[M] Star Lost || Changlix

14 - the fear of exposure

Changbin's POV:

October 22

I'm supposed to be meeting Felix at his house before we go to the movies, but I'm nervous. It's not like it's a date or anything, so why am I being like this? Not that I would ever go on a date with a boy anyways, but I guess if I were to do it, I would go out with Felix. I mean, we already have sex and get along with each other pretty well, but that doesn't make us a couple. Because we aren't a couple, we just help each other out.

I shook my head, trying to get out of my thoughts as I grabbed my jacket. It's a little chilly tonight, and you never know if Felix is going to need it at some point. I took a deep breath before walking out of my room and locking my bedroom door behind me. The house is disgusting, and I don't want that to get into my room. Especially since my parents have stolen my own money before, I need to lock it every time I leave.

I saw my mom sitting on the couch as I made my way down the stairs, her eyes closed as she leaned her head back. I have no idea where my dad is, but he's probably out getting high anyway. Not that my mom isn't high right now, because she probably is. I walked by her quietly so that she didn't know I was leaving. Not like they care anyway, but the last thing I want is for them to know I'm gone.

When I opened the front door, I wasn't expecting Felix to be standing on the front porch. I widened my eyes and was quick to get outside and close the door, quickly whispering, "What're you doing here?"

He gave me a little smile, "I was just ready early, and I don't have your number so—"

"Don't come here; ever..." I cut him off, his smile fading away, "It's for your own safety, ok? Just don't come here."

He scrunched his eyebrows, "What? What about your safety? You're the one who lives here."

I just dug myself into a hole, "Let's just go to the movies—"

"No..." He quickly said, "Are you not safe here?"

"I'm fine..." I replied, "Forget I said anything. Come on." I said, trying to walk around him and bring him with me down the front porch.

He stopped me when we got to the bottom of the stairs, spinning me around, "Changbin, tell me right now if you aren't safe."

I sighed, knowing I shouldn't have said anything in the first place. I moved closer to him, face-to-face as I quietly said, "Promise, I'm ok..." Purposely not answering the question so he would get passed it. I looked into his eyes for a moment, and he seemed to calm down a little, "Please, don't worry about me."

He pursed his lips, hesitating for a moment before he nodded in response. I gave him a little smile to reassure his doubts, "Come on."

. . . . .

Everything was fine once we got to the movies. We got popcorn and took our seats in the back corner of the theater. We were talking for a little while as the ads played, but when the lights dimmed down, we focused more on the movie.

We had finished the popcorn halfway through the movie, putting the empty bucket on the floor in front of us. I know Felix was excited about this movie since he really wanted to see it, but I was too centered on the boy next to me to even think about the movie.

His hand was so close to mine, and I had the sudden urge to hold it. I kept my eyes on the screen, even though I had no idea what was going on. I reached over and held his hand, knowing he turned his head towards me. I pretended to act like I didn't know he looked over to me. My heart was beating out of my chest, getting nervous to see what he would do. I let out a little quiet breath of relief when he held my hand back, interlacing our fingers together.

He squeezed my hand, and I saw his head turn back to the screen in my peripheral vision. The theater was close to empty, and we were sitting in the corner, so I wasn't too worried about anyone seeing us. The thing I wasn't expecting was for Felix to rest his head on my shoulder.

His hair was soft as it rubbed against my neck, turning my head to look at him. He was doing the same thing I did, watching the screen as I was panicking on the inside. I quickly looked around the theater, making sure nobody saw before putting my attention back on Felix. He brought his other hand up, resting it on my bicep to snuggle closer to me. I smiled lightly, bringing my hand up to rest on his and rubbing my thumb back and forth.

He's so cute.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, wanting to absorb this so I could remember it. A part of me wants to do this all the time, but the other part of me knows we can never be like this.

. . . . .

"Do you wanna come inside?" Felix asked when I walked him home.

It was late, and I was just planning on going back to my house, but this is ten times better. I nodded, shoving my hands into the pockets of my jeans as Felix unlocked the door for us. He glanced inside, making sure no one was there before he grabbed my hand. I was surprised when he did that, dragging me into his house and up the stairs. I'm guessing he was bringing me to his room, but I was confused about what exactly he was doing.

When we got to his room, he was quick to close the door behind me. He grabbed my shirt and pulled me closer to him, our lips smashing together quickly. I was caught off guard, getting pushed up against the door of his room as his hands moved up to my face to pull me closer. I placed my hands on his waist, his fingers getting tangled in my hair as we moved rhythmically.

He pulled away after a moment, smiling as he whispered against my lips, "I just really wanted to kiss you."

I smiled as well before he kissed me again, saying once I slightly pulled away, "Me too, baby."

I went back in for another kiss, pulling him towards me by his waist so that our chests were touching. He leaned into me, an arm wrapping around my neck while the other moved from my hair to my cheek. He pulled away to breath after a while, our noses still touching. I smiled, leaning my forehead on his before giving him a little kiss on the cheek. I whispered to him, "Hi."

He giggled cutely, whispering back, "Hi, Binnie."

We stared into each other's eyes for a moment, the world stopping. We were there for a while before Felix whispered, "Why don't you wanna be with me?"

I scrunched my eyebrows, "What?"

"You're gay..." He replied, leaving me speechless, "We do everything a couple does, and you still insist that you're straight."

I pulled my head away from him, his eyes turning red, "Baby, I—"

"Don't call me that!..." He screamed and then put his hands on my chest to shove me against the door. I winced in pain since I hit my head, hearing him scream, "How would you like it if I were to tell everyone in the school?!" His fingers were digging into my skin, wincing as his eyes got even redder.

I felt like I couldn't move, my eyes widening, "P-Please, you don't understand—"

"Yes, I do..." He cut me off, grabbing the collar of my shirt, "It's all on you. I'm the one who dictates the story, aren't I?"

"I-I'll do anything—"

He laughed lowly, "Too late."

I shot my eyes open, sucking in a breath as I sat up on my bed. I realized that I was just in my room, a cold sweat covering my shirt. I remembered dropping Felix off just hours earlier and then falling asleep once I got back to my house. I put a hand over my heart, trying to catch my breath as I looked at the time; one forty-five in the morning.

I brought my free hand up, combing my fingers through my sweaty hair to try and calm myself down. I took a deep breath, whispering, "Felix wouldn't do that... right?"

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it."

- Nelson Mandela