hi ily. sorry. will update again much sooner. been so busy. also i have a date tomorrow which is exciting. his name is Alex. which admittedly is a bit of a shitty name.
happy reading lol
Lottie's POV
"Come on. Get in the car." River rushes. "You are going to be fine."
It was the first day of exams. It was math. And I was being forced to go in and sit the exam even though it has been five days now.
Six by the end of this one.
I have not studied for these exams. I mean I did before Rowan disappeared but since then I haven't been able to get my head into it.
I reluctantly get into Cole's car, which River was borrowing, mainly to force me into school and I sit there grumpily.
"It's one test today and then you can go home." River says. "It's math, we can both fail it together."
I am not having a good time at the moment. Which I think is reasonable.
It's probably not appropriate to start crying right this second.
But despite my acknowledgment that I am being silly, I have almost cried like fourteen times this morning alone. So I just rub my eyes as they start to burn and River sighs unhappy with my unhappiness.
"Maybe you shouldn't be coming in." River says softly as he starts to drive.
"Have to."
"Well then we will be ok."
I nod, looking out the window.
"I know-How about to cheer you up I get you some breakfast? Have you already eaten? The exam doesn't start until nine. We have time."
I shake my head.
"Come on." River groans. "I can't have my only friend here waste-away in front of my eyes. You want some strawberries? Or mango? Or pineapple?"
I shrug then.
"A shrug is better than a no." He says. "Ok." River heads towards the grocery store and I feel my stomach cramp in nerves.
I feel sick.
The nervousness cannot even be categorised into different bottles now. It's just one bucket of worry. About everything.
I feel my eyes burn again and then I breathe out a laugh at myself. I am so emotional, goodness.
I feel my stomach cramp again and my eyes widen and the feeling.
Oh.
Period.
Ha, when I was with Nathan I was on contraception and therefore didn't really have periods. But I stopped taking that and now I seem to forget about them until the last minute.
If I get my period in my exam and I am unprepared I will literally just sob. Like that would be the last straw.
River pulls into the grocery store, to I guess find fruit for breakfast and I say. "I need tampons as well."
"I am not buying fruit and tampons." River laughs.
"Why?"
"Just er- like I don't- just come in with me."
"No."
"Come on." River laughs.
I cross my arms over my chest. "Get me tampons."
"But what ones?"
"Oh my days." I say. "It's not that hard-"
"I know but it's embarrassing for a guy to-"
"You disappoint me." I say. "Honestly you are such a disappointment."
He laughs at me and gets out the car, not asking for more guidance and I think about how I will genuinely fight him if he comes back and doesn't have tampons and I come on at school.
I guess I could always ask mum but she'll probably already be dealing with other 17-18 year olds with exam nerves. She doesn't need me barging in demanding sanitary products.
I watch as River walks away from the car and into the shop.
I don't even want fruit. I want unhealthy things like chocolate and pastry and maybe pie.
I might become vegetarian actually.
I hardly eat meat anyway.
I text River demanding more interesting food than fruit and he reads it but doesn't reply.
He does so well to put up with me. He doesn't really have a choice actually.
By the time River comes back, he has a shopping bag and a slightly sheepish look on his face. I frown automatically but he smiles at me anyway, coming round to my side of the car and opening it up.
"So I got you your blood sponges." He says pushing them through the gap and they land in my lap. "And I got you the whole chocolate cake and also some strawberries."
I start smiling at that and then I catch a glimpse of a store clerk walking out of the shop and looking around.
His eyes lock onto the back of River's head and he calls out. "Excuse me mate!"
River tenses as I look back and forth between them.
"Hey!" He calls again and starts to walk from the store across the lot towards our car.
River looks at me panicked. "Oh crap."
"What-"
"Fuck I am a stupid prick." He rants and urgently pushes the carrier bag onto my lap. I hear him mumbling. "I need to get custody; I cannot get in trouble again."
What on earth did he do?
The shop keeper jogs over and catches River's arm gently before he can move around the car to get back into the driving seat.
"Here man, you forgot your phone." He says and I watch as River physically deflates in relief. The guy watches too and then he gifts us both with a friendly chuckle. "I feel the same when I leave mine somewhere."
"Sorry." River rushes. "Thanks."
Once the guy left, River gets back in the car and I give him such a huge glare. "You said you'd buy my food. What on earth just happened?"
"I saw the prices of tampons and thought fuck that and then I thought I got caught." He says breezily as he gets back into the car. "It's cool, things are good."
I cross my arms harshly over my chest. "I would have given you the money for them. You cannot risk getting another offence for any reason. That was so stupid."
He shrugs. "I didn't really think about it. It just happened."
"You can't say that for stealing River."
"You are getting awfully judgy." He tells me as he starts the car back up. "I stole them because I didn't think it was necessary to pay that price for them. It's a big chain, they won't miss the money."
"I don't care about that. You just panicked so much- surely you know you shouldn't be risking anything right now."
"Look I know it was stupid. I know I could have just lost Audrie ok? I do not need you telling me off for this."
"It was just thoughtless." I say.
He laughs. "God, sometimes your privileged ass really does make an appearance."
My lips part as I look at him.
"You have never stolen anything right?" River mutters.
I narrow my eyes.
"Or maybe you have." He laughs but it's sarcastic. "Maybe you stole a lipstick or some earrings for the thrill. God, I used to steal everything that Audrie and I ate or needed, so sorry that sometimes I look at something that costs an arm and a leg and think fuck that."
"River..." I say awkwardly. "You know that I am not judging you for stealing back then. I just want you to get custody of Audrie because that is what you really want."
He sighs and nods and I become even more tense as we turn in on the road towards school.
"Am I being selfish?"
"Huh?" I ask.
"To want her to come with me. To want to go to school and make her live with me and give her a messy eighteen-year-old guardian?"
I furrow my eyebrows. "You love her-"
"Love is not enough. People have loved us before. It's never been enough."
I think about that. How love is not enough. I know it is not.
"What are you thinking?" I ask him.
"Whether I can give her the life that she deserves. I want her to not have any of the mess I did. I don't even- she's practically still a baby Lottie, she's so behind. She's supposed to be going to school this September, but she hardly even talks."
"You two have been through a lot."
"I just- maybe she should stay with them. Maybe they'll give her a better life I don't know."
I just look at the side of his face as we pull into the carpark of school and I have one of those 'life is really shit moments'. River is such a good guy and he's been through so much shit. And now he's in a strange town, doing stupid exams for college and trying to figure out his future. My friends are all a mess, Sutton is stressed and him and Fran are leaning on each other and hardly talking to me- which may probably be because I have been so hostile to him the last few days.
It just annoys me that they're talking again and slightly touchy again just because Roe is missing.
That is not something to reconnect over.
It just bugs me so much and I know it shouldn't. But it does.
And now I have to go and do a math test.
"Come on." River says. "Let's go and have breakfast with your mum or something."
"Can't. She'll have wobbly people in there with her."
He laughs. "Wobbly people?"
"Like exam anxiety kids."
"Oh come on, let's just go see if she is free."
I do sort of want to go eat fruit and cake in her office so ok. We head into school and we are still pretty early, so the corridor was almost empty as we walked through it.
Mum's office door was open, so River skipped in, saying hello and offering her food. Mum greeted us both softly, watching me carefully. "You ready lovelies?"
I shake my head truthfully. "I do not want to do it."
She lifts a hand for me to come into the room more. "Honey. You are so ready for this test. Your math has improved so much and you have so many techniques now to process the numbers."
"Do I get a reader?" I ask. She shakes her head. "No we applied for extra time for you instead of a reader."
River snorts. "Ha, so you have to be in it even longer?"
I look at mum appalled.
"You can go when you are finished." Mum smiles at me. "But you have an extra 20% of the time added to your total time so if you need more time you have it."
I rub my forehead stressed.
"Look it just means you can take it slow and really read it through."
"All I am going to be thinking about is Rowan." I admit. "My head is not in it at all."
"I know it's not." She says gently. "But remember that your future is just as important as he is."
It's not.
I do not agree that my grades are just as important as whether he is ok or not. That is not me putting a boy before myself, or my goals. It is just the truth. I am so worried about him. My head is not in this.
River starts to get out some food for us and my mum laughs at his offer but declines. "I need to keep this room open for people who are stressing."
River directs a pointed nod at me. "She is stressing."
"I know but I have already had my pep talk with you this morning Lottie."
I almost cried then, like earlier this morning.
"Other people need it." She explains softly, watching me carefully. "Lots try to keep positive and out of trouble today, you are only here for your test then you can go home."
I don't say anything as I leave, River following me and we just head to the cafeteria and he starts to practically hand feed me red coloured fruit to try and cheer me up. "You want cake now or after?" He says smiling.
"After. But It's gonna melt in your locker."
He grins. "It'll be like melted fudge cake. We can go and get some ice-cream and have a whole dessert after the test if you like."
I am not in the mood for doing anything today but I nod because I am so grateful for the way he's putting up with my mood.
"I need to go to the bathroom." I tell him.
"You want me to come?"
"Nah we have half an hour yet. I'll just go and come back."
"Ok." He says and he continues to eat some fruit and flick through his math exercise book. I stand up and head out of the double doors to the closest girl's bathroom and dig around in my bag for the couple of tampons I tossed in there.
Once I get into the bathroom the quick chatting and laugher abruptly stops and I don't look at any of the girls- I just walk past them and head into a stall.
"Did you see that Lottie's back in?" I hear whispered after a moment.
I sit on the toilet and lift my feet up, resting them on the seat as I wrap my arms around myself.
I don't want to be here.
Gosh.
I need to sort myself out but instead I just listen to their freaking gossip.
"She's missed so much practice." Someone says and I listen closer. "Surely coach won't let her play Friday."
I pull a face.
I don't want to play Friday.
"I doubt she cares. I heard she's stopped coming to school because she got into that drama school and she doesn't need any more credits."
I hear a excited gasp. "No, haven't you heard about her boyfriend?"
"Wait what?"
"Rowan- er... Carter or someone. Blonde. Tall. Quiet. He's had some sort of breakdown."
"What?" Another voice gasps and I dump my bag on the floor and open the bathroom stall harshly just as I hear. "What sort of breakdown?"
"You know I am here." I snap. "You watched me walk in. How fucking rude do you have to be to talk shit like that?"
All four of the year younger girls look at me shocked.
"We were just-"
"Yes. I heard."
They all stare at me. "What? No further questions?" I prompt angrily.
They say nothing.
"Then get out." I grit and they leave, still not saying a freaking word.
I do everything angrily now. Slam the door as I go back into the bathroom and make sure if I do come on my period during the exam I will be covered.
I fucking hate this school at the moment. I am so done.
A few more weeks.
I rush out of the bathroom as soon as I can and I pause when I see the same girls all stood outside whispering. They stop once I get out there and honestly- I have had enough.
Stay out of trouble mum said.
Just do your exam and leave she told me.
Ha.
"What?" I hiss. "Are you really still talking about me?"
They look between each other.
"No." One says. "You do not need to start on us, we didn't know you could hear us before."
I shake my head and I practically am ready to pounce. "Oh so you weren't intentionally being assholes? Just ignorant cows then?"
One of them laughs. "What the fuck?"
"Get a fucking life." I tell them, trying to walk past them. "And no Keira, I will not be playing on Friday. God help you though because you are shit."
"Lottie?" River says from behind me, amusement clear in his voice but also slight hesitation.
I turn to look at him, he beckons me to him.
"God, no wonder her boyfriend ran away." One of the other girls mutter and the stupid blonde called Keira breathes a laugh. "I'd have a breakdown too-"
"You cun-" I start as I spin around quickly, my hand already lifting to grab whoever was in front of me to tear them apart and I gasp in surprise as after River curses, he jumps forward and wraps one arm around my waist, picking me up from behind and pulling me backwards. "Alright firecracker." He laughs. "Fuck off now then" He says to the girls and they have the audacity to laugh, walking away.
"What the fuck?" I exclaim, trying to push out of his arm. "What the fuck is this place and what the fuck- who are these people? Why are they so shit-"
"Come on." He says, pulling me with him as he walks backwards and my body is hot with rage and I know I am supposed to do things to calm down but I don't even want to.
I want to fight.
I want to pummel everyone.
I look around, my eyes scanning for someone else I could start a fight with and when they land on Mr Lees I know I am in trouble as he is already radioing for my mother.
"Really?" I call to him. "You coward."
River comes close again to hold me back and I feel burning at my eyes again with unleased tears of frustration. I can feel that River is no longer amused.
"Lottie are you good?" He rushes, trying to turn me around so I can see him.
No.
No I am not good.
I am angry.
River starts dragging me again towards my mother's office and people are just fucking looking at me, staring at the mess. I hate that my breathing is ragged, that I am so fucked off. I hate that I have to do a math exam and that no one is going to read the numbers to me and I hate that Rowan isn't here because I really really need him.
I need Rowan right now.
But the reason why I need Rowan is because he is not here.
So what the actual fuck am I supposed to do with that?
Where is he?
Mum is practically jogging down the hallway by the time we turn the corner.
"She kicked off." River says and sort of hands me to my mum like I am a broken toy that she has to fix. "I- I er- should I stay or?"
"No honey. Go and line up for your exam. It starts in ten minutes."
I do not look at her or talk to her as she takes my hand and leads me back to her office.
She shuts the door and I go and sit down, staring off out the window as I silently fumed.
"You lasted nine minutes before you got in trouble." Mum says sarcastically proud.
I say nothing.
She lets out a small laugh. "Dottie, you not talking to me?"
I glare out the window.
"Are you mad at me?" mum asks.
I am not mad at her.
But if she had cared enough to keep me in here this morning then maybe I wouldn't have overheard those girls. Maybe I wouldn't be wondering if what those girls said was partially true.
What if he is gone because of something I did?
What if as I leant against him that day on the train he got so overwhelmed with touch that he just had to leave?
What if it is my fault?
"Did you hurt anyone or damage any property?" She asks lightly.
I shake my head.
"Who did you shout at?"
"Some bitches in the year below." I say, my teeth practically still gritted.
"And what were they doing?"
I look at her then. "Running their mouths about Roe."
Mum sighs. "Honey you knew coming back to school after a week off would be hard."
I pull my legs up and wrap my arms around them again. I don't want to be here.
I lean my head down on my knees and mum stands. "Oh Dottie." She walks over to me and leans down on the arm of the chair, pulling me by the shoulders into her side and pressing her hand down on my head. "I am so sorry you are feeling all this."
I still can't fucking cry.
Instead I let out a loud noise of frustration.
"Honey your exam is starting super soon."
I cannot do this fucking exam.
I-
I blow out air into my cheeks and pull away from my mum. I look at her. "What happens if I don't do it?"
"I can apply for extenuating circumstances for you, but it doesn't actually help much. Especially if you haven't written anything. You need to go and at least try it."
I groan again.
This is when there is a knock on the door.
Mum gets up from the side of the chair and goes and opens it and I tut when I see Blaise.
God.
I need to get out of here.
That means I need to get a good average. Come on. This is important. Buck the fuck up Lottie, we can do this.
I start getting my bag together as mum says a welcome to Blaise. She tells him what exam he has, and she hands him a pack of equipment she had already prepared for him.
I start to head out, saying excuse me because he was in the god damn way. He steps aside and I falter only for a brief millisecond as I glance at his face and see remnants of a black eye.
I then roll my eyes at the black eye. Thought he was getting his shit together?
Blaise sees this and he scoffs at the look that I just gave him.
I barge past.
"Lottie." Mum calls. "If you need anything, get them to call me."
I nod and mum annoying prompts Blaise. "Lottie is going to the hall too, perhaps you can head in the same direction together."
I deadpan at her and she smiles encouragingly.
"No." I say, turning around and starting to walk away.
"For fuck sake." He says behind me and I pause. "Are you seriously not going to chill out about all this shit?"
I turn around and look at him and all of his nerve. "Pardon?"
My mother glances down at her watch and sighs, stepping forward between us to deescalate.
"It is not my fault your boyfriend is missing." Blaise says and my mum winces, standing in front of him.
I am going to freaking-
"And we sorted it. I sorted it with him. He got a hit in and that was days before he fucked off. If he doesn't have a problem anymore, then you-"
"My problem with you Blaise has so much more to do with-" I pause. "Wait he hit you?"
My mum sighs heavily. "Guys..."
I look over mum's shoulder to Blaise. "Rowan hit you?"
He gestures to his fading black eye.
I furrow my eyebrows and I look at mum. "Did you know Rowan hit him?"
Mum shakes her head softly and I look at Blaise again. "Why did he hit you? What the fuck did you do?"
"Er I apologised." Blaise says. "I was trying to make it right. It was a good punch; I'll give him that."
I wrap my arms around myself and look at mum as my stomach pulls. "Mum what if we've been looking for the wrong person?"
She furrows her eyebrows at me and I just lift my hand to my rub my forehead. Roe is not violent. It's so out of character. He punched a wall once and basically apologised to it. And even he was surprised that he had that side to him.
Blaise walks round us, heading to the exam hall. Mum asks what I mean.
"We have been looking for our sweet angel Roe, the innocent vulnerable person that we assume he was when he left me on that train..."
Mum frowns at me and she takes my arm and starts to walk with me, practically dragging me towards the exam hall.
"Mum he would always tell me how when his OCD gets bad he is like a different person."
I don't know if she is even listening. I know I need to go and do my exam but all these rushed words keep flooding past my lips.
"We've been contacting hospitals and mental health facilities thinking that he would have been picked up or gotten hurt by... god forbid him doing something to himself. Right?"
"Yes Dots."
"But what about other things? Disturbances? Er violence? Something utterly so unrelated to Roe they could have contacted us about him but we would have dismissed it because obviously- that's not Rowan."
"Honey they have his description."
"But what if he- I don't know. What if he's so inside his head he doesn't want to talk?"
"They also know that he's selective mute."
"Who is they?" I exclaim. "The hospitals, police? Mum the police do not care about a missing eighteen year old guy- they think he's dead- they're not even looking in the woods anymore. And hospitals- they're always so busy. You ask them if they've had any young men admitted for mental health and they check their files and say no- what if Roe's there but not for his OCD or like what if they haven't connected the pieces what if-"
"Breathe." Mum says sternly, rendering me silent and I do as I am told. She lifts her hands to either side of my face in more affection that she usually would show in school. "Honey I will call the hospitals, the police, again. Whilst you do your exam."
I look at her, my eyes searching hers. I am not certain she is telling me the truth. I try to convince her more. "My Rowan wouldn't ever want to hurt anyone but he's not even himself when he is unwell. He hasn't been my Rowan in a while... probably way before I realised he was struggling."
"It's not your responsibility to notice when he's struggling." My mum says. "It is my job, it is his mother's job. His own job. This is not on you."
I do not know if I agree.
He broke up with me and I got sad.
I didn't really question it.
"I have listened to you Lottie." She says. "Now it's time for you to listen to me. We will find him. I will try to ring around for this hour. But now you have to go in and try your very best ok?"
I nod. Ok.
"What if you find something?"
"Then I will tell you after the exam."
I shake my head. "Please don't wait- please- the exam isn't as important."
She smiles at me and gives me a small last hug and then takes my bag from me, handing me my clear pencil case and she pushes me towards the doors that lead to my exam. "You got this. Go on."
I walk through the doors and everyone is already sat down.
I am quickly ushered to my seat, a paper being placed down in front of me and my extra time being written on the white board at the front.
I stare down at the front of my test paper.
I can't do this.
I hear the cue to open the first page and I read the first question.
I may be able to do this.
I rewrite the question to process what it says and then I can't help but wonder if he even wants to be found. If he is ok. If we are all just worrying for nothing. If he's just chilling somewhere because he wants to be alone.
It wouldn't surprise me.
But I might kill him myself if that is what is going on.
His parents are in bits.
His sister feels responsible because she let him stay with her.
Sutton has so much on his plate right now that he is hardly functioning.
I am also hardly functioning.
Goodness, who knew a random plant boy could have such an emotional hold over everyone?
The time ticks on and I just try to do some questions, but I don't have a clue what I am doing and I know I should be trying but my mind also goes to the other alternative version of what has happened to Rowan.
I think about how he was so out of it on that first night I saw him on the tracks and I wonder if he would do that again. Sutton and Fran do not think so. I think that there are also roads, like they said. He also could somehow have a car maybe? He always drove so distractedly; his thoughts were so harsh sometimes he'd have to stop driving. What if his thoughts led to action?
God what if he went back into the river after going in and getting those stones, what if my lack of reaction to the crystals meant that he realised he didn't actually retrieve the crystals and that he went back to it?
What if he just jumped on a plane to get away from us?
Nah his mum has his passport.
An exam invigilator walks past me and loudly taps my desk, telling me to focus back on the paper and not stare off into space.
I hear all of the sudden the rush of scribbling pencils and I look around at the rest of my year getting on with their math paper.
It's paper 1. It's non calculator. I know how to do all these questions I just- I-
What if Rowan is at the bottom of the sea or something and I am just sat here doing fucking trivial math questions?
Focus. Just try.
In a class of 78 students 41 are taking French, 22 are taking German. Of the students taking French or German, 9 are taking both courses. How many students are not enrolled in either course?
What.
There are so many words.
I stress and write it back out again, doing what Mr Mortly has always told me to do and then my leg just jumping up and down faster, turning my stomach harder and I glance towards the door for some reason.
Just- I feel like-
I don't know.
I am about to look away when the door opens and my whole body goes cold when I see it's my mum.
She scans the room for me and I put my pencil down, staying sat heavily on my seat.
Oh no.
Oh no. Oh what did she find?
An examiner walks over to her, mum whispers something and a few other kids have noticed now. They are glancing around the hall.
Then the examiner starts to walk my way and I just numbly start to pack up my clear pencil case.
"Lottie sweetie, you need to leave the exam hall." The middle aged petite lady says, crouching down to speak to me.
I do not look at her.
"Why?" I whisper.
"Your mother will explain."
.......
.......
.......
Rowan's POV. – FIVE DAYS EARLIER
She had her eyes closed, but I doubt she was actually asleep. She always seems to linger in this space, just balancing on the edge of sleep.
I know that I should not be letting us be like this. I understand that this is more hurtful to her than all the other shit. I understand that I promised we wouldn't ever be unhealthy together.
We are not together.
But we definitely are not in a healthy place.
Despite this thought, I cannot help but lift my arm from being pressed against hers and slide it behind her shoulders, pulling her into my side as we sit next to each other during this train ride.
It is just a train ride.
One single moment where we pretend that this is fine.
God I really did care so much about her. I tucked some of the hair covering her face away from it, behind her ear and I feel the train pull to a stop.
We are probably like two more stops away from the city centre where we are both getting off.
She's going to tutoring.
Because she's moving away.
I want her to move away. I want her to have every single thing she sets her heart on.
But shit, I always knew she would be moving out of this town, but I never thought about the fact we wouldn't be in contact now.
I was so scared of hurting her that I destroyed everything and I can't even take it back.
I don't want to take it back. Not when I still feel like this.
The train doors open and I notice as a few loud voices enter the carriage and the male voices, laughing, almost shouting make me tense.
They walk past us and I see one glance at us.
Lottie.
He nudges another one of his friends and I bluntly stare at the back of their heads in distaste.
And slow growing panic.
Because what was that fucking nudge?
What was that glance?
I look down at Lottie and pull her slightly tighter and she doesn't really respond, meaning she's properly asleep now.
The four men sit a few seats in front of us, all together and I try so hard not to- but immediately I imagine Lottie and I getting of the train together, her sleepy, but us having to separate because we are no longer together and she goes one way and I go the other and those men follow her down a fucking alley and I just-
I can't believe I let myself think something so utterly disgusting.
I can't believe I would put that out there.
I am so sorry Lots.
God.
I press a kiss to her head and as my anxiety about those fucking guys heighten, I know there is no way I would be able to leave her be this evening. I also know that my skin is crawling from the contact that I initiated, that I cannot breathe suddenly because I can't stop seeing her hurt and I also can feel her against one side of my whole body, her hair is touching my face, her smell drifting down my nose into my lungs and wrapping harshly through the organs in my chest.
I look down at this beautiful person that I love and feel so protective of and I remember how by focusing so much on her wellbeing, her safety, by worrying about her the way I do, how it just increases her chances of becoming harmed.
I hate that.
I hate that I do that to my family.
I also hate that I also know- that all these fucking thoughts are irrational. Not real. I know that if I wasn't such a current mess, I would know that all of this is not true.
But instead, I softly move away from her and when the men start to get off at our stop. I see the thought again, the one where she is attacked and I get up and narrow my eyes at them all. None of them even look at me as I carefully step past Lottie, leaving her asleep and I follow them out onto the platform.
I stand right behind them, knowing that this would not help.
That the thought is in my head and is not in theirs.
But then I hear them joke about the body of another woman walking past and suddenly it stopped being a silly irrational thought I had. Now I know that if I had let her go off alone into the city that something bad would have happened.
I stopped it.
I stopped it by following them.
So I can't stop.
Because if I stop following them they will get back on the train and find her.
And I can't have that.
Obviously.
So I follow them out of the station. I follow them until one of them looks back and frowns at my close proximity. He moves out the way of me. "Go past mate." He says politely.
"No thanks." I say, standing still and nodding for them to continue walking.
They exchange a look but walk on.
I follow.
They stop.
"What's your problem?" A guy with very little hair but a full beard asks.
"Nothing."
"You are being a bit of a freak." Another one adds. "Fuck off ok?"
"What are you going to do?" I ask.
They laugh together, as a group. "What?"
"Like what are you planning?"
They exchange a look. "He might be lost or some shit?" One offers.
"Nah I think he's just a prick looking for a fight."
"Piss off." One adds. "You are making a mistake here."
I step closer and they exchange looks and I stare into the larger mans face. "Leave her alone."
"Who?" He asks utterly confused. "Jane?"
"Wait. You're seeing Jane?" Another one of the men say, looking at the bald guy.
He widens his eyes. "Er no."
"What the fuck man?" The brunette curses. "My ex wife?"
"Come on-" Bald guy says and the brunette throws the first punch and I don't know why it was at me, I mean I guess I was asking for it.
But as I tried to punch back, Bald guy, trying to make amends with brunette dude grabs my arms and the other guy, utterly pissed off continues to pound hits into me.
One of the other four does something to my knee and I fall to the floor and someone is kicking me, someone has hands around my throat, another is continuing to crack my ribs with their fists. I lay there defenceless.
I replaced Lottie with myself in the vision. Instead of them running away from a broken bleeding version of the girl I love, I am here- struggling to breathe- my rucksack, phone, wallet gone- my sight fucked with red blurry vision- pain everywhere.
But surely it cancels it out?
Surely it means she's safe. Right?
thoughts?