TW: mentions and themes
of depression, drug use
ARLO P.O.V
Depression
What a loaded word.
By book definition depression is: feelings of severe despondency and dejection; a constant feeling of sadness and loss of interest.
A mental illness that affects more than 280 million people in the world.
I'm one of 280 fucking million people that find themselves more times than not, so empty inside, questioning if they are a person or just a lifeless body.
I'm one of 280 fucking million people that find the simple things in life too hard to even attempt.
I'm one 280 fucking million people that struggle to feel.
Maybe that's just me...maybe I'm the only one that feels like that.
Depression is something that's been part of my life since the beginning of my time. I vividly remember when I was four not wanting to brush my teeth because the idea of leaving my bed and walking to the bathroom felt impossible.
Now, I know young children usually hate brushing their teeth, but not me. I was always on top of it. I looked forward to standing in my bathroom and cleaning my teeth for two minutes. I felt satisfied by the smooth and squeaky feeling that was left on my teeth after I finished.
I was and still am a very hygienic person. I take showers everyday, only washing my hair twice out of the week. I have a morning and night skincare routine that I follow to ensure my skin is as healthy as possible. I brush my teeth twice a day, right when I wake up and right when I go to sleep. I also carry floss with me everywhere I go because I have a fear of having food in my teeth.
At four I may have not established a skin care routine yet, but I still showered everyday and brushed my teeth twice a day.
One morning I woke up with this strange feeling inside. It was like there was a weight on my chest that made it impossible to move. I had mysteriously lost all of my desire to do anything. All I wanted to do was lay in bed all day while I looked up at the ceiling and questioned why I was even alive.
It wouldn't have been the first time I questioned my existence. I did that a lot, when I'd go to daycare, sit in the car looking out the window, or go shopping. There would be random moments where time would pause and all I could think about was why I am on this earth.
I didn't want to get out of bed, I just wanted to go back to sleep for the rest of the day and wake up when it was tomorrow. I had these thoughts floating in my head that made me want to scream from how painfully loud they were.
That was the first time the voices in my head made an appearance
They were telling me the most awful things that no four year old should ever have to hear. I remember the voices were my mother and father, continuously scolding me for being alive.
I wonder if that was the moment I started to believe the words that my parents would tell me were true.
That day I didn't brush my teeth, I didn't shower, and I didn't eat. I stayed in my bed feeling hopelessly worthless.
I would say I'm depressed all the time, there isn't a moment where I don't feel like a black void of nothingness. My depression isn't always to the extreme of doing nothing but lay in bed all day.
For the past three days however, I suffered through the worst of my depression. For three days I didn't move from my bed.
My room was completely trashed to the point I could barely see the floor, and for once I didn't care. I looked at the mess and shrugged it off.
I stayed in my bed for the past three days doing absolutely nothing. The only time I would get up out of my bed, is if I needed to use the bathroom, and even then I would hold it off for as long as possible.
I didn't shower, I didn't do my skin care, I didn't brush my teeth, I didn't change my clothes and I didn't do drugs.
I just laid there, not moving a muscle, as I let my thoughts consume every once of my being. I was paralyzed with agony and torture, but refused to let it show on my face.
Nothing mattered, I didn't care if I looked horrible, I didn't care if I wasn't clean, I didn't care if I was missing school, I didn't care if my hand was fucked up from punching my wall, and I didn't care if I was laying in a filthy room.
All my responsibilities didn't matter to me. Nothing mattered to me.
That's the thing about my life, I just don't care about anything or anyone. I don't know how or what care feels like. It's just this action I see but can't comprehend.
I really am fucked up
I hate feeling empty constantly. There is something I've been missing my entire life, and I can't find a single thing to fill the hole.
I've tried swimming, I've tried yoga, I tried hanging out with my three friends, I've tried shopping, I've tried sex, I've tried drug and many other things throughout. Nothing has ever worked.
Maybe that's my purpose, to show people what it's like to feel incomplete 24/7.
Last night or should I say this morning around two, I shot up from bed after having another nightmare. When I scanned my room and saw how messy it was, my whole body started to burn with panic.
I quickly stood up and started to deep clean my entire room. I made sure to put it back to the way it was before. I didn't finish cleaning until six in the morning.
After that I quickly hopped in the shower to wash my body and hair. I lathered myself in body wash three separate times to make up for the days I missed.
I assessed and cleaned my hand to the best of my ability. It hurt to move, my knuckles throbbed and my hand itself was inflamed.
I definitely sprained it
I started to get ready for school after finishing assessing my wound. I knew I had to force myself to go because being in my bedroom a moment longer would make me go crazy.
I threw on a pair of grey leggings, and a long black sweater. I put on calf length white socks which I scrunched down and put on my Air Force ones.
I left once I was full dressed and ready, and headed to school.
Now I'm sitting in music class waiting for the bell to ring any moment now.
On cue the loud ringing pierces my ears making me wince. I groan as I throw my bag over my shoulder and slowly make my way out the door.
"Arlo." My teacher calls for me before I can make it out of the class.
I let out a huff of air before turning around and walking towards his desk. "Mr. Clay."
He smiles at me with such glee it makes me want to puke. "Arlo, I just wanted to talk to you quickly. I promise I won't keep you too long."
I nod my head as I rock back and forth on my feet waiting for him to get on with whatever he wants to tell me.
"Look, Arlo." He starts out sympathetically. I already know how this is going to go, as I've heard this tone of voice from my past teachers. "I know you have a history of not attending school. I've heard that you skip a lot or come in late."
What does he want a cookie for knowing that?
"Yeah...so?" I mumble, looking down at my hands as I pick my cuticles around my fingernails.
"This class is very important to show up to. It's an attendance based class." He starts to explain, "I grade you off of performances we do in class, as well as concerts. The thing is, you can only attend the concerts if you come to class and learn the pieces. What I'm trying to say is, if you want to pass my class, you need to show up."
I hold back from rolling my eyes. I couldn't give less of a fuck about my grades or concerts. I don't really care if I fail or I don't make an A. If I don't want to come to school then I'm not coming.
I started to miss school a lot more when I was in my sophomore year. My mother was gone a lot and at the time was barely talking to me. She didn't care what I did or where I went. She didn't care if I went to school or if I stayed home.
She didn't care if I was dead or alive
I found it difficult to have the will to get up and go anywhere. So I started to just skip school. My mom would receive calls from the school informing her I was absent and she just thanked them for letting her know, but didn't do a single thing to punish me.
She didn't scold me, she didn't ground me, she didn't yell at me. She did absolutely nothing because that is what I am to her, nothing.
My grades started to slip a lot that year too because I would miss so much school, that when I came back, all the work I missed would all just pile onto me. I had no will to touch or even attempt to work on anything. I went from being a straight A student to straight C's.
That didn't bother me, I mean it's just a letter, not like my life depends on it. I still advanced to the next year with no issue. No one in my life cared that my grades dropped and no one tried to fix my skipping school.
"Mk." I murmur under my breath, finally meeting his eyes making me instantly wish I didn't because of the pity and concern that fills them, makes me irritated.
Mr. Clay clears his throat and adjusts his tie. "You're dismissed. Have an amazing weekend and try to start coming to school."
I nod my head and turn around, exiting the class. I walk through the halls quickly, trying to get to the lunch room fast so I can sit and just eat in peace.
As I walk into the hectic lunch room, I scan for an empty table. The one that I sat at on the first day of school is open. I make my way over to the table and set my bag down on top once I reach it.
I take a seat and slump in my chair. My head hangs low, refusing to accidentally make eye contact with anyone. I run my right hand aggressively over my face and punch the bridge of my nose.
The coke I took this morning has worn off completely, leaving me more irritable than normal. It also left me with a wonderful headache that won't go away until I take more.
I hate everything about school. I hate that I can't run off and snort coke when I need to. I hate that I can't pop a pill without teachers making a big ass deal over it. I hate that I can't even smoke. I don't get what the big deal is. It's not like I'm forcing other people to do drugs.
I feel and hear movement happening around me. The sound of chairs moving and the table rattling forced my head to snap up.
My eyes widen, not expecting to see what I am right now. Alli and Nini are both taking out their lunches while they talk to each other.
I furrow my brows and shoot them a confused look. "What are you two doing?"
I thought after everything that happened on Tuesday, they would never talk to me again. I guess I was wrong.
"Sitting down to eat lunch. What are you doing?" Alli states as if there wasn't a big ass elephant in the room.
"Yeah I can see that." I say with an attitude, "I'm asking why are the two of you sitting with me?"
Alli and Nini both freeze whatever movements they were doing to distract themselves from the tension that's clouding around us right now.
They both look at me, then each other, then back at me. I wait for one of them to speak and explain themselves. Both of them however sit in silence looking at me.
I roll my eyes and speak up again to hopefully get the conversation rolling. "Why are you two sitting with me after what happened on Tuesday? I thought we were done being my friends."
They both inhale a sharp breath taken aback by my words. I'm being very blunt as I hate beating around the bush. It's fucking annoying to have worthless conversation when you can just suck it up and get right to the point.
"Uhhhh," Nini looks at Alli for some assistance on what to tell me.
Can they just spit it out already
Alli brings her hand up to her mouth and fake coughs as she clears her throat. "Arlo...the reason we're sitting with you is because you are our best friend."
I know I'm their 'best friend,' they remind me of it every damn day. What I don't get is why after how terribly I've treated them, they still consider me their best friend.
I thought for sure by now, they would have fucked off with me, and hang out with people like Jane or something.
I reach into my bag and pull out my lunch for the day. "That still doesn't explain why you're sitting with me."
"Look, Arlo, yes we had a blow up on Tuesday, but we really truly love you. We aren't just going to abandon you. You are our best friend and have been for thirteen years. You can't throw us away that easily." Nini says softly in a caring voice.
I etch my brows together, trying to process what she just said. I don't get it, it doesn't make sense to me why even though yes, I've been their best friend for a long time, that they wouldn't leave me. I pushed Nini for crying out loud and caused her to have a cut on her elbow. I made Alli cry and gave me one of the most disappointed looks I've ever received. That's saying a lot since I'm a disappointment to my parents.
I'm a terrible person
I deserve no good in life
I shake my head at them. "You should throw me away. I'm a horrible person. I-"
"Will you shut up?" Alli snaps, cutting my ramble off. "Arlo we don't care, yes you aren't always the best, but you know what? We don't care because we know that's not who you are, okay. We know something happened to you and we want nothing more than to know what it is and support you, but we were talking and collectively decided to lay off."
"Yeah." Nini chimes in, "the reason you are always so irritated with us is because we constantly press you on things. We both know you hate when we do that, so we are going to try and stop. It's going to be hard, but just know we are doing it because we care deeply for you."
They always say that to me. They always say they care for me or they love me, but I don't know what that feels like. When they say that, I get confused, I'm not sure what that means, or looks like. To me, they are two pointless words that have a dictionary definition, but truly have no meaning.
I do wish I knew what it feels like to be loved and cared about, but my brain refuses to let me. My brain is wired to only process and acknowledge pain.
I silently nod my head, not feeling like arguing back. If I know anything about the three of us, it's that we are all hard headed, and never budge our views or decisions when we have our minds set on something.
We don't say much more, all of us focus on eating. Alli and Nini talk here and there, but I sit zoned out. What breaks me out of my empty mind is the feeling of burning.
My skin is flushed with fire, goosebumps spread all over my skin, my mind tickles. It's a feeling I've felt before. Like clockwork, I look up and instantly lock eyes with the familiar green pair I can't seem to escape.
Harry stares at me from across the lunch room at the same table he was sitting at on the first day of school, analyzing me as if I'm some puzzle. His face is set in stone. His jaw is tight, his nostrils are slightly flared, his eyes are squinted scorching into my own.
I sit and stare at him back. Neither one of us breaks away from the strong contact. I'm finding it impossible to want to leave his line of sight. It's as if my eyes are glued to him, with no way to ever break free. Like I've been hypnotized to only look at him.
Strangely, I don't mind too much.
Harry is the first to break contact when someone kicks him in the leg, making his face scrunch up in pain. I snort at how dumb his face looks. I take my gaze away from him and back to the table.
"So are you in Arlo?" Alli asks with a smile.
"What?" I reply confused as to what they are talking about.
"The party tomorrow, do you want us to pick you up?" She clarifies.
Oh a party...how fun
"What party?" I further question her. There are some people in the town that I refuse to go to any party they host.
"Well, as you already know the party is tomorrow and it's being hosted at McKenna Ross' house." Nini informs me of the details.
"Ew" I comment absentmindedly. I am not a big McKenna Ross fan. She's way too happy go lucky, it makes me sick at how much she fucking smiles.
Does her cheeks not hurt?
Sure she seems like a great person, but there's just something about her, an itch I get that rubs me the wrong way.
"What do you mean ew?" Nini giggles as she licks yogurt off of her spoon.
I let a huff out as I rolled my eyes. "I mean, McKenna Ross hosting a party is ew. What the hell are we going to do at her party, go around in a circle and compliment each other? Talk about ways to better the community? I'd rather jump off a cliff and plummet to my death."
"Jesus Arlo, you're always so negative." Alli scolds me with a click of her tongue. "Her party is going to be fine, McKenna believe it or not knows how to get down."
Oh I believe it
McKenna has this whole, innocent, sunshine, angel front. I personally think it's fake and secretly she's some freak, bitch, who's rude as hell, but that could just be me. I chose to think the worst of everyone.
I shrug my shoulders, "I guess I'll go, what time does it start?"
"11" Nini quickly replies with no hesitation as if she knew exactly what I was going to ask. "We'll pick you up around 10:45 so be ready."
"Can I invite Willy?" There is no way in hell I'm going without him. The girls may invite and take me to all the parties, but I only actually spend maybe thirty minutes max with them before they wander off. Willy is the only person who stays by my side the whole time.
"Yeah." Alli pauses to look at me, "that's fine." She huffs out a sigh.
Alli and Nini aren't the biggest fans of Willy because they know he's the one who always supplies me with drugs. Willy is a really sweet guy and is one of those dudes anyone can get along with. Most people talk to him about drugs since he kind of in a way is a drug dealer, but not fully.
He just always has drugs on him.
"Cool." I respond with no enthusiasm. Honestly I don't know if I can deal with going to a party, but I need a distraction, so I'll take what I can get.
﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀
Walking into my house makes me want to vomit. I always feel so sick when I'm here. I wish there was somewhere I could go to escape this place. I have the lookout point, but I, more than anything, want a place with a bed that I can sleep in when I don't want to return home at night.
Alli, Nini and even Willy always offer for me to stay the night at their place, but the thought makes me uncomfortable. I don't like sleeping in a bed with other people, or in places that aren't my own.
The thought of cuddling makes me want to claw my eyes out and burn my skin. I don't get why people willing have physical contact with someone that isn't sex. What's so great about laying up on someone with no intentions but to just lay there? It's fucking weird.
I haven't had a sleepover with someone since I was twelve. Alli and Nini invite me to have one all the time, but I decline. The two of them are always sleeping over at each other's houses.
Over the years they have grown super close as I've grown distant. If I'm being completely honest, I feel like a third wheel in the friendship. I feel like a second choice. I can't complain though, it's my fault I feel like this.
Maybe one day I'll find a place far away from this wretched house, that I can feel at peace in. Every time I walk in, instead of feeling dead, I'll feel alive.
I just want to stop feeling like I'm a corpse everyday
I've been in my room for about an hour now. The second I got back to my house from school, I raced up my stairs, shuffled into my bedroom and snorted some lines of coke. I also smoked a joint as I laid flat on my back. Now I'm sitting at my desk painting my nails.
I have this hidden talent at being really good at doing my nails. I try a lot of random things as a pass time to distract myself.
I was eager to do my nails because when I arrived there was a package with my name on it waiting for me at the doorstep. I saw it was from the small online store I get all my nail products from.
I'm doing my favorite and at this point, signature nail set. On my left hand, my thumb, pinkie, and ring finger are painted a pastel purple color. My middle and index finger are painted with a clear nail polish and topped off with small purple butterfly decorations. On my right hand, my middle, index and pinky fingers are painted purple. My thumb and ring fingers are the ones decorated with the butterflies.
My led lamp beeps indicating that my nails are done curing and are completely finished. I hold both of my hands up in front of my face and wiggle my fingers showing off my hard work to myself.
I gently check all my nails to ensure that they are all dry. Once I do, I start to pick up everything and clean up my mess.
As I'm putting my nail box away on the top shelf in my closet, I hear my doorbell ring.
I instantly stiffen up at the sound. I get flashbacks from the last time my doorbell was rung and the outcome of that was not pleasant at all. I'm hoping maybe it's a delivery person or some door to door salesmen that will just go away after a few minutes.
I step down from my step stool and fold it up, I hear my doorbell ring again.
What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck!
I panic silently in my head at the sound. Who the hell is here? Why won't they leave? Do I ever get a break?
I swallow my nerves and store them at the bottom of my stomach to deal with later. I exit my room and make my way down the stairs. The doorbell rings again, making me irritated.
Maybe it's Alli and Nini again, I'm getting deja vu from Tuesday.
I reach my front door and swing it open before the person on the other side has the chance to ring the doorbell again. I latch my gaze onto the person on the other side of the door and freeze.
A tall man with dark brown almost black hair and dark brown eyes, dressed in all black stands across from me. His hands are tucked into the pockets of his slacks. He looks up at me with a menacing smile.
"Hello." His voice isn't as deep as I expected. It's full of enthusiasm which makes me feel all the more freaked out.
Who the fuck is this guy?
"Who are you?" I ask him, cutting to the chase, not wanting to waste any extra time with him than I have to.
He lets out a bellow of a laugh throwing his head back. "Wow no hello back? Harsh, but expected."
I narrowed my eyes on him. Why is this guy joking at me as if he knows me somehow?
"Who the fuck are you and what do you want." I snapped at him. Probably not a great idea to snap at a stranger, but he's pissing me off.
"Wow, he was right, you are feisty." He laughs to himself as if he's saying some inside joke. I look at him like he's crazy. "Oh right, sorry, I'm Miller, well that's my last name, my first name is Vincent, but everyone calls me Miller."
I try to rack in my brain if I've ever met or even heard the name Miller pop up before. He keeps alluding to the fact that he knows me or knows of me, but I have no clue who this guy is.
Honestly I'm really fucking creeped out.
"Am I supposed to know who you are?" I tilt my head. I stay standing in my entryway, letting the door cover half of my body, to almost protect myself from anything that might happen.
"Of course you have no clue who I am. You are Arlonza Steele, correct?" My eyes widened from my name rolling off his tongue. How the fuck does this guy know me, I have no clue. "I'm going to say that you are, by the shocked look on your face. You really need to work on hiding your emotions better. Anyways, that's besides the point. I work for your father, Mr. Steele."
The minute the words leave his mouth, I feel my whole body tense in pain. The mention of my father is one I didn't expect to come from him, but it all makes sense as to why he's acting like he knows me.
"Your father asked me to walk you through, and help with the drop." He further explains.
A pit forms in my stomach at him bringing up the drop. I completely forgot about my father asking me to do a drop for him.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck
"Your father told you about the drop right?" He asked with a tilt of his head.
I gulp on a large amount of air trying to calm down as a slight panic starts to swirl in my stomach. "Yeah, he did."
He nods his head and smiles at me. His smile is as fake as my mother's tits. "Okay so you do know, why have you been ignoring my phone calls then? Hmm? Trying to get out of it?"
Miller's happy go lucky attitude disappears and he begins to talk to me with authority. The way he is stern with me as he asks questions reminds me way too much of my father and I hate it. It makes me mad the way he's talking to me, no one gets to talk to me that way.
"Okay first off Miller, drop the fucking attitude. If you want answers then you will talk to me, not like I'm below you, but as your equal." I warn him, matching him with my own menacing tone. Father dearest taught me how to sound the exact same way, cold, heartless and intimidating.
Miller's face lights up with amusement. His eyes crinkle from how big he's smiling. I hate it, it makes me feel uneasy.
"You really are like your father. He's told everyone that you have some serious anger problems, but jeez, I didn't think it was this intense." Miller says as if it's the most fascinating thing to him. "So why did you ignore my calls then? I was calling the number Mr. Steele gave me so I assume it's the right one."
I intensely rolled my eyes at him. "Do I have your number saved on my phone?"
He cocks a brow up and shakes his head. "No, I don't believe you do."
I hum, "that makes a lot of sense why I was, quote, ignoring your calls. I don't answer calls that aren't from people saved on my contact list."
"Ah" Miller nods his head in understanding. "I need to go over details about the drop with you, and since I couldn't get ahold of you, I've come to tell you in person-"
"Get on with it then." I interrupt him, I don't have the time or patience for him.
"Well, aren't you a fun person." He whistles awkwardly. "Anyways as I was saying, the drop is going to be in two to three weeks. The order is coming from somewhere foreign so it's taking longer than normal."
He takes a step closer to me and bends down to my level.
Wtf is he doing
"All you have to do when the time comes is go in and give him the money which we already have prepared. Once you pay him, he will give you access to the products. Me and some other men will load it and take it to our warehouse." He speaks quietly as if he was worried someone was going to hear.
I step away from him after the hairs on my neck stand from his breath hitting my ear. He's far too close for my liking. If I could have it my way, I wouldn't have him around at all.
"Doesn't this all sound shady?" I ask the question that has been burning my tongue begging to be spoken since Miller revealed who he is to me. "I mean, why does this person want to meet either my father or a family member, that doesn't make any sense whatsoever."
Something about this whole thing feels off to me.
"Look, I don't know and I don't care okay, all I care about is getting the product so I don't get my dick shot off alright." He replies in a condescending tone that makes me want to run him over with my car.
I scoff and roll my eyes. "Is that all?"
Miller smiles and nods, clasping his hands together. "I believe so." He pulls out his phone, and types something on it. Seconds later I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. "That's my number, save it, so that the next time I call, which will be soon I'm sure, you will actually answer,and I can avoid making a drive and being around you."
I pull my phone out of my pocket and look at his text which is just of his name. I click and save his number as a contact. I shove my phone back into my pocket and look up to see him still standing there.
"If that's all you can leave." I tell him in hopes he gets the point and leaves.
"That is all, I guess I will head out now." He turns around and starts to head towards his car. I let out a sigh of relief and began to close the door, but before I could he said one last thing. "Nice meeting you Arlonza, can't wait to spend more time with you."
He smirks at me before waving and getting into his car and speeding away. I slam the door shut and race up my stairs and back into my bedroom.
I go into my closet and grab my special box. I bring the box to my bed and lay out all the materials to once again snort some more coke.
The conversation I had with Miller drained me completely of any life I may have had in me. Once the coke is all set up and ready. I bend down and take six lines with no break in between.
I don't care if my nose will burn and be raw tomorrow. I need to get high and I need to do it fast. I set my tray over onto my nightstand and fall back onto my bed.
I lay with my hands covering my stomach as I stare at the blank ceiling trying to collect my thoughts. If I'm being real, I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. I'm malfunctioning from all of the shit being thrown at me. I can't keep up, I'm drowning from all of this shit. I swear I pissed off the universe big time or something.
What the actual fuck is life
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A/N: well things seem to be heating up in Arlo's life.
Another new character?!?
Introducing to ya'll...
Gavin Leatherwood as Vincent Miller
See you in the next one
-iz