"Dream." The sound of a crying man pulls my attention. He's stood behind me. When I take a glimpse of him I'm taken aback by his appearance. He's different. He's not... human. Except he is human. He just doesn't look the same as all of us. He's... unique?
The sniffles break my heart and I can only assume this is what heartache looks like. What a true broken soul looks like. What I would look like if I thought I had found a soulmate, and I hadn't.
"Ranboo." Clay gets up and walks over to the young man. Despite his young appearance his height towers even Clay's. Someone who seems much taller than the rest of us. "It's okay."
Clay pulls his friend into him. This Ranboo cries into his chest. It's the first tears I've seen. It's the first time I've seen sadness. Broken hearted sadness. It's sickening. I can actually feel my stomach churning at the man's pain. I don't want this pain.
This system rips people apart. None of this is okay. Just tell us who our soulmates are so we don't have to suffer. Don't allow us to make bonds we will lose eventually. This is literal, actual, hell they are putting us through. I can't go through whatever he is going through.
I look towards Nick not being able to handle the sorrow filling our space. I need the distance. "He's okay." Nick says softly, low enough so that no one can hear. "Tubbo was his best friend. He was like a brother in a world where siblings don't exist. It's hard losing people you become close with. The only person who is well enough to deal with the loss is Clay."
"Has he become numb to it all?" I question Nick. Not because I care but because I want to know if I'll become that way one day. Numb to the pain of it all. Numb to the lack of goodbye. Numb to the hell.
"He has to. It's why he tries not to get close. He keeps everyone an arms length away. He's more of a mentor and a helper. More than guides are. You having Q to help you is pure luck. Q learned all he knows from Clay. You have the best guide." Great. My guide is going to suck Clay off.
I don't want to hear about how great Clay is. How powerful he is. He is mature and wise. I get it. I just... don't want to deal with how inflated it makes his ego. He is no God. Though clearly he thinks he is.
After an uncountable amount of time Clay is still struggling to console Ranboo so George and Nick step in to help. It leaves me alone in the courtyard. It leaves me vulnerable for the first time since stepping out into this world. This is how I thought my first day would feel.
I decide to embrace the vulnerability instead of letting it swallow me whole. I stand up and walk away. I walk to Bluebell. I walk to the place I know can center my thoughts and guide me in the right direction. It led me to my name. I hoped it would lead me to my soulmate. Lead me somewhere that wasn't towards what I just witnessed.
The walk to Bluebell is quite congested. The pathways are full of people, things. Until I reach Bluebell. And then there's... no one. There isn't a body in sight. I am alone. It's just me... the bench... and the sea of flowers past the chain link fence.
I remember what Nick taught me about the cameras and walk toward the fence. I link my fingers between the metal chains as I look out towards the blue filled field. The field isn't just filled with hyacinths. It's filled with every blue flower imaginable. That means Nick specifically picked the hyacinth for me. There was significance. Importance even.
I keep my head forward as my eyes look back and forth between the cameras to either side of me. As they each turn on the swivel I reach down and pluck a blue hyacinth from its stem and twirl it between my thumb and index finger as I stand.
Bring color to a world of white.
It hits me like a brick. I take off. I take off running, pushing and shoving through the crowds of people and things. I run with one foot in front of the other. Until the air runs empty from my lungs. Until my feet stop before Ranboo. The man I only met today.
"Ranboo?" I say softly. His body still in the arms of Clay. Who still can't seem to comfort the man. He looks at me with tear stained cheeks.
"I'm sorry that today is not so great." I spin the hyacinth between my fingers behind my back as I speak. Courage. Have the courage. "I know it's not Tubbo. But it's a bit of bright in a world of dull."
I pull the flower out from behind my back as I reach for Ranboo's hand. He holds his palm face up as I place the flower gently into his hand. He sniffles as he pulls away from Clay to inspect the object in his palm.
"A flower?" He questions.
"A hyacinth." I smile as I look between Nick and Clay. "A flower just like this got me through my first day. It made the dreary world we live in feel a little more alive."
"Alive." Ranboo repeats. His tone more chipper. More alive. "Alive." He says again like his mind is stuck on repeat like a broken record.
Ranboo doesn't say another word. He just walks off studying the blue hyacinth. He was mesmerized by the simple bit of nature just as I had been. It's like it casts a spell of warmth upon you.
"Hyacinth, how did you get that?" Nick questions me sternly. Clay crosses his arms against his chest as if to be asking the same question himself.
"I—" I start but I know better than to respond. People are always listening. Always watching. I can't tell that here. The only safe space is the place that got me the flower. Nick and Clay both know that.
"Bluebell." The two boys say in unison.
"You're coming with me." Clay grabs my hand and pulls me away from his friends. We leave Nick and George behind. I look back but a glow catches between us before I can look at the boys we are drifting from.
He glows. His entire being is glowing. I look around to see if anyone else notices the glow. If anyone else can see what I'm seeing but there's no one staring. It's just me entranced by whatever the fuck is going on right now.
My hand begins to heat the longer his skin holds tightly against mine. The burn is different than that of Nick's. It's there like my skin is on fire, but it doesn't hurt. It doesn't distract. It makes me stare. Stare at the boy I'm supposed to hate.
Lost in the thoughts running through my mind, I don't even realize that Clay has been spewing out some monologue. "I'm sorry." I say amidst his talking. He stops us abruptly. I almost yank back and to the ground at the sudden stop.
"Do not speak when I am speaking! Were you even listening?" He growls. I shake my head. "You can't even do a simple task like fucking listening and Nick expects me to trust you?" He scoffs.
"I'm sorry, okay!" I exclaim as I stamp my foot to the ground. I feel like a child again. Never getting my way. Always getting yelled at by the stupid robot voice in my walls. It makes me feel... weak.
"You should be." Clay begins walking away, except this time he doesn't speak. He doesn't speak until we reach Bluebell. Please don't taint this land for me. I beg to whoever is listening because I don't want a place so wonderful to be broken for me.
"You can't just come here and act like you run this place." Clay says in a calm voice. Calm. This man being calm scares me. He scares me.
"I di—" I try to speak by Clay places his hand against my shoulder. My body heats like he's taking over my body with fire.
"Don't ever cross that fence again. You hear me?" He is serious. He is always serious but this was different. His tone is different. His demeanor is different. He is different.
"Don't ever cross that fence again." I repeat his words back to him. I can't take another second of his voice angered towards me.
"You realize that Ranboo isn't like us don't you?" Clay questions me. I do know this. But how am I supposed to answer his question? Am I supposed to be blunt and honest? "His tears bring pain. He isn't all human. His body rejects the touch of water upon his skin. It burns him. He feels physical pain. And you think walking up and giving him a flower is just going to heal all of that?" Clay questions me again.
I hesitate. I keep opening my mouth to speak but nothing ever leaves past my lips. I'm too scared to say a word. Did I really live in a magical world? We are only taught about humans. How was Ranboo... not one?
I finally speak after a good few minutes of silence between the two of us. "No." The word falls so simply but it didn't come easily.
"Well it sure seemed like you thought that. You are new here. You know nothing. You aren't me." I don't want to be you. I want to respond but I don't think it's wise to. I don't think it's worth jumping down his throat. I will let him win this battle. Some battles just aren't worth the fight. We have a grieving young man to worry about.
"I was just trying to help." I sigh. "Can I just go?" I look off toward the direction we came from when loud blaring sounds. It's the alarms to return to our rooms for the night. Today seems shorter than the day before. I want to see the sunset. Can't I just get to see something as beautiful as Bluebell again?
"Stay." Clay holds his hands against my body for a second before he runs off. Do I listen to a man I cannot trust? If I miss the curfew I'm screwed. I don't want to be locked away in my room. I need to be out here. I need to be helping.
I wait for a few minutes. He doesn't come back. No one comes back. The final warning alarm tolls and I stand up to retreat to my room when I feel the touch of a hand to my shoulder. My body doesn't ignite like I expect it to. But the hand doesn't touch my skin. My body can't ignite without skin to skin touch.
"You have to be safe out here." The voice is calm. It's the first real voice I heard. It's Nick's voice. Maybe Clay isn't all bad. "He didn't grill you too hard did he?"
I hold my finger to the air before I speak. "Don't ever cross that fence again." My tone mimics that of Clay's. I hear a chuckle fall from Nick's mouth. But I'm not saying it to be funny. I'm saying it because I must follow. I feel like Clay has connections and can take Bluebell away. And I can't lose Bluebell.
"Can I walk you to your room?" Nick asks as he holds his hand out for me to grasp. I lay my palm firmly against his as he closes his fingers around my hand.
The walk is quiet until we reach my door. It sounds like a gush of wind rushing as the automatic door slides open. "Time to read that stupid book and go to bed." I sigh as I go to step into my room.
"Don't let the book discourage you. It will help you. It will guide you." Nick peaks into my room. Breaking rules as always. The only person ever allowed to step inside your room is your guide. No person is ever allowed to see what's behind your door. There is a reason why your door is permanently locked while you're away.