*long chapter ahead, I hope you don't mind.*
"I'm not going with you", I repeat for the thousand time to the people who provided me with life. "How many times do I have to tell you? No, I'm not going. Or do you want to hear it in Japanese since you have spent there more time than at home? I'm sorry, but your son unlike you doesn't speak Japanese, and he has never visited it because you care more about yourself than you care about your own son. But I can tell you in Spanish", I say when they open their mouth and I imitate my favorite actor and for sure one of my favorite shows- Teen Wolf and the amazing Dylan O'Brien.
I stare at my parents as they stare back at me, my mom playing with the pearls that decorate her neck and dad is knitting his brows while scratching his neatly sharped and shaved beard. I don't want to talk about their expensive clothes that probably their styles picked for them to match, the perfect black cocktail dress and black suit, while I'm the only one in the sweatpants and sweater because I have just come back from my practice only to find them here ready to ruin my day. I stare at their clothes a little more since it's the only way to distract myself and avoid their stern gazes.
Mom's dress is black and tight, the cleavage showing her bobs enough to tease you, but still covering the most important parts while it comes under her knees, covering them, too. She never really liked her knees, anyway. As if she can sense me ogling them, she crosses her legs with the pair of extremely high black heels that are simple with shiny straps that are wrapped around her calves. But trust me when I say, they probably cost a fortune even though I bet you can find the same pair in the shop across the street.
Dad on the other hand is, as well dressed in a black suit, matching the color of his wife's outfit. The thing that screams fortune on him is the clock resting on his left wrist, which he keeps twirling and checking as if he is late for one of his famous meetings, where he spends the whole time of his life, leaving his son alone in the lonely house where he has started to talk with ghosts and drowning in alcohol that keeps appearing even though he consumes it all, always at the same place, the bottles are never empty, always calling him over and over again.
"You are being ungrateful!", dad spits and I roll my eyes. I was waiting for him to say this. It was just a matter of time.
He keeps telling me this all the time, whenever he has a chance, whenever he's home. Thank God he's rarely here.
"We do everything for you! Everything! And the only thing we ask you to do for us is to come to our foundations raiser and take some pictures with us since we are donating it like a family, and you...", he can't finish because I growl since I can't control it anymore.
"Like a family? Like a family?", I chuckle nervously. "Seriously? You two are never home I don't see you for months, I live alone with Bartman as if he gave birth to me and not you!" I point at mom who bounces back in the leather armchair slightly, her hand on her chest, showing shock at my words, her nails scream power and elegance.
"Don't talk to your mother like that!"
"Oh, but I will! You think you can dress up nicely in only labeled things that cost a fortune and leave your son alone to be present at some shitty donations while smiling and waving like idiots not even once thinking of me and what I could be doing in this mansion al..."
Slap.
I'm not surprised, I just want to see who gave it. I open my eyes to see my furious dad in front of me, squeezing his first and knitting his brows, giving his perfect face an angry expression that I, to be honest, missed seeing. I missed him. I miss him. And I want him to slap me again, anything, just to keep him longer next to me. I'm even going to memorize this slap because for me it's like he caressed my cheek. It's like a gesture of tenderness.
"You don't speak like tha..."
"Punch me again", I find myself saying. His expression is slowly turning into a confused one while his knitted brows are coming back to their normal place.
"What?", his voice is low, unrecognizable.
"You heard me. Punch me again. If slapping me is going to make your presence longer then I want you to keep punching me until I can't breathe."
"You are going crazy, Jason." He steps back, reaching for his jacket and I know what he's about to do. To leave. I know what is next. My mourning and endless cries for help. Me drowning in alcohol that leaves me as well after a very quick time, but I can't notice when it leaves me nothing else but the dizziness and a stupid smirk on my sad face.
"I am! I am going crazy because I'm living alone!"
"That's bullshit! You have everything you want. I even threw money for your damn cinema because of your obsession to watch shoes and movies all the time."
Threw. He's been throwing money on his own soon. But the donation he's about to give is not a waste of money.
Good to know, dad. Good to know.
"Threw?", my voice is small probably not audible at all. "And that donation? That is not throwing money?"
"No", his voice is determined and stern, "because those kids will appreciate it unlike you."
"So, you think that money is enough?"
"And what do you need? You can buy everything? What do you want, Jason?"
You, I want you. I want to yell this from the top of my lungs, but I know that wouldn't be enough for them to understand, obviously they can't decipher it when I'm literally screaming it in their faces with make-up and treated with a lot of creams to prevent their features from aging.
"Nothing", I bow my head, mumbling to my chin.
"I'm asking you one more time to come. If you don't show up..."
"What will happen, daddy?", I ask him, chuckling, provoking him. Maybe he will slap me again. Just touch me again.
"Honey, let's go." Mom takes dad's hand and causes him to turn to her, his expression softening, the anger in it disappearing once his eyes catch hers. "Jason, be a good son and come. You don't have to stay till the end, just take some pictures with us, shake some hands, then you are good to go." Her voice is softer than dad's as if she's pleading with me.
Why does that event mean so much to them? Why do they care for it more than they care for me? I wish I was a homeless child more than theirs. Maybe then people who would adopt them would love me more than these people who are my actual parents.
"And what do I get from it?", I shout.
"Let him, honey. He's ungrateful. Hopefully, those kids to whom we are donating money would appreciate him more than he does. Let's go."
He pulls her hand and she follows him, but not without glancing at me before he drags her out of the house, sending me a sad mother's face that says that she loves me. But I want her to actually say it, to come to me, to hug me, to kiss my cheek, to brush my hair, and tell me that everything will be okay. But, no, she is leaving with fad again leaving me for God knows how many months. God knows when is going to be the next time I will see her face, covered with make-up, red lips, and pearls around her neck, dressed in tight clothes, showing her envying figure that she has thanks to the personal couch whom she showers with money.
Nor do I know when will I see the man who has called me ungrateful multiple times. The one whom I pleaded with to slap me one more time, the one who has been throwing money he's drowning in for something that had made his son happy. If he can be happy without his parents' love.
Many would kill to live alone, to party every day, to bring partners, and do everything they can't with parents at their homes. But not me. I can't seem to explain to my classmates how lucky they are to have their house full of family- the parents who bombard you with tons of questions like how was school or what note did you get and their annoying siblings who are driving them crazy each day more and more.
I would kill for that. Instead, I get this. I get what they long for and they get what I long for. Looks like we can never be satisfied with what we want. And even if we had it, we would want it to be the other way around. We, people, are the kind who is impossible to be satisfied.
Goodbye, mom.
Goodbye, dad.
I turn around with tears pricking my eyes only to see Bartman, my... our servant who is supposed to cook, clean, and take care of me. Whatever the last one includes. My eyes shot him a death glare as I swallow tears and blink them away.
"For how long have you been standing there?", I shout.
"I.... I...."
"Answer me", I hiss, patting the floor with my training shoes and squeezing my fist, "how much have you seen?"
"Um... everything." My eyes widen in shock because of his honesty. He should have known better than to tell me the truth. I hate the truth. Well, I hate everything but the truth the most.
"You idiot! Get out of my sight!", I growl, gesturing with my hand for him to leave. "Do we pay you to eavesdrop on our family conversations?"
Family, my ass.
"Jason..."
"Get out of my sight when I say!"
"Jason..."
He approaches me and before I can open my mouth again and growl at him, his arms wrap around my neck and he pulls me into a hug. I gasp, trying to find words to protest, but I can't. I don't find them. I just bury my head in his neck and let out tears that have been pricking for so long in my eyes, wetting his uniform. "Shh, son... Shhh..."
"I can't.... I want... my dad... and... my mom... back...", I manage to mumble between sobs.
"I know. I know. They suck. Shh... Don't cry. Hey, look at me." I lift my head and focus my eyes that are like a running waterfall at his blue ones. "I'm going to make your favorite meal and pancakes, and we can watch a movie with popcorn. What do you say?"
I shake my head, "No. Bartman. Go home. Your wife and kids must be waiting for you. I have to go somewhere."
"But my shift isn't over yet", he protests.
"It is now", I step back from him, heading upstairs to my room. I turn over my shoulder, to see him still standing, his face slightly sad. "Go."
☆
So, I'm back. I'm back at the place where I go secretly. The place where no minor should go. Where honestly no one should go but fuck it, why does then that place exist anyway?
I haven't been here in months. I tried not to go here because of Luna. She doesn't like to see me at the place where she works. She is ashamed and I disturb her from doing her job and earning money. She is ashamed, yet I should be one, but I'm not at all. Although, I only enter the place, find whom I want to go with, and leave with a person next to me.
A person next to me. I need to have someone next to me. It's the only way for me not to feel lonely. And since obviously, no one is interested in the broken boy, I have to go and find someone who is. I bet they wouldn't want me either, but they do want my money. Need. They need money, I need them not to feel lonely. It's a win-win situation.
Before I head to the illegal club that is really far away from any curious eyes and any possibility to be banned, I stop to buy something to calm me down first. The alcohol that is in my car is gone. I glance at the empty bottles on the passenger seat and they stare back at me.
While taking a turn I take each of them and toss them through my window, not even bothering to focus on the sound of their breaking. That is what kind of power I have over them. The same my parents have over me. I can break them and do whatever I want with them, to get rid of them and replace them, just how much parents can. If they don't like me or if I am ungrateful, then why don't they adopt some kid from that orphanage to which they are donating money. The money they previously threw on my stupid and childish wishes.
But can you blame me? I tried. I tried so much to replace their love with the things I had been buying with the money they were leaving me, but eventually, I gave up, I realized that nothing can overcome their love. No home cinema, no playground, no home gym no... Nothing, just nothing. But maybe someone.
"Aaagh!", someone growls and I focus my eyes through the window to see to whom that growls belongs. "Watch out, idiot! You can't throw everything from your car just like that!"
The person has a hood on their head, covering their forehead, as their face is dancing in the shadow, impossible for me to see it. I'm driving slowly now, since I've been trying to find anyone who sells some shit, knowing that those little dealers always hide in the corner close to the club, since the profit is great in that area.
"Well, I can", I smirk, leaning through the window, still trying to see who the poor person is. Must be some addict, who is, too, looking for some shit, just like I am.
"No, you can't! There are people here...", the person stops talking once they approach the car and it takes me a couple of seconds to find the eyes with which my best friend fell in love.
Yeah, I made him confess it out loud, before he got out from my car and walked into my house, where one day after I have found my parents who only needed his son to take some meaningless pictures and play a role of a very kind and sacrificing son who follows them like a lost puppy, waiting for one day to inherit their kind business that saves so many lives but ruined only one- his own.
"Luna?"
"Jason?", her voice is a whisper, holding disbelief and something I can't decipher. It's fear. "What are you doing here?" I open the car door and she takes a step back so J can get out.
"Did I hurt you?", my voice is suddenly tender and I reach for her tiny hands.
"No.... you didn't", she bows her head and mumbles in her chin.
"Liar. Let me see", I chuckle softly and try to take her hands, but she flinches, stepping back again.
"Let go of me!", she winces, closing her green eyes that Katy says scare her.
"Okay, okay!" I loft my arms in defeat, waving my palms in the air, trying to show her that I don't want to hurt her. "Relax, I won't hurt you. I could never", I add, softly. She just sighs, letting out a breath she's been holding.
"What are you doing here?", she repeats the question on which I haven't given her the answer.
"I headed to the club", I say nonchalantly. "You? Is something wrong?" My expression of the idiot who's thrown empty bottles of alcohol through the window of his car softens for this small sleepless girl.
I lower myself a little to be able to look at her bright eyes that are red just like mine. Luna and I are so much alike and I haven't realized that until this very moment.
"So, you started doing it again?" She starts walking and I lock my car behind my shoulder with a small device in my hand with a simple sound of the beep and follow her.
If anyone dares to crash the car, I'd... I don't care. Actually, I will be thankful for however does that because it will puss my dad since he has such a beautiful collection of expensive cars. Luna speaks my thoughts:
"You're just gonna leave the car there. Someone's gonna steal it."
"I don't care. And, yeah, I started doing it again, to answer your question. I don't know why do you pay so much attention to me when I'm there. I mean I get that I'm handsome, but..." She turns over her shoulder, shooting me a tired glare, her eyelids threatening to close each second, "okay, I... I just go in there, find a girl and leave almost immediately. I always find them super fast", I add, smirking.
"Cause I don't like anyone to see me that exposed, maybe", she mumbles, checking the streets we are passing through. I guess that she's referring to her underwear that she always wears while dancing around the rod
"But I don't even glance at you", I lean to whisper in her ear and I see her rolling her eyes, so I chuckle while trying to keep up with her fast rhythm.
"What are you doing here?"
"It's my area. I have every right to be here."
"So have I. I thought that we are free to walk whenever we want to", I joke with her while swaying a little. Oop, the alcohol I have taken is starting to affect me. She shoots me a glare, her bright eyes shining in the shadows of these lonely dark alleys where danger is lurking in each corner waiting to attack.
"You stink of alcohol", she scrunches her little nose and frowns while at the same time her eyes hold worry. "How much did you have?"
"I had those bottles I threw."
She doesn't seem surprised, nor does she shocks me by the amount of the bottles I had like people usually do. I'm used to drinking a lot. Unlike the boy who likes her.
"Why were you drinking? What happened?" She glances at me while taking a turn in the darker alley and I wonder how she's not scared to wander through this place. But she doesn't wonder. She knows this place like the back of her palm.
Then, I guess it indeed is her are. She's used to it. I look at her to see not even a glimpse of fear, while she's confidently walking further to the danger, joining the shadows of the night that lurks here unlike at the city where it's still a day.
"Uh, um.... nothing. I don't need a reason to drink, do I?"
"You're right you don't." She shrugs, turning backward to check if someone's behind us.
Again she is not surprised. But I'm surprised that she isn't surprised. Does that make sense? I don't know I think I'm starting to get drunk.
"Where are we going, Luna?", I ask, well, to admit, a little bit scared.
Don't think that I'm a pussy, but I've never been to this part of the town and who knows what these streets hide- people with guns or something else and I don't know how to protect myself with this much alcohol in my blood that is pulsing straight in my brain, I can feel it. But most importantly I don't know how to save Luna. Boris would never forgive me if he knew that I was next to her and that I let something happen to her.
"I am going somewhere where you don't need to know. And you are going back to sober up", she points her index finger at me, stopping.
"I'm not just leaving you here. Boris would kill me if he knew. I left you alone at this... this..." I look around meeting with more darkness and emptiness, yet more fear, too.
"Oh, fuck Boris."
She starts walking again and I start running to keep up with her, making sure to stick close to her.
"Oh, are you scared Jason?", she says before I can scold her for cursing my best friend like that. Is he my best friend? Well, he's the only one I have, so I don't know.
Something moves in the corner and I shiver from the fear, stepping back while not letting my eye contact break from the place where that something moved. Luna follows my direction of glare and the second she lays it on that specific space, she bursts into a laugh. A laugh! I look back at her, gasping in disbelief, still scared and slightly shivering. It's colder here than it is in the city, that's for sure. I squeeze my varsity jacket that I picked up before I left the house, after making sure that Bartman was left for sure.
"Jason, that were just leaves, relax. Oh, God", she laughs, "you should have seen your face." I nudge her in the ribs obviously stronger than I meant to because she quickly stops laughing and bounces back, her eyes resembling the murder's.
"Sorry, I didn't want to... God, I have been terrified! Are you crazy for wandering through these alleys, Luna?"
"And you admitted that you were terrified", she chuckles and I don't think that I have ever heard her laugh before. "Yeah, I am crazy", she speaks, talking me back to reality, "as if you didn't know that already. Isn't that how the whole school calls me by?"
"Not the whole", I correct her. "Boris doesn't call you like that."
"Oh, the hell wi..."
"If you curse him one more time, I sweat that I'll tell him something about you. He is desperate to know." I wink and she gasps, but quickly her brows knit, and she pouts.
"Well, I can tell him your secrets, as well or you forgot?" She starts walking and I follow her like a puppy.
"Tell me better where the fuck we are going!"
"Shhh!", she shushes me, turning to me angrily with her finger pressed on her mouth. "I have to buy something."
"Drugs?" She shrugs her head slightly unsure. "You do drugs?"
"I wouldn't call that drugs", she hisses. "It's more of a remedy. It helps me survive."
"Oh."
"Don't tell anyone, please."
"I won't, you know it."
"Well, you just threatened me you would, so how do I exactly know it?" She stops, leaning on the wall and glancing hidden at the shadows at the corners, searching for her dealer, probably.
"Shit! He's not here! I knew he had left!", she curses, kicking the stone on the ground with her foot. "I'm going to die without those pills!" She takes off her hoof and starts pulling her hair nervously, and on the edge of the nerves.
"Calm down, Luna." I come closer to her, joining her in the shadow, but she moves, letting the gap between us open while our shadows entwine with each other.
"How can I calm down? You don't understand it! None of you fo!" She bites her nails and starts nibbling them. "I can't function without them and that idiot doesn't want to give them to me!" She punches the wall with her little fists and I rush to stop her, taking them both in my big hand.
"Stop, Luna! Stop", I whisper when she sobs quietly, with her back still turned to me. "I'll buy you those pills. Fuck Manuel."
She doesn't need to mention him, I know he has been the one who gave her those pills for the first time, who discovered them to her, even though she has never mentioned it. That bastard is the root of all of her problems.
"How to but them when there's no one to buy them from? Also, do you know what Manuel is going to do when he sees you next time?" She slowly turns to me, and I loosen the grip on her fists but still continue holding them, scared that she is going to punch the wall again, hurting herself. Wait, I can feel something brushing my hand. Something soft... A bandage.... A cast. She's wearing a cast on her right hand, covering her whole arm till her elbow.
"What the fuck happened?", I growl. "Did he hurt you? That motherfucker... I'm going to kil..."
"No! No! Why does everyone think it was him?", she mumbles the last part to herself.
"Then who?", I growl again, holding her hands and when she bows her head, scared and winces I realize that I'm intimidating her. "Sorry, I didn't mean to", I apologize. "Tell me just who did it, Luna."
"No one. I fell." She avoids my eyes.
"And you expect me to believe that bullshit? See, I'm not Boris whom you can feed with that bullshit."
"Well, then, I should mention that he didn't believe it either, though he said he did."
"Wait, he knows?", I confuse.
"He is the one who made me go to the hospital. We've spent there a whole Sunday afternoon, actually."
"I thought he was coming to lunch to your place. He wouldn't shut up about it. And about the kiss you gave him." I wink, idiotically.
"It was on a cheek", she deadpans, but I notice how she is biting the inner side of her cheek.
"That was what he, too kept emphasizing. If he can't stop talking about the kiss on a cheek, imagine if you kissed him for real, Luna. He'd be over the moon. But, wait. He's already over the moon", I joke, and she just rolls her eyes.
"Yeah, he did come for lunch, but later he... Wait how do you know about it?" Just when I open my mouth to answer her, she shushes me. "Shhh!" She again puts her finger on her lips, gesturing for me to hide and be quiet as she peeks at someone who is behind the well.
"It's him!", she whispers to me, turning her head to me, over her shoulder.
"Manuel?"
"No, idiot, the dealer."
"Oh, then what are we waitin...." She pushes my tall figure when I start walking out of our coverage.
"Shh, he has to be alone, idiot. No one can see me with him."
"But, I'll but it, Luna."
"Shut up, idiot!"
"Stop calling me idiot!" She just sends me a death glare and comes back to her mission of peeking and making sure the surrounding is clear.
But just then I hiccup. Her eyes widen and even in the darkness, I have enough access to see how red they are. Bloodshot. How tired. Exhausted. Same as mine. I bet mine is a fucking reflection of hers like I'm looking at the damn mirror.
"What? I'm drunk, remember?"
She mouths something to me, but I miss the opportunity to read it since I'm beginning to be kinda dizzy right now.
"Stay here", she orders and jumps from the position of the observer.
I feel as if I was in those actions movies where the main character has to hide from the people who are chasing him, to hide in just as dark alleys as these are. The only difference is that the main character isn't scared like I am. Nor drunk. I hear the distant chat between the dealer and Luna. Now I'm at her previous position, observing the two shadows in front of me. And unlike a courageous hero in a movie, I hiccup loudly and the two pairs of eyes fall quickly on me. The eyes of my fearless guider and her secret dealer.
Hers are furious, as they scream at me didn't I tell you to stay there while the dealer's are scared ones, just as mine.
The coverage was discovered. Boom! I'd be dead at the movie. Luckily, in real life, I have a fearless girl to guide me.
Dealer's feet are quick to run, but Luna's hand wraps around his wrist, stopping him.
"Wait! It's okay. He's with me." I slowly approach them, with hands in my pockets, swaying as I watch my shadow, wondering how it can move just like I do. I move trying to catch it falling to imitate me, but she does the exact same movements as I. Damnit, that was a good one! Good job, shadow, good job.
"With you? What do you mean with you?" The dealer frowns, looking at Luna. "Manuel would kill you if he knew."
"Stop mentioning him!", she yells tired of hearing the name of the man who hurt her so many times in any way possible which I can't even imagine. "Just hand me the pills."
"I can't. He told me not to give you anything. Plus, you shouldn't be here now."
"What about this? You would like to give her the pills now?", I ask him, waving the banknote through the air above his nose so he can smell it. It's like I can see his mouth watering and he turns to Luna, who shakes her head, waiting, as he hesitates, and then looks back at me, or should I say to the banknote in my head.
"If he finds out....", he starts.
"He won't!", Luna exclaims, already impatient. Is she addicted to those pills or what? I can literally see the grains of sweat on her forehead."if you don't tell him, of course!"
"Okay." The dealer stretches his hand to take the money, but I move it from his reach.
"Hand her the pills first", I demand and catch her glare, but I don't lock my eyes with hers just yet, keeping them fixed on the brown-haired guy who is selling illegal stuff.
"That's too much money", he tells me.
"So? You don't want it? Good, we can find another dealer." I turn on my heel, walking away when I hear him.
"Wait!" I turn back to him, to see his confused expression. "I want it, but I don't have that much stuff to supply you with."
"It's okay, you can keep the rest." His eyes widen and he glances back at Luna, who just shrugs. I've never seen a dealer like this. He's too stupid, and both Luna and I know it, but she is too busy being in something similar to a crisis, while I'm dizzy and drunk. I hope I won't vomit.
"Just give me all the pills you have and..."
"... and give me some cocaine."
"No, no, cocaine, no!" I'm the one who is sending a death glare to her now. She locks her eyes with mine, the twins of pain. "You'll overdose, no." She shakes her head, decisive. "Bob, give us some joint and that's it." She shrugs at me, cocking her eyebrow.
I never thought that she cared for me. Maybe she doesn't. Maybe she just doesn't want to be responsible for my death or she's doing it for Boris. Not for me. Never for me.
When I open my mouth to protest, but I see the dealer handing Luna the see-through bag with a bunch of white pills that help her sleep, or help her stay awake, I forgot. She grabs it, and just when I stretch my arm to take the joint, she grabs that, as well, before I can teach for it.
"Make sure to keep your mouth shut", she orders him and turns on her heel. I hand him the money, and while he's taking it and grinning at the note bank as if it is millions of dollars (but I bet it is for his small business) I lean into his ear, grabbing him by his shirt, glancing at the corner of my eyes to make sure Luna can't see me and I whisper:
"You say one word to Manuel, I'll find you and kill you. Don't test me."
Then I turn on my heel, too, running to the little girl whose shadow is surprisingly bigger than her, swaying a little, still amazed by the shadow that follows us and mimics every movement of mine so perfectly without any mistake.
"Why did you take the joint?"
She doesn't respond while she's walking decisively and silently, and I realize it is the same way she came from, so that must mean that we are coming back. Is it weird that I don't wanna come back and I wanna be with her more? I guess it is. I've never spent time with her, and I never wanted to, but now I do. Is it for the curly boy who connected us or not I don't know, but I wanna be with her a little more.
"Tell me! Give me!" I try to stand in her way and block it, but she manages to avoid me and just continues walking, still not talking. Did I do something now? And this goes on and on until I succeed in trapping her.
"I hate that I'm doing this because I know this triggers you, but you aren't leaving me a choice. You don't want to give me what's mine! I got you what you wanted and now you give me what's mine!"
"You have to sober up", is all she murmurs.
"I'm sober."
"Your bloodshot eyes tell me the opposite."
"Yours are bloodshot, as well!", I raise my voice, but she doesn't even flinch.
"I can't sleep, Jason. I don't sleep. That's why they are bloodshot", she says calmly with her raspy voice. "Plus, I had a rough night. And life", she adds after some thinking.
"Why do you want me to sober? Why do you care?", I change the topic. "You didn't want to talk to me before I started being friends with Boris. We kept being two strangers even though we shared big secrets of the other one."
"You don't really make it easy to talk to you if you are wondering, plus, I'm a freak, a weirdo, I bet you, the captain of a rugby team wouldn't want to be seen with a person like me."
"I don't care, Luna. I don't care who sees me with whom. I may be the captain of a rugby team, but you know what lays behind it. See? This is what is lays." I point at my, as she called them bloodshot eyes and run my hand through my messy hair.
"I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry for, Luna?", I growl, frustrated and nervous. She wants me to sober up, but all I want is more alcohol because I feel the one I have consumed is vanishing and making space for more pain. The room for the pain is being prepared in my body, making sure that everything is set for the Deputy's big arrival.
"For whatever is happening in your life. For the reason you drink. But you have to stop. Trust me it isn't going to lead you anywhere good."
"And how the hell you know?"
Why am I yelling at this girl who can't sleep and must be exhausted? The girl who has been abused all these years?
Because I'm an idiot. An idiot with bloodshot eyes.
"I know, Jason. Trust me. Please", she begs and I can recognize the same worry I've seen at the beginning of our encounter in her eyes that mirror mine.
"You didn't care for me last year! Now all of the sudden you do!"
She just shakes her head and bows it, looking at her palms. "I always cared for you, Jason. For you, for Austin. But whenever you'd see me your eyes would flicker with some strange shine and you would scare me and I thought that whenever you saw me I reminded you of someone who knew your biggest secret. I know you reminded me. My intention was to run from you, scared that you would say anything and use me..", her voice breaks me.
"You think everyone is like him", I hiss, and she looks at the side, leaning her head on the wall, and lets out a loud sigh. "For how long has that been going on?" She stays quiet, her eyes barely open. She needs to take those pills, I know. "Tell me, Luna."
"It doesn't matter. You can't change anything."
"Tell me."
"Tell me what had happened and why did you drink and then I'll tell you", she challenges me.
"What is this? Truth or dare? C'mon, Luna."
"You heard me." With that she starts walking again, inhaling slightly and struggling not to breathe heavily.
"Give me the joint and I'll leave. I won't tell anyone anything. Nor about the club, nor about today and your pills."
"And what will you do?", she shouts, stopping. Her eyes narrow at me. "Go in the club and fuck some chick? Will that help you?" She turns to me, crossing her arms and frowning at me, pouting her lips.
"I don't fuck them."
"And what do you do with them? Play with their toys?", she scoffs. "C'mon, Jason, I'm not an idiot."
"I don't fuck them, okay?", I growl, squeezing my fists angrily and she steps back while her eyes are focused on my fists. "I don't fuck them", I repeat more calmly this time, trying to stretch my hands, but seems like my fingers are glued to my fists.
"Okay, okay, you don't fuck them."
"I don't."
"Okay! C'mon, let's go." She pats my back and gestures for me to follow her when she sees me still standing confused.
"Where to?"
"Somewhere to sober up. C'mon."
"I'll sober one."
"With alcohol?" She shakes her head. "No way, Jason. C'mon, I'm not letting you go. Not now. Besides I want to get high as well."
"So you're just using me?" I smile widely, happy that she won't let me, just how I wanted to.
"Stop seeing everybody through that distorted picture. Not everyone wants to use you."
"Not everyone wants to hurt you or use you."
"Not every man is like Manuel."
I don't miss the chance to see her eyes rolling. "Hey, why have you turned? My car is there!" I point to the opposite direction of where the fearless guider is going, decisive to sober me up.
"We can't go by car. You can't drive
You're drunk, remember?", she imitates my voice from beforehand, using the same choice of words as I have.
"I can't walk", I groan, complaining. "Come on, I'll drive slowly, besides I'm not drunk as you think I am."
"I'm not letting you drive me in that state. Is that clear?" She tilts her little head. "I thought so", she tells me when I don't say anything. "Now c'mon. We have a business to do."
With that, she pulls me with her left hand that isn't in the cast and we get lost in the darkness, while the shadows of ours never leave our sides, keeping us company, still not failing to imitate every movement of ours perfectly. But I keep watching, waiting for them to make a mistake. I know they will. That is how drank I am. Waiting for ny shadow to stop doing everything as I do. Luna was right. I am drunk.