A sharp pain lingered in my chest during the entire trip to the hotel, and then during the entire elevator ride to our suite. It was so acute and unyielding, I wondered a few times if I wasn't going into cardiac arrest.
My heart was broken, bleeding within, wounded by Lex's reaction. I'd known he would be pissed, but the way he didn't glance at me, not even a single time, told me I'd underestimated his wrath. The aftermath of my disobedience would be of astronomical proportions. And I wasn't equipped to handle it, nor mentally ready to sustain it.
I was reaching the end of my limits. In the past few months, I'd been shot, ripped away from my life, had seen my abuela almost die because of me, my mother had been threatened, I'd been confined... My sanity was hanging by a thread, and this might break it.
The tension in the air became unbearable when we entered the suite, the bodyguards remaining outside. I dropped my bag on the couch and proceeded to look at anything but Lex. We had a tough discussion – fight – pending, and as long as none of us spoke, it wouldn't happen.
I dared to look at him at the same moment he did me, and our eyes stayed locked for a moment, until his lowered to my freckle-less nose. Something dangerous and disapproving flashed behind his stormy irises. When he looked back up to mine, I read utter condemnation.
He said nothing about it, though, and threw his laptop, which he'd had in the car, on the couch. His gestures were stiff and rough, his body language betraying that he wasn't as contained as he was trying to pretend.
Although I didn't want the altercation that ought to happen, I was aware that the sooner we'd get on with it, the faster it would be over. Maybe all we needed were a few minutes of shouting and yelling, and then we'd be back to the way it should be.
Today, I'd bravely walked into our enemy's territory. I could find the courage I needed to talk to the man I loved.
I took a step in his direction, and then another one. Before I knew it, I was right by his side. He was facing away from me, staring at the wall, so I lifted a hand to rest it on his forearm. He shook it off with irritation and glared down at me when he turned around.
"I can't do this now."
"Why?"
"Because I need to calm down or I might strangle you," he grunted, lifting his hands between us, as if urged to wrap them around my neck.
Even though I knew he'd never hurt me, a flash of shock coursed through me. Lex would never lift a hand on me, unless I consented to it. But we all had moments where anger took over all that was rational. I wanted this to go as well as possible, so I refused to push him if he wasn't ready.
"I can't even look at you right now. Go take that shit off your face, Perdita," he commanded, frowning at the makeup I had on with disdain.
Indignation rose within me, breaking through the turmoil. "I get that you're pissed, but don't you fucking talk to me that way, Alexander!"
Outraged, I spun around to walk away, deciding that locking myself in our room would be the best thing to do for the next few hours. Two steps into my retreat, a powerful hand grabbed my arm and pulled me back.
With a firm tug, he made me flip back to face him, and I collided with his solid body. While he kept me there with his hold on my arm, his other hand reached up to my face, clasping my jaw in a tight hold that was almost painful. My lips were pursed in a strange manner from the pressure of his fingers on my cheeks, and my eyebrows were twisted in worried waves, wondering what he'd do to me. His face was right above mine, his eyes traveling left and right as he looked into both of mine alternatively.
I stayed there unmoving, and it wasn't only because I couldn't escape his grasp. I'd been wanting him to hold me all day, and it was happening. Not the way I'd wanted it to, though.
"Do you have any idea just how mad you've driven me today?" he uttered, his warm breath grazing my face.
Before I could answer his rhetorical question, he lowered the few inches that separated us and claimed my lips. Utterly immobile, I allowed him to take whatever he wanted. When his tongue tried to make its way between my sealed lips, I unlocked my jaw and granted him access, submissive and docile.
I had a lot to atone for. More than I'd ever had.
His kiss was a strange mix of frustration and deliverance. I could taste his exasperation on his tongue, as much as the relief he must have felt to finally have me in his arms. I was right here, safe and sound, but I'd still put him through hell.
Forgetting that this was more a punishment than something to be enjoyed, I melted into his embrace.
As if he couldn't help himself despite the fury raging within him, his kiss became gentler, more like a lover than a punisher. His hand released my jaw to slide to the back of my head, as he held me right there under his pressing lips. My arms lifted to wrap around his torso, accepting the mood switch. I couldn't help it. This man was my Kryptonite, and while I knew we should sort things through first, I'd let him take me right now if that was what he wanted. Sex could never cure us as well as talking would, but I was willing to try anything if it meant he'd forgive me faster.
Lex pulled away from me slowly, and when I opened my eyes, I noticed how he was sad more than angry now, conflicted by what had just happened.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered, knowing how insufficient it was compared to what I'd done.
"Of course you are."
He intently pressed his mouth on mine one last time before releasing me. Without another look my way, he disappeared into the small office, grabbing his laptop on his way there.
Torn with guilt and sorrow, I stood in the middle of the room for a moment, wondering just how I would salvage our torn bond. This wouldn't break us. Nothing could. It was just a bad moment we needed to get over with.
• • •
About four hours later, after I'd showered and given myself time to think over everything, I walked out of the master suite, ready to face Lex. He hadn't sought me since we'd gotten home, so I wasn't sure if he was ready to have that conversation yet.
Because my stomach was so empty it was achy, I took a detour through the kitchen to find something to eat. I wasn't hungry, but the lack of food intake all day had left me with low blood sugar and trembling hands. Since it was simple and quick, I took out everything I needed to make myself a sandwich. While I was at it, I made another one, which I'd take to Lex as a peace offering.
I ate mine alone in the quiet kitchen, trying to figure out what I'd say to my angered boyfriend once I was with him. By the time I was done eating, I still wasn't certain what would be the best approach, so I decided I'd wing it after gauging his mood.
With a bottle of sparkling water and the plate with Lex's ham and cheese sandwich in hand, I walked to the suite's office. I knocked on the closed door, but didn't wait for his answer, thinking it was safer that way. At least he wouldn't be able to refuse me.
He barely glanced at me when I opened the door and then focused back on his computer. I hesitantly walked up to his desk to settle the water and the sandwich next to him. Apart from a discreet peek, he didn't acknowledge my offering, still busying himself on his computer. He was working on the data we'd pulled from Becker's work computer.
"Lex, talk to me, please," I eventually spoke.
"Why? You already know everything I'd say."
He was right. I knew he'd call me inconsiderate, tell me how much I'd hurt him, how he'd been worried sick all day, how disappointed he was...
"You have to understand... You left me no other choice." That definitely wasn't the right thing to say.
Lethal steel grays gazed up at me, and he stood from his chair, domineering and threatening. Intimidated, I took a few steps back.
"Don't you fucking dare, Andrea. We were looking for another solution."
"We were going nowhere! You know as much as I do we wouldn't have found anything better than this."
"You knew exactly how I felt about you getting hired there, and you still did it," he bitterly reminded me.
"Because you always do this! You convince yourself you're right, and then there's no room left for anything else! Don't you think I would have preferred doing this with your knowledge? That I would have felt more comfortable with your approval? I did what I had to."
If looks could kill, I would have died right then and there. But aside from my heart that might stop at any point, my life wasn't in danger. Before he lost control and went too far, he forced himself to calm down, his lips pinched in a severe line for a few seconds as he inhaled deep breaths through his nose.
"Do you have any idea of the agony you put me through?" he asked, having regained some composure, but not much of it. "I spent my entire day looking at the fucking CCTV, making sure nothing was happening to you."
"Then you saw I was okay. There wasn't a single moment where I could have been in danger."
"But you know how fucked up that man is. You've heard Lola. You know he's dangerous! Why would you still go there?!"
"You think it was easy for me?" I replied, hating the way my voice cracked and my eyes filled up with tears. "I had a ball of stress in my guts the entire time. And knowing you'd treat me like this made it even worse."
Before I could prevent them from spilling over, a few tears made their way down my cheeks. Lex conflictingly looked down at them. "No, this is too easy, Andrea. You can't start crying and expect it all to go away. You knowingly betrayed my trust."
"And it killed me inside, Lex. I know I hurt you, and that's the last thing I ever want to do."
"Then why would you still do it?" As he said it, his voice cracked, and tears welled up in his eyes as well, compelling more of mine to roll down my face.
"I did it because I had to. I'm done letting Becker ruin our lives. I'm done waiting for his next move. I'm tired of this life, tired of being preys when we could be predators. We needed to take action."
As if he couldn't handle more of me right now, he looked away and swiped the tears off his cheeks with a harsh gesture. He was more distraught than I'd ever seen him, and it was terrible to witness. His mind had conjured terrible images all day – of me being discovered, of Becker finding me – and I didn't even want to imagine the scenarios he'd come up with. Slowly, I came closer, urging him to look at me again.
"That snake-faced bastard threatened my mom. My mom, Lex. Was I supposed just to sit back and wait to see who wins this war?"
My revelation caused him to frown, confused. I hadn't told him about my mom's call. If I had, he would have seen me coming, and he would have made sure I couldn't do what I'd done today. I'd blindsided him for the sake of our goal.
That small piece of information changed everything, didn't it? Instead of just going against his will on a whim, I'd acted because I didn't have a choice. I'd been cornered and had done what I needed to.
"He came after your mother?"
"Yes. She called me three days ago, panicked and scared. He went to her high school. He waited for her and then gave her the fright of her life."
It took several seconds for him to process my words. When he did, I read the distrust in his eyes. "That's why you asked for more men to protect them." I nodded, slightly ashamed. "You should have told me then, Andrea."
"Would it have changed anything? Would you have agreed to my plan?"
He didn't hesitate. Not even half a second. "No."
"That's why I didn't tell you. You'd have been more cautious if you knew."
"So you've been lying to me?"
"I omitted. Something you are very familiar with," I reminded him. He frowned disapprovingly, as if now wasn't the time to keep tabs. "Listen, baby, I would have never gone if I wasn't certain I'd be safe. But this is a golden opportunity. We won't have another one like this again."
"You plan on returning there?" he asked, slightly taken aback.
"You know I don't have a choice."
"There's always a choice."
"I swear I'll be safe, Lex. The cleaning staff is required to avoid Becker. I'm in the day team, so he's barely even going to be home while I'm there. And in the meantime, I have prime access to his entire penthouse. I can find the laptop, get the data on it, and we can get rid of him."
As if it was too much for him, Lex went to sit on the armchair in the corner of the room. With his eyes lost somewhere on the carpeted floor, he thought about it intently, struggling to come to terms with my decision. But it was important that he did. Despite everything, I was still convinced that being employed among Becker's staff was a blessing for us; our only shot at having the life we deserved.
Slowly, I made my way to Lex, wishing he could see what I saw.
"Can I touch you?" I asked, trying to be respectful of his boundaries in this moment of discord.
A few seconds after I'd spoken, his eyes lifted to me. He gave me a small nod, and I moved to sit across his lap, hoping the soothing effect I had on him would work in my favor. Curled up on him with an arm hooked behind his solid neck, I cupped a gentle hand on his jaw and made him look at me.
"Lex... We already have so much going on, please don't be mad at me. I'm sorry I had to do it that way, but it was a decision. One I reflected over for hours."
"That's what worried me. You put yourself in danger and you knew what you were doing."
"I know how much you value my life, and I love you so fucking much for it. But I value my life too, Lex. Maybe even more than you do. I value it so much, I want one hundred percent of it. I want the whole package, not just half of it because Becker is forbidding us to live fully. I want it all, and I want it with you. Every single step of the way."
Determined to win him over, I traced a line of soft kisses up the blade of his jaw until I reached his ear. "I want to have your children. I want to marry you, to grow old with you, to see what life will be like by your side in twenty years... I won't ever do anything that could compromise all this."
When I moved back, his face was full of conflicted emotions. "I can't lose you," he whispered, his gray irises locked into mine. There was pure despair in his voice, and it shattered me.
"You won't, baby. Not now, and not ever. I want to live. More than I ever have before. So trust me when I say I know what I'm doing."
I could see he was close to giving in. Somehow, I'd managed to make him accept this was not only our best shot at getting Becker's laptop, but it was also safe. I wanted a life with him too much to jeopardize it.
"If you're doing this," he started after thinking about it for a moment, "you need to promise me something, Andrea."
"Anything you want."
"If there's any sign of danger, you're out."
I nodded without hesitation. He didn't even need my promise for this. There was no way I'd keep infiltrating Becker's penthouse if there was any danger looming. "I promise I will, Lex."
Slowly, so he could stop me if he didn't want it, I moved closer to give him a tender kiss. He didn't deny me the gesture, and his powerful arms came around me as we exchanged a sweet embrace. Afterward, I rested my temple on his shoulder and snuggled closer to him, reluctant to let go just yet.
We stayed like this for long minutes, with me pressed against him, basking in each other. It was only when his stomach rumbled that I moved away from him to fetch him the sandwich I'd made.
I checked on what he'd been working on as he ate it, peering at him now and then. He was still tense, and it made sense. Even though he was accepting this was the best shot we had, he still didn't like the idea. I was too close to danger in his mind.
Once he was done with his improvised dinner, I gave him some time to finish what he'd been doing on his computer, and we then went to our bedroom together. He showered as I brushed my teeth, brushed his as I changed into my pajamas, and we both slipped into the comfortable and lush bed.
Some uneasiness lingered between us, and I thoroughly hated it. Regardless of how good my intentions had been today, I'd deceived him. I'd broken the trust he had in me, and it would take a while to build back to where we'd been.
Since intimacy had always been a great way for us to express our emotions, I naturally decided on that strategy. I slithered closer to him under the covers so I could plaster my front onto his side. While my mouth dropped seductive kisses on the side of his neck, my hand snaked down his stomach to mold the bulge at his crotch.
Before I could slip it beneath his underwear, his fist was wrapped around my wrist, pulling my hand away. "You don't have to do this to buy my forgiveness, Andrea."
"I want to make you feel good," I whispered in his ear.
"Then the best thing you can do is promise me you'll never do something like this ever again."
"I do. I promise, Lex. Full transparency from now on. But you also have to swear you'll try to see past your worries to think logically, and not let your emotions cloud your judgment."
He considered my request for a moment, plunging the room into a long silence. When he spoke again, there was a pinch of humor in his tone. "I've never had this problem before. You did this to me. It seems I can't be rational where you're concerned."
"As inconvenient as it is right now, I'm flattered. Do you swear you'll hear me out and think about things with a clear head in the future?" I insisted.
Despite the surrounding darkness, I felt his eyes looking down on me. "I swear I'll try." His lips met my forehead and stayed there for about two seconds as he squeezed me closer to him.
With my head resting over his shoulder, I listened to his deep breaths. At this point, our promise to each other that we'd have the most boring life after all this wasn't a joke anymore. There was nothing I wanted more than quiet tranquility for us. A happy life free of complications.
"I hate it when we fight," I mumbled.
"Me too. I just wish all of this was gone."
"It will be soon."
How long could it take to find a laptop, really? Becker's place was big, but not that big.
In a few days, I would have completed a rotation with Ana-Lucía, meaning I would have had access to all the rooms. I might have located the computer by then, and from there, it was game over for Truman Becker.