Lia
Fine. I'll give you your space. But come high or hell water Lia Berry but I will bring you back to me — Xavier
That was his text when he left my apartment that night I told him I needed space. I won't lie about the butterflies that swarmed in my belly or the fact that deep down I knew that he would keep his promise. Then when Blair came home that night, she told me a chocolate bar was left on our doorstep.
It's been a week since then and I'm slowly starting to focus on my studies. The days go by quickly, I'm either in class or in the studio or in my bedroom, working on my project. I procrastinate a lot but lately, I've been rewatching Stranger Things from the first season as I work and that helps me concentrate, oddly enough.
The nights are...painful. When I'm alone in my bed, with the lights out and the moon shining through my curtains, my eyes drift to the empty space on my bed. I miss him dearly at night. Whenever he slept over, I'd hug him like a teddy bear and have the best sleep.
I cry alone at night, wishing that we weren't apart. I think about what he's doing, what he's thinking. If he's eaten, if he's at The Creek. I miss Bloo so freaking much. I want to see him, hug him but that means I'll have to go to his place and...I can't do that right now.
Because if I go there, all my reserve will break.
I see Xavier around campus and in Professor Leto's class and every single time, I catch him looking at me. With yearning, with guilt yet with so much love. I never thought I'd be going through a heartbreak. I'm having a hard time dealing with the aftermath. I don't know what to do.
All I know is that I want to focus on myself and my studies right now.
Blair gasps and that has me breaking out of my thoughts. Nolee, she and I are cuddled up on our sofa, under a fluffy blanket watching our new favorite drama. Duy Beni, it's a Turkish high school slash murder-mystery drama. And the mean girl just pushed the girl protagonist into the pool.
"That bitch." Nolee mumbles.
I'm too captured by what's happening.
"I knew it!" Blair exclaims, "There was no way she was calling a truce."
"He's gonna save her." Nolee giddily murmurs.
She means the boy protagonist who is secretly crushing on the girl who just got pushed. It's low-key like an enemies to lovers novel. He hates that she doesn't give him any attention and she can't stand him because he is part of the mean girl's crowd.
Nolee's phone lights up with a message and she leans over to grab it from the coffee table. I'm chewing on my rasmalai—mom made it—when I hear her gasp.
"Oh my god!"
By the look of pure worry and shock on her face, Blair and I frantically sit up.
"What?" Blair asks.
Nolee, with wide eyes, stares at me.
"Xavier got arrested."
My heart drops to the pit of my stomach. My heart starts pounding with utter worry and fear.
"W-what?" I scramble around the blanket, turning my body towards my best friend, and search her eyes for answers.
"Apparently he got into a fight with Hyde at The Creek then the cops raided the track."
"Oh my god." I whisper in horror.
Why the hell did he get into a fight with Hyde? How the heck did the cops raid The Creek? Oh god, his contract. If he gets into the records, he won't be able to race. He'll be expelled from university, and kicked off his basketball team.
Oh my god!
I need to call him. I need to go to him. I need to make sure he's okay.
But I can't.
This isn't my problem.
That cold thought is so uncharacteristic but it's the truth. What will I do? I can't help in any way. Getting into a fight and getting arrested, I wasn't involved in any of that.
But he's...
I still care about him.
If anything happens to him...
Oh god.
What do I do?
Fuck it.
Scrambling off the sofa, I rush into my room and grab my phone. Instead of calling him—because I know if I hear his voice, I'll fold—I text him.
You got arrested? — Lia
For a moment, I feel awful about texting him after what he's done to me but who cares. I'm allowed to care about him.
Cops raided The Creek — Xavier
Got into a fight with Hyde — Xavier
I hope he doesn't have any injuries and I hope his contract doesn't get affected. I'm so worried about his contract. For so long, he's wanted that contract and he's finally gotten it. I'd hate for him to lose it like this.
Xavier... — Lia
I collapse on my bed, staring down at my phone. And now that I've messaged him...I want to keep messaging him. I want to talk to him. I've missed his words. But I know if I indulge in him, I'll lose the little progress I've made so far.
Xavier
She's staring at me like she wants to smack me. I look at her from under my lashes, slumped on my sofa with my fist bandaged.
"What?" I ask my mother.
Rhea Knight's eyes flame with anger. She stands above me like a lioness.
"Don't what me. You got arrested tonight, Xavier. Do you know how scared I was? Ugh, I could smack you so bad right now. What were you thinking starting a fight? And street racing? Do you know how dangerous and illegal that is?" My mom scolds me with so much anger and disbelief yet she's radiating nothing but worry.
I lean back and spread my legs, looking at my mother with annoyance.
"He was talking shit about Lia, I wasn't just going to stay quiet and let him talk about her like that."
Mom glares at me, not happy with my condescending words.
"Violence is never the answer, Xavier."
I scoff in mild amusement.
Lia said the same thing when she found out I hit my father.
And talking about Lia, I can't believe she texted me, even if it was about my arrest tonight but still, she texted me. She still cares for me. I had no doubt about that. That girl is pure-hearted and so fucking caring.
And now I feel like a dick for getting arrested tonight because that probably has her worried. She's probably worried about my contract and how tonight will affect it.
It won't.
Because Viini's dad bailed me out.
"You're being reckless," mom says with exhaustion, she sits down next to me, cradling my bandaged hand in her palms, "She wouldn't want you to jeopardize your future for her."
Tears prick my eyes.
"I don't give a fuck about my dream or my future if she's not in my life."
My life is worthless if she's not in it. Lia is why I want to do better, why I look forward to sunrise, and why I believe in love and happiness.
My mom glances at me with frustration lining her beautiful features. Even though my mom is in her early forties, she still looks like the young Rhea I've seen in photos.
"Do you think she would be happy hearing you say that? That girl is incredibly intelligent. She would rather distance herself from you than get in the way of your dreams. And you know that," mom says what I already know, "And you know yourself that you come first more than anyone else."
"I'm not selfish."
"Putting yourself first is not being selfish," mom turns towards me, "Do you think when we die, we take everything with us? We die alone and leave everything here. Putting yourself first is not being selfish, it's prioritizing yourself because you're the one living your life. I'm not living your life, Viini isn't living your life, Lia isn't living your life. You have to take care of yourself first before anyone, Xavier."
Living the way I used to before Lia came into my life, I guess I never really thought about myself—in the sense of treating myself good, how I deserved it. I got so swept up in the toxicity of races, endless hookups, and Krystal that I lost a part of myself.
Even before Krystal and racing and all that bullshit, I was selfless. I always thought about mom, about her well-being. I never thought about how her depression affected me. I was young and immature and got lost in dangerous intentions.
Maybe racing, losing myself in countless girls, and playing toxic games with Krystal was my coping mechanism but nothing is an excuse for how I lied to Lia.
It all comes back to her.
She's both my salvation and my ruin.
I'm lost in my thoughts that I don't hear my mom until I feel tears dropping onto my hand. I quickly look at my mother only to see her silently crying.
And there goes my fucking heart.
"Why are you crying?" Frantically, I grab her wrists to make her look at me.
"I almost lost you tonight." Mom chokes out those words and they feel like a spear to my heart.
Fuck.
Why am I a fucked up mess?
First, I hurt the girl I'm in love with and now I'm making my mom cry for being a reckless idiot tonight.
Someone should give me the award for the stupidest man alive.
"I'm sorry, mom," I hug her tight, "I promise, I won't ever do anything reckless again."