You hand is wrapped around Buckys arm while walking down to a small cabin in the woods. You're so afraid this might not work, that you have to live with voices inside your head for the rest of your life. Your mind was already a loud place, the last thing you needed was more echoes banging inside.
"Did it hurt?" You ask hesitantly, scared he might actually tell you the truth. He doesn't have too, you can already hear his thoughts loud and clear.
"It does, but it's not the things she does that hurts" he explains. "It's the things it brings up." He adds.
"What do you mean?" You ask
"Even though I don't turn into the winter soldier anymore. Every time I hear those words... Everytine I hear the word hydra I remember every last thing I ever did, you're lucky y/n" he says sadly. "You had someone come rescue you a lot faster than I did, I have a lot of peoples death on my shoulders. And the only way to forget that, is by accepting the fact it happened"
"I'm so sorry Buck... I wish we could have saved you" you sigh.
"You have saved me"
"How?"
"You forgave me, that's all the saving I need" he smiles.
As you reach the small cabin, Ayo is waiting by a small fireplace. She reaches out her hand, you hesitate for a second looking at Bucky he gives you a reassuring nod. Then you take her hand and sits down beside her.
"I have to make a phone call, I'll be back." He says kindly. "You've got this y/n, you're so much stronger than I was" then he walks off.
—
"Stark can you hear me?"
"Where the hell is my sister Barnes, what have you done to her" stark yells through the phone.
"I did what needed to be done, i did what everyone else couldn't. You should really be there."
"You really think that's such a good idea?"
"Stark please, I know you don't trust me.. But she's gonna be a wreck once she's done here. She'll need to see that you've forgiven her"
"Trust you? If I didn't trust you i wouldn't have let you anywhere near her, she's my only family"
"Please come, for y/n"
"I'll be there within an hour, and Barnes?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't let her out of sight"
"I wouldn't dream of anything else"
Bucky hangs up and turns around, all he wants to do is hug you. Reassure you everything is gonna be fine. But you have to do this alone.
—
"What if it doesn't work" you sigh.. "I could kill someone.. I could kill you"
"I won't let you hurt anyone, I know you won't" Ayo gets up from the bench.
There's a moment where everything is completely silent. And then the nightmare begins.
"Желание."
"I ehm" you stutter, there's a loud ringing in your head.
"Ржавый."
"It's not working" you mumble. Your body is flinching, everything just hurts. Your vision is getting blurry, thoughts racing against your heartbeat.
"Семнадцать."
Everything goes black.
"Рассвет."
Then you're right there, it's like you never even left. The cold metal keeping you in place. Start over. The endless shockwaves running through your body. The endless isolation. Days on end being locked up in a cell scratching your skin just to feel something. Counting the days till someone finds you. Only to discover it's not you they're gonna find.
"Печь"
The same endless routines of testing, and killing just to prepare you for the day you'll have to kill your own family. The nightmares coming back to hunt you each and every night. Start over. The shockwaves hitting you again until it doesn't hurt anymore. Nothing hurts anymore. Nothing. You're just nothing.
"Девять."
The avengers pinned against the wall screaming out in pain for you to stop. The gun aimed against Tony. Fear. Then the blood, the endless amount of blood on your hands.
"Добросердечный."
Loki.. the blade piercing through his chest, as you stand above him.
"Возвращение на Родину."
The straitjacket keeping you in place while the image of the dead officers at your feet. The sound of necks breaking. All the guilt. It hits you over and over until you can't breathe
"Один."
"Please make it stop" you cry out. "I don't know what's happening to me"
"Товарный вагон"
"What's happening to me"
"You're free" Ayo whispers as she puts her hand on your shoulder, feeling how your body is falling apart beneath her touch.
"I'm free?" You choke out.
"You are free" she repeats with a smile on her face.
Then everything falls back into place. They can't hurt you anymore.
"I can never repay you for this"
"There's no need for that"
Your head is resting in your hands, you feel a hand on your shoulder. But you can't look up. You just exist.
"Kid" a quiet voice echoes through your head.
"Tony?" You whimper, as you turn your head and face him. To scared if he's just another one of your illusions.
"I'm here kid" he says pulling you into a warm hug.
"I'm sorry.. I'm so so sorry" you cry out.
"You've already apologized kid, and you don't need to. We all forgive you, for everything"
"You do?"
"Without a doubt" He says. "Go pack your things kid, I'm taking you home"
Just seeing Tony again makes all the pain worth it. You just want to tell him everything, how you saw your mom. But all that could wait for now. You were going home.
As you walk into your room Bucky is sitting on your bed, he's packed all your things neatly in the exact bag you had brought it in.
"You didn't need to do that, are you ready to go as well?" You ask sitting down next to him.
"I'm actually not going"
"What?"
"I think I'm gonna stay here for a while"
"But I need you"
"No you don't"
It takes a you a moment to realize he truly isn't coming with you. He's staying here.
"Are you gonna miss me" he chuckles.
"Of course I am, I feel like I've said goodbye a lot recently" you sigh.
"Don't worry y/n, it's an I'll see you later.. not a goodbye"
"I'm gonna have to make you swear on that though"
"Fine I swear"
You let you head rest on his lap.
"What if not everyone forgives me for the things I did" you say as you look up into his eyes. "What if he won't forgive me?"
"Then you'll just have to find a way for forgive yourself" he smiles. "And if he can't forgive you, he's a moron" he chuckles.
"Why is it so damn hard for me to say goodbye" you whisper, gripping tightly onto his arm.
"Well I am kind of amazing, so I can't blame you for missing me"
"Indeed you are" you laugh, as you slowly sit back up. "When you're not a complete asshole at least"Bucky pulls you closer to him giving you a gentle hug. "But I am gonna miss you a lot"
"I'll miss you too Stark, I'll see you soon" he places a gentle kiss on your forehead.
"Thank you, I needed that more than you could imagine." You say warmly. "When am I gonna see you again?"
"I do expect a wedding invitation.." he says with a sad smile on his face.
"You better be there"
He hesitates for a second, before placing his hand on your cheek. "I wouldn't miss it for the world" he whispers. "Now try not to do anything stupid till I get back okay?" He shrugs.
You close your eyes as a small tear rolls down your cheek. "How can I, all the stupid is gonna stay here with you" you whisper back.
You place a small kiss on his cheek, before grabbing your bag.
Then you walk out to the plane with Tony.
Finally heading home.