"A-Ah-! What I meant was... You're completely different from normal people like me... or Miyacchi, for example," she clarified.
"What do you mean by different?" I tilted my head.
"Well, you're really smart and athletic. You're super strong, too."
"Ohh... I mean, Hirata's the same, right? Kouenji, too. And I'm sure there are some students in other classes who are like me. Not to mention the higher years," I mused.
"You're right... You're right but, there's just something about you that..." Haruka can't seem to articulate her thoughts. "It's like you're... more mysterious than anyone else-- like you're still holding back..."
Is that something noticeable? It must be my demeanor if anything else.
"I see... I think you're just talking about my negative traits, Haruka. For example, I don't like talking about myself and I'm not that great at making casual conversations, so I might give the impression of aloofness and mystery. I also don't look motivated when doing anything, so it feels like I'm still holding back... And because I'm your friend, you might just be romanticizing those negative traits into something positive, which is understandable," I explained.
I ruthlessly rationalized Haruka's romanticism.
This might be what Chabashira-sensei was saying. My excuse right now was pretty reasonable, but it would only work on the people I'm close with, like Haruka.
"That's... You might be right... You're probably right... But somehow, I just get this feeling that--... It's like you're... unfathomable," she said, with a serious expression. "I'm sure Miyacchi, Airi, Kencchin, and everyone in Class B have already sensed it. Sure, there are a lot of exceptional students in this school, but you give off a different kind of 'exceptional' vibe."
"Is that so...? Well, I can't understand it myself. My perspective is distinctly different from everyone else's, after all."
"It's pretty weird though. You were popular in your younger years, right? Especially since you're a foreigner in America," she said.
I knew it would come to this...
"No... I didn't really have any friends."
"Eh?! Like, zero? I thought you were just exaggerating!"
I nod.
"Were you not showing your abilities back then like you're doing now, or something?"
"I guess so. I didn't really take school too seriously, so everyone left me alone. I had a pretty peaceful school life."
"You're a weirdo. You would've been extremely popular!" She comedically reprimanded me.
"Well, I didn't really know how to talk with people back then," I explained. "I just forced myself to socialize with others in this school. Even if I liked solitude, I can't possibly ascend to the higher classes without associating myself with you guys."
"Ohh... I see... That makes sense..."
It was better to say that I really had no friends back then. It would make the conversation more manageable. In the end, I had no choice but to be vague. However, my explanations should satisfy Haruka's curiosity.
"Why'd you wanna talk about all this?" I asked.
"Ah- Eh... That's... I just wanted to know you more, I guess." Haruka scratched her head. "Hahaha..."
That's fair. I already know so much about her, after all. That goes for most of my friends, like Matsushita or Karuizawa. Meanwhile, I haven't really talked about myself that much-- for obvious reasons, of course.
I stared at her in silence. Because of this, Haruka panicked and tried to change the topic.
"By the way, Kiyopon!" she said. "You call Kushida-san by her first name now, huh? When did that start?"
"Ah, if I remember correctly, we agreed to call each other by our first names on Friday."
"I see, hahaha, I guess that's understandable. She's your best friend, after all!" Haruka said with a grin.
"I don't know if you can call us best friends, though. We're not even in the same friend group, right? But you can probably call her the closest girl to me," I said.
I thought it'd help Kikyou if I reinforced her claim. But then again, it's not like Haruka can spread my words to the other girls in the class apart from Airi.
"The closest... girl..." Haruka muttered. "I see! Well, isn't that great?"
The Haruka I know would probably bite back with something like; "Ohoho. You actually have the gall to say that I'm not the closest girl to you? Aren't you getting full of yourself, Kiyopon?". But then again, this is one of the rare times where Haruka and I get to be alone together. Maybe she acts a bit differently when we're with the rest of the group.
"Well, enough about me. How about you? Did you have a lot of friends in middle school?"
Haruka blinked like a spell that was binding her suddenly got lifted.
"Oh! Fufun~, of course, I did. To be honest, I would've done the same here, but I don't really feel like getting close with some of the girls in our class," she laughed bitterly. "I love Airi, though!"
"I see." I get that Haruka wasn't fond of Karuizawa and her friends, but I wonder why she didn't want to be closer with Kikyou. Well, the two of them seem very friendly with each other in class, so I guess it's fine.
"Uhm, Kiyopon." Before I could ask my next question, Haruka suddenly faced me with a very serious expression.
"Yeah?"
"This would've been more fun if the rest of our friends are here, but I really wanted to ask you now," she said. "Do you... have a crush on anyone?"
"Hmm... No, I don't think so. We've talked about this before, right?"
"Well... You've got girls like Kushida-san who are very close to you, and it seems like you're good friends with Ichinose-san from Class C, too. I was sure that you'd at least come to like one of them," she explained. "I thought you were just too shy to say anything back then, so I didn't really believe you."
"I do find a lot of girls attractive, but I don't think I'm fit to be in a relationship just yet. And it's not like any of them would be interested in me," I said.
"Do you seriously think that? I'll punch you." Haruka glared at me while raising a closed fist.
"I get that my athleticism and academic abilities can attract people, but once they get to know me, they'd probably get bored."
That's right... Once the mystery is over, the show ends. What they'll get is an unexciting, dry slate of a guy. Some might get close enough to discover the wall between me and my inner self, but whether they can bust through that wall is another matter.
I sincerely hope that I can connect with someone deeply and truthfully... Maybe... Someday...
"Why... would you say something like that about yourself?"
"Don't worry, I'm not saying this to earn any sort of pity from others. I'm not upset or sad about it. My dull personality is just something that I'm aware of. If I were as good as Hirata or Ike in making conversations, then I'd probably feel more confident with myself in that regard," I said. "But it's not like I'm not satisfied with who I am now. I'm quite happy with my current self. And besides, I made good friends like you guys."
Those words were meant to ground me. I wanted to appear normal and relatable-- someone who has his own worries and troubles. That said, they were also very true.
"So you're saying that you're just a normal guy, like Kencchin and Miyacchi?"
"Probably. I'm not really any different from anyone-- at least I don't think so," I shrugged. "Ken would beat me in any ball sport, and I aspire to have Akito's demeanor. And those two's street knowledge is something I want to learn, as well. In the end, some people are just better at different things."
Hearing my words, Haruka smiled just widened.
"I see, I've learned a lot about you today, Kiyopon," she said as she stood from my bed.
"You're going?"
"Yep~!"
"That's not fair, though. I didn't learn anything about you," I said.
"There's always next time, Kiyopon~! We'll be together for a very long time, after all." Haruka ran to the door. "Bye!"
"Good... bye?" I didn't even get to respond.
What was that, all of a sudden?
After sitting on my bed, I took the time to reflect on myself.
What am I, even?
Personally, I never thought of myself as someone who's "interesting". If I was open about my past, and if I acted true to what my inner thoughts were thinking, then I'd just scare everyone away. So I discarded all of that and decided to hide them. But what's left of me, then? Am I not just a capable yet boring guy with a monotone way of speaking?
I'm able to create a completely new personality for myself, but everyone would just find it weird at this point. I've already made up my mind to stick with my real "personality" if I can even call it one.
That man and that room stripped away my humanity. I don't even know if I'm capable of smiling or laughing genuinely. Cold? Calculating? Cunning? I never asked for any of that. I never asked to be any of that. But I'm also aware that someone who's the complete opposite of me might be wishing for the things that I have.
It's just the nature of humans, I guess. You would always crave the things you don't possess.