'Thank you' the phone lit up in the darkroom. He could hardly sleep, with the day ingrained in his very being for the last seven years, he had no reference anymore on how to go about. How to wish your ex-boyfriend on birthday? can I wish my ex-boyfriend on birthday? what to gift ex-boyfriend on birthday? should I wish my ex-boyfriend who cheated on me? he stopped only when Naver issued a two-hour warning. Laying his head back into the pillow, he smiled, 4th December, reminiscing how big of a deal it was for Jin and his family. Every year, preparing for it weeks in advance his mother would send him a hamper, full of his favourite foods and drinks. Last year, in the absence of MAMA and other award functions, they had decided to surprise him with a brunch party at a swanky restaurant. He was already over the moon, jumping on a boat in glee with Taehyung's surprise overnight fishing trip. They dressed up for a fancy dinner only to spend the night undressing for Taehyung to ruin him. Now he smirked remembering how Jin could barely walk the next day and had hissed at him for teasing.
His memories froze momentarily when he heard the familiar voice echo as the rehearsal room door swung open.
'Stop whining Jungkook-ah!' Jin's voice echoed through the call. His heart thumped, realising, he had not expected to hear his voice today. The door closed and he was already missing it.
'Hyung, please let me visit you again. Pretty please!' now he could only hear Kook's voice as he leaned against the nearby wall. Why was he hiding? He didn't know. But he was not ready to hear Jin's voice let alone see him, he was not ready last month when Namjoon arrived and still is, not today of all the days.
'Ok, Hyung! some other time then' momentarily lost in the way his voice had set his mind on fire once again he did not hear Hobi Hyung approaching him,
'Hmm, he is... the same, but you don't wor-' Jungkook shoved the phone in his pocket when Hobi dragged Taehyung through the doors, barely meeting Kook's eyes he quickly changed shoes to practise.
'Taehyung-shi? You are doing it again..' the world had disappeared with Jungkook's words still echoing in the background did he visit Jin? When did he go? does he know how he is? Has he been eating well? Why didn't he know? Have they all been visiting Jin? His overthinking had been halted by the director yelling his name one more time.
'You drink, Kookie. Order some more if you want.' It was always refreshing to have a conversation with Jungkook. Taehyung couldn't help but return his genuine grin, the baby in him was happiest when fed and given unlimited access to drinks on a cheat day. He had learnt it from Jin, whenever Taehyung complained for teaching him all the weird things, he is learning life lessons, Voo-yah!.
'Kooks, what are your plans for the night? Want to jam it at the karaoke bar?' his wide eyes popped out, Taehyung could read them, and he knew the reason behind the look. Jungkook would observe other members try and fail to involve him in their plans and had himself decided to simply sit, hold his hand and listen to the silent tears whenever they traumatized him.
'I would love to, Hyung!' suddenly his grin dropped to a pout ' but they made me do so many retakes today, my voice feels sore and then we have recording again tomorrow....' he stabbed at the chicken giving up on his chopsticks, internally disappointed to miss this golden opportunity. 'Ok ok!' Taehyung helped him with the piece 'then what do you want to do? Want to come home?' his innocence so pure in that nod 'we can play games!! War of the worlds!' he beat his chest to imitate the Viking character and guttural voice, making him laugh for the first time in three months and Kook enjoyed this, his eyes soft with adoration. ' I have the latest version!' he managed to say between laughs.
'Yess! I was just talking about the new version with Jin-' his excitement suddenly muffled between tight lips, when Taehyung realised the sudden tightness in his chest. His transition from a laugh to a wince must have made Jungkook nervous because he stopped eating and those Bambi's eyes had concern in them.
'It's alright, Jungkook-ah!' he shook him by the shoulder to avoid those pitiful eyes 'his name is not a nuclear bomb!' a dark chuckle escaped his throat. Still not convinced, Jungkook's eyes punctured his facade, he dropped the grin to softly smile back at him, acknowledging his concern with a nod 'Do you miss him?'
It was Jungkook's turn to avoid his eyes, at least he accepted the fact 'I do, Hyung. Very much.' his voice disappeared, 'But it doesn't compare to what you must be going through.'
'It doesn't matter!' and the facade was back up, shrugging away from the statement.
'How does it not! you can't run away from it forever, Taehyung! the longer you keep the wound open, the deeper the damage will be.' his eyes flickered with moisture 'you will scar your entire life.' and they were back on his plate.
Taehyung couldn't help but smile fondly at the truth in his words 'Sometimes I forget how much of an old soul you are' patting his back, proud of his baby brother's advice 'I promise to work on it, yeah?' he assured the eyes threatening to spill 'now eat!' he barked. There was still something he wanted to know, but he paused to feed the innocent child.
Back at home, when Jungkook fiddled through his fridge, hungry again for the second time in one night, Taehyung found Ramen in one of the cupboards, the housekeeper must have gone grocery shopping.
'How are your parents, Kook-ah?' he asked filling the pot with water as per his instructions, the meticulous cooking skills he had learnt from Jin could be annoying sometimes and ye tasty food would be dished out.
'They are alright, I guess.' he bit into the sachets.
'Aunty sent some radish kimchi? can I come over and steal some?' Taehyung punched the strong back, always amazed by Jungkook's cooking.
'It's long gone! I haven't been home in AGES!' he shrugged dissolving the spices in the water, unaware of Taehyung's hand that froze, so my guess was right.
'I thought you went home last weekend-' his eyes popped out with realisation, the back of his neck flushed red as he flustered 'I-I did, didn't I, last weekend, how did i-i fo-forget..' chopsticks he was stirring with slipped out of his hands. Taehyung stopped them from plunging in the boiling water, leaning forward to be in line with the gaze he was avoiding.
'Jungkook-ah, you visited Jin, didn't you?' his voice sharper than he intended to, fear was evident in those flinting eyes 'No no Hyung.. why-
'Don't lie, Jungkook-ah! You can't lie, not to me' his grip on the shoulder tightened.
'Sorry, Hyung...but I missed him so much.' his voice trembled, and moisture gathered in the corner of those innocent eyes, Taehyung immediately felt guilty for being so harsh.
'Kook-ah...' he let go of the stress he had been holding, just realising, however, mature he gets, Jungkook would always be a baby to be protected, even from himself 'Of course you missed him, he practically raised you' he nodded softly, lowering his head as tears spilt from his eyes 'you can visit him, talk to him, talk about him, but you don't lie to me about him, how will things get normal otherwise, right?' still not raising his head.
'Hyung, when you two...' Taehyung continued patting his back, assuring him to continue with a hum 'They said I have to choose...' those painful red eyes finally met his 'between you two...' and another set of tears spilt from them, had they been telling him this? 'Please.. please don't make me choose, I can't..' his shoulders trembled with a sob. He felt sorry for the boy, Jin would have known exactly how to handle this, and he would probably have listed everyone that hurt his baby Kook and scolded them individually, I miss him so much, but isn't that the irony? never in hindsight had he imagined a situation where Jungkook would be hurt because of them, he was practically the most welcome third wheel in their relationship. He cupped those wet cheeks to hold his gaze 'Kook-ah don't listen to them, it would be so unfair to you, right? we are both your brothers, right?' he nodded vigorously, wiping the tears with the back of his hand 'Sorry Jungkook-ah, for turning a blind eye to you. I didn't know.'
'It's not your fault, Hyung. You are healing too' Taehyung smiled softly 'Jin Hyung asked me to ignore them as well.'
'He did?' Jungkook went back to his ramen, sniffling away the last bits of his emotions. 'How is he? Is he doing well? why didn't he return with Namjoon Hyung?' his lips bit in a thin line, pausing to answer.
'He is well.' and then his jaw locked, gulping down hard. The same defensiveness returned in his eyes 'Hyung...' he paused, increasing Taehyung's curiosity 'he doesn't want you to meet you.' he didn't know what hurt more, the way it was framed or the information in it. It haunted him for the rest of the night, you have no relation with Jin anymore, he doesn't even want your concern for him.
Days passed and he felt the rest of the members getting comfortable talking about Jin and calling him around his presence, but it never got easy, he flinched every time that voice fell on his ears, let alone with a cheerful tone. Jungkook's words had made such a deep impact, that he vowed to not be concerned about anyone anymore, nobody deserves his kindness if not Jin. Work never got easy without one member, long shoots and rehearsals were extra tiring with the feigning motivation he could muster up. It took him months to realise, but he developed a method to overwork himself to sleep, finally finding the courage to lie down on his bed without the heart-clenching aching for Jin.
'Taehyung-ah! Open the bloody door!' the loud yelling and door banging would have security complaining, irritated at them, and the sleep that broke at midnight, he stumbled through the dimly lit corridor.
'Happy Birthday Taehyung-ah! Congratulations on being born!' The three had rushed into the apartment as soon as the door opened, with the party poppers. He was hauled with feet and shoulders to the closet, confused about whether this was kidnapping or extortion.
'Party time!' Woo Shik shut down his attempts to protest, throwing a leather jacket and jeans in his face. 'WE HAVE TO PARTYYYYY!' he screamed, and Taehyung decided to give up before they turn on the music and partied in his apartment.
Seo Joon Hyung's attempt to drive them failed with his bodyguard snatching the keys from his hands. Once in Itaewon, they scouted for the liveliest place and he was pushed onto a barstool with Woo Shik Hyung hyping the fact that the night can as wild as he wants and in the next moment Hyung-shik stood up on the bar to announce that the drinks were on him and to wish Taehyung; the whole club erupted to cheer for him. He couldn't help but laugh at their efforts, also because he had downed a few shots and his sane mind was already fuzzing with the alcohol and music. He remembered the bright lights on the darkest dance floor, limbs rubbing against his body while he decided to let go, of all the guilt, pain and hurt, screaming with the crowd and jumping to the beats. Just when he had looped his hand around Woo-shik's guiding back to the seating for another round of shots, loved the way alcohol was numbing his senses to think about Jin, oh god I miss him so much, I would have made out with him right here and now, he used to love clubs and dance floors, going wild in my arms...
'You are very handsome, would you like to dance with me?' a hand was extended towards him just when he sat down, even in this state he knew what the invitation meant in this side of the town, so he kept staring at the palm. His brain racking for an excuse to stop staring at it, Nobody is allowed to touch me, but Jin. He would break your stupid hand right here if he saw us. But then again, Jin is not here.
'Yes yes, he would love to!' Woo Shik hauled him out of the stool, his own vision blurring, he stumbled on the chair and a set of unknown arms wound around his waist.
'What are you doing? I don't want to!' he yelled in Woo Shik's face, still attempting to unhand himself, but they coiled tighter. Taehyung could barely focus.
'Why not? He is handsome! and he is attracted to you!' Hyun-Shik swayed, patting the man whose hands were now exploring Taehyung's torso.
'I am not ready, Hyung!' he begged, squirming against the hold. Was he not trying hard enough? Or was he giving in? The thought of moving on from Jin, forgetting him hurt his heart.
'Taehyung-ah! Jin cheated on you, with a friend!' Woo-Shik made sure his eyes focused on every word he said. 'Do you still want to love him? Still, wait for him? Because he didn't. He fucked another man in your bed!' Noo. what are they saying? Jin! why did you do this to me? Aahhh! It hurts! A set of lips were grazing against his neck. It feels good, but it's not my Jin.
'Taehyung-ah! Jin is with Namjoon now! He betrayed you!' Woo-Shik screamed in his face, equally drunk until Seojoong pulled him away. He stared at the dancing lights in an absolute blur while the lips travelled to his ear. They are right, you betrayed me Jin-ah. Why did you do it? I loved you with all I had, I gave you all that I had. I will never forgive you! I will be happier than you are Jin! I will prove to you that you didn't cripple me! No! He latched on to the man till they were suffocating. I will show you that I don't need you Jin. You betrayed me first! You killed our love, you killed my spirits. I don't need you anymore. He only saw the red in his pure untethered rage. 'Ah, it hurts! Slow down, please! please!' the man begged, but he didn't. No! Now it hurts you, Jin? You should know to whom you belong. I will make sure you know. The man screamed when Taehyung bit harshly into his skin and fucked him into unconscious exhaustion. Taehyung continued to pound into him, clawing and marking his skin forcefully till his mind blurred into an intoxicated release 'Ahh, Jin...' he gasped spent.
He woke up with a splitting headache. The sight of a man stark naked beside him, an unknown room and the drying white liquid on his body stopped his heart momentarily. His hands trembled getting dressed and rushed out of the room only to find his guard outside. He was embarrassed to meet his eyes but grateful that at least his car was here. It was too much to think of, but then his phone pinged the moment they hit the road. 'Did you have fun?' Woo-Shik's text brought back the night in a very detailed breakdown of events and he felt nauseous. His hands were still trembling and his mind reeled in regret when they arrived at his apartment. He felt dirty and wanted to scrub off the man from his skin and mind. But his manager pointed to the box in his living room just as he was rushing into the washroom. The address was strange and made him curious. They left for him to get dressed. But he stabbed the box open. And fell to the floor, sobbing. What have I done? I am so sorry, I am sorry. He whimpered against the wardrobe wall, digging his head into his knees. The handmade patchwork quilt of his favourite paintings sparked a rush of guilt in every cell of his body. But the words on the piece of paper broke him down.
Happy Birthday, Taehyung-ah! Thank you for being born and coming into my life. Always smile, stay healthy and blessed, dear Voo!
Sincerely
Kim Seokjin