TW: descriptive panic attack,
quick mention of blood
HARRY P.O.V
I freaking the fuck out right now. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, and I hate not knowing.
Arlo is shaking, her breathing is extremely jagged and uneven, her eyes are distant, as if she's not here with me right now.
I haven't left the parking lot of Lush yet, I'm too frazzled myself to do anything. It's like I'm frozen in place, trying to get my body to catch up with my mind.
I don't even know what the fuck happened back there. One minute, Arlo and I were having a good time, dancing with each other, the next, Arlo was on top of a girl, beating the living pulp out of her.
I, never in a million years thought Arlo had that much fucking power in her. She might be tiny, but she knows how to fight, especially when she's mad.
I don't like her mad. I don't like when her face is stuck in a glare, I don't like when her hands are curled into fists, I don't like when her chest is heaving up and down, I don't like when she's angry. She doesn't deserve to be mad.
She deserves smiles, laughs, joy, happiness. Back there, Arlo was anything but that.
I should have helped quicker. I shouldn't have stayed frozen in place watching the violence unfold. If I didn't, then some random people she doesn't know wouldn't have touched her, they wouldn't have yelled at her, and she would have felt safe.
I could see that the moment some guys from the crowd came rushing over, attempting to pull her off of the other girl, her fight or flight kicked in. I could see that she felt like she was in danger, like she had to fight for her life.
Only then, did I snap out of my trance, and rush over to help her. Seeing her in full panic mode scared me, pained me even.
It was as if all my senses clicked, and I could finally react to what was happening to her before my eyes. I couldn't even tell you what happened. It's like everything happened in flashes. One flash, I'm watching Arlo freak out, the next flash, I'm hauling Arlo into my chest, and holding onto her for dear life.
I hate that I didn't react faster, I really fucking hate myself for that.
"C-can you please leave, I want to go." Arlo croaks out, her voice cracking from tension. I snap my head towards her. She is looking blankly out in front of her, trying to control her breathing.
"Fuck, shit, yeah, I'm sorry." I panic, quickly throwing my car into reverse, backing out of my parking spot.
I've never been happier for driving to a party in my life. Usually I don't drive because I always plan on getting fucked up, but tonight I made sure I drove, so that I could leave when I wanted to.
I reach my right hand out to blindly grab hers. Once my hand finds hers, she grabs onto mine tightly, for dear life.
Her hands are shaking the slightest bit, which breaks me. I want to know so badly what is going through her head right now.
I know it can't be anything good, but if she would let me, I would sit here, and let her pour her heart out to me.
I've heard that talking about hard shit with someone you trust can be relieving, but I wouldn't know, since I still haven't told her about what has been haunting me for the past five years.
Arlo and I never talk about deep shit now that I think about it, but at the same time, now thinking about it, maybe we do.
I mean the first time we went to Arlo's lookout point, and we shared a joint, we briefly talked about something deep.
Have I not realized that Arlo and I do talk to each other about certain things that are heavier? It's not often, but when we do it's brief, but brief is something.
I move my gear stick into drive, and press in the gas pedal, accelerating forward.
Arlo's grip on my hand tightens as I exit the parking lot. I draw circles on the top of her hand with my thumb, to try and help soothe her shaking.
Using the buttons on my steering wheel, I turn up the music that is faintly playing through the speakers.
It's currently playing an Arctic Monkeys' song I was listening to when driving over here. I never really listened to their music until I met Arlo. I guess I was really missing her, so I played songs she listens to, so that there was a trace of her with me.
I've noticed how there are small bits of Arlo all around me 24/7.
Walking into my room, and seeing her things neatly scattered throughout makes me instantly smile. Her lingering smell of coconut is on my clothes, my bed, fuck even my car smells like her. She put an air freshener in my car, which is the same one she has in hers, and it smells like heaven.
Arlo is making her mark on every part of my life
"Lo." I whisper, making sure to be quiet to avoid startling her. My stomach sinks when she doesn't respond to me.
I approach a red light, coming to a stop. I take the opportunity to look at Arlo. She is staring straight ahead, but she doesn't seem present.
I glance down at her legs, both of them are rapidly bobbing up and down. I can hear her jagged breathing struggling to calm down.
"Lo." I try to gain her attention again, speaking louder this time, but like before, nothing...silence.
The light turns green, I let out a sigh of defeat as I lift my foot off of the break, and move it over the gas pedal.
I give her hand a reassuring squeeze, hoping that feeling me would help break her out of her trance, or at least make it known that I'm here for her.
I swallow the lump in my throat that's forming from feeling her hand start to shake harder in my hand.
I'm trying my best to distract my worrisome thoughts, but I'm finding that impossible to do.
"Lo, c-can you talk to me, lovebug." I attempt once again, desperate at this point for her just to mutter something. It could be shut up, and that would calm my nerves.
Silence
All I'm met with is silence.
I decide to stop trying, whatever is going through her head seems like something she needs to figure out alone.
It hurts that she isn't talking to me, but I have to understand that she isn't mad at me, nor does she owe me any explanation to what just happened, and what is happening with her.
I focus on the road, which is basically empty since it's late, and most people are either partying, or in bed by now.
I listen to the music, hoping if I do that, then maybe the thoughts circling my head will stop, but I'm a fool.
Anything that has to do with Arlo is on my mind no matter what. The good, the bad, the ugly, she is all I think about.
I feel stupid thinking back to the time when we hated each other. It may not have been that long ago, but it sure feels like it was.
How did I not realize back then, just how infatuated I was with her. If you hate someone, you would think that they wouldn't be on your mind because the pure thought of them makes you mad.
Yet, back then, she was still in my thoughts a lot more than I care to admit, but that's what happens when you choose to hate someone you have feelings for.
To my credit though, I had no clue I liked her the way I do now. Looking back now, I can finally see just how into her I was. I mean for fuck sakes, I skipped school to smoke with her because I needed to escape, but that was a lie.
I didn't know at the time it was, but that wasn't the reason I chased after her that day. It wasn't because of the shitty week I had, but it was because I simply wanted to be around her.
Arlo had me wrapped around her finger since the day at the summer send off party. It's weird how that day was the first time I ever talked to her, but it certainly wasn't the first time I saw her.
I remember the first time I had ever laid my eyes on the magnificent Arlo Steele. It was on my very first day at McAdams Middle School.
I was in the office with my mom finalizing my schedule. I hadn't seen a single other student when walking in.
I remember how I was practically shaking. Moving schools during the school year is nerve wracking, moving school in the middle of the school year in an entirely different country is next level.
I remember I was glancing around the office analyzing every little detail to keep myself distracted. I can recall the door to the office swinging open, and a short girl, with long brown hair walked in.
She caught my attention quickly. She was the first student I saw. She was wearing a pair of leggings and a pullover that day.
She looked upset, like she was mad, which isn't all that surprising now, but back then I was shocked. I, at the time, was so dumbfounded because the girls who went to my old primary school were never like that.
They were worried about their appearance, and the way people perceived them. Seeing someone who didn't care if she didn't look anything, but happy was new, and it drew me in.
I desperately wanted to see her face. The first American, who was my age, was standing near me, but didn't once glance in my direction.
I watched her sit on a couch, slumping down into the seat. Her hoodie was over her head, and I'm pretty sure that was not allowed, but no one said anything to her.
Her hands sat crossed in her lap, her head hung low, staring at the ground. I shamelessly stared at her, hoping she would turn her head in my direction.
I tuned out whatever was being converse between my mother, and the front desk lady, only keeping my focus on her.
I glanced around the room trying not to be obvious about my staring at her. I looked at a picture, then back at her. I looked at a calendar, then back at her. I looked at the floor, then back at her.
No matter how many times I landed my eyes on hers, she never once glanced up at me. Instead, she kept her head hung low, not wavering from looking at the ground.
It wasn't until a younger lady called my name, that I finally saw her.
The first thing I noticed were her eyes. They were big, and almost innocent, like doe eyes. The next thing I noticed was how they were a deep rich brown color like chocolate.
Chocolate doe eyes
Pretty the one word that came to mind the minute I fully took in her features. Her lips, her cheeks, her beauty marks scattered across her face, her nose, her eyelashes, her face structure, everything about her was pretty, she was pretty.
Our eyes were locked on each other for what felt like forever. I can remember how quiet the world went. That was the first time I ever experienced peace and quiet. The thoughts, the voice, gone.
I continued to stare directly into her eyes, and she held it with no problem. She didn't cower away, she didn't blush, and tuck a piece of hair behind her ears, as she looked down at the ground, she didn't give me a flirty look, she just stared right back at me.
Our eye contact never broke, even when an older lady came out of a secluded office and walked up to her. Not even when the person who called my name was leading me out of the office. My eyes were on her.
As I was nearing to exit, the lady standing next to her said a name that stuck with me, a name I would come to hear everyday years later, and a name that I would desire to say all the time.
Her name was the one, and only thing that would ever catch my attention when brought up.
When I walked out of the office, behind the lady who was showing me my classes, I couldn't help, but to repeat the name that would become my absolute favorite.
Arlo Steele
"H-H-Harry." Arlo heaves, snapping me out of my reminiscing thoughts. I whip my head towards her, being careful not to crash the car.
My eyes widen as I take in her panicked body. She's shaking harder than before. The thing that is scaring me the most is how I can physically see her trying to breathe.
Her chest pumps up and down rapidly. I can see the faint shutter every time she takes a breath. Some of her breaths are quick, and close together, others times she pauses completely, not taking breath for a couple of seconds.
"Lo, are you okay?" I say as calmly as possible, trying not to freak her out anymore.
Her bottom lip finds home in between her teeth. She frantically shakes her head, and for the first time since getting into the car she looks at me.
Her chocolate doe eyes are glossed over with an expression I can't decipher, but I know it's not good whatsoever.
She looks lost, almost frozen in time. Even though her body might be shaking, she is completely still.
I'm thankful that she is trying to communicate with me, but seeing her like this is killing me at the same time.
"Is there something you want me to do?" I make sure my tone is soft, and comforting.
"P-p-p-p." She tries to respond, but the uneven breaths she is taking is making it hard for her to do so.
I glance back out at the road, making sure I'm driving safely. Once I determine that I am good, I look back at Arlo.
She isn't looking at me, but rather looking at nothing. She zoned out, nowhere near this universe's reality.
"I know it's hard, but can you take a deep breath? Don't overexert yourself trying to do that, Lo." I stroke her palm a little bit hard, trying to get through to her.
I see her attempt to take a deep breath, but it doesn't work. I can already tell by the way her body is increasingly shaking, her choked breathing, and the haze in her eyes that she is about to have a panic attack.
I only know the signs because I've been through what she's going through too
In a quick decision, I lift my signal stick up. The right turn signal blinks, and I pull over to the side of the road.
Once I come to a full stop, I park the car, press my hazard button, unbuckle my seatbelt, and rush out the car.
I round the corner quickly, flinging Arlo's door open, undoing her seatbelt, and pulling her out of the car.
Arlo immediately drops to the ground. She presses her back against the side of my car, and tucks her legs into her chest.
She begins to rock back and forth, as tears well up in her eyes. I crouch down to her level, reaching my hand out cautiously, and gently, to massage her shoulders.
"Shut up, shut up, shut up." She mumbles under her breath.
I know she's not talking to me. Her eyes are pinched shut, and her head is ducked down, in between her legs.
I don't know who she's saying shut up to, and I don't know if that's something I want to be answered.
I'm not sure what to do. One of our interactions in the beginning of the school year, when we were at the beach, she had a panic attack. I simply wrapped my arms around her, and she seemed to calm down, but the state she's in right now is worse than the other one.
I don't think wrapping my arms around her is the best option, but that leaves me with nothing. I'm forced to watch her have a panic attack, feeling helpless.
Whenever I had mine, no one was ever there to comfort me, or to coax me out of it. I never went to therapy to learn strategies to help. I was on my own to suffer, and that felt really shitty.
I refuse to let Arlo suffer in the same way, but I don't know what to do.
"No, no, no, no."Arlo stutters, she begins to rock harder than before. One of her hands that were wrapped round her tucked legs moves up towards her hair.
Her fingers dig into her scalp, and she starts to pull at her root aggressively.
"Lo, hey listen to my voice, I'm here Arlo, I'm here." I continue to keep the same calm composer, but it's becoming more difficult, the worse her panic attack gets.
"Please no, no, no, no, no."She tugs at her roots, her face winces in pain, but she doesn't stop.
I notice that the hand that is still wrapped around her legs, is beginning to scratch at her skin. Angry red marks flare up, and a small trickle of blood moves down her leg.
I need to somehow get her out of her head. I try to think of ideas, but nothing comes to mind.
I grow frustrated with myself for not being able to help her. I makes me mad that I can't figure out what the fuck to do.
"I can't breathe, Harry I can't breathe." She whips her head up out from between her legs. Her face is covered in peril, and distress. "I-I can't breathe. It hurts."
"I know it seems that way, but you're talking, which means you're breathing Arlo. You are breathing, you are going to be okay, you are safe, I promise."
She begins to frantically shake her head. "I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't breathe." She repeats over, and over again.
I was wishing that my words would help, but she's too lost. I need to figure something else out.
All I know right now is that she needs a distraction, something else to focus on.
But, what to distract her with, is the question.
"Leave me alone, please, get out." She starts to cry, her hand that was tugging her hair moves to hit the side of her head.
I want to reach out and stop her, but I know that stopping someone's actions forcefully during a panic attack can cause more problems than solutions.
Out of nowhere, deep into my desperation, an idea pops into my head. I'm not sure if it will work, but it was worth a shot.
"Hey, Arlo." I call for her in an attempt to gain her attention. "I'm going to draw a word, letter by letter on your arm, and you are going to try to figure it out. Can you do that for me?" I ask.
Arlo, still shaking, and rocking back and forth, looks up at me. Her brows furrow, which is a good sign that I'm getting to her in some way.
Before, her face was completely stuck, her features were not moving one bit besides when she was talking.
"I-I don't think so, I can't stop." She stutters, spilling out cryptic words that only makes my wonder of what is going on with her stronger.
"Well let's give it a try okay." I look at her with a soft smile. She meekly nods her head, making my smile grow wider.
I start to trace the first letter on her skin. I go slow, pushing my finger into her arm, to ensure that she feels what I'm tracing.
"What's the first letter, Lo?" I ask after I finish tracing the first one.
"It's-" She pauses to inhale a shaky breath. "It's B."
I nod my head, leaning forward to kiss the top of her nose. "Good job, Lo, I'm going to trace the next one now."
I start to draw the next letter of the word into her skin, once I'm finished, I look at her again letting her know she can guess. "E."
"Yup." I pop my p, diving in to kiss the tip of her nose again. I can already see that her rocking is less intense, and the tremble in her body is starting to subside.
"A." She says once I'm done with the next letter. I hum a yes, kissing her nose again.
Her voice is stronger, her breathing has become more even. The pit in my stomach starts to uncoil seeing her improvements.
"C." She answers before I even fully finish the letter off.
"You're really good at this, Lo." I praise her. My whole world brightens as the corner of her lips lifts up into the smallest smile.
It's not much, but it's a huge improvement from earlier.
"H." She breathes out the last letter I traced on her skin. All the worries, and fear I had early, leaves my body from seeing her slowly recovering, returning back to my original state.
"What does that spell, lovebug?" I stroke her cheek, looking at her with all the adoration I can muster up.
"Beach." Her voice cracks, as fresh tears pull into her eyes. I furrow my brows, trying to understand why she's crying again.
Suddenly a bone crushing warmth encases my entire body. Arlo flings herself at me in a tight hug, arms wrapped around my neck, crying into my shoulder.
It takes me a second to register what she's doing, but when I do, I quickly wrap my arms around her mid back, pulling her closer to my body.
I bring a hand up to cradle the back of her head. She sobs harder, digging her nails into my neck.
"Lovebug, what's wrong?" I sit down on the ground, rocking her in my arms.
"T-t-thank you." She cries into my neck, snuggling closer to me. "I don't think I would have been okay if- if you didn't help me."
"Of course, Lo. I'll be here for you, always." I promise, kissing her temple, before nuzzling my nose into her hair.
"How can you be so sure that you'll always be here for me?" She asks between sobs. I can tell she is trying her best to contain her crying.
"Because, I'm never leaving your side." I state matter-of-factly. "I mean, it's not every moment of the day, but I'm practically attached to your hip already, and I don't plan on leaving."
Arlo lets out a choked chuckle, burrowing her head into my neck. I stroke her long strands of hair, twirling the ends around my finger before moving back up to the top.
"That's good because-" She pauses what she is saying to sniffle. "I don't plan on leaving your hip either."
I smile into her hair. My hand holding her back tightens. I lift my shoulder up so that Arlo has to take her face out of my neck, and look at me.
The image in front of me is gut wrenching. Her face is swollen red, tear streaks stain her face, her eyes are puffy and look tired, her eyes themselves are glossed over, and her hair is slightly mangled from her pulling on it.
She looks worn out, and I want to do all I can to help. I would do anything and everything to help if it comes to her.
I place both hands on the side of her face. I lean in, and plant a kiss right on her lip. Arlo sighs as her lips meet mine.
My eyes flutter closed as I swim in the comfort her lips always provide. The kiss isn't long, it's a single peck to the lips that we let linger for a couple of seconds.
As we part, I rest my forehead on hers. "I'm glad you're not, I wouldn't want it any other way."
She smiles, leaning in and pecking my cheek. I move my head to press deeper against her lips. I'm obsessed with the tingles I get when she kisses me.
"I'm sorry." Arlo looks down, almost embarrassed.
My face scrunches up in confusion. "Why are you apologizing?"
"Because," She lifts her eyes to meet mine. Her chocolate doe eyes burn into mine, "I fought some girl. I just lost it, and I ended up ruining your night."
I shake my head, grinning at her ridiculous words. "Arlo, you did not ruin my night at all." I grab both of her cheeks again, stroking each side with my thumb. "If anything, you made it better."
"But how?" Arlo pouts, I lift my thumb to smooth over the crease in her forehead. "I was the reason we had to leave the party early, I beat the living shit out of someone, you had to fucking help me with a panic attack. I ruined what was supposed to be a good night all because I couldn't control my anger."
"Arlo, stop." I say in a sharp tone, catching her full attention. "You did not ruin my night. I don't care if you are laughing, screaming, crying, fighting someone, having a panic attack, I don't care because just seeing, and being around you makes my whole day, and night."
"Do you really mean that?" She sounds insecure, like it's almost unbelievable that I simply like being around her.
"With everything inside of me." I stare at her, something takes over her features. In a blink of an eye, her lips are once again pressed against mine in a slow kiss.
This is probably the least intense kiss we've ever had. It's slow, and passionate. It's as if she is trying to tell me something without actually saying it.
It's a powerful force that chokes you in the best way possible. It's a kiss that speaks a thousand words at once, but nothing at the same time.
It's a kiss that has meaning, but also means nothing at the same time. It's unexplainable, almost supernatural.
Her lips part, as mine do, not once do either of us try and slip a tongue into the other's mouth. This isn't the type of kiss that's meant to be sloppy, and lust filled.
This kiss is meant to be a confession. What she is confessing, I don't know, but what I do know is that I want to feel this all the time now.
I always thought that kissing like this was gross, but having my lips locked with hers moving in the way we are, makes me realize this is anything, but gross.
If I were to drop dead right now, I would die a very happy man. This is something that is going to be engraved in my mind forever. This is a core memory I'm going to look back on when I'm old, and smile.
Once we both run out of breath, we break apart. My mouth is hung slightly opened, allowing air back into my lungs.
"Whoa." I slur, feeling drunk off of the kiss. "That was...that was-"
"Yeah." She agrees before I can even finish my sentence, understanding what it is I was trying to say.
We both randomly break out, laughing. Our foreheads collide together, which only makes our laughing worse. Arlo is rubbing her forehead as she throws her head back to laugh even harder.
She hasn't laughed this hard since the day I took her to the town near the beach, and we went to the park.
I thought back then the sound was heavenly, but the way she is laughing so hard to the point that she is clutching her belly is even more heavenly. It's universal, in every dimension, every star, every cloud, every particle in the sky.
Her laugh can make an angel smile, fuck, maybe she's an angel herself. There's no doubt she was crafted delicately in the hand of God. He took his time with her, that's for sure.
Her laugh is so infectious that she is making my own grow stronger. I haven't laughed like this in a very long time.
I haven't laughed so hard that my throat burns, my stomach feels cramped, my air feels like it's running out, my cheeks hurt, tears prick the corner of my eyes, and my whole body is hunched over in pain.
These are the best kind of laughs
"Fuck, I can't breathe." I gasp between laughs. I'm failing miserably at regulating my laughter. Arlo is struggling too, any time she attempts to stop, she ends up choking on another laugh, and falling back into a laughing fit.
"Me...either." She wheezes, wiping under her eyes to remove the stray tears that fell on her cheeks.
Slowly, we both start to calm down from our laughing fits. Arlo ends up turning around, and laying her back against my chest, resting her head on my shoulder.
I forgot that we were on the side of the road, we should probably leave, but the position we are in right now is too comfortable.
The cross necklace she always has on catches my eyes, my hand mindlessly reaches down to grab a hold of the pendant.
It's solid silver, nothing about it is intricate or eye-catching. It's simple and plain which really works for her.
"Why did you get this?" I ask while playing with the pendant in my hand. "It's pretty."
"Oh, I got it one day when I was shopping around on that street with all the little shops. You know the ones that only open up on the weekend?" She responds.
I knew exactly what she was talking about. There was this street closer to the end of town where a bunch of small businesses set up booths to promote their items and business.
I personally haven't gone at all, but I've heard cool things about it. People say there are a lot of interesting items to look at and buy.
"What made you choose a cross necklace? Are you religious or something?" I continue to question her.
"Not really, it's kind of a weird story on how I got it." She smiled sheepishly. I don't say anything, which she takes as a hint to keep on explaining. "Basically I was having an especially rough day. I decided to bike over to the shopping center since at the time I was too young to drive."
She pauses for a second looking down at the necklace in my hand. "I was roaming around booth to booth, looking at stuff, until I stumbled across this booth that was selling jewelry."
I nod my head, resting my chin on top of her head. Arlo leans back, molding her body further into mine.
"I started looking at all the jewelry. It all looked hand-made, there was a ring, and an anklet I ended up picking out to purchase. There was an old lady working the booth. She didn't bother me too much while I was looking at the pieces, but I could feel her staring at me. When I went to pay, she looked at me, before turning around to grab something. When she turned around, in her hand was the cross necklace."
"Why did she grab it?" I ask.
"When she was handing it to me, at first I shook my head. I didn't bring that much money with me, and only had enough for the two pieces I picked out. She reached for my palm, and placed the necklace inside. She told me that she wanted to give it to me. When I asked her why, she simply told me that she felt like I needed it. She didn't know what for, but she said there was a pull telling her to give it to me."
"Really?" I said, shocked.
"Yeah, it's funny because that day was really bad, and her giving me the necklace made me feel better, almost safe. I thanked her, and she simply waved me off. I even remember her name, which is rare because I tend to forget a stranger's name that I only see once."
"What was her name?" I ask, intrigued, I like how she is telling me something about her. I like learning things when it comes to her.
"Candace, she was really sweet, and very welcoming. I remember going back the next weekend with more money to buy more things, but she wasn't there. I went a few more times after that, but I never saw her again."
I hum, "weird, maybe she left or something, but anyways, I think we should head back to my house, it's late, and we are still on the side of the road."
"Yeah, we probably should." Arlo gets up to stand, turning around to grab my hand, and helps pull me up.
I open the passenger side door for her, she gets in, and does up her seatbelt. I shut the door, and head over to my side, getting into the car once I reach it.
"Thank you again, H. I appreciate it."
I look over at her and smile. I lean forward pecking her lips, each of her cheeks, and finally the tip of her nose.
"Of course, Lo. I would do anything for you." She smiles at my words and kisses my cheek. I grin, putting my car into drive, and head back to my place.
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A/N: Hi, sorry the update took so long to get out, I'm approaching my finals week, so I haven't had time to write, but once it hits summer expect more frequent updates!
See you in the next one
-iz