Weeks go by. Weeks sitting in this foreign land that's been invaded by other creatures and things. Every night I curl up in Clay's arms wondering if I'll even wake the next morning. But there's no way in hell I've made it this far, my timer now reading less than a week, for it all just to end. I must have a happy ending. The government can't just end it all now.
They must have other plans in store for us. That's if they can even see us to begin with. I'm sure word's gotten around that we are out on the run. People have to still be looking for us. Especially after Tubbo's warning call. I'm sure they know where we've headed. The government knows everything there is to know about the living. They know the bonds that have been formed. They have to know Clay and I have left to find Nick and George. It's the only logical thing for us to do. That's unless our insiders are throwing them off our trail.
Maybe Will has always been right. I have someone so high up that they will lead them off my scent just so I am happy. I wish I knew who it was. If it is them at all. I want to thank them for giving me the opportunity to find myself. Find myself in a world without the wrath of the government.
"Lost in thoughts like always. Ignoring everything that leaves my mouth. You being my soulmate has to be the worst thing to ever happen to me." Clay grumbles as he places a lump of bread into his mouth.
I want to comment on how I gave him the option to have George but it's not worth the argument that will ensue. We've had it too many times to hash it out again. He will only throw the idea in my face that I'm only saying the things I'm saying because I want Nick. He will forever be jealous of the idea of the two of us. Even if I tell him I will always pick him. He will never believe my words. He will always doubt my truths.
"I'm sorry, good sir. I was just picturing you naked, can you fault me?" I put on a fake accent as I speak. A smile perking just slightly to the corners of my mouth.
"I do that constantly but I still listen." Clay raises his brows as he eyes me up and down. Touché. But I have a comeback awaiting his words already.
"So egotistical. Always thinking about yourself. Can't you ever just picture the girl you're supposed to love naked?" Clay's mouth drops. He's shocked I'd even say such things. His mind is always thinking about me. It's never about himself.
"I don't even have words for you right now Hya." Clay shakes his head as he rises to his feet. "I don't even want to look at you." He turns his back to me but he forgets that his mind speaks for him.
My body is shining a bright green. I'm on his mind. "So you don't want to gaze at my naked breast right now?" I pull my shirt up and over my head, draping the fabric over his shoulder.
My skin heats as the thought rolls through his mind. If he wasn't thinking about it before, he was definitely thinking about it now. Poor boy is about to lose it.
"No." He stutters out. The word is so forced it makes me giggle. He's so bad at lying. He always has been. But no one is worse than me. I have always been like glass, transparent and easy to see through.
"Oh right. I'm sorry. I'll just touch them myself then." I step closer to Clay until my body is pressed against his back. "Or maybe I'll just— oh I don't know, look for a better soulmate. I still have a few days left." I tease.
Clay spins fast, his eyes instantly latching to my bare body. My skin immediately flushes a bright shade of red as embarrassment takes over. I still get shy when he sees me. Every part of me goes clammy.
"Fuck off." Clay mutters as he locks his index finger under my chin. "It's very abundantly clear that you're my shitty soulmate. Let me have my cake and eat it too. Will you?" Clay's eyes narrow as he speaks.
"You're already so sick of me. How could you ever want to spend your whole life with me? Trapped? Forever?" I soften my appearance. The teasing tone leaving my voice completely.
"Because we're saving the world together. And even if you're the most annoying shit I've ever met, I'd still rather do it with you than anyone else." Clay closes the gap between our faces and hovers his lips eerily close to mine. I can feel the heat of his breath rolling off onto my skin.
"I'm pretty sure you would have rather picked her..." I trail off as I look away, distancing our lips, "or George." I finish.
"Hyacinth." Clay's tone is endearing as he tries to get me to look back at him. But I fight off his attempts for my attention. "Hya, stop. Please." I continue to ignore him, only upsetting him more. "I'm so sick of this. I've picked you!" He yells.
"Because you've had to. This is why we will never be like our mentors or our friends." I step back from Clay. "Jealousy runs too deep in us for us to ever be like them. Our soulmate bond has been broken because we stepped out past the fences. Maybe we were supposed to be soulmates, but we won't ever truly be them. Not now."
I take a deep breath as I turn to walk away from Clay. After taking a few steps I look over my shoulder. "I love you truly, and deeply. I really do. And I know you love me truly, and deeply. But maybe it's best we go against the one thing we've been fighting against this entire time. Maybe we don't accept that we are soulmates because that would be us giving into the government. Giving into their ways. Maybe we are better off left soulmateless."
I take another breath and walk off into the thicket of dense forest for a little bit of an escape. We all need a little space. And I haven't gotten much of it. Not since the encounter in the middle of the night. I've feared being alone. I've feared so much. And every part of me wishes I could go back to having no fears. Because having fears was suffocating. Having fears made life unbearable sometimes. It wasn't an enjoyable thing. I guess that's why the government decides to strip us of emotions. It was all just easier that way.
The further I get into the forest the more my skin begins to glow. I know that means Clay wants me to return but I don't want to hear his words right now. There are too many words he's waiting to spew. He'll only try and fix it all with a kiss. And I'm tired of fixing things with kisses. Kisses don't fix our problems. They just mend the pain for a little while.
The problem with everything is I didn't even know where to begin to fix our problems. It's like a disease has been rooted so deeply into our bones that no amount of change will fix us. We had formed so many cracks that no glue or tape could put us back together. Even if we tried we would never be the same.
***
"I've had these emotions for a very long time. Way before you showed up. I've numbed the pain, or at least put on a front that I was numb. But it isn't truth or real. Jealousy has always run deep. It comes with the knowledge Callahan gave me. I learned what emotions were and how to feel them. Callahan never wanted me to be like most. He never wanted to have a mentee that was a robot. It's why he shared everything with me." Clay's voice breaks as he speaks.
"When I lost her to the unspoken about land. I felt my heart physically tear into two. Most people don't feel a pain like that. They can be sad but they don't feel physical pain over losing a potential. They don't feel that pain because their soulmate is still out there. They will still find the one. But I could never wrap my head around this idea that people could move on. Like you put every fiber of your being into a person and then they're gone and you're just okay? How? I've never been able to understand that." Clay continues on with one of his never ending monologues but instead of getting lost in my own thoughts, I listen.
"I had pain. Emotions and feelings existed. But I never felt jealous. That was until I saw you with Nick. I knew Nick was supposed to be with George but there he was trying to win you over. It was like he was taking two people for himself. That wasn't fair. To me, to George, to you, to anyone really. But that's how this all works. We try until we find the one. But I knew the one for everyone. Everyone except you." Clay's glances at me for the first time since starting his monologue. But his eyes don't look for long.
"Didn't you ever question why I was different?" I reach out and place my hands on his but he slides his out shortly afterward.
"Every single day I asked myself why I couldn't see your soulmate. I asked myself why you made the world go silent. And I did think well maybe because she's the one. But I couldn't even fathom the idea that you somehow were my soulmate. You were so aggravating. You made me want to pull my hair out. And you still are. And you still do. But you also bring such a peace to the world. Even with all your chaos."
Clay sighs and his eyes focus off at something in the distance. I can't help but stare at his features. I watch the way his eye twitches when he focuses on one object for too long. I notice the little beads of sweat that dribble down the side of his head in this heat. I trace lines with my eyes between every beauty mark that is ingrained into his skin. I pinpoint and make note of every indent on the surface of his face and every wrinkle that forms when he smiles. He is captivating. And always has been. He has a pull that is worse than a magnet. It's always there, always forcing me to be a part of whoever he may be. Whoever he wants to be. Wants me to be.
"I don't know what to do with us Hyacinth. I don't know if we fight it or hold onto it. I just can't see a world in which you don't exist every day. I said it once, twice, and maybe even a hundred times at this point, and I will probably say it a hundred more times, but you are my Hyacinth. You are not Nick's. You are not George's. You are not Tommy's or Ranboo's. You are not Q or Karl's. You are no one else's but mine. The decision was made years ago. I am willing to put in the work to start this new life with you as long as you are willing to do the same. If not, you might as well run back to the commune and look for someone else to love. But you won't find a soulmate there. Because I'm here."
"I know what to do." I respond simply. I look at Clay. I focus harder than I ever have. I stare at him sincerely and wholeheartedly. He doesn't look at me though. He's vulnerable in a world, a life, he hasn't been vulnerable in— in a very long time.
"Hey..." I grab his hand and shake it. I want his attention. I want him to look at me and focus. He looks slowly at me, taking his time. His face is painted in worry. His palms sweat against mine. He's faltering. "Breathe will you."
I smile at him and take a deep breath, hoping he follows. Thankfully, he does. He breathes in and slowly blows out the weight he's holding on his shoulders.
"We hold on. We are meant to be. It's why your number reads the same as mine. You make me happy." I pause. "Okay, well I don't know about happy because sometimes you are so ungodly unbearable. And sometimes I want to slam your head off a tree. But you make life exciting. You keep me on my toes. Your banter, even though it's infuriating, I hate to admit it, but it makes me feel... loved."
The world around me goes quiet. Humming and buzzing fills my ears. My face goes hot. My body goes numb. And as I look at Clay as these feelings overwhelm me. A smile perks to his lips and the worry disappears almost instantaneously.