AS A KID, YOU expect everyone around you to live forever. Death is just not a concept for you. Until one day, you go to greet your grandma but she's in a really deep sleep. Like really deep.
Grandma died. You saw your grandmas dead body and you don't find out until 6 years later when you're 13 and your mom finally explains what the fuck happened.
Except, with John B and Sarah, there's no fucking bodies. I sound like JB now, concocting.
It's been almost two months since the shipwreck and JJ and I have really good days mostly but the bad ones are terrible. You can see how broken he is without John B and I can remind him as many times as I want that he is not dead but he'll yell at me, saying to let them rest and that it's probably better for John B if he's dead. Then, he'll regret his words in the morning and feel like a shitty best friend and a shitty boyfriend and a shitty person.
Bailey, Piper and my siblings have been a big help. Even Zander when he drags us out of The Chateau for drinking. Bailey has basically become a part of the group with the occasional visit from Piper.
I'm barely home now, I'm scared to leave JJ alone at The Chateau.
I know they aren't dead. Staring at JJ as he burns John B's name into a tree, I almost want to yell at him to stop. JJ doesn't think they're dead either but he won't say that. I think it's easier for him to think they're dead rather than stranded on an island somewhere, slowly dying.
I stand on the porch, I didn't like this idea. I feel like it's putting into the world that they are dead or will die when my gut tells me they're not. "Imma go smoke, join me if you'd like," They do some toast I refuse to fully witness and grab the blunt JJ rolled for me.
Piper sits on the couch with a blunt and a bucket hat on. She did not have that earlier. "Why aren't you outside with literally everyone else?" I light the blunt in between my lips and inhale as I take a seat next to Piper. "I could ask you the same," She inhales from her blunt and smiles. "I'm not holding a memorial for people who aren't dead," I answer.
"You don't think they're dead?"
I scoff, "No, Blake doesn't either but he's out there, watching JJ kill a tree. I don't even think JJ thinks they're dead. It's just more comforting to know they aren't stranded somewhere." Smoke fills the air around us and I watch as it swirls up into the air.
Shit, what time is it? I squint at my phone screen, "I have to go see Wheezie soon." After Sarah left—I felt bad for Wheezie. It's not like Rafe is the star older sibling. "I admire that you can still look Ward in the eyes, Sam, I've never even had a direct problem with him and I can't do it."
I walk over to my sneakers and start to slip them on and chuckle at Piper, "I grew up with shitty men constantly around me. I can look them in the eye all day." The door opens and the rest of the crew walks in, including Zander hanging on Blake's arm. "Hey, where are you going?" Pope asks and points to my shoes. I suck on my teeth, "Gonna go check on Wheezie," I make eye contact with JJ and I can see the disappointment.
"You weren't even out there and now you're leaving'?" It's not that JJ is mad I check on Wheezie, he knows why. It's to make sure Ward doesn't hurt her and to make sure she is okay as she can be right now. I take the blunt from in between my fingers and place it in my mouth to get my hoodie on, "I will literally be back here later tonight."
"That's not the issue, you refused to even get close to the damn tree, babe! Even Blake and Vanessa did it!" Here we go, yelling at me for how I grieve for people who aren't even dead. I hit the blunt one more time and put it in the ashtray on the table next to me. I look towards Blake who just shrugs his shoulders and then Vanessa does the same.
"Can't make a memorial for people who aren't fucking dead, JJ," My eyes scan over everyone in the room. The deep inhales from Kie and Bailey. The shake of the head from Pope. It's an argument they've heard a million times in the last month but somehow, JJ looks astonished everytime it leaves my mouth.
"Why can't you just let like—rest or whatever dead people at sea do?"
"JJ," Kie warns. "Thanks for the support, babe. I'll see you later. Fix up your damn attitude if you don't wanna have a screaming match later." With that, I take one more look at JJ who runs his hands through his hair and I slam the door, put in my headphones and head for the cursed Cameron household. "Sam! Sam!" Piper's voice calls me and I turn. "What do you want, Piper?" I don't mean to snap but immediately realize I did when her face drops.
"I—I was just gonna ask if you want a ride?" She points to her dirt bike. It's a long walk to The Cameron's. Maybe I should get a ride from her.
"Yeah, I'll take the ride." We both walk over to her bike and when I look at the window on the side of the house, JJ is staring at me. Like I said, the good days are really bad but the terrible days fucking suck. It might not even be a bad day, we were fine before he burned John B's name into the tree. We had sex this morning so....
He turns away like a caught child when I swing my leg over the back of Piper's bike. I'll probably get a passive aggressive comment from him later about it—the ride. "You good?"
"Great, let's go." The bike sets off and away from JJ and to Wheezie.
The big house that once held my best friend feels like a prison each time I step into it.
Ward can't even say anything to me. All he does is act so fucking nice—acting like he didn't help Weston kill Big John. Like he didn't fucking take the gold from us. And Rafe, we've had so many screaming matches that Rose has had to stop.
Piper's bike comes to a stop and I unwrap my arms from around her. "I'll see you tomorrow at our shift?" I got a job at the hotel with JJ and Piper—she quit The Wreck for some reason. I just needed a distraction. "Yeah, thanks. I'll see you later or—tomorrow, I mean." She nods and sets off.
Knocking on the door and hoping it's Wheezie or Rose that answers the door each time is probably one of the most anxiety inducing things in the world.
If I'm lucky, it's Rose and she knows exactly why I'm here and just lets me in.
I'm looking at my shoes and the dirt on them. I really gotta clean them. The big JJ written in sharpie on top of my right foot makes me smile but then the door opens and it immediately drops when I see the dumbass blonde in front of me.
"Rafe."
"Sam."
There's tension in the air. Both our jaws clench waiting for the other to say something rude. I decide I'll be the first, "You gonna move or?"
"You here to bitch to me?"
"I'm here for Wheezie, like usual—because I care about her." Rafe moves to the side with an eye roll and I step into the house and go to the stairs to go to the youngest Cameron's room.
"I care about her." I stop halfway up the stairs and turn back to Rafe, "Then start fucking acting like it," I continue my way upstairs. "Hey—how's your head?" I stop and grip the railing. I get random headaches but as long as I don't hit it like that again, I'll be fine.
"Why the fuck do you care?" I spit at him. I watch as he pokes his cheek with his tongue, "Well, is your head like fucked up now, or?"
I let out a laugh, "You mean like yours? I'm fine, Rafe," I don't let him get another word in and walk to Wheezie's room.
Wheezie has no idea how to deal with her grief, I told her to start writing in a little diary or something because it helped me as a kid. I carefully open her bedroom door and I see her writing in the journal I gave her.
"Hey, Wheez," Everytime I see her I can't help the heart ache I feel but then I feel even worse because I don't want her to think I'm here because I pity her, I'm here because Sarah isn't and I've always cared about Wheezie.
"Hey, did Rafe answer the door? I'm sorry—"
"It's fine. He barely gave me shit. Wanna watch a movie?" She closes the journal and makes room for me next to her on her bed. "No more cheesy rom-coms!" Wheezie chuckles. "Wow, there were only two!"
"JJ? Where you at, babe?" By the time the movie ended, Wheezie had knocked the fuck out.
The main room's light is off and there's beer littered everywhere. We need to clean but everything feels harder than it really is right now. Each step is a possibility of a beer can being crushed. Fuck, I need the light. I can only see what the moon lights up. My hand slides up and down the wall and eventually I find the light switch and quickly turn it on.
"Thank God..." I whisper. Oh—JJ's asleep on the couch. Don't tell me he waited for me. Should I wake him up? He'll complain about his back tomorrow so I probably should.
God, there's so many beer cans.
"JJ," I lean down and shake him but he doesn't budge, "Baby, let's get to bed," I shake him harder and his snoring stops slightly but starts up again. For fucks sakes.
The pillow. I can hit him with the pillow. I grab the pillow on the floor and smack JJ in the face. "Ow! What the fuck!" JJ sits up in a panic but calms down when he sees me with the blue pillow in my hand. "Hey, sleepyhead. How's your back?"
"It was fine—actually," He crosses his arms and yawns. "Let's get you to a proper bed, hm?" I'm hoping his mood has changed with his nap and time away. "How's Wheezie?"
"Oh—now you—nevermind. She's fine. We watched a movie," I stop myself from making petty comments. "Did you at least look at the tree?" He groans as he gets up off the couch. "Don't start, JJ. I don't even wanna go outside now thanks to your art project."
He pokes his tongue with his cheek and laughs, "Art project...nice, babe. Why can't you accept that they're dead? Would you rather them be dyin' in the sun somewhere? No hope?!"
"Not doin' this. We were fine earlier. Stop it. Let's get to bed, we have work in the morning—"
"Not doin' this? Maybe you do need to go to therapy like your mom said!" I physically step back at his words. His face drops and he opens his arms and starts to walk towards me, "I'm sorry—"
"Yeah, you've been sayin' that a lot. You stay on the fucking couch. I'm going to bed," I walk away from JJ and slam the door shut. "Babe! Sam! I'm sorry!" He says on the other side of the door. I change and throw my clothes around angrily. Just because of everything that happened—doesn't mean he has a right to be a dick to me. I just want to help him and I know he wants to help me as well.
"Babe! Princess! Sunshine! Cinnamon—apple?" He hesitates on the last one and it makes me chuckle. Shit, I chuckled.
"I heard you laugh, can I come in now?" Fuck, I'm not letting him in but I'll at least open the door. I open it slightly, "What?"
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I've been sayin' shit out of pocket and I'm sorry. If only we both weren't so petty, huh?" He leans on the doorframe and a smirk forms on his face. "Us being petty is what makes us a good duo," I lean on the opposite side of the doorframe. JJ leans in closer to my face, "Makes you feel any better, we both need therapy."
"You're not wrong but how you said it was fucked up. You realize that, right?" JJ presses his lips together, "That's why I apologized. Did we just skip over that whole part?"
"No—yes—it was still fucked up."
"I'm," He leans down closer to my lips, "Sorry," His lips land on mine and for a split second I don't kiss back—out of pettiness. I roll my eyes and kiss his back and pull away, "Just get your ass in here before I regret it," I move away from the doorframe and let JJ in. He immediately flops onto the bed and I flop down next to him. "I shouldn't have called it an art project, I'm sorry."
The bed moves as JJ turns to face me but my eyes stay on the ceiling. "You were always the more creative one. Should've like—paid you to do it. It would've looked all cute and shit," He starts playing with my hair.
"I don't think I would've let you commission me for John B's memorial," As fucked as it is, we both giggle. "Alright, let's get our asses to bed. We got privileged Kooks to serve tomorrow. Might just accidentally spill a hot coffee pot on Topper," JJ wraps his arms around my waist and I move down to make myself more comfortable. "What happens if we start calling him Bottomer?" JJ suddenly busts out into laughter and pulls me tighter. "You're the bottom here, babe."
I gasp, "You wanna test that theory out?" JJ's ocean eyes look up at me from my chest,"Hmmm...tomorrow. You fucking hit me with a pillow and interrupted my beauty sleep."
"Yeah, you need some more," I close my eyes but keep one open and see JJ with his jaw dropped. "Ma'am, I am one of the most beautiful boys on this here island!"
"Uh huh, goodnight, babe."
"Goodnight, princess."