Jin
'Leave me! Stop!' i was surprised at my own tone. I didn't care if anyone else did as well, but I had to find a place to park my ass. Standing felt like hardship. But Taehyung's hand moved to loop around my shoulder, forcefully holding me in place. 'Jin-ah, a few more ste-' he insisted.
'NO! You walk!' How is his grip so tight? He froze in place, scanning my face intently. The moment he let go, i rushed to the nearest chair. He sighed, i know i know. I am not actually in pain or hurting. But i am exhausted. In my defence, i just finished a long shoot. Walking and standing for two out of three hours. 'Ba-' i turned to him, absolutely scandalised. 'Sorry, but you need to walk a little more!' Not on set. Not our set and definitely not on a fashion shoot in Korea. WE DO NOT CALL EACH OTHER BABY. It was bad enough that he refused to let go of me, now more than ever. 'You missed rehab yesterday, and now today as well.'
'Rehab can wait.' I hated that stupid Rehab centre. They always made me exercise for hours. Without Taehyung.
'Jin-ah, these are just commercial shoots. They can be rescheduled!' Does he now know me? Where is this coming from? He kneeled down, hands curling in mine. Warmth course through my tired heart. He was wearing his ring. On the set.
'Come now! You are the one who promised Eommoni. How will you dance with her at this rate?!' fuzzy feeling gone! Disappeared. He was getting on my nerves now. And i knew why. The hope in his eyes, daunting. Daring me to expect it from me!
'NO! I am tired!' i jerked his grip. Turning my head stubbornly. To look at anything but his eyes.
'Alright. In a few minutes then, i am staying right her-'
I SAID NO!' He was startled. So did the staff approaching him. Since he was kneeling on his toes, he lost balance when i pushed him with the unexpected force. Throwing him off balance. But its not my fault! What part of 'I am tired' does he not understand?! I can't meet his expectations, ok! I am scared of getting addicted to this endless hope of his. 'GO!' the staff flinched again. Poor girl. My tone was inconsiderably harsh.
He brushed me off. Walking away with the staff. My jaw clenched to watch him treat me like nothing. Even if i pushed him to. This! This is my fear. Just when my thoughts were spiralling, my eyes stung with unnecessary strain. I was gazing at the van without blinking. His fingers crawled back in my hand, to entwine. He had come back with a chair to sit next to me. Reassuring me of his presence, while the staff worked on his makeup. Guilt crushed me, he was just trying to help! Why did you have to be so harsh? The poor thing endured it all. I was irritated with myself. After six months of rehab i was still just starting to walk. Don't get me wrong. I have come a long way. And i love my husband for supporting me throughout. But when i see other artists breaking records, releasing music albums. I tend to murder my spirits . And Taehyung becomes the sole witness to it. He is always rescuing me. But then on some occasions, he runs low on tolerance. Ken once said to me, that one of these days i will snap Taehyung so hard he won't bounce back. He is human after all.
And I got a taste of this in exactly two weeks. With the upcoming concert, rehearsals had started. I was already demotivated with all my solos scrapped on stage. Atleast the recordings went well, but then PD-nim added onto my fears. All of my stage presence was scrapped by sitting me on a mechanical chair for the entire thing. All those painful practises were in vain. So on a bright Monday of August morning, two months before the concert, i arrived at the company with a fruit basket to bribe PD-nim. Taehyung was unaware and a bit over-occupied with his extra rehearsals for vocals, the poor thing was so stressed he couldn't focus on vocal exercises. I decided to hang out with some of the members learning solos on the third floor. Somehow, Jungkook's teasing stirred the child in me. I wanted to catch him and make him suffer. But the boy ran so fast and my poor, still enduring lungs couldn't keep up. He caught me to indicate his victory but I struggled out of his hold gasping for air flat on the floor. My vision blurred from the sudden lack of oxygen. I could hear the music stop, and a murmur amongst the audience. But the loudest of them, Jungkook was panicking. Fortunately or unfortunately, I saw a familiar figure in the mirror rushing towards me. 'MOVE BACK!' Taehyung's voice boomed in the room. Everyone, including Jungkook shut up and stepped away from me. His arms wrapped around me quickly just in the right places to lean me against the wall. 'Jin-ah, breathe, one....two...three...' he continued counting and my lungs followed, air came back in my body. I chuckled at him, he just knew my body so well. But instead his frown only grew deeper. Nobody spoke as my vision cleared and I found the reahearsals had stopped, people were staring at us. And the worst, Taehyung's face was screaming terror as he clutched the phone tighter. 'Hello Aboji!' he sighed, sharing a look with Sejin. After a brief update to my parents, he helped me walk, not letting anyone but Sejin Hyung shoulder my other half. The reason for his expression a few minutes ago was, Sejin Hyung had suggested taking me home even if he wanted to send me to the hospital. But he had stay back, his schedule was tight and he wasn't happy about me, alone, home. Hence, the summon for my parents. He still looked worried waving a goodbye in the garage.
And like I had anticipated, my mother had guessed and my father had warned, he was fuming when he came back home in the evening. But remained silent, for we had guests. All of that unwound in the privacy of our room.
'You shouldn't have, Jin-ah!' He yelled the moment I walked closed our bedroom door. 'What part of 'do not unnecessarily exert' do you not understand?' he stomped about and rushed into the washroom. He is very bad at eye contact when fuming and yelling. Because he cannot be mad otherwise, half the things he says are not meant to hurt me. 'Hmph! Jeon Jungkook should have known better' he mumbled to himself wiping the remains of makeup from his face.
'I was not exerting!' I whined, trying to pout at him. He briefly looked at me but shook his head. This usually works for him. In frustration I picked on the piling cotton swabs in the sink.
'Don't thrown them in the sink! You will block it again!' I nagged.
'Then why were you in pain? Just because you can sing now doesn't mean you can fly. Don't try to be unnecessarily brave, Seokjin-ah!' He warned me. I flinched at his tone, low and rational.
'I was just out of breath, ok? It's not a big deal. It happens sometimes.' I whined again, trying to convince the man that knew my Illness better than I did. But he didn't know my mind. I collected the cotton swabs that he didn't clean and threw them the dustbin as he changed in the closet. 'I miss playing with Kookie Besides I always feel bad about the way all the members and staff avoid me.' I appealed as I stripped to change. But turned to leave already, no scope to even hold his attention or seduce him.
'They avoid you because they you haven't healed completely yet. They understand as well, why can't you?! Do you want to sit in the chair for the rest of your life?!' he scolded me while closing his wardrobe with a thud, making me jump. 'What if he had hit you by mistake? Can you imagine the damage he would have caused? Why do you think all these days they kept a distance from you while rehearsing? Do you have any sense if Jungkook had even grabbed you in the ribs, you would have choked?!' he growled starting to leave. I hated the way his words got under my skin. But I have had enough, I tried with the good side.
'Enough Taehyung!' I sighed. Nothing serious happened after I got home. Appa and Eomma fussed over me, I slept the entire afternoon, ate a good meal while Taehyung called many times. Voila! I was walking again by the seven in the evening, and even greeted him at the corridor. But he was in the mood to unpack his pile from the entire day.
'Jungkookie didn't, did he?! I am standing on my feet right in front of you!' I growled back, not ready to take his shit anymore. My shield was up. He turned back from the closet door. He reached out to help me into my shirt, which would nullify the word I had just said. Stupid sleeves! Just co-operate, you stupid shirt! 'Stop!' I warned him and he did. I was losing context, QUICK QUICK! 'Just stop babying me in front of everyone, will you?!' his face went blank. Guarding up, i see. 'Everyone thinks i am so fucking vulnerable! ' still no reaction. Infact he shrugged and turned back to the bed 'I am talking to you!' Ah! how he gets to me when he behaves like this! He undid the bed to snuggle in 'Did you really have to yell at the style team for the jacket?! I could have told her that!' I don't know why, but i was absolutely bothered with the way she looked at me. A look of pity. Even in the chaos of backstage.
'Did you know how heavy it was? Your notes would have been affected during Truth Untold' he sat up, staring point blank at me. I know he is being rational. But I was all fired up. Pent up anger bubbling again.
'But it was meant for me! I would have told her!'
'Why didn't you say something before the dress rehearsal then?! Why wait till then?! See! Even Namjoon Hyung agreed with me' he crossed his arms. I wanted to scream. Because he was pointing out to my indecision. I chose to make a compromise. But yelling at the staff is still unacceptable. Especially on my behalf!
'I didn't want to make me an exception! I would have figured something out!' my voice coarse with the high tone.
'You wouldn't have! You would have suffered through it!' he whisper and yelled at me, blank face breaking in places. 'Lower your voice, will you? You will wake them up!' blood drained from my mind. I know he means well. But my brain was in a war mode.
'NO! I won't! Let them hear us! I don't care!' I was genuinely appalled. My feet refused to move to the bed. I kept staring back at him. Is this my Taehyung?!
'Can you stop being this dramatic?! It's done and gone, Jin. Nobody else complained about my yelling.' Does my complaint not matter?! Why is he so bothered with other people suddenly?!
'I am not being dramatic!' i stomped my feet. Proving my point 'This is how i speak!'
'Why won't you switch off the washroom lights?' he sighed, walking past me. 'They don't need to hear everything about us!' he spoke from the washroom. Can he not see how angry i am?!
I don't care!' i really don't. He meant Jimin and Jungkook, sleeping in our guest room. I had gone to the rehearsal room to celebrate Jungkook's release of the new song. Since it was interrupted, i called them over for dinner. After drinking a little too much, they decided to do the sleepover. But i didn't care at this point. Taehyung is more concerned about disturbing their sleep than dealing with my complaints. And my core twisted with the thought. Taehyung never cares for others when it comes to me. Then why does he now? 'Jungkook know me better than you do!' i yelled back at him, throwing the towel on the couch.
'Don-' he sighed. walking to pick up the towel 'The couch will stain at this rate' he grumbled to himself. Running a hand through his already dishevelled hair, messing them up further. I refused to budge from my spot.
'You are not married to Jungkook, he doesn't see your this!' he pointed at me. 'This fussy side' i felt disgusted with myself. Fussy?! What the actual fuck!! 'Just stop yelling, will you?!' He was getting riled up again. His fists clench tightly.
'Fussy?!' i repeated. Awfully struck by his words. 'Let them hear us! They need to hear how you treat me!' I spit back at him. He went pale momentarily, lips tightened in a thin line. Eyes dart around the room. With large steps, he shuffled to the bed, and picked up his pillow and the blanket.
'Where are you going?' i was heaving and yet alarmed to see him leave.
'I can't be around you when you are like this' he spoke stiffly before shutting the door, a little louder than necessary.
If the loud conversation did not wake them up, the door definitely would have.
In disbelief, i could not move from the spot. He just left. He never leaves our arguments midway. What does he mean he can't be around me? We are married, for fucksake! How dare he just leave?! After exhaustion took over me, i waddled to lay in the bed. But sleep did not come to me. Contemplating Taehyung's every word. Dramatic, fussy, loud, since when does he think I all this. How dare he attack my self-esteem? Does he want war? I will give him war!
Somewhere in my anger, my mind must have decided to switch off. I woke up the next morning, only to hear the closet door bang. It was intentional. The clock struck nine and i was still in bed. I saw his shadow exiting the closet. But had no energy to continue our fight. After he had left the room, i ran through the room. Fuck! I was so late!
I refused to acknowledge his presence or the lovely plate of breakfast he had served me. Wishing the other three men, good morning. I noticed Jimin and Jungkook exchange looks. They must have heard us fighting. But I could care less. I was hungry. But eating from Taehyung's plate would mean I am desperate. He should apologise. But he was in no mood to budge. This was refreshing and hurtful. He left, scrapping his chair intentionally harder. The two plates of breakfast were abandoned. I felt a pang of guilt. He will be hungry all morning now. But my mind crushed it. Refused to back down. Jungkook tried taking advantage of the moment. 'Don't interfere, Kook' was enough to shut him up. This was going to be some working Tuesday, i sighed.
Just like i thought, hangry Taehyung doesn't do well at work. He snapped and grumbled at the staff. Even the slightest delay was getting to his nerves. And he couldn't come to me either. I tried my best to lighten the mood. Ignoring his darting gazes. When i noticed one of the staff was on the verge of crying, after tending to his moody whims. I decided to give in. Requesting Sejin Hyung to get him Jajangmyeon. He had skipped lunch as well, just because i ordered lunch for everyone. Such a stubborn ass he is. A perfect match for me. But that doesn't mean i will forgive him. He made me doubt myself the entire night and still does. I am treading carefully, to ensure i don't cause anyone inconvenience. His words are still stuck in my thoughts. On a loop. Just when i was lost in a moment, my feet caught in the camera wires and I tripped forward. His arm coiled around my waist, holding me back up. I was glad for a moment. But grew annoyed when i saw the hand drop and followed his gaze. Glaring at the cameraman, who apologized profusely. The members were especially uncomfortable. Even if we're just sitting and rehearsing vocals, we usually exchanged suggestions on improvements. But today Taehyung passed on messages to me through Jimin. At one point Yoongi just sighed aloud 'Settle your arguments out and come please!' He was being stubborn, for the first time in the last 18 months. I should be relieved that he was owning his frustration. But this silent treatment of his doesn't sit well with me. I like it when we are sparring, but this monotonous silence of his reflects just how angry he is. But my own mind kept reminding me not to be bothered. He hurt my ego as well. Stay strong. But this silence lasted for the next three days. By Friday, there was a brief exchange with Baek-shi on holiday for the weekend. We strictly spoke of housework, food, and plans or updates. Much to my frustration, Taehyung continued to camp in the guest room. And now it was visible in my actions, as I nagged him extra for not cleaning up, vacuuming, or doing the laundry, and so on.
On Sunday morning, I broke down to PD-nim, begging to keep my solos even on the chair. I had worked hard. But I was also begging for something else. The final song, that I wanted to produce, was halted. This prolonged fight had taken a toll on my voice, it grew coarser again. PD-nim pulled the plug on recordings. And it defeated me. Taehyung must have heard of it. Despite the storm yesterday, there was a bowl of steaming Jeongal on the counter. At least he didn't go to bed hungry. Maybe I should wake him up and settle this, it was getting way out of hand. Or crawl in the bed with him. But he will scold me if I sleep on that mattress. He hates the guest room mattress as well. But no. He needs whatever sleep he can get. Flying makes him cranky. I ate up quickly and retired to bed, with eight alarms on standby. I knew I would regret not speaking with him. I have to explain myself or at least make sure my marriage is fine.
'Fuck!' my eyes flew open. It was past nine. I jumped out of the bed. Taehyung had switched off my alarms. I knew it! That brat! Baek-shi was startled to watch me waddle about the apartment. Mornings are still difficult, with the blood rushing from horizontal to vertical state. I felt lightheaded. Baek-shi nagged at me to stop running about. But Taehyung was gone.
'I know you messaged me not to cook breakfast, but Kim-shi was leaving so I made him a sandwich.' he offered, while I was ready to pull hair out of his scalp.
Fucking shit! He left without kissing me! He left ANGRY! How dumb can you be Seokjin-ahh? Aah! You idiot! Why did you have to say those things to him?! Now suffer! Like you can last like this for the next ten days! I dialed his number. But the call went blank. He must have boarded. Or just avoiding you. My last rational brain cells wake up in alarm. What if he is avoiding you? You did say it for a reason, you were angry! Then why are you chasing him now?! If he did bother, he would have at least kissed you goodbye. He just LEFT! My emotional side appealed though. But you will miss him. You hurt him. By now he should know how stubborn you are! This continued while I decided to get dressed for the day and sulked at the table. Then I remembered, that even if he was on board, he can always read my messages. But don't apologize! Not before he does! Not like this!
'Specs: left bag pocket' I sent the text. The amount of overthinking that went into these four words. It was not emotional, or apologetic. I am simply informing him. It was late last night when I noticed his carrier packed but specs were still on the nightstand. That struck me with another thought. Is he waiting for me to budge first? And instantly regretted the text. He should have left him to suffer. After the names, he called me! Why am I beating myself up? He deserved it! That's it, I won't reply or text until he responds.
And the response never came. I waited anxiously staring at my last text, for four days. The person that would reply in four seconds, left me to read for ninety six hours and then my phone beeped 'Thank you.' from Taehyung. I screamed silently frustrated with his silence. I could have thrown the phone at the wall when I heard muffled voices from the kitchen, the members were gathered in the dining room for a game night, except for Taehyung of course. I creeped up on Baek-shi in the pantry, explaining in an animated tone 'Yes! Yes! he took medicines and ate as well....' he turned to see me and paled. Fury flared through me, I grabbed his phone and flung it at the wall, he stared at me like I had lost some brain cells. The house phone blared catching everyone's attention and Baek-shi hesitated. Jungkook ran up to answer it and his tone dropped the moment he realised who it was and they hollered a call for Baek-shi. 'It's your grandson' Jungkook lied, how did I catch? Baek-shi was more nervous for the boy.
'I am sorry.' he mumbled before rushing away. I was fuming in the spot, four days! Four days to reply to me! He could have called me directly! I knew! Taehyung's way of soothing anxiety was to gorge in information, which he did through Baek-shi, Appa or the members. And he didn't mind it usually, Taehyung's way of soothing his concerns was to gorge on the information. But he didn't mind it as long as he got equally enough attention. Now it annoyed me. He was replacing me with these spies. How big is his ego that he cannot send a simple reply? How long was he going to sit on this? Well, two can play the game! I will put you through hell for this. I will make sure YOU slither back to ME, Kim Taehyung!
And by the next Monday, there was still no call. He really had some nerve. On Sunday night of the last week after the rehearsals, I heard Jungkook's voice in the washroom 'No, he didn't go today. Rehearsals-' I wanted to hit Jungkook so hard it would knock some sense in both of them. But the thought of Taehyung being the ass here came to light. Which idiot treats their partner like this?! One call! One text! That is all I am asking. I did text, right?! I even called him several times?! How big is his ego?! No! That's it! You will pay a price for this, Tae! Jungkook had almost dropped the phone in the sink when he saw me. Sheepishly barring his teeth.
Two weeks! He still didn't call me. It was during his own birthday party that Jungkook informed me, his tone mocking me, 'Tae didn't tell you?! His trip has been extended for another week!'
Forget a call, Taehyung didn't even text me this, it was already half a month now. Things were getting difficult, especially at night. We hadn't stayed apart for so long since getting married. And before that when we did go away for shoots for months, the phone was our best friend. Now with absolutely no communication, I was nervous. I felt very lonely, doing this for another week and who know how much longer. I miss him. BUT now the thought was replaced with revenge. I made a promise to myself. To stop crying over the situation. I will force his ass back here. By whatever means. And make him pay for putting me through this hell.
'Why didn't you go to rehab today? You missed it last week too.' Yoongi asked, three days after three weeks. That is over a month apart. And in the last 504 hours or 30 thousand seconds, he didn't even text me once. I craved to listen to his voice at least once. Honestly, I felt my body reduced to ashes. Even with my promise, I couldn't help but cry to sleep. What was the point of fighting this battle anymore? If my own husband won't bother to care for me. Such thoughts plagued my mind. I would manage to get into the fighting spirit in the morning. But then, the most daunting thought was, he will miss our first anniversary in four days.
'I am fine, Yoongi-yah! I will go next week.' Once Tae returns. I miss you, asshole. Why won't anyone tell him that? I noticed Yoongi simply nodded and walked off. Leaning on the wall, I saw him texting. He knew to whom. And in thirty seconds his phone buzzed.
'NEXT WEEK?! You are missing rehab again this week!?' his mother's voice blurted through the other end.
His chest hurt, how did he manage to rile up my mother in thirty seconds? And he is sitting with the phone in his hand. I felt a pang. 'Did you eat?' he didn't reply to my simple text from last week. Again on read.
'Eomma-'
'COME HOME RIGHT NOW!'
'Eomma! He called me so many things as well!' I whined, am I to resist my mother's orders? We sat in my brother's restaurant after the rehab session. It was especially painful today. But I blame Taehyung for this. He was not there outside the window with his boxy smile! 'He isn't even answering my calls! And ghosting me! His own husband! It's been a month, ma!!' her expression did not change. She didn't even flinch when I confronted her about being Taehyung's spy. My mother can be a very intimidating and determined woman sometimes.
'How dare he! How dare he call you those things?!' my brother climbed the anti-Taehyung train, ever so eagerly. The server was startled at his fist banging the wooden table. How does he not get hurt?
'Enough!' my mother, stern. 'Stop it, you two!' she shut us up, proudly supporting that idiot! 'You! You should not be the one to complain!' her chopsticks menacingly waving in my sight.
'How can you actually support him, Eomma? Even after all that I have been through?! And how stubborn can one be to leave an argument mid-way?! He didn't even wait for me. That stupid idiotic-' my tongue loose at the recollection. It was irritating ok! And so fucking confusing! I was running low on patience and had no more effort to put in. And he was still holding a wall up while dragging people away from my side.
'Kim Seokjin! Don't forget he is your husband!' she snapped. 'You are worse! Do you know how stubborn you are?! You actually scolded him in front of YOUR cousins at OUR house for helping YOU walk! Just put yourself in his shoes and imagine how embarrassing it must have been!' her rant did not end. But eyes burning with accusations. I had to look away. She was right. And I agreed. But I had not then! 'You would have sliced him raw if you were in his place!' Right again. My ears were burning with the blood rush. 'He cares for you! He always has and quite sincerely too. I don't know what happened between you two. But anyone can see his devotion to you. He will be the most affected if something happens to you again.' my head dropped. Her words articulated my thoughts. The ones I debated, in tears, every night since. 'but he is human after all. Both of you are just equally stubborn. But you can think, right? Or do you not love him anymore?!' it felt so painful. A stab at my heart. I had been down that rabbit hole. Never again. 'There is no place for ego and pride in a marriage, Jin-ah.' she then began scolding my brother for instigating me. But my thoughts trailed away. I wanted to see him. Now. Beg if necessary. I am coming to see you tomorrow, Voo.
A/N: Thank you for 1k readers! It means so much to me!
Keep praying for the three pillars of BTS to recover back to health.