The days after Beth dragged on. Clouded by an unspoken grief and overwhelmed with hunger and thirst, we walked in what we believed to be the path to Washington.
No one spoke of what happened, how could we? We were on a losing streak. Bob, Beth and then Tyreese. A trip to the suburbs gone wrong. And it only amplified the helplessness that was slowly creeping into everyone.
Each day, I would wake and see my own grief reflected in the faces of Maggie and Sasha. All three of us had lost siblings and all three of us didn't want to talk about it. There are no words that could encompass how it feels.
The lack of supplies didn't help our situation one bit. Without them, there might be even more grief coming our way.
"There's nothing here." Abby complained.
She looked around the looming forest trees, awaiting any possible threats, while I checked the ground for any sign of water nearby. We had divided into small pairs to search for water or food or both.
I frowned at the ground. "We have to make sure, Abby."
Even as I said it, I knew she was right. None of us have been successful and it was starting to show. But there was nothing I could do other than try.
"The group will either start to worry or leave without us if we stay here any longer." she argued.
Of all the arguments, she chose the wrong ones when it came to this discussion. As if though Dakota would let anyone leave us behind. They tried that with Merle, it didn't end well.
"Firstly, they wouldn't leave with us. Secondly, even if they had to, Daryl would be able to find us in his sleep."
Hell, I'd be impressed if Rick doesn't lead whole search parties for us in that scenario. Ever since Terminus, ever since the fall of the prison, he's been aggressively protective.
Not that I was complaining, but it brought out a different side of him. One that's not necessarily beneficial for his or the group's mental state.
Abby turned abruptly to face me with a scowl on her face. "Why are you stalling, Jo? I've known you my whole life, I know when you're trying to be clever but failing."
I hesitated before getting up and looking her straight in the face. This was proving to be more nerve-wracking than I anticipated. I used to be able to talk to her about anything.
Now I just feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. A very snarky wall, but still.
"I think we should talk about Lizzie and Mika."
"No, we should not."
A response I expected. From the way Carol shut down about it, there was obviously a story there. One no one was willing to talk about unless forced to.
Thankfully, I prepared for a possible roadblock with that statement. Spent a few embarrassingly long nights coming up with it, actually.
"I know how you feel. Living with all that survivor's guilt, thinking it should've been you-" she cut me off with a scoff and a shake of the head.
"You have no idea how I fucking feel."
My jaw clenched as my anger rose up from where I'd been pushing it down for weeks now. I have been doing everything I possibly could to understand how she feels. It's not my fault she didn't want to share any of that information.
"So, then tell me!" I said raising my voice.
All I want is for her to be okay. And seeing her these last couple of weeks, she isn't. Her focus is on the twins, sometimes on Carl and that's it. Not even he can reach her anymore.
Abby inhaled sharply. "Why do you care about this so badly? I said I didn't want to talk about it."
In that moment, I saw my own reflection staring back at me. A person who shut down and would rather lash out than admit she needs comfort. I won't have that be her life.
She deserves more than that. She has always been the best of us. I can't let her go on this road. A road that leds to becoming me. And hell, I barely like me most days.
"Because you're my sister and I care about you. I want to help you-"
"Oh, you wanna help me? Play therapist so you can avoid your own problems? Fine."
She stepped closer to me with a storm raging in her eyes. Her hands were pulled into fists and her glare made me feel exposed. As if though I was the one who needed confronting.
"Lizzie went sick in the head and decided that walkers were regular people. She then killed Mika so she would turn and then she tried to do the same to me and Judith."
That was most definitely not what I was expecting. My mouth opened and closed as I tried to find a way to respond to that. I couldn't exactly find one.
Abby tried to hold up a strong facade but I could see something inside of her crumbling. The bitter smile she forced didn't help the situation.
"And you want to know the worst part? I had a chance to stop her before she killed Mika. But I just... I couldn't do that to her." she whispered the last part, almost to herself.
The agony that spread across her face passed by in a blink. She composed herself best she could but there was no hiding the way she tried to blink away tears.
My eyes softened at the sight. "She was your friend. Of course you weren't able to do it. Killing... it doesn't come easy. It shouldn't."
Her eyes closed as she pinched the bridge of her nose. Her anger transformed to frustration with my words. I couldn't imagine what I could've possibly said that wrongly.
My advices weren't the best, but they weren't that bad either. I am trying here. I'm doing my best.
"No, Josephine, you don't understand. I couldn't do that to her."
I furrowed my eyebrows. Wasn't that what I just said? Abby looked at me with desperation basically radiating from her. What wasn't I getting here?
She couldn't kill Lizzie. Not because they weren't friends but because...
My eyes widened slightly at the thought. I almost didn't dare say anything out of fear of her telling me I was misreading the situation, but the humorless laugh she let out was enough proof.
"I had a crush on her since the day she arrived. And there was a moment when I thought she might like me back but..." she trailed off.
I swallowed a lump in my throat. Oh I was so wrong. This is something I have no experience with.
"But she was too far gone." I finished.
Abby nodded and looked away from me. It's rare that one experiences first heartbreak and a first attempt on their life at the same time. What she must be going through...
I hugged her with all my might as if though I could shield her from all that was already inflicted upon her. Her arms held on to me as she returned the gesture. My mind could barely comprehend how much it must've sucked to keep all that in.
The thought of her thinking I wouldn't be supportive...
"So, you and Carl are definitely not gonna be a thing?" I mumbled into her hair.
A teary laugh escaped her making her entire body shake. I smiled as I rubbed up and down her back. Poor thing must've been keeping that in for a while now.
I kissed her head. "Just checking."
-------
My eyes stayed glued to Daryl's back as I thought about what to do. I don't think there is anything I can do, really. Whatever he and Beth had, I didn't understand it.
Rick nudged my arm with a water bottle, offering it to me. I hesitated before taking a sip to try and quench the thirst plaguing me.
"Did he drink any?" I asked.
Rich shook his head. "No, but he did eat with the rest of us."
My stomach turned at the memory of our latest meal. Things were really bad. Without the essentials, we weren't going to last for much longer and we were barely walking.
"Typical, the man doesn't hesitate to eat dog meat but draws the line at water." I grumbled.
Why must he be so stubborn?
We were exhausted, dehydrated and borderline murderous. Sasha's ignoring orders, Daryl's running off every five minutes, the rest of us are barely moving. It's not looking good.
Rick frowned. "Do you think you could talk to him?"
I could talk, but he wouldn't be hearing me. Last time he lost someone he was close with, I didn't have much of a chance to be there for him except for a brief few moments.
He didn't want me to, though. I don't think that would've changed even if we were on good terms back then.
"It wouldn't make a difference, he needs space right now. A way to process this grief on his own terms."
Grief is a heavy thing to carry. You can have the best of intentions and still make it worse for the person grieving. I know Daryl better than I do most people and if he wanted me there, he would've let me know. One way or another.
I paused before adding. "The way he did with Merle."
The two of us walked in silence for a while, the rest of the group behind us. Some engaged in conversation, some deadly silent. A somber mood, indeed.
"I can't help thinking that if we had done things differently, the outcome might've been better," Rick glanced at Maggie, "I could've kept Beth alive."
Or more people would've gotten killed. Some of ours, definitely most of theirs. Choosing which lives matter more is an act none of us should have to do.
But he had a point. Things could've gone our way if we'd chosen the more harsh and deadly way of handling this. For the longest time, I thought that's the way it had to be. Kill or be killed.
Yet despite my ruthlessness, people I cared about still died. Being good at killing didn't save them. I don't want history to repeat itself, for us to lose more.
"I get it."
Rick looked at me. "I'm going to do whatever it takes for our people to survive."
The coldness in his voice wasn't there for me, I knew that. But it sounded foreign coming from the man who I saw as a moral compass. It shouldn't have surprised me.
I saw the fear in his eyes when the men Daryl was with broke into the house we were staying in and the rage on his bloody face as he killed the man threatening Carl. He was tired, just as the rest of us, of losing people.
It tended to bring out the protector in him, even if it was the most ruthless version of him.
"I know."
-----
From a friend
I stared at the piece of paper for so long that I convinced myself it was a hallucination. The water bottles stood there tempting every single member of our group.
"What else are we gonna do?" Tara asked.
One of the twins started crying and I flinched at the sound. My eyes found Dakota rocking Rhea in her arms. It was of no use. My niece was suffering and she was making sure we all knew it.
It broke my heart to know my brother's children were in pain. He wouldn't have wanted this for them. For any of us, really.
"Not this, we don't know who left it." Rick argued.
"If that's a trap, we already happen to be in it. But I, for one, would like to think it is indeed from a friend." Eugene said.
Wouldn't we all? But it's not a risk we can take. For all we know there could be more of the cannibals running around and trying to get revenge.
"What if it isn't? They put something in it?" Carol said.
I sighed. "Isn't there any way we could purify it? Make sure it's safe to drink?"
Even asking the question felt pointless. Yet all I could do is think about how dry my mouth was and how wonderful it would feel to have water pass my chapped lips.
"It would depend on what they put in it. Best not to risk it." Glenn replied.
I nodded, right before Eugene grabbed a bottle from the ground. Rosita called out his name in disbelief as the rest of us were too surprised to react.
"What are you doing, dude?" Tara asked with bewilderment in her voice.
"Quality insurance."
Abraham slapped the water bottle out of his hands making it splash everywhere. Well, turns out there are still some hard feelings between the two. Though it's understandable after Eugene's lie.
"We can't." Rick repeated, harsher this time.
Thunder roared in the distance and I barely had a moment to process it before I felt it. A drop of water on my face. I wiped it away only to feel it fall elsewhere.
The rest of the group looked up as more and more rain started falling. It was a cool relief to my sweaty skin, not to mention my spirit. Laughter left our group at the sheer luck we've experienced.
Abby and Dakota looked at each other with smiles. The sight made my heart beat faster. It's been so long since I saw such pure joy course through them. They've both been through so much, they deserve all the happiness in the world.
"Everybody, get the bags. Anything you can find." Rick said.
Instead of doing as he said, I turned to Maggie who was at my side. The rain didn't change her mood. It couldn't. Nothing could after losing her sister.
My hand reached out to hold hers. She looked at it slowly, almost as if snapping out of a trance. I squeezed it tightly making sure she knows I'm here.
I'm not Michonne, I'm not Dakota. Hell, I'm not Carol. I don't have the same way with words as they do, but I do understand her pain. The very human and agonizing suffering of loss.
Her fingers curled around mine. Barely, but enough.
"Let's keep moving." Rick said.
It was then that I noticed the rain was getting worse. A storm while we were out here in its midst. Our blessing was turning into a curse sooner rather than later.
"There's a barn."
Daryl led us all to a small clearing with an abandoned barn. It was a miracle that he had found it earlier that day. It took a while but everyone settled down for the night.
The storm raged on as a couple of sat around a fire, the rest of the group asleep. Even the twins and Judith. I glanced at Rick seated next to me who raised his eyebrows. I gave a barely visible nod.
It was time. I was ready for it. What was the point of all the secrecy anyway? It just made things more difficult.
"This isn't the best time, but it is time for you to know something."
Michonne, Carol, Glenn and Daryl all looked at Rick. I took a deep breath willing myself to stay calm. It didn't matter what the others thought. All that mattered was Rick and I.
"Josephine and I are together. It won't affect the group and we're not asking for permission. Just thought that the people we cared about should know." Rick explained.
The silence was almost suffocating. I lifted my eyes off of the ground and immediately looked at Daryl. He looked tense but whatever reaction he had, he was concealing it well.
His opinion was the one that mattered to me the most. I'm not stupid, I know this must sting at the very least. I didn't want a relationship with him, and even when I did, it was less of an announcement to the group and more of a slip up.
I'm aware of the hurt that must be causing him. And I'll do anything I can to ease that but telling him comes first.
Michonne broke the silence. "I was wondering what all that peace and quiet was."
A relieved laugh left me as Glenn snorted with a smile. My eyes found Rick's. There was a quiet kind of joy in there. Not enough to overpower all the other bullshit that's happening but still present.
Carol's eyes softened. "Do your sisters know? Does Carl?"
"Not yet. It's a work in progress." I replied.
With all we've been going through, it didn't feel right to turn their world upside down at the moment. It'll be a conversation for better times.
"Daryl?" Rick said.
All eyes turned to him, some flickered to me. The elephant in the room wanted to be addressed. Without his approval, Rick would be wrong and it would affect the group.
Daryl nodded. "I'm happy for you."
He looked at Rick without any anger or resentment. But there was no joy to be found, either. It was good enough for Rick who nodded and put his hand on Daryl's shoulder.
That's when he looked at me. Only for a brief moment but enough for me to be able to tell that he wasn't ready for this. He wasn't going to argue or shout, but he won't be tagging along with us any time soon.
One of the twins started crying and I went to it before it woke up the others. Leaving them behind at the fire, it almost felt like running away. I guess I was thankful for the excuse.
Cradling Dorian softly and humming under my breath, I closed my eyes trying to block out the rest of the world. It was a good move to tell the group. I'm doing things differently now.
It might not work and I still fuck up. A real possibility, but I've made so many mistakes in the past that I don't want to repeat. Running away from love, obsessing over my family, giving in to my anger.
The list is long and repetitive. I'll do better, I have to. For the others, for myself. For this restless baby in my arms whose life depends on the choices we make.
I'll do better.