The loud beeping noise and rattling disturbed the peaceful darkness he had dwelled into, his ears responding to the loud guttural voice echoing in the room 'WHY IS HE HERE!?' the owner of the voice was angry, no! furious! but another voice whispered and shushed him, were they talking about him? The siren was getting louder in his head, with the realized why. Namjoon's warning repeated in his mind and his chest painfully contracted. The image of his handsome, perfect Jin, the body that he worshipped shriveled up under the blanket with shadows of suffering marking his ghastly pale skin. His mind played in the loop the face that would light up with the slightest smile, cheeks dipping in as his eyes crinkled and plump lips lined up the jawline in a peal of beautiful laughter, that was before he had hurt him. The way his ego had blinded him to ignore the pain behind tears-stained cheeks, trembling in his crooked fingers clutching his pants, and even the painful choking in his coarse sobs, begging him to reconsider, to trust him, to stop and help him. He didn't deserve to be near him, let alone touch him or talk to him. He would lock himself in the washroom, coughing and choking by himself, he must have been so terrified and yet he didn't let on. Why? Why didn't he tell me he was so seriously ill...why didn't I notice it? now he was waiting for his life to end. he was choking, causing his eyes to open, searching around the white ceiling, but two sets of palms held him back into the bed and forced him into guided breathing. The language was illegible but the rise and fall of his chest, his pale irises soothing momentarily, fair with blonde hair, the blue uniform paled him out further, Taehyung soon felt his racing heart once again beat rhythmically. There was a brief exchange of illegible words with one another burly face wearing a white coat, which he guessed was a doctor.
'Mr. Kim, do you know where you are?' broken in syllables, Taehyung concentrated on the words. English. His throat refused to cooperate, he answered with a nod. He tilted his head to find the angry whispers and found the same coat, Namjoon, but the other one, a burlier black-haired figure was not clear as Namjoon stood in front of him, his voice was familiar though. The doctor caught his attention again with the startling question, 'Do you have a history of panic disorder?' and then he realised what had happened, it was Jin and Jin alone who had witnessed his last panic attack, scarring his fragile state of mind after his grandmother's death. He had manifested Taehyung's reaction, protecting him from another bout where Jin himself was the cause. Jin's sobbing voice refusing to tell him why Namjoon was helping him get dressed up returned rushing to his mind, tears stung his eyes. He was brought back when Namjoon's fingers touched his arm, he was standing closer now rubbing a hand along his palm, how jealous had he been to doubt the ones protecting him. Namjoon whispered to him softly, his gaze softer now 'Taehyungie, the doctor is asking if you have the prescribed medicines? Can you sit up?' he could only nod, pointing to his bag. Namjoon got busy rummaging through his bag quickly, spilling over half the things but he had no energy to stop him or do it himself. It was only when the doctor left and Namjoon helped him sit up, he noticed the taller man by the door became clearer, recognising those bloodshot eyes and fuming stance 'Hyung...' he could hardly whisper, scared to see Kim Seokjoong.
Quickly averting his gaze, away from those hollow hurt gaze, the once intimidating figure had succumbed under all that the situation demanded of him, and yet his voice woke up every cell in his body 'Why are YOU HERE, KIM TAEHYUNG?'
'Breathe Taehyung-ah' Namjoon stroked his arm to remind a mechanical inhale and exhale exercise.
'Why the FUCK did you come? Answer me you-'
Taehyung rushed in to answer before he cursed, Jin would always hate his brother cursing 'I-I wan-ted to see him' his throat contracting under the stinging gaze.
'See him? Why? Why would YOU want to see him? Correct me if I am wrong, but you DUMPED him!' Taehyung jolted at his tone, shamelessly shriveling away into the mattress when Seokjoong stepped closer and his voice dropped to an eerie whisper, 'Kim Taehyung, I saw the red marks on his throat.' A cold chill ran down Taehyung's spine at the memory. After Namjoon left, all he could see was red and in that Jin was pinned to the wall, struggling to breathe. He had tried to hurt the man he loved the most. He had no right to see him again.
'I will punish you for that. But I want to know what you said to him that night in front of his door?' Seokjoong whispered.
He blinked back tears, every single word from that night, blocked away due to the pain it would cause, came back rushing to his mind. But he couldn't articulate it, not to the man seething in front of him, for hurting his baby brother 'I-I don't rem-remember'
'You don't remember? Ha! You don't remember what you said...' his dark and eerie laugh suddenly stopped to forcefully pull Taehyung to meet those dark, menacing eyes, ' but he heard it all, your words hurt him so much his lungs collapsed, his body gave up on him, HE GAVE UP!' Taehyung couldn't look away from the raw agony in those irises, piercing through his soul. The image of Jin, whom he promised to love and protect, giving up on his life, listening to his drunk slandering, crying vehemently, alone, physically hurt his chest 'He was suffocating in his pool of BLOOD! He was by the DOOR! LISTENING TO YOU...' Taehyung gasped at the realization, his words so painful, that he couldn't even feel the force with which he was pulled out of the bed. He fell to his knees only when Namjoon pulled them apart, dragging Seokjoong away, his arm still aimed at Taehyung's face he fought against the hold, but Taehyung couldn't will his legs to stand up, the image of Jin bleeding hurt his chest. He put so much effort into leaning on the nearby stool to prop himself on the bed again, eyes blurring with the things Jin had heard him say, the unthinkable curses he had poured out to the one he couldn't think of living without now, how ironic was that he had wished him to die while he was dying behind the door. He was in so much pain, but he couldn't feel it. He didn't feel the desperate call for help, of the one he had loved for five years. He deserved to be in so much pain, to be punished. Seokjoong could thrash him if he wished and it would still not ease his pain, 'Sorry Hyung...' was all he could offer though.
'I don't want your apology, I don't care what you say or do, you can die if you want to I don't care! BRING ME BACK MY BROTHER!' he yelled, fighting Namjoon so hard, that the latter almost tumbled. But his efforts immediately stopped, when Namjoon's bodyguard helped him pin Seokjoong against the wall. Exhausted, his feet gave out and he slid down the wall. Kim Seokjoon crumbled to his knees. The same man, Jin's Hyung, whom Taehyung had always feared. The same one that Jin called Unbreakable, now a mess of sobs and whimpers. Jin will hate this so much. 'Jin-ah was awake in the morn- morning, we talk-talked, played mar-mario-' his eyes met Taehyung's shocked ones 'WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HIM NOW?!' he wailed, dissing away Namjoon's hand soothing him 'HE WON'T WAKE UP NOW!' his fingers accusingly in the air 'YOU! YOU left him to die! YOU caused his hemorrhage the first time! And now, the second time!' he wailed, Taehyung felt his core trembling, heart racing in his ear. Jin is suffering again, because of him, he did it again! his breathing heightened just realized it, 'Are you trying to KILL HIM?! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?! FOR HIM TO DIE?!' Seokjoong fed his fears, desperation clawed his insides, and he had to see Jin, right at the moment. You can't die, Jin, please baby, just live, take my life, and live. His chest felt icy cold with the first step, fearing what to expect and yet determined.
'STOP! DON'T YOU DARE!' he froze, hypnotized by the cold glare. In a flash, Seokjoong Hyung jumped up to stand in his path. His body cooperated with the pleas of a desperate brother and yet his mind screamed, he had to see Jin, he had to feel his love, to live, to breathe. 'Stay away from him! Don't you dare see him! Even at his funeral, I won't let you see him! You don't deserve to! LEAVE Kim Taehyung, GET OUT!' Seokjoong unclenched his fingers, clawing at the fabric of his pants, his body had been wailing for any respite from this pain, while his mind had been stuck in the image of Jin he had seen earlier, battling for life. Mind and body at the battle, he watched Seokjoong's back, leaving him on the floor, wailing for any redemption 'Seokjin-ah please don't die on me! Please, angels, I beg of you, I beg of you, let him live! Please Hyung, let me see him, I can't live without him' he begged for this body-crushing pain to stop. Namjoon's palm wrapped around his head, frustrating him, for he couldn't feel the pleasure of banging it off the hard cold floor. His throat hurt, and his lips were dry, and yet the pain didn't stop. The image of Jin, his precious baby, on a bed, machines supporting his breathing, made his core tremble. An arm wound around his midriff stood him up. The lights were too bright and noises in the background irritated his ears but failed to break his daze. But he forced himself to focus, blinking hard to ensure he had heard it right, a voice announced again. Flight to Seoul from Gate 31. He stopped, where a finger wound around his wrist tugged at his arm, he blinked again, Namjoon Hyung was guiding him, to an airport. He never registered when they reached here, how he stood up, or when they left the hospital. Seokjoong Hyung's warnings flooded his mind, blurring his vision. STAY AWAY FROM JIN! If he left now, he would never be able to come back. Seoul, their home, rehearsal studio, endless days, waking up, working, eating, without his Jin. No! he cannot go back to that. He squirmed to unhand himself. ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL HIM?! Jin would be here, on the same hospital bed, alone, while he was away. The pain returned, wrenching his chest. He forced the hand loose, earning a nervous glance from Namjoon. Jin could be gone, while he is not here, NO! he cannot go! he is not allowed to leave without me. He held his chest, shaking his head staring directly at Namjoon's confused eyes 'I can't leave!' he managed to step back, he could not live in a world without Jin.
Namjoon's forehead dug deep, 'Taehyung-ah, you can't stay. You heard what Seokjoong Hyung said, he will not let you see Jin Hyung' he stepped closer 'Besides, I cannot leave you here, alone, like this.' and muttered something to the bodyguards. They stepped two steps back, it seemed like they were in a private lounge.
'I don't care. Hyung, I can't live without him, I will die there, it is a living torture without him. I can't bear that pain...' he blinked back the tears 'I won't be able to live with myself, let me take care of him-'
'How?' Namjoon's voice dropped dangerously low, Taehyung had hit a nerve 'How will you take care of him? By collapsing every single time you see him in pain?!' seething between teeth 'Or by trying some new stupidity?!' He pointed to the scar on Taehyung's wrist. 'Do you know why I was informed and not you? For one, our parents are friends and he needed someone close to giving him that love and support that he thinks he doesn't deserve, and you assured him that when you dumped him' Taehyung winced at the reminder. The day he inflicted an unexplainable amount of pain on his Jin, his eyes gave way to tears and he looked away from Namjoon's accusing gaze. 'And secondly, look at you! You collapsed just by the sight of him.' he felt the hands grip his shoulder, forcing him to meet those raging eyes again, it was the truth he couldn't deny 'Can you guarantee me you wouldn't fall again? Because..' Taehyung blinked to see Namjoon's stance slump, for the first time he saw his formidable older brother exhausted 'Why do you think he didn't want to tell you?' he waited for an answer and Taehyung gulped hard.
'Because he didn't want to worry me.' he was still unsure why nobody told him, by the looks of it, everyone except him knew.
'That too. But Taehyung-ah, Jin knew you would collapse' he shook his head 'If something were to happen to you, he wouldn't be by your side, that this time he would be the cause of it' his cheek felt hot with fresh tears ' Taehyung-ah, if something does happen to you, he will never recover from the shock, we might-' Namjoon's voice broke 'we might lose him forever' they felt real, his thoughts articulated in Namjoon's words, his fear felt real. He felt the utter need to run back to his bedside and hold him close, to feel his heart beating against his chest, the warm puffs of breath on his skin.
He pushed away Namjoon's pleading hands, clutching at his hair to stop the thoughts of losing Jin 'NO! He can't go!' his voice higher than intended 'I need him! Hyung!' he held Namjoon's hands 'Every day is hell! I can't eat, sleep, or breathe without him, how will I live without my Jin? No! No! I will go insane! I need my Jin, I still love him, I can't live without him' Taehyung rambled, tears soaking his cheeks. Namjoon seemed unconvinced 'Hyung, I promise- promise I won't collapse again. I will be strong, please trust me, I won't try anything stupid, I will endure everything, don't worry, I will, for Jin. I can do it, as long as Jin is with me, I will fight for him!'
'Taehyung-ah, I cannot stay with you, cannot protect you, not here, it will be very difficult...' Namjoon tilted his head, concern etched every corner of his face to watch his step backward. Taehyung could only feel his heart pounding in desperation, to see Jin.
'Don't worry, Hyung. I will be strong, I promise. He can push me away, hit me, I deserve it all. I am not asking for his love, all I need is to see him. Alive and well. I promise I won't give up.' he turned away when Namjoon nodded his approval. His feet only knew of one destination, until a thought corrupted his intention and he looked back at Namjoon, who smiled sadly
'I will take care of PD-nim' Namjoon assured him. He ran, as fast as he could.
The rise and fall of his chest did not match a rhythm, yet gave him a small hope. His flawless face, covered with an apparatus for life support, was drained and shadowed. He smiled softly, only you can pull off being a 'World Wide Handsome' patient, Jin-ah! Staring through the small glass on the door, he felt every passing staff staring at him. Not that it bothered him, even in the presence of a security guard next to him, Seokjoong Hyung must have left them with strict instructions. The moment he had entered, they stopped him, so he settled to stay outside the door. He would stay here, he could settle down here, even if Jin asked him to leave. His smile faded, and an unsettling wrenching returned in his chest. 'Please, please wake up Jin-ah'