The rest of September was okay but I was starting to show so I spent less time with my mom because I didn’t want her to notice my stomach, I still saw Ashley almost every day and we still spoke on the phone every day.
I can’t believe it’s already October and I still haven’t told anyone, it’s still only Ashley and I who know about the pregnancy. Today I’m going for my 4-month check-up and Ashley is taking me there even though it’s during the week and I’m supposed to be at school, I told Tumi that I’m not coming to school because I’m not feeling well. Ashley got here at 9am and we left for the doctor’s appointment
Me: Babe I look fat and disgusting
Ashley: You are not fat, you are pregnant
Me: The darker circle around my nipple is getting bigger and darker and my boobs are getting bigger and feel kinder heavier, this is just awful
Ashley: You will be fine my love, hasn’t your mom noticed anything?
Me: I’m not sure hey, but she has been commenting a lot on my weight gain, she says we should slow down on eating at restaurants
Ashley: Babe I think you should tell her today
Me: Not today
Ashley: If not today when?
Me: Why are you being so damn pushy!?
Ashley: I just think the sooner you tell her the better it will get for us
Me: Then tell her
Ashley: Maybe I should
Me: I will tell her when the time is right
Ashley: Nosi you better do it today
Me: Fine, I will tell her today
Ashley: Good
Me: Whatever
We arrived at the doctor’s office and already my mood was spoiled by Ashley, we got in and the doctor asked me to lie down on a bed next to an ultrasonography and then he drizzled gel on my stomach and checked the baby, Ashley was right by my side holding my hand
Doctor: There’s your baby right there, he/she is now about the size of your hand, growing and developing all his/her senses. By the look of things, you and the baby are coming along just fine
Ashley: Wow thanks doctor, so when will we know the gender?
Doctor: On her 5-month appointment
Me: Oh
Doctor: I will give you a prescription for all the pills you need at the pharmacy
Ashley: Okay, thank you doc
I got up and wiped the gel off my stomach, after the doctor gave us the prescription we went to the pharmacy and bought all the pills needed, after that we went to eat
Me: You know… todays appointment got me excited about the baby
Ashley: I got excited the minute we found out that you are pregnant, I just can’t wait to start buying tiny baby clothes
Me: And I can’t wait to find out what we are having
Ashley: I know right
Me: This gave me all the courage I need to tell my mom
Ashley: Do you need me there?
Me: No, I will handle this on my own
Ashley: Have you told Tumi?
Me: No I haven’t told anyone, you?
Ashley: I haven’t told anyone either
Me: I think I should write a letter to my mom, I don’t think I can tell her face to face, I’m scared
Ashley: That’s actually a great idea
Me: Yeah
Ashley: I love you okay
Me: I love you too
He gave me a kiss
Me: Please take me home, I’m sleepy and I need to write the letter before my mom gets home
Ashley: Are you still traumatized by my… you know?
Me: [Laughing] I’m not sure… why don’t we start at your place for an hour or two and find out if I’m still traumatized or not
Ashley: Why are we still here? Let’s go baby let’s go!
The way we rushed to his place, you would swear we were being chased. When we got there, we didn’t even make it to the bedroom, we had sex in the living room (on the couch), our clothes were all over the place. I know this was probably not the best idea but we haven’t had sex in a while, it seemed like the best idea and trust me, the sex was amazing
Ashley: So…?
Me: I don’t think I’m traumatized anymore
Ashley: [Laughing] Was it that good?
Me: Yep
Ashley: Come here…
We started kissing again then went in for round 2, after round 2 I fell asleep, I was too exhausted for round 3. Ashley woke me up at 3pm
Ashley: Baby
Me: What?
Ashley: It’s 3pm
Me: Oh shit, I have to be home before my little brother gets home
I got dressed quickly and he took me home, after he left I took a shower then started writing a letter for my mom, I just didn’t know where to start but I finally found the words
[Me (letter): Dear Mom
I’ve done something really bad, if I had only listened to you then I wouldn’t be in this situation, I’m really sorry for letting you down and embarrassing you, I know dad is also disappointed in me, I’m 4 months pregnant, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, I’m really sorry
Nosipho]
I took that letter and placed it on her bed and then called Tumi
Tumi: Hello
Me: Tumi…
I felt so emotional and started crying
Tumi: Friend what’s wrong? You sound like you are crying
Me: Can you please come to my place
Tumi: Okay I’m coming now
15 minutes later Tumi got here
Tumi: Friend what’s wrong? I came as soon as I could
Me: Friend I messed up big time
Tumi: Tell me what happened
Me: I’m pregnant
Tumi: … I knew it
Me: Friend what’s wrong with me? Why didn’t I force Ashley to use a condom?
Tumi: Wow Nosipho, wow
Me: I haven’t even told my mom... well she’s about to find out [Crying]
Tumi: Friend don’t cry, I don’t know what to say, does Ashley know? How far along are you?
Me: We found out together, 4 months
Tumi: I really don’t know what to say, what are you gonna do?
Me: I don’t know, I wrote a letter to my mom, and I’m telling you, so that’s the first step
Tumi: Whatever happens I will be here for you
Me: Thanks
She gave me a hug, I really needed that
Tumi: I need to go, Tumisho is on his way, I will call you later though, love you
Me: Love you too, greet him for me, and please don’t tell him about the pregnancy yet, Ashley will tell him once the dust has settled
Tumi: Okay cool
Tumi left and I started cooking, when my mom got home, I was already done cooking and sitting in my room biting my nails, I could hear her voice, she came into my room to greet me and asked if I’m done cooking, so I guess she hasn’t seen the letter yet, after she left my room I checked my phone and saw Ashley’s message
[Ashley: I just told my dad about the pregnancy]
I was shaking, I couldn’t even reply him, I was listening attentively to my mom’s voice, I was waiting for her to yell, beat the shit out of me or kill me, her silence was killing me, I didn’t know if she had read the letter yet or what but I was scared to go to her, after an hour or so I finally left my room and went to the living room to watch TV and she was there with Ntando, her eyes were so red as if she was crying, I immediately knew that she read the letter, it was so awkward, I didn’t know what to say or do, I didn’t even know where to look, I couldn’t even stand up to make myself food and I was really starving, after a few minutes I broke the silence
Me: Food is ready, can I dish up for you?
She just looked at me once and continued to watch TV without saying a word, it was like she was showing me that she heard what I said but won’t talk to me
Ntando: Nosi I’m hungry can you please dish up for me
Me: Okay
I went to the kitchen, dished up for us, including my mother, then I took both her plate and Ntando’s plate to serve them and still she looked at me once and turned to watch TV without taking her food from my hands, so I gave Ntando his food and placed my mom’s food in the microwave, then I went into my room with my food and ate in there.
I know I disappointed her and broke her heart into 1000 pieces and probably deserve the silent treatment but I wanted her to say something so bad. After eating I went to the kitchen to wash the dishes then I went back to my room and called Ashley
Ashley: Hello
Me: Hey, what did your father say?
Ashley: He didn’t say much, my father is never excited about anything except the money his businesses make for him, he gave me the exact reaction I expected to get from him, that man knows nothing about family
Me: I’m sorry babe
Ashley: It’s fine, nothing is gonna bring my excitement down plus I’m used to him being like this
Me: I also told my mother
Ashley: What did she say?
Me: Nothing, she’s giving me the silent treatment, she won’t even touch the food I cooked, her eyes looked like she was crying and that broke my heart
Ashley: Sorry you have to go through all of this
Me: [Sobbing] It’s fine
Ashley: Don’t cry babe
Me: We really messed up, all I need is a hug from you
Ashley: Do you want me to come?
Me: No, I will be fine, you are probably the last person my mom wants to see
Ashley: I really feel bad for putting both you and her through all of this
Me: It’s equally our fault for putting her through this, don’t just blame yourself
Ashley: I can’t help but feel responsible for all of this
Me: We’ll be fine
Ashley: I hope so
Me: I have to sleep, tomorrow I’m going to school
Ashley: Okay goodnight, I love you
Me: I love you too
Even though things are bad between my mom and I, I am just happy that I have Ashley, I honestly don’t know what I would do without that guy.