Changbin's POV:
Continuing on September 12
I ran home; more like sprinted back to my house. I can't believe this is happening again. Barely two weeks at a new school and I'm already slipping. I snuck in through the back quietly since I didn't want my parents to hear. I'm not even sure if they're here anyways, but I'm being quiet just in case. All the lights were off, which made me sigh in relief as I tiptoed up to my room on the second floor. I needed my keys to unlock my room, quickly getting inside and locking the door behind me.
I pressed my back against the door as I flipped the light on, closing my eyes as I whispered, "I'm such an idiot."
I need to stop thinking like this, it never does me any good. Neither does acting on it out of impulse. Who am I kidding? I was watching porn before Felix walked in, and I know there weren't any girls in the video. I'm sick or something. Sick in the head from thinking like this again. I thought I was getting better. Even though I was having thoughts over the summer, I was good about pushing them away. I don't know what happened tonight.
Everything just happened so fast that I couldn't stop myself. I really just said it as a joke so he would leave, but I wasn't expecting him to actually get on his knees. I still remember how nice he smelled, not like everyone else who was four or five drinks deep at the time. His shirt was too short, and I was serious about not having to wear a shirt at all. There was no point, I could see his abs and small chest easily. His arms were small as well, but you could still see his muscles since he's so skinny.
Felix was his name.
I could feel how my crotch was still a little wet from being in his mouth, and his hand was so small that he could barely even grab me. I bit my bottom lip when I remembered every little detail; like how he sucked his cheeks in, how his lips were trembling, how he gagged when I went too deep, how he looked up at me with glossy eyes, how his legs were shaking after he came, everything.
I snapped out of it when I felt my pants getting tighter for the second time tonight, cursing at the throbbing that made it harder, "Shit—"
I rolled my hips into my jeans from reflex, just staring down at myself for a few seconds as I bit my lip harder. I hesitated to bring my hand down to it, placing my palm on my thigh and slowly sliding it closer. I let out a little breath when I palmed myself over my jeans, able to feel the dampness against my skin from just a little while ago.
I closed my eyes, looking at the sight that's now engraved into my brain: Both of my hands were on the door to catch myself while Felix let me thrust into his mouth. That's the one thing that made my mind go crazy. He just let me take control. He let me go too deep. He was so submissive to me.
"Mmm—Fuck..." I mumbled under my breath since I was getting hard again. I must be really horny or something to literally cum and want to do it again twenty minutes later. I lightly squeezed, and it just made me more anxious. I brought my other hand down as well, but this time to slowly slide up my shirt. My lip was probably bleeding at this point from how hard I was biting it, bringing my fingers up to my nipple and pressing on it.
The action almost made me moan, but I just flinched instead. That's the only place where I'm so sensitive that I'll crumble, so I was quick to pull my hand away after just a few seconds. I kept teasing myself, rolling my hips into my hand while lightly pressing on my nipple every few seconds.
Stop.
I don't want to.
You need to stop.
I heard that voice in my head, and all I wanted to do was ignore it. I did for a moment, squeezing my crotch one more time before my fingers moved to the button of my jeans. My hand was shaking since I pressed on my nipple again, and I couldn't get a good grip on the button. I got frustrated, anxious for anything since I was teasing myself so much. I slipped my hand down my pants instead, reminding me of the way Felix did the same thing. His hand wasn't as big as mine, but it was so warm as I rolled my hips against it.
Stop.
But it feels so good. Just one more time.
Stop.
But it felt so right with him.
Stop, Changbin. Look at yourself. You don't want to be like this.
I opened my eyes from the realization, hurrying to take my hand out of my pants and out of my shirt. I was breathing heavy, feeling the throbbing in my temple and my crotch at the same time, the latter in particular being more distracting. I brought my hands up and slid my fingers through my hair.
What the fuck am I doing right now?
I looked down, the problem in my pants obviously bigger than before. It hurt, not just from the throbbing of being neglected, but the pain in my chest from what caused it. I feel ashamed. I feel dirty.
Cold shower.
I took everything out of my pockets and quickly threw them on my bed, kicking my shoes off as well. I instantly went into my bathroom and locked the door behind me, I couldn't let anyone see me like this. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I just stared for a moment. I didn't want that reflection to be me, but reality is a bitch. The bulge in my pants was more obvious than I thought.
Maybe a cold shower won't help.
I faced the mirror, taking a step towards the countertop. I placed my hands on the edge and leaned against it, the only thing I could feel was the rhythmic throbbing. It made me look down, slowly leaning forward and letting out a little sigh when my crotch rubbed against the edge of the counter. It felt so nice, even just the tiniest amount of friction was something I was desperate for.
I don't need to think about him. It's just to get rid of it.
Fuck it. I took my hands off the counter, fiddling with the button of my jeans until it was finally undone. I quickly undid the zipper and pulled my pants down. I still had my briefs on, but there wasn't as much tension as before. I felt a little more relaxed at the lack of friction, and then thought I should be patient and make it good. I slowly slid my hand up my shirt again, subconsciously leaning my hips forward so I would rub up against the counter more. I squeezed my nipple harder this time, a low moan escaping as a wave went through my entire body. It was sensitivity and pleasure mixed together, and then I did it again.
I was anxious, reaching my hand down to palm myself one more time before letting my fingers slip underneath the fabric that was in the way. I was driving myself so crazy that I felt relieved when I finally wrapped my fingers around the base. Felix did the same thing before he leaned forward and dipped his head down.
You're thinking about him again—
Shut up!
I still remember how it felt when his lips were around my dick, so wet and warm on the inside. I was still wet, and I could feel it on my hand, or maybe that was the precum starting to spill out from all the teasing. The stain on the front of my underwear gave me a confirmation, capturing my bottom lip between my teeth again. I went slow, pressing on my nipple again lightly as I hummed from the sensation. I closed my eyes to imagine Felix in front of me again, pressing his tongue onto the slit to get a reaction out of me.
Changbin, look at yourself.
I don't want to.
My lips were parted, my breaths getting heavier as I started to roll my hips at the same pace as my hand. This is like how Felix let me take control. When he realized that I wanted to fuck his mouth, he just let me. The thought turned me on more, thinking about how submissive he is with just one simple movement. It's as if he liked how he was gagging, as if he liked that he was choking, as if he like how he could barely breathe.
Look at yourself.
The voice in my head made me open my eyes, only half open as I looked at the mirror. I hated the image that looked back at me, a hand gripping myself under my briefs while the other was up my shirt. The stain on my underwear was bigger than a few minutes ago. I looked disgusting, knowing the person who was turning me on right now. It made me want to puke and move my hand faster at the same time. I was so confused, unsure of what to do right now. The frustration made the grip on my hand tighten, which just made the throbbing worse.
You're disgusting.
I took my hand out of my underwear and my shirt, unable to look at myself anymore. I felt my eyes watering from the realization, whispering to myself, "I know I am." As I stared at the sink.
Get in the shower. Make it as cold as possible.
I pressed my lips together to try and stop myself from crying; pathetic. I pulled my shirt over my head and slipped off my pants and underwear, the throbbing feeling taking up my thoughts as I took my socks off. When I saw myself in the mirror again, I noticed how my left nipple was swollen from squeezing it. I had to turn away since I couldn't look at myself anymore, going over to the shower and turning it on the coldest setting. I didn't wait and got in right away, feeling the water getting colder with each passing second. It was so cold that it made my whole body shiver, splashing some on my face to get these thoughts out of my head.
I felt so dirty that I didn't know what to do, bringing my hands up and wrapping my arms around my torso to hug myself. I was trying to get warm, but I deserved the harshness of the cold. The throbbing started to get lighter, and I looked down to see that I wasn't as hard as I was before. It made me feel a little more at ease, but it also made my eyes well with tears.
This is so wrong.
I quickly grabbed the washcloth hanging next to me, trembling as I wet it under the water. I poured soap on it, way too much soap, but I didn't care. I needed to scrub this off me. My hand was shaking as I tried to clean my whole body, swallowing the lump in my throat that I wanted so badly to go away. I felt like I scrubbed every inch of my body, but it wasn't enough, so I went back and did the same thing again. There was one spot on my forearm that I got lost on, needing to scrub harder to feel a sense of relief.
I'm shameful.
A sob snuck up on me, releasing from the back of my throat. My skin was starting to burn considering the temperature of the water, and it was hurting. I kept staring at it while my whole body was trembling, the throbbing completely gone by this point. I felt the tears coming out of my eyes, my throat burning since I was trying my best to hold it in. I was so lost that I only snapped out of it when I saw the redness seeping out from under my skin, blood trickling down and mixing with the water from the shower.
I deserve it.
"Sometimes our worst enemy is ourselves."
- Unknown