Non Verbal

48

hiii:) sorry I've been sick lately loves

Chapter 48

Rowan's POV.

I was fine. It was a small fluke.

"Hey, can I put the radio back on?" She asks, pulling her hands out from mine and I lift mine back to the steering wheel. Nodding.

"Are Sutton and Fran gonna be home when we get back?" She asks.

I nod again, clearing my throat. "They should be."

"What er..." Lottie looks at me carefully. "Do you think Sutton will ask, like what's going on with us?"

"Probably." I say. "Just tell him you don't know, that's my plan."

She looks at me. "We don't know?"

I hear it again, the tone. The tone that confuses the fuck out of me because I know her. I know Lottie. She doesn't want strings right now.

We talked about it. We have talked about the fact she was just having fun. Sutton, Lots and I sat eating McDonalds (they ate) one-night ages ago and we talked about what relationships looked like for us in the future.

It was after she brought that plant to put under her pillow, the one that would show her true love or some shit.

She said she hopes it doesn't, that she's so down for some fun at the moment.

I gathered that might be what she wanted here.

Not that I am that guy. Which she knows as well.

But also, I say things, to keep this neutral, to not scare her away.

And she looks at me with that look that says ouch.

Like I don't understand.

I swallow. "Or literally tell him whatever you want Lots."

"Oh, that we're just messing around?"I look at her, she's staring at my face, a little determined squint in her eyes.

I can't help but smile slightly, just at the fierceness.

"Sure."

She sighs. "I will just distract from the question unless you're there, then you can deal with it."

"We can just tell him nothing is going on and that we don't know what he's talking about."

"Pretty sure that's called gaslighting Roe, let's not do that to our pal."

I smile then, looking at her. "Lottie, we can be whatever you want. You know this right?"

"Ew, go away."

I laugh, my eyes watching the cars as we stay very carefully on our side of the road. I shake my head. "Sorry I guess."

I don't understand her.

"So what?" She says. "They'll be there when we get home?"

"I already said this."

"Alright, alright. Just, are they back together properly?"

"Mhm, think so." I say. "Didn't you see Sutton like yesterday?" I ask her.

"Yeah but he was a little closed off about the Fran stuff."

"Oh really?"

"Like he told me to shut up and tell him about my uni stuff."

"Oh he might have just been trying to be considerate?"

"Or he was hiding something."

"Well yes, that too I guess." I chuckle.

"Don't laugh at me."

"I am not."

"You are." She replies, questioning me as I smile at the road.

I shake my head.

"Rowan."

"What?"

"What-"

"Nothing it's just, the way you think amuses me."

She huffs, offended. "The way I think should be endearing to you, not amusing."

I laugh. "It's endearing. Don't worry."

She mumbles something under her breath and I don't bother to nudge her to say it again, I just chuckle to myself.

Lottie sulks. "You upset me."

I nod. "Yeah, I gathered this from our earlier argument."

"I am over that, I mean-"

I smile. "Over it?'

"Yeah, are you over me being mean to you?"

I look at her quickly, raising an eyebrow. She looks at the road panicked, and I look back gaining back the information of our surroundings.

She's a very nervous passenger.

"Yeah, I wasn't mad at you Lottie. You were mad at me, remember?"

"Well I mean, like- surely you got pissed off that I was pissed off?"

"No, I mean I wasn't happy that you were mad, but you didn't anger me."

"You weren't pissed off? Even when I was being nasty because I was annoyed?"

I shrug. "Nah, not often an angry person."

She makes a small noise, almost in disagreement and I ask her to elaborate on the sound.

"I saw you- er like- when you punched that door. That was you being angry."

I go a little cold, a mixture of shame and pain travelling down me as I remembered the way my head was so loud, how I had gotten so frustrated in front of her.

How I scared her.

Ah hell. Did I apologise for that whole thing?

I don't think so.

"Shit I never apologised for-"

"Rowan." She interrupts. "No, stop. Why would you apologise?"

I look at her. "For punching a brick wall in front of you?" I raise an eyebrow, her eyes on my face as I concentrate back on driving. "That wasn't sane behaviour, and it wasn't something that I should have done near someone else. Especially you."

She lets out a small breath. "Especially me?"

I don't want her to see me like that. Not in control. It was bad then, but it's gotten so much better.

Plus that anger would never be channelled towards her. It's always at myself. I would never hurt her and I hope she knows that. I hope she never made a comparison.

"Like because I don't want you to have that impression of me."

"Do you struggle with anger Roe?"

I look at her. "I just told you I am not inherently an angry person-"

"Eyes, road. Please."

I look at the road.

She watches me though. Which seems unfair.

"I was waiting for you to get mad, but you just got calmer, like earlier, and it made me madder at you."

"I noticed."

"Ok, I wasn't mad, mad. But I felt- I felt patronised."

"I wasn't trying to patronise you. Was literally just having a conversation."

"I think I might be used to someone just getting mad."

She says this matter-of-factly.

But the tone.

The tone literally made me want to pull over and look at her.

But we were on the motorway so obviously I carried on and waited for her to offer more if she wanted to.

She laughs a little. "I thought you were going to say that you shouldn't have punched that wall because you didn't want me to be reminded of Nathan."

The thought had crossed my mind.

I looked at her. "Would that be awful? If I had thought about that."

"Not awful. Embarrassing."

"Huh?"

"I find the whole thing mortifying..."

"Why?" I ask.

I see her shoulders shrug in my peripheral vison.

"But yeah." I say. "I am not quick to anger. So go ahead and get mad at me, but my automatic response is still space so I probably won't give you that fight you're after."

"I feel like I have to fight, like shout, to get heard."

I shake my head. "Please don't shout, just talk."

"We are talking."

"I know, are we fighting?"

She shakes her head. Whispers a "No."

"I get mad at myself sometimes when I am not ok. I get frustrated. But like- the whole hand thing- I er didn't do it because I was blind with rage Lottie."

"No?"

I shake my head. "No, remember I couldn't stop checking the door?"

She nods.

"I thought that if I hurt my hand enough my brain would go into survival mode and forget about the compulsion for a second, a second enough for me to break away and get in the car. Which it did but the pain went and so I had to keep checking, you see?"

"So you-" She pauses. "You hurt yourself to distract from the like ritual you were doing?"

I nodded.

"Do you do that a lot?" She whispers.

I pause.

Think.

Stare at the road until my eyes become unfocused and I panic blink to see properly again.

Our exit is coming up.

I shake my head. "No, not how you mean."

"Okay."

There weren't many other cars on the road.

"I don't think it takes a genius to understand that I felt patronised earlier because I am used to someone fighting back, when you didn't, I knew I seemed irrationally mad about you voicing your opinions and I am not used to being the irrational one."

I shake my head. "I was the irrational one Lots, to get such a panic on about your friends- don't-"

"No, you weren't though."

Where my head went was a hundred percent irrational and consumed by unhealthy cognition.

I know this. But I listen to her.

"Like you call them my friends, but they're not."

I drift over lanes to pull off into our exit.

I know they're not.

I glance over quickly to her but stay quiet.

Knowing it was best.

"Like Blaise?" She breathes. "He's probably the only one I consider my actual friend right now and he's- we're only friends because I feel bad for him."

I try not to breathe out amused.

So then she rushes, probably catching onto my slight amusement at that statement.

"I just mean, I hated him. Last month. We were not friends. In the slightest. Hell, he used to harass me Roe, like he- he spread around what happened with Nathan and I. He spoke about it loudly, openly in the cafeteria. He broke the news to me that my boyfriend had cheated, like in front of everyone."

I knew I didn't like him for a reason.

"And I know why he was so vile to everyone the last few months, like I know now. But he still did those things. So, is he my friend? I don't know. But he- he is probably the most real out of them three right now."

I nod.

I've decided that to show her I am listening and not projecting unnecessary opinions, I will nod.

"Scarlett." She whispers. "I genuinely- I don't like her. You're right. She is mean and she is rude and she- she doesn't trust me. "

I nod.

Obviously.

"And for some reason that hurts more than what Nathan did."

I look at her.

She's looking down at her lap.

I decide that although I want to comfort, although I could have put my hand on her and try and tell her I am here for her, I won't. I won't because I think she needs to do this without someone there holding her.

She's processing.

That's what Gem calls it. When you speak out loud to someone but aren't necessarily having an active conversation.

Processing.

You have to be careful sometimes, that when you process things out loud, you process them with someone who is able to handle the trauma you may be dumping. Because what's a healthy move for you, just might be a maladaptive thing for the person on the receiving end.

It's not like that between us. Ever really. It's always equal when we listen to each other.

I feel like she might need to lie on the floor.

I would verbalise this, but I don't want to interrupt her thoughts.

She's quiet.

But I know she's processing.

"Nathan hit me." She whispers. "Just that once. But hell he would hit other things towards the end, like he... walls and shit I don't know. But he never scared me like he did that night because every time he was that angry, I was always just as angry beside him. Fighting back. We would just freaking fight."

I nodded.

"But that was fucked right? You shouldn't make someone that angry. Surely if we had loved each other we wouldn't have been able to get that mad at each other?"

Fucking hell Lots. I keep my eyes on the road as we head back into town.

It's weird to me, the way she so openly talks about loving him. I don't think I loved India. Not in that way. Not in the way it's supposed to feel.

I mean I know now I didn't. Not in comparison.

"And so yeah, now I seem angry and irrational. And he- hell he cheated Roe. I know you know how that feels but now...now I am so paranoid." She laughs. "I am jealous, and I think the worse before the best and I hate that. Like I hate that I let someone else shape the way I think."

I want to tell her that she can undo it. That she is in control.

But how comforting is that reassurance from someone with obsessive compulsive disorder? Someone who genuinely has zero control of the way he thinks sometimes.

So I don't speak.

I can't.

But I hope she can feel the support. Because she has it. Everything. From me. I just cannot verbally give it without her hearing the uncertainty in my voice in terms of this.

"And I promise I am working on it. Like I rationalise. I swear." She whispers. "But yeah. Nathan isn't my friend. I care about him, I guess. But he's not my friend."

She is looking at me. So I nod.

"I don't think I have ever felt the way friendship should feel until I got close with you and Sutton. And that thought devastates me because-" She stops talking. Breathes.

I look at her. Quickly. Then before I can help it, I am pulling over, we're down a road lined with houses. It's broad daylight but I know she needs it.

So I pull over.

"Woah, what are you doing?"

"You need to lie down."

She breathes a laugh. "No I don't, I am ok, ok sorry I guess I did get a little dark and gloomy but I promise I am ok-"

"You're ok." I nod, assure. "But we need to."

"Can't we just lie down at yours?" She laughs. "Rowan."

I shake my head. "No, come on. We will lie down over there."

There was a small quare of grass with one singular bench under a tree. As an effort to increase green space and the public health, the town council created lots of green space when they made new estates like this.

Plants are good for-

Okay focus.

I turn the car off, grabbing the keys and I get out.

She shakes her head at me, refusing.

I walk around the car and I open her car door for her, bending to look her in the eye. "Lie down with me?"

She smiles slowly, shaking her head.

"Please?"

She cracks into a wider smile, her eyes bright as she continues to shake her head.

She was beautiful.

I sign to her that she is.

She watched my hands in confusion.

As usual.

I smile. "Lie down with me."

She looks at me, smirks a little. It's half assed as she says. "In your bed? Ok."

I shake my head and lean over to press her seat belt undone. "Why won't you lie down?"

"Because we're in a middle of a neighbourhood? Because the grass is wet and er because I don't need to. I am fine. I was just talking."

"You need to feel the ground." I say, leaning back out the car now she was unbuckled. My eyes are close to hers and I stare, trying to convince.

I don't know how she does the whole like 'please do what I want' look.

But I am trying.

She huffs. "We're gonna look like freaks."

I shrug. "I am used to it."

Lottie rolls her eyes. "Well plant boy, I am not."

"Ha, you're a theatre geek, you-"

"Don't be mean to me. I was literally just thinking about how great you are."

I laugh out loud and offer her my hand, which she begrudgingly takes, and I pull her out the car.

She walks with me even though I can feel her dragging her feet.

Usually, it's the other way around. Usually she jumps at the chance to do this, she doesn't usually care.

I think it's because she needs to. Because we need to have a moment where she feels everything that she won't let herself feel.

So I pull her with me as we cross the street and she intertwines her fingers with mine. My legs easily stepping over the two foot wooden fence, hers gracefully following me.

I lead her to the middle spot of the grass, the sun on us but the sky partially cloudy.

I sit down, letting go of her hand, letting her decide.

I lie down as soon as she sighs and sits down beside me.

I close my eyes, feeling the ground underneath me.

Reminding me I am alive and I am ok.

I probably should have done this earlier.

Just her ex was around and well, not to be that insecure guy, but-

Didn't feel like getting out of the car and lying on the concrete ground in front of Lottie's ex boyfriend captain of the soccer team/head boy and class president. Ha. You know.

She lies down next to me, but she keeps a little away, our arms not touching like they usually do when we lie like this.

Her breathing is rapid. Fast.

"Carry on." I whisper. "What you were saying."

She doesn't carry on.

She just breathes.

Her chest rising and falling quickly and I move my head to see her.

She was staring up at the sky. Her fingers in the wet grass, her eyes on the clouds.

I don't know how this happened so quickly. The difference in the way I view her now to how I did a couple of months ago. But it happened and I am not shying away from that.

Even if I should.

She closes her eyes.

"No, look at the sky, feel it."

She reopens her eyes and I see her eyes are slightly glossy and for a second I panic. Because I don't want to make her cry.

She looks at me. I sit up a little, leaning on my elbow as I look down at her.

My head over hers now. Checking if she was ok.

"Scar isn't my friend."

I nod slowly, watching.

She closes her eyes, laughs a little. "And Blaise is in trouble."

I stare down at her slightly confused.

"Like I am so scared for him. He's so unwell." She whispers, her eyes shut.

"Is he getting help?" I ask.

I don't know what is going on. But I feel like that's the appropriate response.

She shrugs. "He just lost Scarlett, like they broke up."

"He-" I was about to say he will be ok.

But I know her.

I know that if he isn't she will resent me for ever saying that.

She opens her big, beautiful eyes again and stares up at me.

"If I was him." I say quietly. "Knowing I had you in my corner would help. Just a little bit."

She smiles, but she shakes her head. "It's so much bigger than that."

"That's why I said just a little bit."

Lottie breathes out. Closes her eyes again and I furrow my eyebrows distressed as I watch one single tear fall past her eye and down into the grass.

"I don't think I had a second to process it all." She whispers. "Sorry."

I lie back down. "Don't apologise to me."

"Think that was like- the big- break up sort of thing..."

"Who do you mean?" I ask.

"Like Scar and I."

I smile slightly at her description. I don't think I ever really caught onto how close they were. But the fact Scarlett slept in Lottie's bed last night, the fact she let herself in, the way Lottie didn't even question it.

I guess I just never saw it, as that deep.

Maybe because I never really did the whole deep friendship thing either.

I had Joe, but obviously that wasn't that- we were just mates because of school.

Sutton was Fran's boyfriend, who seemed to deal with me well so we hung out and got along.

India and I were always a mess. Like India and I happened because it felt appropriate. Because I was told by Joe that I should make a move.

And I did it to feel like a normal kid.

At school, at hers, I felt normal. Nobody had to know that I couldn't function with all the checking, all the rituals at home.

It was nice to have.

But I don't think I have ever opened up to someone like I have to the one lying beside me.

The mere fact she's lying there beside me shows how close she is getting. How close we are getting.

I didn't do the whole close friendship thing, so it was hard to imagine how she was feeling right now. Loosing Scarlett. Or feeling like that friendship was over.

But I can imagine how it would feel to lose Lottie.

And for that, I moved my hand and took hers, threading our fingers as she just stayed still beside me.

She didn't cry again.

Thank God.

But I knew she was just feeling, thinking, processing.

So I didn't move until she sat back up.

She laughed tearfully, wiping her face.

"That was better than therapy."

I laughed. "Lots I got that from therapy so like..."

"Ah damn."

"How's your head?" I ask.

She smiles. Then laughs, shaking her head as she gives me a grin. "You used my saying."

I nodded.

"It's ok." She answers. "It's just- a lot has changed for me in the past few months and I feel like it all just caught up."

"Were you spinning?"

Lottie nods. "I have been spinning for weeks. I feel still right now."

"Are you happy to be still with me today? Or would you like me to take you home?"

"I wanna be with you." She admits. "And when you go, with Sutton. Mum and dad are out somewhere and I feel like company is a must."

"Okay."

I stand, brushing the grass off myself and then helping her up, turning her around to brush the grass off her back too.

"I am cold." She mutters. "And my back is wet."

"Alright." I chuckle. "We're done now, we can go home."

"Your house is not my home." She says grumpily.

"Well excuse me." I reply. "I will take you to your home then."

"No." She pouts. "I was joking, I don't wanna-"

"I know." I laugh. "Come on." I grab her hand, pulling her with me and she just jogs a little to keep up, her hand gripping mine back.

I have therapy pretty soon.

Like we need to go. Ok well it's only midday and I have therapy at three but-

"Sutton and Fran should be doing work." I say. "I know you don't wanna do homework but...?"

"Nah I was just grumpy this morning. Can we stop off at mine so I can grab my books and we'll start it together?"

"Yeah." I smile. "That's fine."

"Kay."

....

Lottie's POV.

Rowan and I hadn't touched once since we got back to his. Sutton and Fran were actually in the dining room, Sutton doing paper work for the show.

Yep.

Nova is doing a show with him.

Next weekend.

I am so excited.

He's so thrilled.

But apparently, it's more paperwork than he thought, like she asked him to create a website of information, like linked to his etsy account and so they could print off and make business cards for him.

It's freaking brilliant.

But yeah, Fran is helping him with that. Rowan left over an hour ago. I was sat at the end of the table, Rowan's stuff still beside me, but I was focusing on finishing off an essay for English lit.

(Rowan helped me with Math earlier).

Sutton hasn't asked anything. Or even really talked to me that much.

We had all just settled into a productive comfortable bubble.

Which was so nice.

Fran was controlling the music, which was lo-fi chilled productive vibes and well honestly this is sort of a key example of what I was meaning before.

Scarlett and I would have been bored by now. Would have been on our phones, or just chatting. Nathan would have gotten frustrated with me already, if he was trying to explain math, I would have gotten angry.

Blaise would have been ignoring us or calling me dumb for asking questions.

It was always- something.

But when I am with these people it's just so comfortable.

I was a little bit of a mess earlier. But I feel fine now. Like I am ok. It was an appropriate amount of upset to feel. I think.

I lean my head on my hand and I just reread over the same paragraph, trying to make it better just by pure will.

"Did you stay here last night?" Sutton suddenly asks. I lift my head to look at him, slightly shocked.

I nod a little.

He raises an eyebrow at me.

"I had a fight with Scarlett and Rowan came and picked me up."

"Oh shit yeah, you had your celebration party. Right?"

I nodded.

Fran looked down the table at me too. "Celebration?"

"She got into her chosen uni." Sutton says.

"Basically." I follow up. "Like I need to get the grades, but if I get them then I have a place."

She smiles down at me. "Congratulations. The arts school?"

I nod a little. "Yeah, although I am still strongly considering the sports one close by."

"Oh. How far away is the other one?"

"A while." I say, then explaining to her that my campus, like the one for performing arts is far away. That it felt long when dad and I drove it.

"Oh but it is drivable?" Fran asks. "What is it? Eight hours?"

I nodded.

"So you're leaving?" She asks.

I look at Sutton.

She frowns, watching me. "Like when, the summer?"

"Er... like I would go to university in September so like if I decide to study theatre then... yeah I'd move far. If I do sports it would be in the city, you know."

She nods thinking. Her and Sutton exchange a look.

I sit there feeling younger.

I don't often feel younger. Like when I am with Sutton. But they've obviously sharing a conversation between their eyes that I am not a part of.

Even though I think it's concerning me.

I stare at them.

Fran looks slowly away from Sutton then looks at me. She smiles kindly. "Congratulations Lottie, that's so exciting."

It wasn't fake.

The way she said it at all.

She was being sincere.

Just, she seemed less enthusiastic internally than her words would allude to taken individually.

I smile back at her.

Wishing for Rowan's return.

His therapy sessions are an hour long. So he should be back any time now.

My eyes flick back to my computer screen and then I yawn, needing coffee to keep going but not feeling comfortable enough to go and make myself one.

Roe always makes then for me and like- I don't know.

It's strange being here without him.

Distracted now by the thought of coffee, I keep on trying to read through my essay, but honestly, I have practically given up.

Fran was asking about me leaving. I smile a little because she must have seen how close Rowan and I were last night.

She probably thinks we're stupid. Getting into something right now.

But it was March. We had April, May, June, July and August. Like-

Okay wow.

That's not very long.

Five months.

I furrow my eyebrows thinking about it.

I have been so excited to leave this town.

For years now.

To get independence. To grow up.

But I feel like it's going too quick.

I know this will go too quick.

I don't even know if I have the same desire to leave anymore.

I do love this town.

I love these people.

Everyone I have been trying or thinking about escaping are going in September too.

Leaving just the brightness.

I don't know.

Does she disapprove? Fran. Does she disapprove of me leaving her brother?

Damn we've only been- we only kissed for the first time a little while ago.

It hasn't even been-

We're nothing serious. Anyway.

He made sure I knew that.

Like he- He wants us to be a secret.

So surely that must mean he's prepping for this to be short term.

My body tenses at the thought of only knowing Rowan short term.

I furrow my eyebrows.

I don't want to only know Roe short term.

Like I have said, these people are my friends. Like Sutton and Rowan. They're so good. So kind. So funny. We all fit. I feel like I fit with them.

So what happens to our friendship if- when I go?

I mean- I assume-

Oh gosh.

This is why Rowan and I do not talk about this.

Because even thinking about it is confusing.

And I am know Rowan's brain is probably also confused.

Or he's not.

I don't know.

He said we can be anything I want us to be.

But what does that mean?

What do I even want-

I hear keys in the door and I sigh out relieved. It's audible and Sutton and Fran look up from their screen to me and I smile a little apologetically.

I wasn't relieved he was back because I didn't wanna be with them.

Just he calms the spiralling and well- I was happy to see him.

Rowan comes in. I hear it's him by just the way it sounds for him to dump down his bag and his keys. I know it's him because the others would have called out a hello.

I wasn't surprised when he didn't call out.

He's always quieter after therapy. So was my brother. August always struggled after going to the doctors. That's what mum would say when I asked where he was, and he was at therapy. 'Oh he's at the doctors having a chat baby'.

When Roe came through to the dining room and when he smiled a little at me, and then swallowed and regarded the other two. I knew he was actively trying to act normal, ask how he was before he left.

I can feel the change of mood as easily as seeing the change of colour in his eye. It's bright and it stands out and I hope he doesn't feel exposed.

Because I think he's trying to hide it but we can all see it.

"How was it?" Fran asks. "Did they mention you not going yesterday?"

"Yeah. It was all good. She understood."

"Oh? Well I hope she wasn't too forgiving." Fran smiles a little. "Just- you need to be going."

"I am going." Rowan says, walking around and he comes and joins me back down our end. His eyes immediately going back to the book he was reading.

Sutton and I exchanged one glance.

He shook his head very slight.

I think trying to tell me not to push it.

I wasn't going to.

But I did want coffee.

"Hey." I whisper.

Both Fran and Sutton stare down, sort of in warning at me. Trying to get me to shut up.

Rowan's mood wasn't bad. He just seemed off and I think it's easy to grasp by now that he tries to mask the way he feels. That when he seems ok but also seems a little off, quiet. That it could actually be something huge he's trying to keep under control.

So they're trying to tell me not to push him.

To let him be.

Rowan looks up at me, his finger lifting to touch the word he's on, holding his place.

Which was cute.

"Can I make a coffee?" I say quietly.

He nods once.

"Would you like one? Or tea? Or a hot chocolate. I am good at hot chocolate."

Rowan nods again and he reaches forwards and closes his book, slowly standing to his feet.

Oh.

Ok.

He can come.

I was gonna make one for him.

But instead, I just stand up too, sending Sutton a look that says I'm not sure what's happening. I lead us past Sutton and Fran, walking into the kitchen and Rowan breathes out.

Just once, loud enough for me to notice it's slight shake, how his breathing seemed a little strained.

"Hot chocolate?" I ask.

"You should offer Sutton and my sister one too." Rowan says.

I nod. "Yeah but do you have milk alternatives for Sutton?"

"Yeah."

"Then I will just make them one and surprise them."

"Ok."

He walks over to the side and leans against it.

So I just head behind the counter and look around for things I need.

I don't ask.

I won't ask him to talk more than he needs to.

He will direct if he's tired of watching me look for things. But he doesn't, he just watches me find everything in silence.

Rough session? I could ask. But I don't. Are you ok? Is another question on the tip of my tongue. Do you need a hug? Another one. Do you need to go lie down?

I'll come.

I know he doesn't want me to ask though.

Other wise he would be telling me.

I put the pan on the stove and I pour some of Sunny's oat milk into it.

I look up over it and make eye contact with Roe.

His cheeks were flushed. The rest of his skin pale, almost icy looking. I cocked my head. His eyes lazily regarding me back.

I place the wooden spoon in the pan and I lift my hands so he could see.

Hi. I sign.

Rowan half smiles and very lazily lifts one hand to sign a greeting back to me.

I like your face. I sign.

I had learnt this.

He gives me one single amused sound.

I pout at him.

He shrugs one shoulder. Shaking his head to say no that he wasn't going to talk to me right now.

So I just make the hot chocolate.

Hoping that he finds a little comfort watching me do so.

"How far into your essay have you got?"

I smile a little, looking down at the thickening chocolate drink. "I finished it, concluded and everything. Was just trying to edit."

"If I edit it for you right now, can we watch a movie instead?"

I look up. Smile slightly amused. "You don't need to edit it for me. I will do it tomorrow. Yeah of course we can go watch a movie."

"Yeah?"

I nod at him.

"Thanks."

"Shush it's fine." I say watching him.

"In the front room though." He shares. "There is more room."

I look at him.

His lips tug up apologetically.

He doesn't wanna touch.

I got it.

"Should I invite Fran and Sutton?" I ask.

He shrugs. "Aren't they still busy?"

"Maybe, but I could just ask them?"

He nods.

"Go choose whatever you want?" I ask, offer.

Rowan quirks an eyebrow. "What? No protests?"

"Nah, I don't mind today."

And so he walks around the counter and gets out four mugs for me.

"So whatever I want?" Rowan asks as he places the mugs down beside me and I start to fill Sutton and mine up. I wanted to try the milk alternative.

"Yeah, I am tired. I will probably fall asleep whatever we put on anyway. So choose a comfort movie and we'll watch it."

"Ok." Rowan says. "I'll go grab you a blanket then?"

I smile gratefully and he leaves me, disappearing out into the hall and then upstairs.

I pour Fran a cup and then grab Sutton's and hers, walking back through the kitchen to the dining hall to them.

"I have hot chocolate. No pressure. Don't drink it if you don't want it, but err, here." I say, handing Sutton his and Fran hers.

"How is he?" Fran asks quietly.

I shrug. Because I am not too sure. "He wants to watch a movie, do you two wanna join?"

They look at each other.

"Er I have to send a few more emails and then maybe?" Sutton says, looking at Fran. She shrugs, saying she does not mind.

"Okay, we are gonna start it though, so just join us?"

He nods.

So does Fran.

So I turn to leave.

"Wait, cheers for the hot chocolate." Sutton calls after me.

"No worries." I say, turning to give him a quick grin and I leave them there. I head through his house and find Rowan with our two mugs in the front room.

I haven't been in the front room for long before. I definitely haven't sat down.

"Hi." I say to him, he looks up from his spot on the couch.

There is one long couch opposite the TV which is mounted on the wall and then another smaller cosier couch to the side.

Roe is on the long one and I go and sit down the other end, bringing my legs up and pulling one of the blankets he brought closer to me and covering my legs.

"They said they might be in in a little bit."

"Ok." He says, relaxing into his seat a little as he presses the play button. I don't even know what is playing, I don't pay much attention as I grab my phone out the pocket of my sweater and read quickly through the messages.

Blaise: I am probably going to be out of school for a couple of weeks, could you pick up work for me and give it to your mum? She said you'd be fine with it but I wanted to ask you

I text back quickly.

Lottie: Yeah I can. Send me your schedule so I know what classes you have? What's going on? How were your parents?

Blaise: Unimpressed. Stressed. I am being carted off to rehab apparently

I make a stressed sound and Rowan lifts his eyes from the screen and his head turns to me.

Lottie: Could they not just support you at home?

Blaise: Don't need the support at all

I roll my eyes.

"What's up?" Rowan asks.

I just shake my head. "Just Blaise stuff."

"Can I see?" He asks.

I raise my eyebrows and I shrug, showing him the screen and he moves closer to me, my eyebrows raising more as he moves into my own little space bubble.

He reads the messages. "Ask him where?"

I type the message and Rowan, whose hips were still over across the couch from me but whose top half was leaning towards me, leant onto my side as he watched me type.

I adjusted myself a little and Rowan's weight rested more on me as he watched me type the question.

"Hey Roe?" I whisper.

He nods.

"You ok?"

He nods again.

Ok.

I won't ask again.

I lift my hand slowly up from being trapped between us and I gently move his hair up from over his eyes, not touching his skin but watching the reaction.

"You wanna rest on me then?" I ask.

He looks at me confused and I tap my lap a little, my legs still folded under me but he turns and he rests his head done against my thigh and I keep my phone hovered by his face so he can read Blaise's message.

I then just put my phone down when he doesn't say anything more and he looks towards the TV. His legs long over the other end of the couch but his shoulders and head reasted up against my thighs as I snuggled myself into the corner of the sofa.

"I feel shitty." He whispers. "Sorry."

"Shush." I hush and I lift my hand and gently run my fingertips through his hair. "Tell me if you want me to stop."

"It's nice." He whispers.

I smile at that and keep going, my eyes falling onto the tv now as we both settle into the movie.

It wasn't long before both of our eyelids were drooping.

I think my nails running gently over Rowan's skin had his eyes closing and the feeling of someone lightly dozing so close to me was making me sleepy.

Sutton and Fran gently open the living room door, both their eyes taking in the sight of Rowan and I curled up on the couch together. I look down at Rowan and his eyes slowly open, feeling the change.

He doesn't move though.

He just adjusts slightly so he was comfier, and I move my hand again, threading his hair through my fingertips.

Sutton grabbed a blanket from the end of our couch we were on, and he went and sat in one of the armchairs whilst Francesca spread herself over the little sofa and laid down.

They didn't disrupt the peaceful feeling. It was a Saturday afternoon, but this definitely gave of Sunday vibes.

After Fran and Sutton settle, Roe turns a little to look up at me and I look down at him, moving my fingertips down his cheek and over his jaw.

My mum used to do this thing, when one of us were stressed or having a meltdown. She would ask us to count how many moles she had on her arms or on her face, even sometimes her legs.

And we would relax, our fingertips over her skin as we counted them. But I knew it was also slightly for her as well, it always deescalated the situation.

She would calm down too. And she would be able to reason with us.

This was mainly when we were like under ten and having a tantum.

But I start to count his freckles, just running my fingertips over his face as I calculate a number in my mind, his eyes closing again as I gently ran my fingertips over his eyelashes.

His eyebrows were pretty dark, but his lashes were fair.

I didn't realise how long they were.

"Can I please put mascara on your lashes?" I whisper.

He hums. "Not now."

"But at some point?"

"Mhm."

I smile, moving a little under him to get comfy.

His eyes open. "You hurting?"

I shake my head and so he turns his head and looks back at the movie.

I can see his eye. Like the special one, from the way he was looking. The one with the leaky iris. The one with a smudge of green in.

I wonder what he thinks about soulmates.

Because the green is the exact same colour as my green.

Okay calm down.

I smile a little, brushing his hair up again and I watch in satisfaction as his eyelids seem to grow heavy again.

I look back up too, going to look back at the screen but instead I feel Sunny's eyes on me

I look at him.

He had one eyebrow raised, a openly sly expression on his lips.

I stare back wide eyed.

"So er, what's happening guys?" He says.

Rowan sleepily lifts his head to look at Sutton.

"We're watching a movie?" I say quietly. "Sutton..?"

"I just mean like-" He pouts and looks between us. "Fill me in."

"There's nothing to fill in..." I mumble.

I was going to just let Rowan deal with Sutton's questions, but I gathered he wasn't going to say much.

"Like are you two... okay just tell me to fuck off if you don't wanna say but obviously-" He gestures to us. "Something is going on. So are yous friends or are yous just like messing around or are you-"

Rowan interrupts. "We're... er dating."

I must have looked shocked. Sutton's eyebrows shoot up too.

"All right with you?" Roe mutters, his mood bad but my stomach twisting in affection for him.

Sutton presses his lips together to conceal a smirk and he nods. Rowan looks back at the TV and I stare down at him in surprise.

I thought he didn't wanna be like- something proper.

Or well he didn't want school to know.

I am confused.

Sutton's attention goes back to the screen, Fran hadn't said anything anyway and I hadn't looked at her.

I stare down at Rowan and begrudgingly his eyes flick to mine, then back to the screen and then after processing I was looking at him, he looks back up at me.

"Ok?" He whispers, his eyes bearing deeply up at me.

I nod.

"Sure?" Roe asks. "I can take it back?"

I shake my head. "Don't you dare." I whisper.

"Ok."

128 errors in this one:) looool hope it was ok