Harry woke up to the sound of heavy breaths and sobs. It took him a minute to remember where he was and who he was with, but then he realized. Louis. He got up and walked to the couch where Louis was sleeping. He crouched down to be at Louis' level. This one was asleep but he was sobbing and the sight twisted Harry's insides. He wanted that to stop, he didn't want to see him crying.
He shook Louis' shoulder lightly, trying not to wake him up too abruptly, but Louis didn't budge and continued crying.
"Louis" Harry whispered, but Louis just shifted
Louis frowned in his sleep and shook his head. Harry brought a hand to his cheek, stroking it softly and wiping some tears away.
"Louis" he tried again. no answer "Lou" he said louder
Louis' eyes opened and he sat up quickly like he was just thrown a basket of cold water, knocking Harry's head with his own.
"Ouch!" they both said, mirroring each other's move to bring a hand to their heads and rub their foreheads.
Harry stopped to look at Louis worriedly.
"Lou, are you okay?" he asked, not hiding the worry in his voice
"It's Louis for you" Louis replied, letting his hand fall to his side.
And ouch. It hurt even more than when Louis almost knocked him out two minutes ago.
Harry managed to roll his eyes and pretend to be unbothered, but he clearly was. It hurt like a bitch.
"Okay, Louis" Harry tried to sound annoyed but he didn't succeed, the concern was still clear in his voice "Are you okay?"
Louis sighed and nodded "Yes, I'm okay. Was just a bad dream"
Harry hesitated but when he saw Louis wiping dry tears off his face, he still asked "Do you want to talk about it?" gently but very unsurely
Louis looked up into Harry's eyes for the first time in a while and it felt like an electric shock all over Harry's body. In a good way. Was there even a good way for that? Harry didn't think so.
"No I don't" he answered after what could be considered too long
The look in Louis' eyes was telling Harry that he wanted to talk about it but was somewhat scared. Or maybe he wanted to talk about it but just not with Harry. Maybe he wanted to tell Evan.
"Okay" Harry nodded and laid back on the floor, pulling the duvet up to his neck, the room suddenly feeling too cold.
Harry heard Louis shift on the couch and sigh sharply. The shuffling lasted for at least ten minutes before it stopped entirely. The room turned dead silent, the sound of their breathing barely audible.
"Harry?" Louis' voice cut through the silence and through Harry's heart.
Harry freezed, startled by the softness of Louis' voice and the way he said his name. Harry pursed his lips, not knowing if he should answer. but it was Louis, so of course he answered.
"Yeah" he whispered back
Silence.
"Can you-" he started but cut himself off
"Can I?" Harry asked when he didn't hear him continue
"What. Forget it" Louis answered
And no, Harry wouldn't just forget it.
"Can I what?" Harry pressed "Louis, please tell me" he pleaded
But Louis didn't answer. Harry thought that maybe he fell back asleep, but a sharp intake of air proved him wrong.
Harry hoped, Harry almost prayed that Louis said something, but Louis still didn't.
Harry could hear Louis' uneven breaths and noises that dangerously sounded like hushed tears. And that hurt.
Believe it or not, none of them slept any more that night
...
Mr Corden had come back to the theater in the morning. Both guys hurried to leave, barely acknowledging him and just hurrying to get away from the other.
Mr Corden's plan didn't work. They hadn't resolved their shit and maybe next time they work together it'd be worse.
Maybe James should have thought twice about it before locking them up. Nothing good could have come out of it.
Harry wasn't feeling good. He was feeling tired, his stomach was knotted and his hands were shaking, if not his whole being. He felt like crying, like he could fall down on the floor any minute.
Harry never knew that having feelings for someone meant that. Maybe it wouldn't have been this way if he didn't mess up. Maybe. But now it was too late.
He hurried to his car and quickly left the parking lot. It didn't take him more than fifteen minutes to get to his flat, but it felt like fifteen minutes too many.
He slammed the door of his bedroom behind him and he started crying, letting his back slide down his door.
Why was it so hard? Why couldn't he just forget about Louis? Forget his feelings and everything that came with it. Because now Louis was with Evan, he seemed happy with him and Harry was a selfish twat for wanting to have him back.
These months and the last days made him realize that life without Louis was worse than all of Harry's insecurities in a relationship. Maybe Harry was scared but he could have tried for Louis, he should have tried for him because now Harry was pathetic.
But it was too late. Louis was happy with someone else and Harry was left with regret and sadness and no Louis by his side.
...
"Mate, let me in" Niall said from outside Harry's bedroom door.
Harry had refused to go to school on Friday and he had cancelled his plans with Niall for the weekend. That was why right now at 10 p.m on a Sunday, Niall horan had used his key to enter Harry's flat and was pounding at his bedroom door.
"Go away, Niall" Harry said weakly
"Harry, please? I brought you pancakes" Niall tried
"I don't want pancakes" Harry replied, voice hoarse from all the crying
If Harry didn't want pancakes, then that meant that something was definitely very wrong.
There was silence on the other side of the door and Harry thought that maybe Niall had left. But then he heard something fall on the ground and Niall's voice.
"Harry, mate" he said gently "Did something happen?"
Harry took a deep breath and cuddled more into his blanket.
"I caught feelings for Louis is what happened" Harry said, his words slightly muffled by the duvet.
Admitting it out loud to someone was different than just thinking it to yourself. It made things more real.
"I know" Niall said
"And he doesn't like me back" anymore
"He does" Niall said firmly, and Harry could hear the frown he had upon his face.
Yes, Harry could hear a frown. Whatever, he didn't go out or eat anything more than a bag of crisps in the last three days, so he was going crazy.
"No, Niall. He has Evan now"
"Who's Evan?" Niall asked confusedly
Did Louis not talk about him to anyone? But he knew him sinceéew Year, which meant he had seen him since then too probably. And they kissed, so there was something between them. Why didn't he tell their friends?
"His new boyfriend" Harry replied
"Harry... he doesn't have a boyfriend. He would have told us, wouldn't he?" Niall started "And he still likes you"
Harry didn't know if Niall was saying that to try to make him feel better, but if it was his attention, then it didn't work. If anything, it made him feel worse.
"They kissed Niall, he doesn't like me anymore. It's over" Harry said, his voice breaking at the last word "I had a chance and I let it slide. It's my fault and I know it"
Niall stayed silent.
"Listen, I'm here if you need me but I am not going to stay at your door until you decide to get up, because I know you're gonna stay in bed all day. But call me if you need me, yeah? And I'll come back" Niall said and with that Harry heard him and get up and leave
Harry sighed and took his phone from the nightstand. He didn't know why he was doing that but he was doing it. He dialed Louis' number and brought his phone to his ear.
He waited. One, two, three seconds. and then Louis answered
"Why do you call?" he heard Louis' voice ask
"I-" Harry cut himself off
Why did he call? He missed Louis' voice, he missed kissing Louis and hugging him. He missed him.
"Are you okay?" Louis asked, a little worry in his voice
And no, Harry wasn't okay but no he wouldn't tell Louis. Because it wouldn't be fair to Louis.
"Yeah I'm okay. I just wanted to talk about, um" think about something, think about something "the play"
"Oh" he sounded disappointed "Um, can we talk about it later? I'm with my dad right now"
His dad?
"Your dad?" Harry asked
"Uh, yeah. He came on my birthday and he apologized"
"Wow, that's really great" Harry said honestly
"Yeah it is" Louis agreed
"I'm happy for you" Harry told him, because he was happy for him. He knew how much the thing with his dad bothered him.
"Thanks, Harry"
Both of them stayed silent for a moment, but none of them hung up. It seemed like both of them waited for the other to say something more, but none of them did.
"I, uh, I should go" Louis said
"Okay. Bye" Harry whispered
"Bye" Louis said and then hung up
And there was Harry, once again left alone with his loneliness and cowardice. He could have just told Louis the truth. That he missed him and he was sorry, but he didn't. It would've been selfish. Louis was happy with someone who could love him properly. And that was what Louis deserved. Happiness.
But he didn't sound that happy on the phone, a voice in the back of Harry's mind told him. And can't just this little voice shut the fuck up?
Harry groaned and got up for the first time in three days -for other purpose than to go to the bathroom or take another bag of crisps from the kitchen.
...
Since his birthday, Louis has seen his dad more often. They tried to make up for lost time as a family as much as a dad and a son. They sometimes went bowling with Louis' sisters or just the two of them to have a chat with a beer.
That was where they were right now. Louis and his dad sat at the counter of a pub, drinking a beer and talking about Louis' play. Well, that was until Louis' phone rang and he took a look at the caller ID.
"Uh, sorry dad I have to take this" Louis excused himself and walked outside. It was too loud inside with all the chatter
Louis looked at his phone and then he picked up. He brought the phone to his ear with a shaky hand and immediately asked "Why do you call?"
And shit it wasn't what he wanted to say. Why didn't he hang up when he could have? Or just ignored the call? Was Louis some kind of masochist?
"I-" Harry started but didn't say anything more. Louis could hear him being on the other side of the line but he just didn't say anything.
Was Harry hurt? The only two times he called Louis in his life was because something had happened. What if something happened to him? What if he wasn't okay?
"Are you okay?" Louis asked worriedly
"Yeah I'm okay. I just wanted to talk about, um"
He was okay. But if he was okay, why did he call? Maybe he was sorry? What did he want to talk about? About them?
Without even realizing, Louis let himself hope that maybe he missed-
"the play" Harry interrupted Louis mid-thought
"Oh" Louis' flicker of hope stopped burning and left a feeling of cold taking over his whole being "Um, can we talk about it later? I'm with my dad right now"
"Your dad?" Harry asked, sounding surprised
"Uh, yeah. He came on my birthday and he apologized"
Why did he say that? Harry probably didn't care about Louis' life anymore. Or did he ever care, even?
"Wow, that's really great" Harry said earnestly
"Yeah it is" Louis agreed, pursing his lips, not knowing what to say more
"I'm happy for you" Harry said, sounding honest
And Louis didn't know how to react to that.
"Thanks, Harry"
Then there was silence. A silence where Louis felt like Harry wanted to say something more, or hoped for Harry to say something more. But he didn't.
"I, uh, I should go" Louis said after what felt like an eternity
"Okay. Bye" Harry whispered, sounding weak and sad and it was too much for Louis.
"Bye" Louis said and then hung up
Louis shut his eyes and sighed. It shouldn't be this difficult to talk to Harry. Louis should have stopped having feelings for him during these three months, but no. He still had feelings for him.
He had Evan, who obviously liked Louis in that way, and that Louis liked, but not in that way. And yes, Louis had tried to forget Harry and to like Evan, but Louis knew feelings didn't work that way. Yet, he accepted to go back to Evan's when he asked him and he knew what that meant. It meant s-e-x, but Louis didn't go through it. He just pretended he wasn't feeling well and that he'd prefer to watch a movie. Evan had been cool about it, of course he had, but during all the movie, Louis had only one thing on his mind and it was long curly hair and mesmerizing green eyes.
Evan was attractive -totally Louis' type- but he wasn't Harry. And that was a big flaw.
Louis was so deep in his thoughts that he didn't even hear his dad approaching him.
"Everything alright?" he asked
"I think I need a cigarette" Louis just answered, already taking a cigarette from the pack that was in his jean pocket
Louis was recently smoking more than he usually did, with the representation coming and everything, he was stressed out.
He lit it up and took a long drag before blowing the smoke in the air.
"Who was on the phone?" his dad asked
"It was um, a friend" Louis said
"A friend?" his dad raised an eyebrow
"Well, not even a friend. Just a guy in my theater class"
"Okay" he nodded, but he didn't seem convinced
"Why are you making this face?" Louis asked, taking a drag
"Nothing, nothing" Louis' dad replied
Louis rolled his eyes and leaned against the wall behind him.
"Just say what you think, dad"
"You know you can talk to me about boys? Like, I don't mind. If you have a boyfriend or anything you can tell me. Except if you don't want to of course" he said
Louis smiled at him "Thanks dad. But I don't have a boyfriend"
"Okay, then"
"I saw a guy for a bit" Louis then started and he didn't know why he said that.
His dad looked at Louis, waiting for him to go on.
"We, um, I mean I like him but he rejected me. But I still like him and it's been months and during these months I met another guy who's really really great, but he's not him, you know?"
Louis' dad nodded "Yeah. I get what you mean"
Louis let out a chuckle and put out his cigarette "Don't feel the need to agree just to comfort me"
"No, no, of course not. I mean it. After your mum and I got divorced I had a hard time with getting over her. But that was what was best you know?"
"Yeah"
"Who's this kid that you like?"
"His name's Harry"
"Did he tell you that he didn't like you?"
Woah. If his dad was trying to make things better, it wasn't working.
"He said he couldn't" Louis shrugged
"That doesn't mean he doesn't like you" his dad said like it was obvious
"Then what does it mean?" Louis huffed
His dad shrugged "Well, maybe he can't allow himself to like you or something like that" he shrugged again "I'm not in that kid's brain, but it doesn't mean he doesn't like you"
Louis' dad wasn't wrong but... Louis didn't know.
"Let's go back home. I'm tired" Louis said
"Okay, son"
And they left. Louis was even more confused than before, because what his dad said made sense.
...
Harry drove to Louis' house. No need to ask him why, he didn't know. It was a bad idea because, first, he wasn't here as he said he was with his dad and Harry doubted they'd hang out at his dad's ex-wife's.
Maybe he didn't come to see Louis.
Harry knocked and waited with his hands in his pockets until someone opened the door.
"Harry?" Lottie asked, surprised
"Hey, Lottie" he said with an awkward smile
he regretted coming here, it was a bad idea. Why did he do that, again?
"Ul, Louis is not here. If that's why you're here" she said
"I, um. It's actually you that I wanted to see" Harry said, looking around him to look everywhere but Lottie's way
"Me?!" she seemed clearly taken aback "What for?"
"Uh yeah. I- sorry it's stupid I'm going to go back home and yeah sorry" he said, already turning back
"No, no, no" Lottie said, grabbing Harry's arm "You can come in and we can talk with a cup of tea. How does that sound?"
Harry turned around and smiled at her "Okay. Thanks"
They both walked inside and they sat at the kitchen counter after Lottie made them both tea in silence.
"So, what was it that you wanted to talk about?"
"Um" wasn't the reason obvious...? "Louis?" he said
"Yeah I guessed, but what about him?" she said
"I know he's seeing someone and I uh"
What he was going to ask was weird considering the situation he and Louis were in, but he needed to know or else he wouldn't be able to sleep for the rest of his life.
"Is he happy?" Harry asked
Lottie raised her eyebrows at the question and Harry thought maybe she stopped working because she didn't move for a whole minute. Eventually she blinked and opened her mouth
"Honestly I don't know. I didn't even know he was seeing someone" she frowned
So maybe Harry misjudged the situation and Louis wasn't dating Evan. That would mean that maybe Harry still had a chance. But then he remembered the way Louis was when he was talking to Evan over the phone and when they kissed. Maybe he just didn't tell anyone yet. Maybe he was waiting to tell everyone because he really liked the guy.
"Why did you want to know?" Lottie asked gently
Harry shrugged and scratched his neck "I didn't mean to hurt him and I know I did. I just want to make sure he's not sad or upset anymore. I just want him to be happy"
Harry was embarrassed. He didn't mean to say that much and yes he meant it, but why did he tell Lottie?
Lottie smiled gently at him "Maybe you should tell him that" she advised
"Yeah, maybe" Harry nodded, then he quickly pulled himself together and looked at Lottie with an apologetic smile on his face "Sorry I bothered you. I'm gonna go back home. But thank you"
"It's okay. You're a great guy. Maybe you should tell Louis what you told me. I'm not going to tell him that you came and what you talked to me about, it's not my place to do that. So don't worry your secret's safe" she winked
"Thank you so much" he said with an earnest smile
"You're welcome" she said, getting up and accompanying him to the door
Before leaving, Harry hugged her. It was sudden but he was really grateful that Louis had such a great family and that even if he hurt her brother, she was still willing to talk to him and help him.
"Thank you" he whispered one last time before leaving.
...