*Inspired by Chicago PD S5 Ep 10 Rabbit Hole
I was called into work early, Kelly had stayed over at my place this time and it had actually helped me not to hate the ambiance in there any longer.
I walked into work and started making some calls regarding what happened this morning with the shooting Jay had been present at.
"Alright, we'll get on it Sarge." Adam hung up.
"What do we know?" I asked him.
"Victim was an undercover cop, Jay's been drinking so Voight told him to come back here, should be arriving soon." Adam told me.
"Okay." I nodded rolling my eyes to myself at Jay's behavior.
I was making a call to the coroner's office when Jay walked in. "Let me call you back." I hung up.
"Hey man." Adam greeted him handing him a cup of coffee.
"You alright?" I asked from my desk.
Jay simply scoffed shaking his head at me before walking to the lockers. Adam gave me an apologetic look. It sucked having Jay treat me like this, someone who swore to love me forever not long ago. But I also knew Jay wasn't like this and I was worried.
I thought about it for a minute but ultimately decided to head to the locker room to check on Jay. He was washing his face.
I slowly approached him, leaning on the sink next to him. "Jay, what's going on?" I asked.
"Nothing I'm fine." He grabbed a towel to dry his face.
"Jay I'm worried-" I started.
"Don't we're not together anymore!" He was harsh.
"Trust me Jay that's crystal clear but that doesn't change the fact that I still care about you." I talked back to him.
He took a deep breath before turning to face me. "What do you want from me?" He asked frustrated.
"I want to know that you're okay," I answered frustrated too.
"I told you, I'm okay." He began walking off.
"Why are you being like this? What did I do to make you treat me like this? To hate me so much?" I started tearing up.
I saw his breath hitch before he turned back around. "Haven't you moved on yet?" He walked up to me.
"What?"
"Haven't you been sleeping with Kelly?" He asked.
I felt that tinge of guilt again but it was soon replaced with anger. "You're unbelievable." I scoffed.
"Right." He started getting agitated.
"Okay, you wanna know if I've been sleeping with Kelly?" I walked up to him this time. "It's the same answer to these questions Jay, Have you been sleeping with Camila Vega? And are you in a relationship with her?" I looked up at his eyes.
I could see he was surprised by my words, not knowing what to say. His jaw dropped ever so slightly. "I-" he stopped himself.
"YOU did this to us, not me." I shoved past him.
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It was hard working this case while trying to keep my emotions in check and trying to convince myself otherwise was completely useless. Jay was in deep with Camila and after we found out she was involved in something way bigger than was thought originally, things started going south with Jay.
I could tell Hank was really angry with Jay but stayed quiet until the whole thing was resolved. Hank forced Jay to wear a wire to meet up with her and get her to talk.
I stayed in a van with the team listening in to Jay's conversation with Camila.
"Run away with me Ryan, I love you," Camila asked Jay.
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat but took a deep breath trying to focus on the case. "I will, I promise you just have to give me a name," Jay told her. I noticed Adam looking at me out of the corner of his eye, concern in his face.
"Wallace Blake." She finally said. We all took note of this, I was distracted typing the name into the computer in front of me.
"I love you." I heard Jay's voice, saying it to Camila. It felt like a sharp blow to my chest which literally made it harder to breathe. My breath hitched and Adam and Kev turned to look at me giving me a pitiful look.
"Give me." Adam reached for the computer.
"No I-" I protested but Adam grabbed my hand giving it a comforting squeeze.
"It's okay." He mouthed noticing tears welling up in my eyes. "Why don't you start driving us back." He said, and I knew he was giving me an opportunity to pull it together.
"Thank you." I mouthed to him heading to the steering wheel. During the drive back I wiped a few tears from my eyes really starting to question Jay's and mine's relationship and if it ever meant to him what it did to me.
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Jay was going in again trying to get Wallace Blake to talk, meeting in a bar with Camila. I headed into Mouse's old office for something when I saw Jay standing behind one of the shelves, his head in his hands.
"We're heading out." I let him know.
He lifted his head up acknowledging me. "Can we talk?" He asked me, I could detect regret in his eyes.
"No, we're heading out," I repeated before walking back out with the rest of the team.
At the bar Jay met with Camila, sitting down with her as they waited for Blake to get there. "So after this, we leave, we take the bus and never look back," Camila whispered to Jay but little did she know the whole team could hear her.
"Camila I can't..." Jay started "I can't leave."
There was silence for a couple of seconds. "You promised me, you said you loved me." I couldn't help but feel sorry for Camila.
"I know I just- I can't...I'm sorry." I could tell Jay had more on his mind.
"There's someone else isn't there?" Camila asked him which also made me curious for the answer.
But before Jay could say anything more Wallace Blake had arrived. Jay was pushing really hard for him to talk which ticked Blake off causing him to pull out a gun. The team was forced to swarm in arresting both Camila and Blake.
I watched as Camila was hit with the harsh realization that Ryan, was in fact Jay Halstead, a detective working for the Chicago Police department, and that whatever they may have had was part of a detailed plan to make some arrests.
I had made Blake's arrest and after I handed him off to Kev and Adam I watched as Camila poured her anger out on Jay, his face full of guilt and pain. I decided it best if I gave him space so I walked out after the officer's who were escortin Camila out.
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Back at the precinct, Camila was locked in the downstairs cells while Blake was being interrogated. Jay was in the coffee room, alone, Hank wouldn't let him get involved anymore. I could tell he was wallowing in his own thoughts.
I couldn't get Camila off my mind, feeling bad for her and what she'd been through with Jay. It wasn't her fault and to her their relationship, that love had been real, only for it to all come crumbling down in a second. I had felt the same way. But I also knew that if the details of this case got out to the public, Jay would lose his job.
I decided to head down to the vending machines and get her a bag of crisps along with a juice box. I headed to her cell.
"Hey, in case you're hungry." I passed my hands through the bars.
She got up and walked over, taking the items from my hands. "Thanks." She sat back down. "What's his real name?" She asked me.
"Jay." I thought about not telling her for a second. She scoffed. "Listen Blake confessed to the murder, so you're being charged with felony drug distribution and accessory to murder."
"Hmm lucky me." She joked.
"I can get them to drop the accessory to murder charge if you do one thing for me." I lowered my voice.
"Yeah, and what's that?" She wore a sarcastic smile.
"Don't say a word about your relationship with Jay, nothing. To you, he's nothing but a stranger." I told her. "If you say anything, I'll make sure you never get out." I threatened.
She laughed. "You're the other girl huh...you don't even know the real him." she walked up to the bars speaking right at my face.
I stayed quiet. "No Camila you're the other girl." I heard a voice behind me which made me jump. "And she's the probably the only person in this world who knows me better than I know myself." I looked into his eyes as he said this.
Jay had appeared and was next to me. I saw both anger and sadness when she saw him. "What we have is real," Camila whispered to him.
"It isn't and it never was." I kept looking down at my feet but could feel Jay's gaze on me as he talked.
Camila smacked her hands on the bars making my head shoot up. "Fine, I won't say anything but only because I want to get out of prison one day." She spoke to me.
I nodded. "I'll make sure the accessory to murder charge gets dropped," I reassured her before walking off. I heard Jay walking behind me.
I went upstairs and was about to sit at my desk when Jay grabbed my arm taking me to the coffee room and shutting the door behind him. "Why the hell did you do that?" He asked me.
"A simple thank you will do." I tried to walk past him.
"I've been an ass to you, a complete jerk but you still keep worrying for me." He spoke more to himself.
I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. "Jay I told you, just because you hate me doesn't mean I..."
"I don't hate you...I could never hate you, not even if I tried." Jay interrupted me walking closer to me.
I wasn't sure what to say. "I did it because...I know you Jay, and this isn't you. You're a good cop a good person who's going through something but this city is better off with you protecting it." I looked up at him.
He contemplated my words for a minute. "Can we please talk after work? At the coffee shop by your place?" He asked me.
I wasn't too keen on the idea but deep down I was also worried about what Jay would do if he was alone after a day like this. "Fine." I agreed this time walking past him and heading back to my desk.
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I had driven Jay and me to the coffee shop. We walked in and took a seat where we usually sat before. We ordered something and then there was silence for a couple of seconds.
"So what did you want to talk about?" I initiated the conversation.
He took a deep breath before starting. "Look, nothing justifies the way I treated you but I want to explain to you where it all started."
"Okay." I wasn't sure what to expect.
"The night you told me we needed a break I went to sleep at Will's because I couldn't bear being in a place surrounded by pieces of you. I felt so helpless and frustrated, angry for lying to you." I could see he was struggling to say the next part. "I fell asleep on Will's spare bedroom and he woke up after hearing noises to find me holding the pillow beside me in a chokehold." He confessed.
I gasped silently. "Jay why didn't you talk to me." I felt bad for not being there for him.
"I couldn't. I knew I was having my PTSD nightmares again and I couldn't risk hurting you. The only thing on my mind was the thought that that pillow could have been you." He started tearing up. "I didn't know what to do, and I made Will promise me not to tell you anything. I just knew I had to get you away from me before I did something terrible." He told me.
I shook my head upset by what I was hearing. "That's why you kept pushing me away."
"y/n I never stopped loving you but I knew exactly what I needed to say for you to want to stay away from me." Jay admitted. "After we broke up It was taking every bit of me not to run back to you but my PTSD kept getting worse so when I went undercover and I met Camila, I tried to use her as a distraction to keep me from going back to you but I haven't slept in days and I can't do this alone anymore" He broke down.
I got up from my side of the booth to sit next to him, I pulled him into my arms and just held him as he let it all out. "You're not alone Jay." I burried my head into the nook of his neck and I felt him relax under my touch.
"I'm sorry." Jay looked up at me.
I cupped his cheeks taking in his defeated expression. "I'm sorry too." And I did feel sorry for not realizing he needed help for not stepping up sooner. "We'll get you help Jay, and you'll get through this and I'll be right there with you." I hugged him again.
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I paid the bill and wrapped my arms around Jay's as we headed to my place, I unlocked the door and we sat at the couch. Jay had calmed down a bit but I could tell he was now feeling vulnerable.
"You know the only reason I slept with Kelly was because I couldn't stop thinking about you either and I couldn't be in here without thinking about you." I told him. "But both Kelly and I agreed that it was purely physical, it didn't mean anything else."
I could tell Jay got slightly uncomfortable. "I was actually relieved when I saw you and Kelly together that day behind the office." I looked at him confused. "I knew I had hurt you but I knew that if anyone was going to treat you right and protect you it was him."
I thought about it for a second. "I wish you would've just talked to me."
"Yeah me too." He gave me a faint smile.
We kept staring at each other, in silence and before I knew it Jay's hand had swooped behind my neck gently pulling me towards his lips. We started making out and after only a few minutes Jay's lips were already roaming the rest of my body.
"Jay we probably shouldn't" I breathed.
"I know but I've been waiting for too long-" He continued.
"Yeah me too." I confessed as Jay started lifting me up and taking me to the bed.
"I love you." Jay whispered appearing from under the sheets and taking a second to nervously wait for a reply.
It took me a second but I knew the truth. "I love you too." I replied and Jay's lips came crashing down on mine once again.
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A/N: If I get 10 votes and 20 comments on this part...I'll upload 2 parts on Friday ;)
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-A.M