CW: SH, Suicide ideation, Assault (of really any kinda if you think too hard), mental hospital
it was funny tho
June 28th, Tuesday, 2022, 12:00pm
ok so i havent slept in 48 hours and forgot to eat so bare with me for any spelling mistakes
last i had an actual update there was oct 28th of 2019 after jumping out my window and hiding in a bush for a few hour to escape home instruction, ALSO last i updated i was 14 AND not going to school soo umm a lot has changed but for starters i completely forgot about this after i drafted it in jun of 2019 bc a friend i just met online started following and very reasonably did not want them to know everything about me right away.. so now that 3 days ago when i remembered this thing existed and decided to update right after waking up and my newly recovered sense of not giving a flyin fuck about keepin shit to oneself and 3 day later, not sleepin, nor eating (which is really the only way to write and post on wattpad) i decided to just update already
i dont really want to i quite literally hate writing this but i feel as it is needed as one needs to shower... i dont know how dont ask me i just want to get this over with so i cant finally sleep
SO briefer of who i am now:
I am Nel, im 17 years old, pronouns are they/them but at the moment i dont really give a fuck as long as it is not she/her, i am a photography student that just finished Junior year of high school, I draw for a hobby, my favorite games atm are Sky COTL, Minecraft, and sims 4, i have been a lolita/ouji for a few years now- too tiered to really think and specify, i like ice skating, i say my favorite color is purple however my therapist says i can say white even though it isnt a color- also now that im thinking about it bc i was just handed a cherry slurpee id like to mention i dont like them unless they are pina colada flavored.
OK now time to move onto how i got to this point.- god this is gonna take awhile- fuck
a few updates ago i mentioned about going to school with a girl named antonia that was in my middle school- i shall pick up where i left off this that- ok so- that was my first- and basically last day of 9th grade in a very small school for the gays and autistics (40 students at most in total (also i can say that last statement bc i am autistic fuck you)) and i was happy to have to never see it again... or so i thought and we'll get back to that in a long second
the update before the last as i explained earlier i jumped out my window to get away from home school yadayadayada ANYWAYS to explain that a home instruction person came to my house a week after i said fuck you to 9th grade.... to put it shorty i kept jumping out windows and they gave up... awkward moments though bc my room window at the time was too far off the ground to get back in through so i had to use the front door.... yeah so one time at like idk 8 pm i was cold leaning against a tree thought it was long enough- it was not- and walked in on her still teaching my sister... like i said awkward- anyway still it worked since she left after teaching my sister. so then in Nov of that year a week before thanks giving (that is an important detail) i decided to try to go to my district school for the last 2 periods all was going great that week i had a math class with Aster and a health class after. however for thanksgiving break my family had a trip planned to go to ocean city maryland (nothing good ever happens there it 100% always goes to shit- proven) and it was all paid for since it was for cancer patients and my sister happens to be one of them. ok so i never went back to 9th grade after that week so-. might as well talk about the trip but the only thing i can really remember from that specific trip was my dad slamming me into a wall and between a door..... with said door.... lmao.
in a previous update i VERY briefly mentioned my mom trying to get me part time in a mental hospital which she did but i stopped going.. bc i still went home everyday and still technically had free will ^-^ .... that wont last much longer tho so hehe yeah
i never actually mentioned in here that had/i SH and my mom did not find out about until the scars fully healed and some therapy person that i talked to outside from time to time... i still i no idea what her job was tho. i had stopped SHing late Nov that year and when she found out about it it was the middle of May- i wasnt even hiding it either i dont even have long sleeves i just kind of stuck them near the inside of my elbow. i spaced out and completely forgot what i was writing anyways i was sent to the mental hospital May 16th which was only a week after my birthday so happy birthday to me ig and stayed there until jun 1st- 2 weeks- tbh i loved it there it was really funny as well some kid came in the same day as me for drug use snorted a pack of sugar during lunch one day and still left a week before me. no matter how much i loved it there and did not want to leave im still kinda pissed at my mom she said we were going for a check up and said wed go home in about an hour HAHA that hour turned into 24 hours locked is a very small room with her, a mattress a rubber chair, no windows, no clock, the office, a frustration i have never felt before, and a very strong urge to strangle her with my bare hands... still kinda proud of myself i didnt but i do still sometimes think about the satisfaction that would have brought.
ok i just scrolled through tiktok on the toilet- i forgot i wrote that last part :T
it is such a surreal experience going into a mental hospital and then leaving finding out there are riots with a new perspective of police. :/
ok so that ended my non existent 9th grade year (which i some how passed btw? except English ill get to that in about a year story wise)
during the summer we got another cat- she was 12 at the time we got her, sucked up to us until we adopted her, then became a bitch, then softened up after time obviously bc we are strangers and obviously she doesn't want to die in a shelter but also doesn't want complete stranger petting her. her official name is butterscotch i call her ginger tho- thought about calling her soup as well. she is short haired tabby you can probably guess the color. Tango our other cat- technically my cat was curious and friendly,, ginger simply isnt.. she beats him up but she learned to tolerate him sometimes i gives a couple wacks back,,, lightly and rarely but we hype him up idk man. im gingers favorite im the only one who can pick her up and she complains whenever someone else tries.
moving onto august (Jesus fucking Christ)
some point in earlier updates i mentioned potentially going to school out of state- which i didnt i was just misinformed that it wasnt out of state it was just UP state...
which, mind you- DOESNT MAKE IT MUCH FUCKING BETTER
:)
im calm. full stop
bus ride there- i wont give specifics... well too many at least 4-8 hour ride there and back every sunday and friday... fridays ended up being the only thing i looked forward to and i didnt care about anything else. every friday we left school at 12 to get on the bus home. i hated it there so much there is so much i can say about that place-. they punished people bc they misunderstand fear for misbehavior and rebellion. also later on in my stay i became the first to be in a co ed dorm... not many parents liked that tho- it was fine they first put me and a 3 others in a dorm that was for boys from like idk 6-12 and "girls" 14+. we ended up moving to another dorm with other people our age.
for my first class there (there were summer classes) i mainly spent my time reminding my teacher about how to do math n watching movies. one time dorm staff left forgetting about me- i was announce missing but they never looked to check my fucking door room for thirty mins i didnt even notice they were gone
actually ill list now thats faster than writing
-been in 3 different dorms
-went "missing"
-introduced some card games they havent heard of
-got a chair thrown at me (with a ball of yarn) bc some 19 got mad over losing tag in the horse barn... i wasnt even playing
-one staff member got hit over the head with a brick
-multiple death attempts
-played DND
-one of my teachers got hit my a truck (she lived)
-learned another one of my teachers was known as the best kid tackler (sometimes kids would try to run off campus every teacher and staff had a walkie talkie and if you hear "kid out of program" you know things gon get real funny real soon)
-learned how to ride a horse
-multiple lock down drills (we didnt really know if they were real or fake)
-kayaking
-fishing
-hiking
-gardening
-first job (working in teaching barn with sheep goats llamas alpacas cows pigs)
-peacocks.
-getting walked in on using the bathroom (no locks)
-got hit on.... the whole time
-potentially got harrassed by another kid cant remember it very well i just know i was uncomfortable and didnt like it and other kids tried to keep him away from me
-one kid on his first day there ripped i light pole from the ground ... most people thought it was a bear though however very close-
-19 year old trying to climb over a counter to straggle a lunch lady (i was behind him in line)
-police
-fist fight on bus ride home
-whole bus celebrating when DVD sleep screen on bus his a corner
-broke the schools record for the best swimmer :D
some kid was there for 14 years.. they couldve kept me there until i was 21. i never knew for sure when id leave the whole time i followed the rules and left a year later. the teachers there said i should have been sent there in the first place- that it wasnt a place for someone like me and i guess that just made it worse. HOWEVER the staff did love me and the staff and i had a great time bullying each other jokingly. my favorite staff left some time during my stay there- i told her she was my favorite the night before she left- she hugged me and said she wont for get me- she taught me how to play solitaire. it was easy leaving that place- gave me cult vibes- i hated it so much but i also hate that i miss it sometimes
RIGHT that was my 10th grade year LETS START ON 11th
1st day of 9th grade school... BACK TO THAT SCHOOL however half time this time i took a 2 1/2 hour photo class from 12-2:30
i went to school everyday this year. it was the worst and i hated it obviously but i hated the residential school more and if i didnt and dont go to school every day i will be sent back.
i will make a list of this year.. it will go faster
-learned that at this school we introduce each other with preferred name and pronouns (awesome)
-befriended Reina, Tank, Max, Ash, Athena, Vik
god there is so much to write down more and more just keeps coming jeez
-art teacher awsome he loved my art and wanted me to have my own section in the art gallery
-principle asked me to take pictures of the art gallery and present my pictures during senior graduation
-the only english teacher is a bitch fucker her
-also fuck the principle- i hate them both
-social worker is awesome we often talked about stoning people (someone stole my chrome book) (the stoning was his idea) -principle approved though me mainly talked about stoning reina... she deserves it
-befriended Syriah and Emmalee
-fuck anyone named peter
-as well as anyone who sounds like peter i have discovered i cant even handle the sound of his voice
-was blamed by the principle for something i did not do and the students who stood up for me was told "this isnt any of your business" even though they are witnesses everyone i know that is a student were and still are pissed off about it as i was cornered by the principle of course sent into a panic attack, was expected to walk it off, was sent home by my photo teacher after telling her i was trying not to try and thus sending myself into another spiral (this might be a whole post bc i am still pissed off and there is a lot more to the story
-i love my photo teacher with my whole heart and soul
-fuck my principle
- was excluded from a school field trip bc i was failing English
-got adobe certified
- destroyed English regents (in a good or bad way we are yet to know)
- went to prom
-got my own camera (Nikon) and lenses
umm kinda got hyperfixated on MCYT about a year and a half ago mainly Technoblade and that is also a long story apparently i have been a fan since i was 9 and when he only had one video
if you want stories on any bullet point please tell it would be funny to tell most of em lmfao
anyways any other questions are cool too if youre even reading or are even interested either is fine
see you fuckers in days weeks months or years 👋👋
that god im done with this it took me 3 hours and thats for someone who hates writing lmfao
and i still have a lot to say though ill save it for another sleep deprived and slightly hysterical time
forgot to come out to yall im Aromantic, Asexual, and Agender though Gendervoid i found last night that seems more fitting though im kinda scared of it lmfao
also Keeagan and Aster in the possibly impossible chance that you do read this- i know i dont talk much anymore really only the tri monthly meme- i love both of you so much (also im not killing myself yet dont worry lmfao)