"Jo can we talk" Lizzy came into the gym. I'm just trying to get a moment of peace. I shrugged and threw off my boxing gloves. I grabbed my water, chugging it down to steady my breathing. "It's her anniversary." Lizzy had tears falling from her face. I felt guilty.
I sat on the bench looking down. "I know." I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to relive the moment I got that phone call. The moment I looked down in her face and watched as she was taken from me.
"I'm going back to Savanna. I hoped to come back and rekindle what we had. We move on and love each other but no matter how hard I try. You still loved her, no matter what I wore no matter what I did it was her. And I want that for you Jo. I want you to be happy, you deserve it." Liz grabbed my hand. "Bye Jovian." She smiled at me before turning her heel. I quickly stopped her.
I reached out and pecked her cold cheek. I let my lips linger on her cheek. "You deserve happiness too."
After the gym I went home. Ansel has been quiet these days and Kia. I'm worried about Jules. I've thought about going by her apartment to check on her but she needs space. After the Gala I was hurt really badly but I understand why, Jules has been hurt so many times that she isn't allowing herself to fall into that pattern again. The best thing I can do is show her I love her regardless.
When I got home I didn't wait to go straight to my bar. Today was going to hurt a hell of a lot more if I was sober.
So I drank till I blacked out.
"Ma, can I go outside after I finish my homework?" I asked impatiently. Math homework sucked so much. I hated even doing it. Anything involving reading sucked. Sometimes words float or zoom in and out or even look backwards. Sometime around eight my Ma took me to the doctor and they said I was dyslexic. It's not bad I can still read, I just have some trouble. But as I'm getting older it's becoming more faint.
"Yeah. Come back inside when the streetlights turn on." she said then resumed talking on the phone.
Going outside with Ansel, Derek and Malik was an everyday thing. Like clockwork when school was out we went out. As soon as I finished my homework I ran outside. Our apartment complex had a basketball court that we met up at.
"Damn Jo, you are an hour behind." Malik was a grade higher than all of us. He dribbled the ball before passing it to me.
"Hard time with homework again?" Derek asked and I shrugged.
"We gonna play or what?" I wanted to change the subject smoothly.
We got in a couple of games before the street lights turned on. Me and Malik won of course.
"Yo, have y'all seen the white chick who moved next door to Jo?" I turned to look at Derek. It was odd hearing we had someone moving in. Everyone knew each other in the apartment complexes. It was a small family kinda thing.
"Nah" I looked up at the stars.
"I've gotta get in on dat." Derek announced putting the claim on her. When the group says we got eyes on a girl that's basically a way of tell the rest of the group to fuck off.
I got up dribbling the ball between my legs "I gotta go" I said a short goodbye.
When I got back inside me and ma ate dinner together, supposedly el was sleeping.
"Ma can we go see dad tomorrow?" Dad was recently diagnosed with lung cancer, but he knew for a while. We just found out when it got bad.
Mom looked up from her food, she tried to keep a strong face "of course. He was asked about you today. He wanted to know how you did at school" I nodded
"School was alright- it's getting easier with a little help." It was weird having an aid help me at school. I mean no one said anything because Malik would handle them. I didn't like the whole violence thing. "I might try out for basketball" I mentioned eating a price of pork chop.
Ma smiled proudly "You should. Me and your father have been telling ya you have real talent. Someone will invest in your talent." Ma paused picking up her drink "Oh the next door neighbor, their daughters are going to the same school as you. I told them you'll walk her to school"
"Yes ma'am" When we finished dinner I cleaned the kitchen and made a small plate. I snuck down to El room quietly
Knocking lightly I heard a slight come in. El is like five or so. I don't know if I forgot. When I opened the door she was in her bed sniffling. El is taking dad being sick really hard. She goes days without eating or moving. Me and ma try to help her the best we can but nothing seems to work.
"Tonight ma made pork chops" I set the plate on her nightstand. She peaked up at me looking.. blank. She ever usually would talk, it would mostly be me talking to her.
"Tomorrow we're gonna go see him. You wanna go?" She shook her head yes.
"El. Can you please eat? I'll go down to the corner store and get you some ice cream, hm?" El might be sad but she's still a five year old. She nodded, showing me a toothy smile.
"I'll be back" I kissed her forehead before leaving. I went to my room and got my last couple of dollars. I didn't get paid next week and this paycheck I helped mom with the utility bills so my spare money was cut. But I was happy to help. I don't want mom to stress over dad's hospital bill.
Leaving the house I was hit with the cold chilly night. I jogged down to the corner store and browsed the ice cream. El liked the unpopular ice creams. Mint and chocolate, pistachio, butter pecan. Pistachio was right in front of me so I got her that.
After I checked out I left the story and noticed a girl sitting against the wall. She was looking up at the sky. She noticed me standing here and I waved before walking across the street. Her eyes had loneliness written all over them. I hope her night gets better.
♧
I held El's hand as we walked into the hospital room. When I say dad my heart stopped beating. His skin was paler, his eyes had bags under them, his skin was glistening like he'd been sweating, he looked two shades lighter. He's lost a lot of weight. His eyes barely stayed open.
"Ellie! Jo!" He gasped out before turning into a coughing fit. El grip on my hand tightened. Mom held dad clammy hand as she stood beside the hospital bed. El's scared of him, I could see it on her face.
"Hey dad." I greeted dad trying to get Ellie to soften up. She let go of my hand and slowly inched closer to his bed. When she got there she stopped. She reached up fro him and mom helped her hug dad. For the first time in a while Ellie smiled. She really smiled.
"Ellie sweetheart. I love you so much. But soon" He gasped for air "Soon I have to go to a magical place. A play where I'll be at peace. I'll be healthy, strong and happy." He coughed "A place where I can watch over you and Jo" He mumbled out. He's getting weaker. I didn't realize I was crying till a tear fell on my hand. I quickly wiped my tears away. I need to be strong for ma and El.
"Why can't I go with you?" She asked, making more tears fall from my eyes. I look up at the ceiling
Dad put his hand on hers "Because it isn't your time. You still have lots of life in you" He poked her, making her giggle.
"I'll miss you" She frowned.
"I'll miss you too"
His eyes found me "Come here son" He waved me over to the opposite side of El. "Jo. I know you're going to do big things. I know you're going to make it, I know you're going to make me proud." He pointed to his bedside. I opened it and saw a gold chain.
"My pops gave it to me when I got in the NFL. I know you'll make it. So go ahead and put it on " he urged me, his eyes slowly closing.
I carefully put it on and dad smiled proudly. "Let me and your dad have a little time to talk" Ma told me and el. El left the room reluctantly.
"Jo." She called my named I looked at her. "Can we go to the park later?" I smiled, she hasn't asked me about going to the park in awhile. That's when I knew what dad said gave her closure. It helped her.
"Sure"
♧
I was usually done getting ready for school early. But I waited for the new girl so I could walk her. I waited and waited. Damn how long does it take? I heard Malik coming out of his apartment. "It's one hell of a morning. Why you standing here when you should be at school?"
"Waiting for-" then I finally heard the door open. And a red head stepped out. She was really pretty, her hair was tied messy in an updo, she had dark blue eyes and vibrant freckles.
"I'm finished. Sorry I took a long. Didn't know how to dress" I looked down at her outfit. It was a simple button down with a skirt. Most definitely a private school kid.
"You kids better get to school, or you'll be late" Malik smirked.
She ignored the simple exchange and held her books closer to her chest. "I'll hold your books for you?" I offered and she shook her head declining my offer. I walked her to school quietly and quickly, never again. When we got to school I tried to part ways with her before Derek saw.
"Wait!" She ran up to me "I'm Lizzy. And I'm completely lost. Where's the English class?" I have English first too
"I'll just walk you" I said, shoving my hands in my pocket. When we got to English I went to my regular seat and the red head followed me "does anyone sit beside you?"
No, because I prefer to sit alone english. Especially so the teacher doesn't notice me and calls on me. "Nah" I didn't want to be rude to her. When I saw Derek walk in the English room he cut his eye at me. He came and sat behind us.
"Okay class. Today we are reading" I fixed my glasses feeling uncomfortable. Miss Dacks eyes found me "Jovian you may step outside. Mr Hudges is waiting" when she said that I felt every eye on me. I heard whispers and some laughs. I got up and walked down like I wasn't fazed.
When I got in the hallway I scolded Franklin, Franklin is the guy who's supposed to help me get better at reading. "You could've waited into after class, ya know save me some embarrassment." Franklin put his arms around my shoulder guiding me to the gym like we usually did.
"What's embarrassing is watching you squirm in your seat next to the new girl." I ignored his statement.
"So why'd you call me out, for real?" I asked catching a ball he threw at me full force.
"You're.. trying out for volleyball. Today, right now." Frank said, pointing at the basketball coach.
I stopped walking "Tryouts are next Friday" the varsity game was happening today. Their last game
"Yes but we need you to sub in for a game today. Meaning you have to be on the team. You got a physical right?"
I nodded "I got one from last year it's up to date"
"Great. Show me what you got" Coach smiled. I took a deep breath before giving it my all.
Tryouts were pretty simple, everything he told me to do I did even better than he told me to. "Man. You got some raw talent" He patted my shoulder.
"Thanks" I shrugged trying to stay humble.
He looked me in the eye "Are you serious about basketball?"
"Yes sir."
"You're on the team. Stay after school there'll be a bus to the game." He said before walking away.
Franklin dapped me up before writing me a pass and sending me back to class. The rest of the day I felt excited. Like I had infinite adrenaline, like I had a chance to prove myself to people. Everyone looks down on me because I'm not school smart and everyone knows that. But I want tot show people that I'm more than they think, it's dumb.
At lunch I walked to our usual meet up and I ran into Lizzy on the way. "Hey." She waved at me. I waved back. She looked a bit weird?
"Hey. You good?" She nodded.
"Just some stupid guys here that don't know how to keep there hands to themselves" she shrugged trying to smile.
"Which guys?" People at this school are jerks and it's things that can be ignored sometimes. But when they put their hands on people and disrespect them is where the line is drawn.
"Don't worry about it" she waved me off. She looked up at me, her blue eyes glistening "can you eat lunch with me?" Liz seems like a nice girl. The only girl who would talk to me really. I mean I wasn't bad looking it was the fact I was dyslexic and some people thought that would hurt their reputation.
"Uh su-"
"Jojo my boy!!" Malik came running down the hall with Ansel. When they approached me they jumped on me "congratulations bro!" Ansel said, shaking my shoulder.
"Thanks man." They settled down and exchanged looks.
"Are we interrupting?" I looked at Liz for an answer but she looked away blushing.
"Nah. We were just going to have lunch, wanna join?" I knew Derek liked Liz or wanted her. So I couldn't even give her the slightest hope.
They shrugged and sat on the opposite side of me and Lizzy then Derek came in and sat in between me and Lizzy.
"Where are you from?" Derek asked her.
"Somewhere around here. " she said not interested in the conversation. I took a bite in my turkey sandwich ignoring the odd conversation.
"Jovian. Are you doing anything later tonight?" She asked as I just bit into my sandwich. Malik gave me a sly smile.
"Um.." I mumbled with a mouth full and quickly swallowed. I looked at Derek and he was looking at the floor.
"Um I have a basketball game"
"I might come." She shrugged teasingly.
This feels odd now "I have to go" I packed up my things quickly and left.
♧
Being on the court felt amazing. The squeaking of the shoes, the of the ball. I loved it all, I craved for the adrenaline I get when the ball is in my hands. So far we were winning. I was dunking the ball alor but also playing defense. At the end of the game we won.
We were cheering and celebrating. They were shocked by my performance.
"You performed really well, son. Looking forward to seeing more of you" he patted my shoulder and I smiled at him.
I finally felt seen and appreciated. When I finished changing out in the locker room I met mom and el out back. When I got there mom ran up happily and hugged me. "I'm so proud of you Jo!!" She nearly screamed. My mom was so upbeat and happy.
"Thanks ma" I chuckled at her behavior.
"I say we have pizza tonight!" El shouted jumping up and down. Ma looked to me for an answer and I nodded.
When we got home we sat around the living room and at the pizza, we laughed and smiled. We were truly happy. Later on before it got to late I wanted to stop by the hospital. I practically ran up to dad room and busted through the door. "I did it! Dad I did it I won't my first game!" I walked over to his bed and he smiled barely. "Proud of-of-" his whole face fell nonchalant. His body feel stiff. And his heart ventilator went silent.
"Dad," my voice broke. I shook his body softly "dad!" My breathing went out of control.
"Dad please" I sobbed out loudly, not caring who saw or heard. Nurses stormed in kicking me out of the room.
Dad was gone.
I stared at my trophies presented in my room. Ranging from my first one to the one I just received. I've recently come back from my break. After dad died I took a long break. I needed time to be able and go out and play basketball again, I needed the courage. Now everytime I'm on the court, I honor him. Because that's what he deserves.
"Jovian. We need to talk!." Ma shouted from the living room. Ah hell what do I do now?
I came out of my room and sat on the couch.
"I can't keep getting calls from your principal saying you are fighting people and saying nasty things." Oh.
I shrugged "Yes ma'am" I sighed. I'm not trying to argue with ma, not today.
"Now go to the corner store and get me a cornbread mix." I nodded and grabbed my jacket before leaving. Mom has been on edge lately, getting more pissy about things which only makes me worry about her. When dad died she had come to peace with it. She said at least he won't be in pain anymore and that he'll be somewhere safe.
Walking out the apartment I saw Lizzy sitting on the side of the steps. She had cut her hair to where it was curly and shoulder length. Her and Derek have been a little thing ever since I stopped talking to people.
She looked back when she heard my door close and smiled, giving me a small wave.
I did a head nod before I heard Malik "Yo! Jojo!" He ran up to me dapping me up. I haven't saw Malik in awhile. Not since the funeral.
"Sup Malik." I put my hands in my pocket and started to walk down as she followed me.
"We got a game tomorrow, you?" I gave him a 'are you serious ' look.
"Of course I'm in. I'm running to the store for ma right quick you coming?" I asked stopping at the last step. He said yea.
"This is our make it or break it chance man, imagine it. You, me and Ansel al in the NBA together?! Man that'll be dope" he nudged me with his shoulder. I smiled imagining all of us. But then it hit me. He ain't mentioned Derek.
"What's up with you and Derek?"
Malik made a blow sound with his mouth "He said some foul shit about you. He and Ansel had to drop his ass immediately." Oh. "It's because that redhead chick dig you. And you know how insecure Derek is. He let it mess with his ego and everything."
I shrugged. Lizzy didn't try and hide the fact she was interested.
After I got the cornbread mix I went back home, Malik left early because he had something to do. The only thing that was on my mind was tomorrow's game. Before dinner I did a mile around my apartment complex, then after dinner I did two miles. Before bed I did some push ups and sit ups. It helps me sleep.
♧
I slept through almost every class today. Now I am in math class, my least favorite class. Mostly because the teacher.
"Jovian. Can you tell me how to solve this equation on the board? '' My head snapped up and I adjusted my glasses. I squinted my eyes to see the board. Everything was gibberish.
"Did you forget? He can't read!" Someone said, that someone being Bradly. No one laughed because the jokes aren't funny and they were never funny. I shot up and was about to make my way over to bradley. "jovian. Come out in the hall. " Franklin called making me stop in my tracks.
I balled my fist and pushed past Franklin. "You're getting a phone call home Jovian." my math teacher said before Frank closed the door.
Frank shoved me "What the hell? You can't have an outburst in the middle of class. Just because someone says some outta pocket shit doesn't mean you have to respond. You got scouts coming tonight. You have an offer lined up tonight. You will not screw that up. Don't start getting comfortable." Frank stabbed his finger in my chest.
"Ok. Ok" I rubbed my face "My bad."
"Yes your bad indeed. And she's calling you moms. I'll vouch for you and tell your mom he came for you first. But don't mess up again" Frank scolded me before leaving.
Around lunch time I was going to our usual spot. When I got there it was just Liz and Malik there. "The man of the hour. I heard you were gonna rearrange Bradly's face. " Malik mumbled with a mouthful of chips.
"The dyslexic jokes are out of date now. They were never funny in the first place." I took out an apple.
"I agree" Liz pitched in "It's dumb. All of it" Liz slammed shut her container. Me and Malik exchanged looks.
"Oh me and Derek broke up by the way. He was a huge dick." Liz mumbled a few other words that were not.. appropriate.
Ansel came to the table skipping "Guess what!" He pulled out a grilled cheese and took a bite. "My parents are gone for the weekend" he spoke with a mouthful of food. "Party at my house spread the word" He told us before getting up.
"Where you going?" I asked, I haven't seen him all day.
"I have a lunch date." He smiled brightly before walking away. Must be nice.
♧
The night of Ansel's party me and Malik rode together, I was excited to get out of the house. We had just won the basketball, I got scouted I mean everything's going good fine. As soon as we got to the party we parted ways. I fixed myself a drink then Liz found me. "Jovian. Didn't think this was your place of scenery." She observed taking a sip of her drink.
"It's not but I guess I have a little to celebrate."
She nudged my shoulder "A little? You've had a hell of a week. You deserve to reward yourself"
She's right. We continued to talk and drink more. Sooner or later we found ourselves in a room with just us two. Quiet.
One thing led to another and her lips were on mine. Liz kissed me first which wasn't surprising. I kissed her back because why not? I didn't expect this to lead to me taking her virginity. I cared for Liz and I wanted to make sure that she really wanted this. That she wasn't acting on impulsive thoughts.
In the morning we woke up, liz was still asleep so I quickly got dressed. Then she woke up and got dressed and we left. We didn't speak a word, the after sex thing has always been weird. Really really weird.
After that I haven't seen Liz in a couple months. School was out so everything was good. I was going to college soon. I had a couple scholarships to choose and I was grateful I had the opportunity. I was outside dribbling the ball. I heard a door open and close. I look up to see Liz, her face completely stained with tears. Her lip trembled as if she was ready to burst
"I'm pregnant" she sobbed out.
♧
Her parents stared at me with judgmental eyes. " Why'd you knock her up? You want money or something?" Damn they horrible already.
"No ma'am I don't want-"
"People like you always want something, so just say it. What does you want?"
People like me?
" Mom, stop" Liz said with clear embarrassment. The rest of the dinner was silent and I barely ate.
I stood up " Excuse me I have somewhere to go" I dismissed myself.
I went to Malik's house immediately. He tossed a bottle of soda at me. "Her parents are hella weird. But hey at least I can be an uncle" I really really really don't want a baby. My career hasn't even taken off and mom?? She's really really disappointed in me.
"Everything's so fucked up" I complained my hands in my head. "I don't want a baby. at all. I don't want one, it'll mess up everything."
Malik put his hand on my shoulder "Calm down. You'll be a great father plus you can still pursue your career."
"I've really fucked up this time." I chug down the soda Malik gave me.
Malik picked up his game controller "Look, the best thing you can do is be there for her and still thrive towards your basketball career. I know you got this bro." He tossed a controller at me. I caught it quickly.
Then days went by, me doing the same thing. Either taking Liz to a doctor's appointment or just hanging with her. Most of my time I spent at the gym. I used working out as an escape, running mostly helped. Because when I ran my head focused on my body, nothing else. When boxed my head focused on my form. When I lifted I focused on the weights. It was a routine now. On hard days I ran.
Then months went by, Liz hormones got worse. El was having a hard time at school, and we were barely passing by. Mom needed more help with the bills and other finances so I got a job. It was long needed but I just didn't realize it. She was reluctant to let me help because I'm a kid and it's not my responsibility. But if I see my mom struggling ima help.
"I saw Liz the other day. She looks happy." Ansel commented.
I shrugged "Yeah she is. Today she's dragging me shopping for the baby. Oh by the way it's a girl" I forgot to tell them. Malik and Ansel dapped me up
"I can't wait to play dolls with her!" Ansel said excitedly, making me glance at him. I'm not surprised, Ansel was probably going to use her as an excuse to play dolls.
"Man, I'm happy for you." Malik looked at me genuinely, I smiled at him.
I looked at my phone to see a text from Liz "speaking of leaving- I gotta go." I left Malik's house. I went down the apartment complex to meet Liz. She was standing by the basketball court. Liz had a special glow to her, she didn't advertise her pregnancy she mostly wore sweatshirts and some of my shirts to hide it.
"You ready?" I asked her and she looked up and nodded.
♧
Liz held up this white and pink dress with a bow on the side. "What do you think?"
"I think we should go with more.. neutral colors. It's already too pink." Liz rolled her eyes. "That's the point, pink!"
I shook my head "uh no. I'd rather she doesn't have a lot of pink on. What if she doesn't like pink?" Liz gasped.
"No child of mine will not like pink" She dramatically put her hand on her heart making me chuckle.
"I rest my case. Neutral colors. Brown, white, tan, hell black. We have so many options other than pink." I look to my side and see this nice two piece outfit that comes with red shorts and a jersey "Like this." I showed an example.
Liz laughed "well it's kinda cute" she shrugged not wanting to admit I'm right.
"Once again. My point rested" I put it in the cart. We looked around for a couple more things. Not gonna lie baby clothes are kinda cute and fun to shop for. We picked up a mix of girly and tomboy, just for options.
When we finished shopping we went to the burger place across the store. "So, for names I was thinking Jamie as a middle name. You know- after your father." I stopped drinking my milkshake and kinda smiled. I appreciated the fact she's incorporating his name into the baby's name.
"Thanks Liz, for real." She smiled at me, reaching out and putting her hand on top of mine.
"I didn't know you're father but from what I've heard he was an awesome father." I looked away feeling the pain creeping back in. He was.
Liz cleared her throat "for a first name I was thinking you pick." I looked at her with my eyebrow raised.
"Hayley?" I don't know, I've just always liked the name .
"Hm. I like" she said while eating a fry.Her face lit up like she remembered something "what about last name?"
"Oh easy. She'll take your last name. Since we aren't married it'll be more appropriate for her to have your last name" That wasn't a very common thing but I always felt like it was important for the moms to get more credit than they do.
"Jovian you know we could get married" Oh- uh. I took a sip of my cookies and cream milkshake again. I loved Liz, but as the mother of my child. That night was irresponsible fun. I never had feelings feelings for
Liz like she did for me. I feel very guilty for even sleeping with her knowing she liked me and I didn't reciprocate the feelings.
"Nevermind" she whispered "your silence said it all. But it's fine. I just want us to be happy."
I was overwhelmed but happy. Even though that was short lived. We could've made this work. We really could've.
"Jovian. Come here" she said looking down at her belly. Her bump wasn't that big but it was still a nice looking size. I came over to where she was curious. She took my hand and placed it on her stomach, that's when I felt it. The baby was kicking. She was real, all this time she's been in there. It's shocking that all this time it felt fake until now.
I was going to have a baby.
Today me and Malik were playing his game at his house. It was raining hard so we couldn't go out and play basketball. "Fuck." Malik tossed down his controller after losing for the thirteenth time.
"You'll get better" I laughed while taking a sip of my soda. He cut his eye at me fueling my laughter making me choke on my soda then Malik was laughing at me.
"Karma is a bitch"
I threw him up a bird before picking up my phone that was running rapidly. I picked it up on the third ring. "Jesus Jovian, what does it take for you to pick these days!" Liz practically screamed, Malik looked at me with a raised eyebrow. "God I'm in labor! Get down here now" She full on growled at me before hanging up.
I stood up abruptly but was frozen, why couldn't I move? "Liz is in labor" I sat back down before standing up. Malik patted me on the shoulder excited "I'll get my keys"
The whole time to the hospital he was trying to get me in my right mind. I don't know why I feel frozen.
"Look, you'll be a great father there's nothing to worry about. I know you bro you put family first no matter what." Malik took a minute to glance at me "Hell I thought I'd be the one to knock up a chick first. But look at us now" Malik tried to lighten the mood as my knee couldn't stop bouncing up and down.
When he pulled up to the hospital he let me out at the entrance "go be there for Liz. I'll pull around the corner" he said before driving off. I practically ran up to her hospital room. When I got there she was crying hysterically and yelling out "Glad you're here" Her dad Mr. Johan said. He moved out of the room stopping before passing me "We second doubted you. Thank you for being there for her" He said before leaving the room.
I held Liz's hand through the painful process. When the baby was out the room fell silent. Pen drop silence. "Why isn't she crying?" I whispered. I didn't know anything about babies but I know when they come out they are supposed to cry. The nurses took her and rushed her to a different room. Liz was crying hysterically, I held her hand and tried to calm her down. We can't assume anything yet .
"It was too early" Liz sobbed. I looked at her confused, "I was 2 months early." Premature.
That's when tears fell from my eyes. I couldn't lose this baby not now. A little while later a nurse came in. With our baby, my heart skipped a beat when I saw the machines she was hooked too. When I saw how small and fragile she looked "It was too early, her body wasn't fully developed to function on its own. We managed to save her but we don't know how long it will last." The nurse let Liz hold her. I watched as my baby fought for every breath. Her small hands reached to touch Liz's face. Her big hazel eyes wandered around. Liz looked up "you should hold her '' I was afraid.
I slowly took her from Liz and held her in my arms. I sat in the chair and held her. I watched her every movement as she watched my every movement. I saw her deep dimples that resembled mine. "Hayley Jamie johan. Weird name" I chuckled through my tears. I watched as she smiled slightly at me. Her eyes slowly started to close. She was slowly drifting from my arms. I brought her closer to me and kissed her cheek. Then the nurse came and took her from me.
She was gone.
♧
I left the hospital in tears, angry. I watched as she slowly died in my arms. Her lifeless body in my arms. As she fought for every single breath. The tiny smile she gave me. They said she could've lived but she just wasn't ready.
I sat outside the hospital. I stared as the rain fell. That was it. "Jovian" I saw my mom standing in the rain in front of me. I didn't wait a second later before running up and hugging her. "I'm so sorry." I cried on her shoulder like I never cried before. "She's in a better place now. She isn't hurting anymore she's safe" she whispered gently to me which made me cry even harder.
I've lost her.
I remember going on telling my ma how excited I was for the baby after I felt her first kick. I remember finding four Hayley was a girl and I was happy.
"Jo- I just heard" Malik came around the corner, his eyes rimmed red like he's been crying. Ma slowly released me and I straightened up. I just wanted to go home and go to my room.
And for days I stayed in my room. I slept so I didn't feel anything. One day Malik visited me. "How are you doing Jo?" He sat on one of my chairs and picked up my basketball tossing it up in the air. I slouched down more in my bed.
"I don't know. "
Malik looked at me like he could see right through me "Liz moved away. She tried to um- she took it really hard and she tried to kill herself. Her parents had to send her away to live with her aunt. She wanted me to give you this" Malik walked up to the bed and gave me an envelope then went back to his seat.
I opened the envelope. A couple of pictures fell out and a letter. The picture was a ultra sound. The second one was me hold Hayley tears started to form in my eyes I picked up the letter, reaching for my glasses on my bed stand.
Dear Jovian, My first love.
My parents are sending me away and I wanted you to know I'm grateful for you. And everything you've done for me. The days we've sat in your room watching chick-flicks because my parents were arguing. Or the days you've walked me to school, or stood up for me at school. The times you've made me laugh at my lowest. I saw the way you looked at Hayley with pure love. And I hope you get that again. I want you to be happy. I know you're probably thinking of some master plan to save me. But it's too late, I need to heal alone. Jo you can't save everyone. You've done enough for me and I will forever love you. See you in another lifetime.
Xoxo- Your Liz.
A box of tissues were tossed at me. I looked up at Malik. "You can't save her. So save yourself from self destruction. Come down to the store with me." Malik said getting up and leaving my room.
In another lifetime.
♧
I was out of high school and lost. I accepted a scholarship that Malik, Ansel and I got. We started next fall. "Jovian. Focus" Malik tossed the ball to me. I caught it.
"It's been awhile" I ran a hand down my face. "I'm trying but it's hard." I sat down on the pavement.
"Nah. Get up bro. I get it's been hard on you but you gotta put in work for your career. Okay? Don't make me call Franklin" Malik had a look on his face. He knew I was avoiding Franklin calls because he'll tell me the same thing. I mumbled a fine before getting up and playing a couple games.
I was focused but not focused. A part of me felt nothing and that threw me off balance.
"Either you let me win or you're really bad." He dribbled the ball. "I'm assuming you let me win"
I shrugged, "I don't know man." Then I heard Ansel skipping down the steps. He was extra preppy these days. But when he found out about Hayley's death he was crushed.
"I heard the ball. So I had to come out" he easily took the ball from Malik.
"Of course you come when you hear balls." Malik took the ball back as he started dribbling it around Ansel and tried to take it from him.
"I heard there was a party at Jays tonight. I say we go, let loose before getting serious" Malik offered, mostly looking at me for an answer.
"I'm down" I needed something to take my mind off of everything, this would help me .
The party was kinda small compared to what we usually did. I didn't have the energy to do any of it. My whole left arm was hurting the entire time. I recently got a couple tattoos. One of Hayley's name, another one of the exact time she passed 2:22 am. Then some inspiration quotes my mom always told me.
"Hey Jo!" Nick came to me and dapped me up. Nick was someone on the basketball team. He was cool people.
"Sup. How you been?"
"Good. Look. We gotta talk" He looked around before leading me to this room. There was a red light blinding me in the room.
"So what's up?" I asked, sitting on the couch across from him.
"I notice you've been tense, and a little off your game at practice. I have a little something to fix that." he waved around a small ziplock with powder in it. "It'll make you feel happy and a zap of adrenaline.
"Drugs? Come on man you know I don't roll like dat" I leaned back on the couch.
"Look man. I know you're hurting right now. This will get rid of that hollow in your heart, it'll make you feel better." I reluctantly took the ziplock bag and stuffed it in my bag. I needed something to help me feel better and if this made it better than I'll do it. "We need to win this season"
"You do know how to do this right?" He asked me and I shook my head. Why would I know how to do drugs?
"You get a credit card, cut lines then get something like a straw or something and take the line. Then take the credit card and put it back in the bag, got it?"
"Yea thanks man" I then left the room. I had a couple drinks tonight. Nothing too extreme. But I just came for the drinks.
Later on that night when I got home. I tried it, it wasn't bad. But Nick was right, it gives you a sense of adrenaline. I laid down on my bed looking up at the ceiling. The rush made me feel as if I could do anything. For the first time in a while I felt normal inside. Not sad, not empty. But normal.
After this, I couldn't stop. It became an everyday thing. Then one day I tried to stop. That day I felt completely dead inside. I felt more anxious. So I couldn't stop. I needed more. I went to Nick's house and got more. And it slowly became an everyday thing.
I relied on this drug to make me happy, to make me feel something else but alone. When I got home late from work I went to my room and turned on the lights. I almost jumped out of my skin seeing Mailk sit on my bed with the bag in his hand. "You're a fucking idiot" He laughed sarcastically not looking at me. "I came here for the basketball pump. Then there it was hidden in all glory. Jovian you got a good one minute to explain before I beat your ass" Malik clenched his jaw.
"There's nothing to explain." I tossed my hat on my nearest chair.
"This will kill you" He held the bag tight in his hand as he stood up.
"Malik calm down. It's fine. I'm not doing it everyday, just sometimes for relief."
He threw it down "a relief for what? Jovian, did you not learn anything from me? These. Get you in jail or dead. Especially for us, you already know how hard it is for us already, we gotta be better. We gotta prove ourselves. Jovian promised me you'll stop. Liz will fucking snap if she knew you took this path. Find another coping method. Hell a shrink could help you more than these will."
"Ok I'll stop. Just chill out" I rubbed my temples feeling a headache coming along. Malik left without another word. The true disappointment on his face told me I really messed up.
Weeks without it was hard, I was short tempered and felt like a zombie the entire time. "Jo. Come on lighten up" Ansel nudged me.
"I said fuck off" I threw the basketball at him. He couldn't understand wanting to be left alone. Then he finally left. I sat on the swing of my park and watched El run around. Ma made me take her to the park.
"No way to talk to Ansel. You know he's sensitive" Malik came and sat in the swing beside me.
"You can fuck off too" I dug in my pocket and took out a cigarette and it was ripped from my hand.
"Jovian. This is not the road you want to go down on. Hell you're going to end up with hella diseases if you continue down the road of drugs, alcohol and smoking. Think about your moms and Ellie and hell me. We need you. You can't go around doing stupid shit and waiting magically to be cured. Feel your feelings and maybe just maybe you'll feel better." Malik whispered quickly seeing El was right around the corner.
"You right" I mumbled.
♧
I've been clean for about a month now. We were about to start college soon. Which meant basketball. I've had a hard time but I've found a coping mechanism which was just me going on late night drivers and blasting old tunes. It helps my mind get in the right place.
Today we were moving into our dorm. It was me and Malik and Ansel. We had to put in extra money to try and get one together. Now me and Malik were driving down the local campus store to get some last minute things.
"Man, I'm proud of you. I know it's random and sappy but it's true. You were in a really bad place."
"Means a lot man" it did mean a lot actually.
Then I heard a siren behind us, I looked back to see a police "Aye pull over" I told Malik and he listened, pulling over the side road. Malik went ahead and got out his ID. "I wasn't speeding or anything" he told me as we waited for the officer to come up to the car. When he did I automatically knew this was about to be a problem. "License and registration." Malik handed him the strings he asked for.
"What was I doing?" Malik asked curiously. Curiosity did kill the cat.
"I'm going to need you to remain silent and step out of your vehicle with your hands behind your head" I looked at Malik. I could see it on his face. He was scared. I've never seen Malik scared. He was always brave no matter what.
He obeyed and the officer placed his hands in handcuffs "What'd I do?" Malik asked again this time the fear was visible in his voice.
"Your license plate is expired." Huh?
He searched Malik pockets, he felt something "He got something!" He yelled out to his partner. Everything happened in slow motion. All I remember is Malik yelling out. And the gunshots. I got out of the car running over to the scene. Malik on the floor holding his chest.
"It was a pen," the police officer whispered. Tears fell from my eyes as I crouched down to his level holding him in my arms.
"Malik. No, no, no Malik come on man" I watched as he tried to get his mouth to move "I love you man" He whispered his eyes dropping slowly.
"No no please don't leave me! No. We still gotta go to our dorm and live out our dreams. Malik you can't leave me not yet" tears fell from my eyes as I tried to stop the bleeding. I looked up at the police officer who was still shaking.
"A pen! He had a pen to sign his mom's birthday card. A pen! He was innocent he didn't do anything" I sobbed out "he didn't do anything"
Another body dead in my arms.
I couldn't go to my dorm, or nowhere. Malik didn't make it to the hospital. He died on the scene. Like always the police was let off work with pay. Malik was the only person who understood me.
"Jovian-" mom sat next to me on the couch. But I quickly got up and walked out to my room. I need a minute alone. I looked at my hands still shaking and covered in blood. I picked up my lamp and threw it against the wall. I was angry, I was hurt, and I needed something. I watched as the lamp shattered into a million pieces.
My phone started ringing rapidly. I looked at it and it was Franklin.
"You got a flight next Wednesday. The Archers signed you on." I hung up my phone and threw it at the wall. It was supposed to be me and him.
I can't live this dream without him. It's his. He was the one who would help me with my homework, he helped me dunk my first basket. He was there.
Then I relapsed again.
"He would want you to do this. He's so proud of you." Ma hugged me. "Live this dream for him."
"I will ma. I'll visit"
Then I met the De'Capis
*
I woke up with a pounding headache in the morning. Yesterday was the day my daughter died. Reality hit me, everything that happened hit me. I've lost more than I thought I did. But I made it, for all of them.
A/n
What y'all think of jovian villain origin story?