"This is going to the group match to watch," the tv presenter said on the television.
"Agreed! We have two of the best teams in the world, up against each other. It's England versus Sweden. England have been in a league of their own recently. They have star players, such as Juliette Walsh, Lucy Bronze, Fran Kirby, and young gun Lauren Hemp."
"What do you make of this match up?" One tv presenter asked the other.
"I'm most excited to see how Swedish Captain, Magdalena Eriksson, shuts down England's formidable attack, but then also how the English full backs, Juliette Walsh and Lucy Bronze, who are arguably England's best players, shut down the Swedish midfield."
"What have you made of the two English Full Backs so far in this tournament?"
"I would definitely say they have been England's best threat. They score, they defend, they assist, there is nothing that Lucy Bronze and Juliette Walsh can't do."
"Turn it off," I said to Georgia, who was sitting on her hotel bed.
"Why? They are literally praising you like a god right now."
"George, turn it off!" Georgia quickly shut off the tv and stared back at me.
"Is everything okay?" She asked.
"Yeah, I just didn't want to hear that."
"Wasn't like they were saying anything bad," Georgia answered.
"It's just not good preparation," I replied, "anyways, are you ready to go?" I was standing at the door, waiting for Georgia so we could head downstairs to the rest of the team.
"Yeah, let's go."
We headed downstairs, and the rest of the team was in the lobby, waiting for us.
"What took you guys so long?" Keira asked, "We've been waiting for 10 minutes."
"Georgia was taking her time," I answered, laughing.
"Nope, I was waiting for Ett!"
"You good?" Leah asked, as we got on the bus.
"Yeah," I replied, "there's just been a lot of media around this game."
"Are you nervous?"
"Slightly," I chuckled.
"You'll be great, don't worry." I hadn't realised, before Georgia had it on the news, that the media was getting so involved with the tournament. I hadn't recognised that I was, in a sense, at the forefront of that, for England. It's hard knowing a lot of pressure is on you. It's not a feeling I particularly enjoy. I know it's good pressure, I can't deny that. Being recognised as one of England's strongest players, should be a compliment. But it's difficult knowing I am not playing at my best, even though I try to deny it.
"I was talking to Sarina," Leah said to me, as we sat on the bus.
"About?"
"You." Shit.
"What about me?" I questioned.
"She asked me about your 12 months," Leah replied.
"Yeah, I figured that conversation was going to come up."
"How are you feeling? Have you spoken to your doctor?"
"After the tournament I will," I answered, "she's going to run some tests and let me know if everything is going okay."
"But surely you have some sort of idea if you're okay." I looked at Leah and saw her worried eyes.
"I think everything's going to be fine," I answered, reassuringly.
"Really?" Leah replied, hopeful, "that's great." She smiled at me, and she grabbed my hand, squeezing it tight.
We soon arrived at the stadium, and the crowd was big. Despite it not being a home game for either Sweden or us, the Australian crowd still turned up. It was hyped as being the best group game of the tournament, and not many wanted to miss it.
I was set to start the game, again, alongside Ellie, Lucy, Leah, Millie, Rachel, Georgia, Keira, Lauren, Ellen and Fran. It was a strong team. A team that could possibly beat Sweden. We'd already qualified for the round of 16, it was just a matter of what team we would be set to verse.
"Come on, Ett, we've got to go," Keira told me, as I sat on the floor, tying my hair.
"One second," I replied, standing up, and taking one last sip of my water. All the girls had already gone out, and by the time I exited the tunnel, we were already lining up. I ran to stand beside Keira, who was on the end.
"You take so long," Keira whispered into my ear.
"I get distracted," I answered.
We started the game, and within the first five minutes, I knew it was going to be physical. Sweden came out strong, holding a lot of possession. Leah, Millie, Lucy and I had to work tirelessly to stop Sweden from having any shots on target. In the 10th minute, I tackled Blackstenius in the box, making sure to get a touch to the ball to ensure I didn't give a penalty. After another two minutes, I had to make a goal-saving deflection which went out for a corner.
By the 37th minute, it was still 0-0. No team had made a breakthrough. Although, we hadn't had many chances. I knew it was time to take this into my own hands. As I stole the ball off one of the Swedish players, I spotted Lucy running down the middle of the pitch. Lucy is fast, very fast. I ran with her, the ball at my feet. As I got to the halfway point, I manoeuvred the ball through the Swedish defenders, and placed it on a platter for Lucy to strike. She got it in. We were up. We had none of the momentum, but Lucy and I had put us the lead.
"Wow," I said to her, "can always count on your finishing!"
"Would be nothing if the pass wasn't perfect," she replied back.
We continued playing, and I knew now was not the time to get complacent. Both teams had equal possession, but it soon became a tennis match. Neither side were able to do anything productive with the ball they were getting, and by the 45th minute, I knew we just needed to hang on till half time. Leah, Millie, Lucy and I just passed it around at the back until the whistle blew.
We went into the locker room, not knowing what to expect from Sarina. We were up at half time, but it had not been our best performance.
"I'm conflicted," Sarina said, "I am happy that we are ahead. That was a great goal by Lucy and Juliette, so congratulations on that stellar piece of work. We are relying too heavily on our defence to keep us in this game. We need to step it up. If we want to win this match, and prove we can beat a team like Sweden, we need more. I am happy that we haven't conceded and I commend each of you for your efforts, but now is the time to keep pushing forward, and extend the lead." We all knew she was right. We needed to keep fighting for more, we shouldn't get settled. Sweden are a team that can come back in the final few minutes.
We went back out, and I looked at Leah. She was so focused on trying to keep the team pushing, that she hadn't taken her eyes off the ball before kick off. I wanted to go over to her, take her hand and calm her down. But I couldn't.
During the second half, it was again a tight tussle. Both teams knew they had a lot to play for. Both were guaranteed spots in the round of 16, but finishing top of the group would put either team in the best possible position.
As the game started, Sweden fought back. In the 49th minute, Blackstenius had the ball in the box, and I quickly ran over, to move the ball away from her feet. As she shot, I deflected it back out of the 16 yard, but I fell. I landed on my back. I lay, very still, on the ground, trying to regain my breath. I was clearly winded. But it wasn't anything I had experienced before. It was a combination of having the air bolted out of me, and my heart beating in overdrive.
"Ref!" Leah shouted, pointing to me. The ref blew her whistle, and the medics came out.
"Are you okay, Juliette?" Our team doctor said to me. I nodded, not able to talk as no air was in my lungs. Leah kneeled beside me, holding my hand, as I quickly tried to breathe in air.
"Are you alright?" Leah said, once I had managed to control my breathing.
"Yeah," I replied, "just winded."
"Jeez, Ett, you scared me," Leah replied, standing up and going over to the girls. Once she had gone, I closed my eyes, trying to not feel the pain in my chest.
"Juliette, I need you to talk to me," the doctor said, "have you regained your breathing?"
"Yeah," I replied, "I just landed on my back and the wind leapt out of me." I laughed, but the doctor didn't.
"You're going to need to come off, so I can assess you."
"That's really not necessary," I argued.
"Juliette, with your history, it is definitely necessary." I knew not to argue. I went obligingly off the pitch, and into the medics room. I didn't want to miss out on the game, but there was no denying I wasn't going to be allowed back on.
"Is your heart okay?" The team doctor asked.
"Yes," I replied, "like I told you, I just got a little winded."
"Ok," the doctor replied, "you can go back to the bench." I got up, seemingly annoyed, and went back to the team. I knew the doctor was only trying to do his job, and I knew I wasn't helping him. But it was frustrating, I could've gone back on if only I hadn't stayed down too long. Why did I do this to myself?
"Are you alright?" Alex asked me, as I sat beside her.
"Yeah," I replied, "just got a little winded."
"You saved that goal, so good job," Chloe added. I smiled at her. I hated this, being on the bench. I had played two full games before this, and was ready to play five more. But, it did feel good. The rest was nice. My heart was calming down, and I knew it could be beneficial. It might've been for the best.
In the 76th minute, Sweden scored. A corner was headed in by Magda, and that was frustrating. We had been so good, but obviously not good enough.
The game ended in a 1-1 draw. Thankfully, due to goal difference, we finished top of the group. We were set to play Austria.
I went onto the pitch after the match, and Keira came up to me.
"Are you alright!" She asked, frantically.
"I literally just got winded!" I said, reassuringly.
"Why did you go into the medics room then?"
"Because sometimes I get treated like fucking glass that people think is going to break every two seconds," I answered, annoyed.
"Ett, don't get all angry. People are just trying to look out for you," Keira answered. I brought Keira in closer, and whispered into her ear.
"The only reason they scored is because no one was marking Magda. The first thing I would've done was made sure that Magda was nowhere near that ball."
"Ett-"
"No, Keira, it's just frustrating when I knew the game could've turned out differently."
"In the end, we finished top of the group and that's all that matters." I knew Keira was right, but it was still annoying.
I saw Magda, and went up to her, hugging her.
"You were great," I said.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah, just precautionary," I replied.
"You sure? We need you all good for when the season starts," she answered.
"I promise, I'm all good." Magda is a kind soul, who always looked out for me. She's an amazing captain for both club and country, and I am always proud when she performs well. It was only annoying that she had to score this time around.
When we got back to the hotel room, later that evening, I had a text, from Indi.
Indi: hey, saw you went down. You all good?
Ettie: yeah, im fine. Just precautionary. Heard your next game is in perth? Sam must be happy
Indi: yeah, her home town, so shes excited. And you're going to sydney?
Ettie: yeah, playing Austria. Any good spots to visit?
Indi: im all for missing the touristy places and going to where the local like. My favourite spot is georges heights, great view of the city. Defs recommend, also go to newtown and see all the cute vintage stores
Ettie: ooo i might take leah there.
Indi: i went with jill the other day and she loved it
Ettie: so you guys are talking again?
Indi: kinda, its pretty complicated at the moment
Ettie: well, im sure you guys will sort it out. You're inevitable
Indi: yeah, i guess we are
We headed to Sydney the following day, and as I sat on the plane, all I could think about was winning. I know sometimes I prioritise the team over me, but who doesn't? I don't want anything more for the girls than a tournament win, even if it is the last thing I do.
We had a day off in Sydney, before our game against Austria.
"Got any plans for today?" Georgia asked me, as we lay in our hotel room beds.
"Yeah, Indi gave me a few places to go to, so I might take Leah to them," I replied.
"Cute little date," she added.
"Feeling left out?" I joked.
"No, of course not," Georgia answered, sarcastically.
I knocked on Leah's hotel room door, and as she opened it, she grinned widely.
"Hey," I said, walking on.
"Hi," she replied.
"Got any plans today?" I asked her.
"I meant to be in meetings all day," Leah answered, reluctantly.
"Oh," I replied, frowning, "that's okay. Comes with the territory of dating the captain." I wrapped my arms around her neck, and gave her a sweet kiss before leaving. When I got out of her hotel room, I stopped in the hallway, leaning against the wall. Why was I so excited to spend the day with her? Maybe I thought it was a good way to tell her. Maybe it was because I wanted to open up to her about everything.
All the girls had already left by the time I went down to the lobby, but I knew I wasn't going to let this day go to waste.
I looked back on my messages with Indi, and wrote down the places she recommended. I headed to Newtown. As I walked down the main street, it was bustling with life. Pride flags were printed across sign boards, and small stalls were set up on the side of the road. I went into one of the vintage stores, and spent hours looking through the books.
I picked up a copy of one of my favourites - Little Women. When I looked inside, there was an inscription.
To my darling Diane,
Our love shines brighter than the stars above.
Love yours, J.N.
As I read the inscription, I could only think about how strong a love that must've been. For a love to shine so bright that no one could falter it. No one could ignore it. To be so completely and utterly entranced by one person is something so powerful. So strong.
"So beautiful," I said to myself, reading the inscription again. I've felt love, there is no denying that. I've had two great loves in my life - Hayley and Leah. Both of which are their own unique love story. Sometimes I feel like my life is a book, and each time something significant happens, it's a new plot in the story. It's hard to think like that, but sometimes I which my life was smooth sailing. I wish it wasn't interesting enough to be seen as a novel. I wish I had grown up, played football, found my one great love, and then retired. None of this abuse, none of this heart crap, and none of this bulimia. I wish it was smooth. I wish it was fluid. But, as Hayley reminded me, not everyone gets a good wrap.
After spending most of the afternoon in Newtown, I hopped on a bus and headed across the harbour. I saw the bridge, and Opera House, and travelled through the Lower North Shore to the lookout Indi had suggested.
I got off the bus, and walked down the path. As I stood looking out at the harbour, I could soon realise why this was Indi's favourite spot.
Ettie: it's beautiful here. I love it
Indi: you at georges heights?
Ettie: yeah, its amazing
Indi: it has a lot of history too, give it a read, you might enjoy
I discovered that this lookout used to be a military fortress, with tunnels running underneath my feet. It was an interesting part of history. I would never have known to come to one of Sydney's best lookouts if I hadn't talked to Indi.
I stayed at the lookout until the stars appeared. I lay on the concrete, staring back at the stars. I loved looking at the stars. Something about them brings me peace. Brings me serenity.
Behind me, I heard a car door shut and someone was walking towards me.
"Ettie!" I heard someone call out. I quickly sat up and turned around. It was Leah.
"Lee?" I asked. The figure came towards me, and I stood up. "How'd you know I was here?" I asked.
"I checked your location," she replied.
"Right," I answered.
"What are you doing here?" she asked.
"Indi recommended it," I answered.
"Oh, I remember her telling me about this," Leah then said, sitting on the ground, "she used to come here with her Dad. They loved looking at the stars and telling each other stories."
"Poor Indi," I added, "I couldn't imagine not having my Dad anymore."
"Yeah, I know," she added.
"I'm sorry I couldn't spend today with you," Leah then said, as we lay looking up at the stars.
"That's okay, you had work."
"I know, but I really did want to spend time with you."
"It's okay," I repeated.
"Lee?" I said, after a little while.
"Yeah?"
"Do you see me as broken?" I asked.
"What? No, of course not."
"Then why does everyone treat me like a fragile flower?"
"I don't think anyone does," Leah added.
"Don't gaslight me," I replied.
"Ett, I don't know where you're coming from." I could feel her looking at me, but I still stared at the stars, not wanting to lock eyes.
"People think I'm fragile. That I am easy to break. Heck, even I think that."
"You're not," Leah added, "I know you're not. You're stronger than you even realise."
"But I'm not."
"Yeah you are."
"No! I am not!" I started to get angry. Leah doesn't know, and I knew I should tell her. "Leah, I've been broken since I was 16. I've been broke since that first time we hooked up in camp. It wasn't your fault, it was mine but you can't seriously sit there and say I'm not. I'm the most fucked up person you will ever meet, and I am so sick of people lying to my face and saying I'm not!" Leah didn't reply. I stood up, and walked down to the rocks that overhang the water.
"ETTIE! Get away from the edge," Leah said.
"I'm not going to jump," I replied back. She quickly hurried over to me, pulling my arm away.
"Where has all this come from?" she asked, "why are you suddenly mad?"
"I'm not mad," I answered, "I'm just tired of all this shit."
"What shit?"
"I don't know how to say it."
"Then try."
I looked at her, then quickly looked away. I felt my hands run through my hair, as I walked back to the concrete. I sat on the bench, and just stared at the sparkling lights across the water.
"My twelve months is up," I said to her, "I'm not going to play anymore once this tournament is finished."
"Why? I thought you were okay."
"Well, I just don't think it's safe."
"But-"
"No, Leah, no 'buts'. I have made my decision." I knew I needed to be firm. I didn't want to tell her that my heart had been acting up, but I also knew I needed to tell her that I was finished after the tournament. I had to lie. I had to tell her I no longer enjoyed the game I loved most.
"But, why would you stop if you can play?"
"I just don't love it anymore." I lied. Of course I love it. Sometimes I think I love it more than life.
"I don't know where this is coming from," Leah said.
"Coming from me. I am trying to make my own choices in this world, Lee, and I need you to support me.
"What are you going to do?" She asked.
"Not sure yet, maybe look at coaching."
"Ettie, I'm not sure how to feel."
"I need to start a new chapter," I said, earnestly, "get away from my past. Start fresh."
"I understand that but-"
"No, Leah! You need to listen to me. Hear what I am saying."
"Okay," she answered.
"I need to get away from this life," I said, "I need to get away from it all. I love football, but I can't play it, not anymore."
"Ok."
"Ok?"
"It's your decision," she said, "but I can't say I support it." She got up and walked away.
We caught a taxi home, but didn't talk. I knew she was angry. Very angry. I wanted to tell her the truth, but if I did, my chances of playing in the finals would significantly decrease. If only she wasn't captain.
note:
- another long chapter lol hope u enjoy xx
- let me know your thoughts/predictions.
- also let me know if u recognised any of the hidden messages/references, I'm interested to see