Lia
Clévon and I walk out of the art building laughing about what just happened. We presented our posters today and everyone's looked incredible. Clévon's was so unique and mesmerizing...except he made a major spelling error and let's just say the class had a hard time trying to keep their tears at bay from laughing.
"Either I'm dyslexic or I need eyeglasses, but I'm gonna go buy some new eyes now," he hugs me as he mumbles and then lets me go, "Or, get checked into a mental institution."
He leaves me laughing and my smile widens when I catch Xavier waiting for me by the weeping willow tree near the art building. My heart flutters with elation at the sight of him and I can't stop myself from running up to him and throwing my arms around him.
"Hey." I beam up at him and he smiles back but it's guarded.
Frustration tightens my chest.
Another day...
"Who was that?" Xavier steps out of my arms a little and nods his head towards where Clévon walked off.
My smile fades a little but I keep my mood light.
"Oh, that's Clévon, he's a friend from class."
Xavier nods but his jaw is tight and his eyes are hard with annoyance.
"What's wrong?" I ask, a little nervous with the way he's acting right now.
"Nothing." Xavier shakes his head and without holding my hand, he turns around and starts walking.
And he knows I'll follow him.
"Hey, what's wrong?" I grab onto his wrist to stop him and step in front of him, my eyes flickering between his in worry and a little frustration, "You know you can tell me anything."
Xavier tugs his wrist out of my hold, looks away whilst clenching his jaw before staring at me. His eyes dark with anger.
"Why the fuck was he touching you?" Xavier bites out.
My brows furrow, my chest tightening with unease.
"What?"
"He can't be touching you like that. If he's gonna be putting his hands up all over you like that you can't be fucking friends with him." Xavier glares at me, a wicked snarl curled on his mouth.
His words leave me speechless.
This idiot. I could tell him that he has nothing to worry about, that Clévon is engaged but I doubt that's going to make any difference. And besides, he can't talk to me like that.
He has never been this possessive over me and he knows I don't like that stuff so to hear him say those words creates an ache in my chest. But anger overwhelms me as the emotions from the past few days catch up on me and drown me in their pool of frustration.
"Excuse me? Says who?" with fire in my eyes, I stare up at him, "Last time I checked, you're not my dad, Xavier. You can't tell me what to do."
The air between us charges with intense animosity and maddening exasperation and a little lust. There's always lust between us.
"The fuck I can," Xavier steps closer to me until our lips are a breath away, "Nobody gets to touch you except me, how hard is that to fucking understand? Are you that fucking stupid?"
His words sting.
Tears pool my eyes but I blink them back because if there's anything he doesn't deserve of me is my tears.
He called me stupid...
I don't know what the fuck has been going on with him for the past few days but if he's going to be treating me like a body to warm his bed then I'm not going to stand idle and be his punching bag.
With one last look into his eyes, I twirl around and walk away.
Every time I've asked him to talk to me about what's bothering him, he shuts me up with kisses and fucks me as if that's the only thing I'm good at for him. I feel so...used when he does that. He completely blocks me out, saying barely anything to me, and leaves me worrying about him. It's as if I'm not worthy enough for him to confide in me.
I love Xavier and all I want is him to be happy. I want him to seek comfort in me. We've been so great these past couple of months, lost in each other, that this just feels like a kick to my nonexistent nuts. I understand some things are difficult to talk about but he doesn't even tell me that he doesn't want to talk about it, he just tells me it's nothing and proceeds to sulk like a big baby and be someone who is not my Xavier.
I don't want to push him to talk about something he doesn't want to but if he's being this cold-hearted jerk that only pays attention to me when he wants to fuck me then I don't want to be around him until he figures his shit out. I know my worth and if he's not going to treat me right—even if I love him more than my life—then we're going on a break.
A big, huge, ginormous break where I make a voodoo doll of him and prick his dick with needles. Cut out his head out of all our photos together and replace them with Taeyong.
Ugh.
"Fuck," Xavier regretfully groans, "Baby, wait."
I feel him grab my hand and stop me but I try to wriggle out of his grip.
"Get off me."
I'm tired and hungry and just want my boyfriend, who caresses my hair as I lay on his chest back.
He pulls me into him but I just push him away.
"Baby, I'm sorry, please just—"
"Just what, Xavier?" exasperatedly, I stare up at him, sadness, yearning, and frustration making my eyes water, "For the past three days you've been...cold. You've barely talked to me. When I ask you what's wrong, you whisper sweet nothings and fuck me to shut me up. And now that I'm so freaking worried about you, you lash out at me. I love you but I am not gonna let you treat me like this so fuck you."
With that I turn back around and walk away but again, he rushes up to me and blocks my path.
"No, no. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, Lia," he cradles my cheeks and stares into my eyes with remorse, adoration, and fear, "I didn't mean to snap at you like that. I'm so, so sorry, baby."
"You can't treat me like that, Xavier you have to understand, it's not right." I say to him, feeling my anger slowly fading away.
"I know and I'm sorry. So, so, so fucking sorry. I love you and I respect you. I just..." Xavier sighs, looking so anxious.
I've never seen him like this before. He's always so confident and knows what he wants so this is making me apprehensive.
"What's wrong?" My voice is softer as I step into him and caress his cheek.
He might get on my nerves but I love him. And fights are natural in a relationship. They can be solved if the people involved communicate healthily and with honesty.
Xavier grabs my hand and drags us both to a bench under the weeping willow tree. The afternoon sun is warm and the campus is animated with students.
"You know how I told you that Viini's dad owns the racetrack?" He starts by saying, keeping our hands locked together and on his lap.
"Yeah."
"And we snuck in."
"Yeah..." Nervously, I whisper.
"He saw us through the security cameras."
My eyes widen as fear and panic grab onto my sanity.
"Oh my god! Are we in trouble? Oh my god, of course, we're in trouble. We snuck in, we trespassed. Oh my god, oh my god. I'm going to prison. I'll be in prison sharing a cell with a woman called Miss Daisy except she's the total opposite of her name and has arms as big as The freaking Rock and she's going to wring me like a washcloth. Oh my god, I'm gonna die in prison, I can't die, I'm too young, I—"
Xavier kisses me to shut me up.
Then he pulls away with a light smile.
"Fuck, the way you can make me smile just by your weird fucking rambling." He caresses my hair.
My cheeks blush and my heart flutters at his words.
"We're not in trouble," Xavier reassures me as he tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear, staring into my eyes as they're the most fascinating painting in the world, "Viini's dad saw me race around the track, under 30 seconds and I guess he saw the potential in me so he's called me over for a test race. But there's going to be sponsors there and if they like me, they'll sign me to a contract and I'll get to do what I've always wanted to do."
It takes me a moment to comprehend his words because his eyes have me hypnotized. But when they finally soak into my stupid brain, my eyes round with amazement, and a bright smile tugs on my mouth.
"Baby, that is incredible. I'm so happy for you!" I peck his cheek, "But what are you so worried about?"
I wonder what he could be worried about that got him so distant and cold with me but there are a million things in my head. As always.
Xavier looks down at our connected hands, his thumb grazing over my ring finger. Then he looks up at me with so much nervousness like I've never seen before.
It's almost adorable.
"What if I crush it?" Xavier whispers and my heart clenches at the utter vulnerability of his anxiousness.
So, this is why he's been so cold...
God, he's perfect.
He's this cocky, mischievous, brooding man but he's not afraid of being compassionate. He's not afraid to expose his emotions to me and I cannot be more honored to have that trust of his.
I move my palm up to cradle his cheek, staring into his eyes with love and encouragement.
"You're not going to crush it. You have an incredible ability to race faster than freaking Lightning McQueen," I playfully say and he grins, my eyes and smile mellow into a warm expression, "You're going to be amazing and I know they're going to sign you on. I believe in you. And I know you believe in yourself because you've never let anything stop you from getting want you want."
Xavier is a phenomenal racer—from the few times I've seen him race. His knowledge of how to handle his car and how to control his speed is fascinating. There is no doubt in my heart and mind that he will ace this race. He's already the best racer in the world for me.
And now I understand why he was acting so cold. Not saying that the way he treated me is right but I've been in that place before and it's almost like you can't stop yourself from shutting every other emotion and everyone around. It's a toxic way of handling anxiety but it's a way that some people deal with it so I have no right to judge him because I'm guilty of doing it myself.
Blair is always shutting down whenever the stress gets to her but Nolee and I give her space but we constantly make sure she's okay. It's good to reassure and check up on that person because it gives them a sense of comfort and allows them to gain the confidence to speak about their troubles.
"I love you." Xavier whispers against my lips before taking them in a sweet, yearning kiss.
"I love you, too." I smile at him, wandering my eyes over his features.
He's so heartbreakingly gorgeous that it makes me want to cry.
"I'm sorry." He apologizes with soft eyes.
"I forgive you." I ruffle his hair which makes him laugh and we go back to kissing and holding each other as we sit under the weeping willow and talk about his upcoming race and my art project.
I've missed him these past few days. I've missed his tender caresses, his sweet kisses, and his adorable smiles.
I've missed my Xavier.