#DS4Unadorned #MAAAD #DaggerSeries
CHAPTER 24: PROMISE
MIREIA'S POV
"I must say, this is surprising. Iyong mga kakilala ko na models sobrang iwas talaga pagdating sa sweets pero ikaw ito pa ang hobby mo."
I smiled at Jennifer, one of the hosts of Cooking with JeNa; a local morning cooking show here in the Philippines. "Mahilig kasi ang nanay ko na magluto ng mga kakanin noong bata pa ako. Nagtitinda kami noon para may budget kami saka para sa school ko. Now when I'm stress or I have free time, baking talaga ang kinahiligan ko. Sweets make the world a better place."
"Tama ka riyan. Kapag mainit ang ulo mo, matamis na pagkain lang ang katapat, okay ka na," sabi ni Diana na pinapanood ang ginagawa ko. "But speaking of your younger days, sabi mo nga nagbebenta kayo ng kakanin. I read about your humble beginnings, at sobrang nakaka-proud na ang layo na ng narating mo. It's not everyday that we get to see a Filipina make it big internationally in the modelling industry. You didn't just establish your name, you also made your presence very loud and clear. "
"I needed to. If not everyone there will drown me. I grew up thinking that I'm tall pero pagdating ko sa ibang bansa ang liit ko lang pala." I chuckled while I pour all the ingredients on the white bowl I'm holding. "It's a competitive industry that demands a lot. Hindi katulad ng inaakala ng iba na ganda lang ang puhunan. Your beauty and your body might help you get on the catwalk, but to stay there, you need to be relevant. If you want to be remembered, you can't just be another pretty face."
"You are known for being vocal about the things you believe in and you're not afraid of headbutting with other big names."
I continued whisking. "Nasa dugo naman natin iyon. Papayag ba naman tayo na magpaapi?"
"Pero paano ka nakaka-cope pagdating sa criticisms?" tanong ni Diana.
"Parte na kasi siya ng buhay ko o ng kahit na sino na nasa isang industriya kung saan nakapubliko talaga ang buhay."
"So you just ignore them?"
Pumasok sa isipan ko ang mga pagkakataon na napapaaway ako dahil sa kamalditahan ko. "Depende." The audience laughed as well as the host. I shrugged and gave the camera a coy smile. "Just like I said, papayag ba tayo na magpaapi? I don't have a role to play. I'm just a model. Kung gusto ko sagutin ang mga sinasabi sa akin lalo na kung mali talaga, why would I hold back? Wala namang mawawala sa akin. I would regret it more if I didn't try to defend myself."
"What do they usually say?"
Isinalin ko sa saucepan ang mixture at binuksan ko ang kalan para ilagay iyon doon. "Kadalasan dahil sa katawan ko. I don't fit on the usual standard of models. Kahit pa subukan ko at kahit hindi ako kumain may mga parte sa akin na hindi liliit." The laughter in the audience was contagious. "It's not my fault that brands want to book me. Naniniwala sila sa kaya kong ibigay sa kanila. The world is changing, and the way we perceive things is changing too. Why should we limit ourselves to one thing if we could have more? We need to teach children not to look at themselves as someone lacking dahil lang iba sila. Dahil hindi iyon ang nakikita nila sa media. You can't categorize beauty according to body type or skin color. Beauty is not supposed to be exclusive."
"I totally agree with that. Beauty is so commercialized pero iyong standard na sineset iisa lang. No wonder sometimes when you try some beauty products, it just doesn't work. Kasi walang variety. But now at least there are brands that are trying," Jennifer said.
"We're all beginning to know what we want and demand for it. We don't just simply try and fit ourselves to the mold available given by others. Natututo na tayo na i-appreciate kung ano iyong nakikita natin sa sarili natin na hindi natin ginugustong baguhin iyon para lang makapasok tayo sa standard ng iba."
It took me awhile to finish preparing for the filling and the main mixture. When the cream was cooling in the fridge and I had the mixture of what I was about to bake inside the piping bag, I saw Diana reach for a bunch of cards.
"Habang ginagawa mo ang Funfetti éclair mo, we have questions from the audience." She looked at the first card and read it, "This one is simple. From Charry Lyn, ano raw ang favorite mo na flower and why?"
"Dead ones." Napaubo ang host sa naging sagot ko kasabay ng muling tawanan ng mga nanonood. "Seryoso, iyong mga tuyo na talaga ang gusto ko na bulaklak."
"Bakit?"
"I like that they are useful even when they supposed to have lost their purpose. We use flowers as a gift for celebrations or a token of appreciation, but once they wilted, they will just be thrown away. I like dried flowers because they're still beautiful even after everything. Hindi sila basta itinatapon na lang."
Nagpatuloy sila sa pagtatanong habang ako ay abala sa pag-pipe sa baking pan na nasa harapan ko. Nang matapos ako sa ginagawa ay inilagay ko na iyon sa oven. I multitasked between baking and answering them. The questions were mild so I didn't mind.
"This question is from Levin Ann, describe mo raw ang past relationship mo by filling the blank to this phrase. Pinagtagpo pero blank?"
"Pinagtagpo pero ginago." The whole place erupted with laughter, at nanlalaki ang mga matang napatakip ako sa bibig ko. "Sorry. Morning show nga pala. Sorry kids!"
Diana continued, "From Aaliyah, what's the sweetest thing in the world you have ever tasted daw?"
For some reason, my eyes instantly strayed in a particular direction. I looked at the man that even if he were placed in the middle of a huge crowd, I would still be able to find. "Sweetest? I know one that is the sweetest pero hindi ko pa natitikman."
Nanlaki ang mga mata ni Axel kasabay nang pamumula ng mukha niya. Domino, who's sitting beside him, throws him a teasing look.
"I'm sorry!" napapakamot sa ulo na sabi ko sa mga host. "Medyo makalat talaga ang pagkatao ko. Last na 'yon, promise."
They didn't look bothered by it and it's quite cool. Para kasing anything goes sa kanila hindi katulad sa maraming shows na very controlled dahil may strict regulations.
"This one is from Dom."
Umangat ang kilay ko at tumingin ako kay Domino na itinaas ang hawak niya na maliit na banner na may nakasulat na pangalan ko. Kaya naman pala ultimate fanboy ang tawag sa kaniya nila Belaya.
"I think maraming gustong malaman 'to," sabi ni Diana na may hawak na panibagong card. " Are you dating daw ba or are you available daw?"
Nilingon ni Axel ang kapatid at base sa tingin na ibinibigay niya kay Domino ay mukhang ang nakababatang Dawson ang papalit kay Trace sa pagiging "paborito" ni Cruel Axel.
"I'm not dating." I saw how Axel's expression went blank. I know he's not angry at me, but he also didn't like my answer. "But I'm also not available."
"Paano 'yon?" curious na tanong ni Jennifer.
Inalis ko ang mga mata ko kay Axel na lumiwanag ang mukha at hinarap ko ang babae. "The man I'm with doesn't believe in taking it slow. Hindi uso ang preno sa kaniya. Hindi man lang kami dumaan sa dating or courting stage." Iginalaw ko ang kamay ko na may suot na singsing. "Nalagyan na nga ako ng singsing wala pa kaming official date na dalawa."
"So soon pala totally not available ka na?"
"Even without marriage, I don't think I will ever be available for anyone else."
For the first time, I don't feel any uncertainty. Kahit ano pang mangyari sa huli, whether we end up together or not, I don't think I can be with anyone else. He set up a standard that will not be easy to find sa kahit na sino. If he let me go, siguro makukuntento na lang ako sa mga karakter sa mga libro na binabasa ko. They're the only one that can climb up to the bar Axel stationed inside my heart.
"Question lang, ito hindi galing sa ating audience. Para sa'yo ano ba ang basehan mo para masabi mong siya na?" tanong ulit ni Jennifer.
"If he stays with me even if it's hard to be with me, if he wants to see everything behind the embellished version of me, and if I'm scared about the future and I want to run away, but I'm still trying not to... I guess for me iyon 'yung pagkakataon na masasabi ko na siya na nga. Because wanting someone is just a natural response of yourself recognizing the things you like, but staying with someone is a choice."
Muli akong tumingin sa kinaroroonan ni Axel. His mouth moved, and even with the distance and the silence of his words, I could understand him clearly.
"I want to see, and you'll never lose me."
NAPAPANGITI na lang ako kay Domino na hindi na alam kung paano bibitbitin ang napakaraming kahon ng pizza na dala niya. Samantalang sa tabi niya naman ay naroon si Axel na isang paper bag lang ang dala pero ingat na ingat na siya na para bang babasagin ang laman no'n.
"Domino, let me help," I said to the man for the second time the moment we left the car. We're currently walking at the naturalesque landscape at the back of the hospital. Doon kasi kami nakahanap ng pagpaparadahan.
"Kaya ko 'to. Ako pa ba? Magtiwala ka lang sa muscles ko," nilingon niya ang kapatid niya. "Dapat nga itong si Kuya Axel ang nagpapa-impress sa'yo eh."
Tumigil sa pagsilip-silip sa laman ng paper bag si Axel. Sa kaniya ko kasi binigay ang naikahon ko na éclair para iuwi. I even wrote a note "For the sweetest man." on top of the box. "Hindi ko kailangan magpa-impress. I'm Mireia's favorite person in the world."
"Kailan ko naman sinabing favorite kita?" tanong ko.
Axel gave me his version of puppy dog eyes. Maybe bunny pleading eyes ang mas bagay na itawag sa version niya. "I'm not your favorite?"
"Siyempre si Naynay ang favorite ko sa buong mundo. Pangalawa si Marthena, then si Belaya. Tapos no'n ikaw na ang susunod." Marahang tinapik ko ang braso niya. "Pero ikaw ang favorite ko na Dawson."
His beaming smile is blinding. "You're my favorite person in the world."
"Wow. Walo kaming magkakapatid pero lahat kami hindi priority," nang-aasar na sabi ni Domino.
Axel looked at him through narrowed eyes. "Malalaki na kayo."
"Malaki na rin si Mireia."
"She's my angel."
"Eh kami?"
"Ewan ko pero sigurado ako na hindi kayo anghel."
I chortled at their banter. Lalo pa at umakto si Domino na parang sobrang nasaktan siya sa sinabi ng kapatid. Pinatulis niya pa ang mga nguso niya bago siya tumakbo at iniwan na kami. Papunta kasi kami kay Lucienne.
"Mireia?"
"Yes?"
"Do you want to get married?"
Kahit walang iniinom ay nasamid ako sa naging tanong niya. Nanlalaki ang mga matang nilingon ko siya. "What? Saan nanggaling 'yon?"
He chuckled, "I'm not saying now. Naalala ko lang kasi iyong sinabi mo kanina. You said even without getting married, you don't think that you'll be available." Inabot niya ang kamay ko na suot ang singsing na ibinigay niya sa akin. "I slid this ring on you, but at that time the plan was for us to pretend. You didn't exactly said yes. We just agreed to the same situation. But if I will ask you someday, would you say yes?"
"Iba ang definition natin ng someday. Ang someday sa akin ilang taon pa. Ang someday sa'yo pwedeng bukas na." Nang manatili lang siyang naghihintay ay pinaikot ko ang mga mata ko. "Depende."
"On what?"
"You heard it earlier. There are things I still need you to see and know. I'm just taking everything one step at a time. We have a lot of time ahead of us, and I just want to be like this for a moment. Iyong tayo lang at wala pang dala na ibang mga bagay."
"But you're carrying it alone."
"I know. It's just... when I pull it out in the open, it makes it seem more... real. I spent years burying everything. It won't be easy to dig them up."
Axel is patient, but it's unfair for him to walk blind. I know that. I can see that. Nakikita ko rin na handa siyang ibigay lahat ng gusto ko. If that's what I needed he will give me that... and it's not fair.
I bit on my lower lip for a moment. "Remember Gale?" When he nodded, I continued, "Siya iyong pinakamatagal ko na relasyon. He would have stayed with me no matter what if I didn't let him go."
I can see a lot of questions in his eyes, but he reign them in. Tahimik lang siyang nasa tabi ko habang naglalakad kami.
"It's hard for me to open up. Kung may depenisyon ng trust issue sa dictionary siguro nasa tabi no'n ang pangalan ko. It's hard to me to be close to anyone. Sa relasyon ay hindi pwede 'yon. I can't even sleep next to him. I will lay there beside him and wait for him to finally sleep... tapos umaalis ako."
I looked at him, but there wasn't any change on him. Nananatili lang siyang nakikinig at hindi kakikitaan ng kahit na ano na magsasabi na naapektuhan siya sa pinag-uusapan namin. After all we're talking about a different man. Pero katulad ng minsan niyang sinabi sa akin, he's not bothered about my past relationships.
"I can't let go with them," I whispered. "What kind of relationship would that be? He wanted a family. How can I give him that, when I can't even sleep next to him?"
Axel stopped walking and I did too. "You can with me."
I gave him a small smile. "I know."
His eyes never left mine. I can almost see the thoughts racing inside his mind, and every moment that passes, I know how he's piecing things together; everything that we talked about. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but when my vision became clouded, he pressed his lips together to stop himself.
We stayed silent for a moment, even though the screaming inside of us was louder than ever. I can almost hear his own, because it's not far from mine. It's something that I endured listening to for years; the cries full of anguish.
When he let the paper bag he was holding fall to the ground and drew me into his arms, warmth enveloped my heart. Napapikit ako nang maramdaman ko ang mahigpit niya na yakap.
Hugs never touched me the way his does. It could reach me more than thousands of kisses could. Maybe it's because when you hug someone, your hearts are so close to each other. You can feel it beating against your own. It was as if they were communicating more than words could ever be able to.
When he pulled away, he didn't let me go entirely. He reached for my hand and kissed my palm before placing it on top of his beating heart. "All that I am, Mireia. Everything that I am loves you."
"I have so little left of me... not enough for you. Not what you deserve." His lips moved as if to contest what I said, but I shook my head. "But if that is all I have left, if it's with you, I'll surrender them all. If that's what you want. But can you wait for me for a little while? Because when I say the words that you need, I want it to be when I know I tried everything... that I did all I could to give you the best that I could."
He didn't let my hand go when he nodded. He didn't even tear his eyes away from me. It was like he needed me to stay where I am. As if he was only holding on, because I'm here with him. Katulad kung paano na nananatili ang mga paa ko sa kinatatayuan ko dahil nandito siya at kasama ko.
"Can you promise me one thing?" he whispered.
"What?"
"No matter what happen, no matter what you think I deserve, no matter what you end up thinking as right... can you not go? Can you stay with me and talk to me first? So that I can convince you that there's no place I would rather be but be with you." I could hear a quiver in his voice. "So that I could show you that there's nothing I want more than you."
"Axel—"
"I can't lose you. I can handle anything except that."
With tear-filled eyes, I pulled on my hand so that he would let me go. Pain flashed in his eyes, but I didn't let it settle. Mabilis na iniyakap ko ang mga braso ko sa bewang niya at sinubsob ko ang mukha ko sa dibdib niya.
"Don't give me too much credit, Axel. Leaving you would be excruciating." I tightened my hold on him. "I just need a little time. I promise. I promise you that I will try. I promise that I won't leave you just like that. Not like what I did before."
I felt his hand on the back of my head, hugging me back as if his life depended on it.
"I kissed you," I whispered. "You keep giving me back my third wish, so I took what I really wanted. Before I left that morning, I kissed you. I'm sorry if I did that without telling you. It wasn't right—"
"It's okay. I don't mind," he said in a voice that is as quiet as mine. "I just wish that you woke me up."
"Then I wouldn't find the strength to leave."
"I wouldn't have let you go." He gently tugged my head up. When our eyes met, it was like he's drowning me with light, filling the void inside me. "But it was what you needed at that time. So it's okay."
"I broke your heart."
"Yours broke too, didn't it?"
Hindi ako nagsalita pero alam kong kita niya ang kasagutan sa mga mata ko. My soul felt like they were already broken into millions of pieces, but when I walked away from him... that's when my heart shattered with the rest of the fragments of my everything.
"It doesn't matter, Mireia. You're here with me right now, and I have no plans of ever letting you go."