hi:) enjoy x leave comments and shit lol
47
As soon as Scarlett gets in the car, Rowan quietens.
His demeanour changes immediately. His hand pulling away from me, we had just been talking, chatting as we waited for her to come out.
Roe starts the car and I turn back to see her. "Hey."
"Hi." Scarlett says quietly, her eyes on the back of Rowan's head for a second, then back to me. Roe pulls away from my house and I take in the state of her.
She had old makeup on, tears stained in black down her face still, just by her chin mostly, as if she had washed her face but not properly.
Scar was in my clothes and her hair, still curled from yesterday, pulled into a pony tail at the back of her head.
"Are you ok?" I ask.
She nods. Only a little. "He replied, saying he's not been discharged yet."
"What happened Scar?"
She rubs her face, stressing. She shrugs, as if she herself was a little unsure. "When you left, er, Blaise and I continued to row and like I went off with others and he stayed at mine but he was with Daniel and that all night."
I nodded, resting my head on the seat as I listened.
"Then it was late late, a little past three I think. And everyone had basically gone, it was just Blaise, Dan and just a few randoms left, we were all sat round, um I was just smoking. But they were definitely doing other shit."
"What were they doing?"
She shrugs. "Taking some sort of pills, I guess. I wasn't really paying attention until Blaise started scratching at his skin."
"What?"
Scarlett nods. "Er yeah, he just started to lose it. We hadn't talked all night really. No one was talking to him, we were all just sat around, talking crap and enjoying the high."
"You think he took too much?" I ask quietly.
She shakes her head. "I did, but er... so Blaise started panicking, like full blown loosing it. I was trying to calm him down, but Dan and that were trying to pull me away, like they were trying to figure out what was going on."
I close my eyes.
Because fucking hell Blaise, he's so not ok right now.
Obviously.
I open them and look at her, she was just staring at me. Watching my reaction.
"They pinned him, like to the wall, because he was out of control and he just, just started saying he was going to be sick and we thought it was just him trying to get away but like then he got really ill, I don't even know, it was awful."
"God..." I whisper.
"And then he collapsed, like he wasn't asleep or passed out, he just er, froze."
"Scarlett..."
"I called mum, like Dan and that just left, they just like freaked then, left me with him."
"What the fuck?"
She shakes her head in disbelief too.
"And mum told me to call an ambulance. Like because I thought he was overdosing or something. I don't know."
I nod.
"But when they came, the paramedics said that his vitals seemed ok, that he might just be having a bad high, that he had a panic attack. But they took him anyway, because he was practically unresponsive. They were going to sober him up."
I nodded.
"And so I called you and you didn't reply, so I walked to yours and I must have just passed out in your bed."
"I am sorry, I would have been asleep by then."
"I know." She says quietly. "Just- I know we fought Lottie, I know we are in a fight right now." She says referring to us. "But this is- this- what's wrong with him?"
I swallow. "Scarlett, you heard the paramedics, they said it was a bad high."
"No, earlier in the evening. You asked me if he was ok, I said yeah, but like obviously he wasn't, isn't, how did you know?"
I shake my head. "I didn't know that was going to happen."
"But you knew he wasn't ok?"
I stare at her. Unsure how to respond.
"Lottie is talented at that. She picks up on how someone is feeling easily."
I look at Rowan, slightly surprised that he spoke.
"Did I ask you?" Scarlett snaps back and I look back at her shocked.
I shake my head at her. "Don't you dare be rude, he's helping us."
I extend my hand over to Rowan, just sort of touching his arm apologetically and he shrugs me off, changing gear as we pull out of town and onto the highway to the city.
Rowan looks at me. Reassuring me with one look that he wasn't offended. I look back at Scarlett again.
Scarlett shrugs my warning off. "I thought he was going to die Lottie, that's how bad it all seemed."
"He had a bad high." I say. "It happens."
"It doesn't happen to him. He knows his limits. He is always so in control when we drink, smoke, when he-"
"Has he been taking pills a lot?" I ask. "More than before?"
"Before what?"
I swallow. "Before when he would do it once in a blue moon with Nathan."
Scarlett nods. "It's everyday."
My eyes widen and I sit up a little. "Everyday?"
"Like literally all the time Lottie, I don't know what to do."
"Tell someone?" I say in disbelief. "Scarlett, he can't-" I pause. "He comes to school and stuff high?"
She nods. " And who am I supposed to tell? His mum? Her head is barely above water at the moment as it is, he'd hate me. His dad? I don't think he'd- he'd just throw him into rehab. He's not even eighteen yet, he can't have that on his record."
"Record? You don't get any type of record for going to rehab Scar." I look at Rowan. "Right?"
He glances at me. "Just medical."
I look at Scar.
She shrugs. "He was talking about the army the other month, military, he's smart, he's talking about medicine and then enrolling, I think. I don't fucking know. That might have changed, but if he goes to rehab, he might not pass the medical checks."
I shake my head. "I feel like they don't- ok honestly I don't know much about that anyway. He just needs help."
"I don't think, I don't think he's addicted. Like he doesn't- he doesn't seem to need them."
"But he does it everyday?"
"I know he's high everyday, popping something or another. Anything he can get from Daniel."
I shake my head. "Hell Blaise." I mutter to myself.
She looks down at her phone. "Oh god."
"What?"
Scar looks up at me. "Er um, ok so, when you didn't respond I text the only other person who I thought cares about me and Blaise enough to help me out."
She had text Nathan. The guilt in her tone already alludes to that.
"And he's going to meet us there?" I finish for her, connecting dots.
She nods.
"Okay." I say.
"Ok?"
I nod, it's not that I am going to kick off about him being around me right now am I?
Plus, I assume Rowan and I will stay in the car and Scar and now I guess Nathan will go in and find Blaise.
"So you didn't call his parents?" I ask.
She shakes her head. "I told them I didn't know who he was."
"What, why?"
"Mum told me to." She whispers.
"Where is your mum, dad?"
"Germany right now. Coming back tonight."
"Oh god." I say quietly.
"They're pissed. Fuck the house is such a state. It's disgusting."
"Just call a cleaner?" I ask.
She nods. "Yeah but I have no one to let them in. Usually, I just call and let them in, disappear and sleep off the rest of the hangover."
"Call Doug?" I say quietly. "Surely he'll come and help?"
"He'd be amused, wouldn't give a shit."
"What if I text him?" I ask. "He's more likely to do me a favour."
"Just because you almost got off with him a couple of months ago, doesn't mean he cares about you."
I tense, just because that's a slightly awkward thing to say Scar. I glance at Rowan, he doesn't look at me, just keeps driving.
I send Scarlett a glare.
She shrugs it off.
I am trying to be patient today. "I meant because Doug and I have always got on, been close for years, but whatever."
"He'll probably say no." She says.
I shrug. "Fine. I won't text him, it's not actually my problem. Was just trying to help you."
"Sorry." She mumbles and I shake my head at her, deciding not to text him.
She will just have to figure it out I guess.
"So where do Blaise's parents think he is?"
Scarlett shrugs. "I don't know, I have been declining their calls all morning."
So I guess that means they don't know where he is.
"Scarlett." I frown. "You can't –"
"What am I supposed to say?"
"Explain to them what happened."
"They'd never forgive me, he'd never forgive me."
"This might be a little bit bigger than your relationship with him."
She frowns at me, as if that was a horrible suggestion.
"If you don't want to call them, I can? But they should probably know..."
"Blaise text me, if he wanted them he would have contacted them." She says. "Let's let him decide that."
Am I being too much when I disagree? That obviously he wouldn't contact them. But maybe he should? Maybe someone should.
Me.
Because I know what they know too.
And I now know that the only way he's coping is with drugs.
Which is- well you know. Bad.
I don't say anything else, I just turn around and admittedly I text Douglas, Scarlett's brother, asking him to go to the house and to sort out the mess.
I told him Scar will fire him money.
He asked me to make sure she sends him twice as much.
I just show her the messages and she rolls her eyes, picking up her own phone to sort it all out.
I look at Rowan who is nervously drumming his fingers against the wheel. "You ok?" I ask quietly.
He glances at me, then back at the road. He nods.
So I don't press.
Scarlett and I talk a little, just about how her parents are going to react to all this.
They are not the most understanding. Especially her dad.
But they did like Blaise, so hopefully they're not too harsh on him I guess.
It wasn't too long before we were pulling into the parking lot at the hospital. Rowan gets out, to find a parking meter.
I will give him the money back, but I felt like he might not wanna fight about this right now. So I just let him go.
"So..." Scar says. "Rowan." She tests his name. "He's interesting."
"Scarlett." I say disapprovingly. "Please don't be-"
"Be what? I didn't say anything bad."
"I- he is special to me. So stop."
Her hands lift in surrender. "Special?"
I nod.
"Forgive me Lottie but for someone special, it doesn't seem like he really is into it."
I just stare back because she doesn't have a clue who he is or who we are to each other.
"And." She whispers, leaning close. "He's unstable, isn't he? Like we found him on those tracks, what if he, well you know-"
I physically cringe, leaning back and staring at her shocked. "How can you be so blunt?"
She frowns. "It's us, we are blunt. I am just worried you'll get hurt-"
I laugh a little. "Rowan isn't going to hurt me."
"Is that why you're going after him then? Like because he's safe."
"Scar-"
"I just mean, it's interesting. Going for someone who is the total opposite to Nathan-"
"Stop."
"I just mean, someone tall and lanky, blonde, quiet, bookish,-"
"Scarlett, we are not friends right now." I blurt.
She pauses, her lips parted.
I laugh a little uncomfortably. "You think because I am helping you that we are ok? I am helping you because we've been friends for years and because I care about Blaise."
"You care-" She starts, her defences slamming up and I am sure she is about to say something nasty.
"I do care. Don't you dare turn it into something-." I take a breath. "What I was saying is that you were disrespectful as shit last night, you genuinely tried to hurt me, and therefore you have zero right to question anything to do with Rowan."
Rowan opens the door unexpectedly and we both sort of startle, looking at him.
I look back at a now quiet Scarlett. "You go in and find him Scarlett, Rowan and I will wait out here."
"Don't you want to come?"
"No. You can go in with Nath."
"Go if you want to." Rowan says, getting back in the car.
I shake my head at him.
So he doesn't question it, just looks down at his phone. Scarlett starts to get out the car, not really saying anything else.
I look at him.
Exhausted.
She exhausts me.
"Hi." I mumble quietly.
He looks at me, raises an eyebrow and my lips tug up a little.
"I am sorry..." I say, regarding just- Scarlett.
He rolls his eyes.
I smile a little more, lifting my hand to touch his face but before I touch him, I pause, sort of asking for permission.
He shakes his head, to which I deflate, just a little, my hand dropping.
"I forget that just because you're not as obnoxious as I thought, that that doesn't equate to your friends as well."
Oh.
I press my lips together, looking at him. My shoulders backing away a little from him.
He watches my body language. Then he winces a little, apologetic, I think. But he says. "You were so hurt last night. She talks to you like crap."
I start to shake my head.
Rowan frowns. "She talks to everyone like crap Lottie, I just don't understand-" He pauses
"What don't you understand Rowan?"
"Why you're friends I guess. You shouldn't-"
"Can we just- not- " I shake my head, interrupting. "This isn't any of your business. Honestly." My tone keeps light, trying to be gentle with this.
He flicks his eyes between mine. Holding my gaze easily.
Rowan lifts his hand to me and he moves a single strand of my hair, just to the side a little, just so my face is utterly clear. He rests his hand on my seat, turning his body more to talk.
"It's not my business. You're right. But normally, usually, I would be trying" He pauses. "- I want your friends to like me Lots. I want them to think whatever this is, is good for you."
"It is good." I say quietly.
I lift my hand, his still on my chair and I brush the back of my hand against his, just feeling, looking at our skin instead of him because he's intense right now.
I don't know.
He seems- I don't know. Older than me. Like he thinks he's telling me something I do not already know.
"I am not going to bother with Scarlett. I am sorry. I know I should. I know I should get your friends to be on board with this. But I don't- I don't want anything to do with them. The attention they draw, the way they'll look at me knowing how we are- I don't want that. They hurt you. It feels- like- " He pauses, thinking.
"Do you really dislike them this much? Like it's not just Scarlett. My other friends before, Blaise, even Nathan, like- did you really hate us all?"
"I didn't hate you all." He says, almost seeming amused. "But I didn't like you, your whole group are loud and obnoxious, cocky, that's not- it's childish, exhausting."
I drop my hand. I look up.
"You still think that?"
"Not about you." He says quickly. "But-"
"You know I was like that right? That yeah I can be loud, I can be obnoxious, attention seeking, hell Rowan I- I don't know who you think you know but I am not far of like you described-"
"I don't see you like that."
I frown. "You ever think that maybe you're a little judgemental?"
He coughs a laugh, trying to hide it. But I glare slightly. He nods. "I-"
"No." I cross my arms over myself. "You made those judgements about me before you knew me, how can you not be smart enough to understand that everyone has different sides-"
"I understand that." He says carefully.
He's talking so carefully, reasonably. It's frustrating to watch. Because as he seems steady, I think my feelings are getting hurt, or well, my heart is thudding.
At the thought that he genuinely might not really like me.
I don't know.
It's just I really like him for him. Everything about him.
Rowan continues. "I can see how people are different. But Lottie, you don't even like your own friends."
I sit back at that.
I feel like this is something he has no right to say.
"This isn't- I know we're seeing each other or whatever, but no."
"Lottie-"
"No Rowan. You don't have any right to-"
"Okay." He says. "But listen for two seconds."
I start to shake my head.
He continues anyway. "I am just purely trying to explain to you that I am not going to be sitting with you at school, I am not going to try and get to know your mates, I am not going to come to dances with you, parties, that's not me."
"I haven't asked you-" I grit.
"Scarlett hurts you, you look exhausted, and you've only been around her half an hour. She hurts you and hurts you and you just accept it, I don't get it. Blaise, you hated him a few months ago, he threated you, with me and Sutton, and God Lots, that's ex-boyfriend of yours- I saw you after that night. I-"
"What are you even trying to say?" I interrupt.
"Just that I am not coming into that world. It hurts me, seeing you around them when I feel like you don't- don't deserve those type of people being your people."
"Rowan. I am not being a bitch but I haven't ever tried to get you and my other friends together. I know that that's not a thing that will happen. I don't want you around them."
He smiles a little. "Are you saying that I am jumping the gun?"
"I am saying, remember when I overstepped, months ago, in Sunny's car. Well this feels similar."
He nods. "You think I am overstepping."
"Yes. I do not need help with this. I am not being manipulated. I can see everything you can see; I am not stupid or ignorant."
"I didn't call you stupid-"
"No but I want to remind you, just because I ask you to help me with schoolwork, just because I ask you to teach me things, I haven't asked for your opinions on my friends."
"But why bother? Why care still- why drive her all this way when you know yourself, she wouldn't do the same."
"She would."
"And if it was me in that hospital bed right now, would she care for you?"
My words are harsh. I don't mean them. Not really anyway.
"Blaise and Scarlett have been together for years, my friendship with Scarlett and Blaise goes back further than any association I have with you. Rowan last year I didn't even know you existed."
He sits back at that.
"Scarlett may not help me, but that says more about her character that it says about the fact I will help her anyway. Hell, we're not good right now. But I will help her. I don't like Blaise, but I am helping him. And hell, if Nathan really needed help. I would help."
"Why?"
"The 'why' is none of your business." I snap.
He presses his lips together.
"I am not a vulnerable girl seeking assistance from you Rowan. Your wisdom of people and friendship is not superior to mine. I do not abandon my friends; I am sorry if that is inconvenient to you."
He sighs.
I laugh a little. "Is that it? Is it genuinely just because you don't want to be here right now?"
"I want to be here."
"I feel like you've just tried to convince me that I shouldn't be here."
He sighs again and honestly; it's getting on my nerves.
"You have-"
"Okay." He says quickly. "This isn't what I wanted. Don't get mad at me."
"Well I don't fucking understand what you wanted from this conversation."
Rowan runs his hand through his hair, he looks me in the eye. "I am sorry."
"No, don't just blanket an apology over this thinking it will end it. I wanna understand-"
"I just care about you a lot and don't want you to get hurt, that's all my head was saying. That they hurt you, they quieten you. I hate that."
"But, stop it. Please? Because it feels like you're talking down to me right now and there's nothing more that I hate than that."
"Lottie, that's not what I am trying to do."
"That's how I feel."
"Then I am sorry. Genuinely. I just care."
"Can you just care without questioning things about my life that are nothing to do with you?"
He nods a little. "I can."
"Rowan you're not wrong, about that shit, but it's- boundaries you know? I have respected your boundaries, respect mine."
"Yours are regarding Scarlett and that..?"
I pull a face. Shrug.
We're quiet. It's a loud silence.
His eyes are on me and I openly stare back at him.
I think we both stare to crack under the loudness of the silence. His lips tug up a little as mine do.
I smile. "Like fuck me if you wanna, but don't tell me who my friends are, I am not blind."
He cringes at my bluntness, shaking his head at me. I smile a little, cocking my head and watching as he lips tug up a little more.
"Rowan you're confusing."
He rubs his forehead. "Me? I literally just felt like I was defusing a bomb."
I sit back, offended. "You-"
He lifts his hand up in surrender. "I am joking! Please, stop glaring at me. Christ."
I relax slightly. "Er, um, so also..."
He raises an eyebrow.
"So you hate my obnoxious friends who are loud and bitchy and attention seeking, yes?"
He rubs his head, pained. "I- didn't mean-"
"And so you don't like those qualities in people. And when I pointed out, that you described me, you said you didn't mean me, and then you just said that you didn't like how they quiet me, how they make me tired, so that's confusing, do you like who I am or do you hate it because-"
"Stop." He groans. "I didn't mean it so negatively. I like how you are-"
"How I am." I repeat, crossing my arms over my chest.
Rowan reaches out and in a slightly amusing turn of events I bat his hand away from me, shaking my head.
"They are like a foghorn. People, especially extroverts are like a loud horn, constantly making noise, constantly adding to the already overstimulating environment. For me. Like for me, things are a lot."
I nod a little.
"You used to be a lot for me too, like you just did, but then your brightness, it wasn't blinding, it stopped hurting my eyes and it was warmth instead, ok?"
I just shrug.
"You are bright and colourful and good. You are good. I am sorry but I don't think that about your friends. I see them as stress, and I don't want to be around stress or attention or anything like that."
"Okay." I whisper, looking at my lap.
He reaches out again and I let him gently lift my chin up so I meet his eyes.
I whisper. "Any opinions you have regarding my friends are yours and yours only, I don't care if you don't like them, I am not trying to make you like them."
He nods.
"The same way their opinion on you is worthless to me. I don't care. I value my own opinions and choices enough."
He nods.
"So be nice Rowan-"
He smiles slightly. "I am always nice."
"Mm, there's a bitchy side to you. I can feel it."
He laughs. "Bitchy?"
"Mhm." I narrow my eyes. "Who else do you have opinions on?"
He leans back and laughs again, shaking his head.
"Poppy?" I ask. My eyebrows raised.
She's loud and bubbly at school too, I love her, but I assume she is also one of the highly intolerable people
"Lottie." Rowan says.
"Rowan." I reply in the same tone.
He doesn't say anything, just slowly rolls his eyes, turning to look at the hospital.
I do the same, crossing my arms to hold the same attitude.
Even though the eye roll was hot.
Annoying.
I am still unsure how to take that whole conversation.
Like am I being dumb?
Was he just trying to protect me? Because in some way that is sweet.
But I don't need protecting.
"You still mad?" Rowan asks, sounding very hesitant.
I start to smile, not looking at him still.
I feel his gaze on the side of my head.
"No..."
He clears his throat, trying to get my attention.
So I flick my eyes to him. Straight faced.
He smiles. "You want an apology card? I'll draw a picture and everything."
I start to smile again.
"Let me preface, I can only draw like biology shit, I can draw you your plant."
I gasp. Thinking about the plant. "I haven't watered him in days!"
He blinks at me. "You're supposed to water him like once a week at most anyway. Please don't tell me you've been drowning him."
I look at him wide-eyed.
I just water him when I remember. It's been part of my little routine.
I blink.
Then huff. "He's fine, he's thriving actually."
"Oh sure. Thriving-" Rowan starts and he pauses, looking past me.
He then nods behind me. So I turn to look out the window, watching as Nathan and Scarlett walk up to the car.
I look at Rowan, then pointedly to the window, asking him to do the window as they walk up to it. The car was off so he had to turn it back on for the windows to roll down.
He rolls down my window for me and Scarlett walks up to my window. Her eyes hard on mine and I just stare back at her, unsure.
Nathan walks beside her.
I don't look at him.
She doesn't say anything for a second, just looks at me.
Then.
"Promise me you and Blaise have never done anything."
My face falls.
This again?
"What the fuck." I say quietly. "Are you serious?"
"Please." She breathes. "Just, promise me. That he's never cheated."
I- I frown. Why? Why does she-
I glance at Nathan, confused. He's looking at Scarlett, slightly confused too, I think.
"Look at me, not him. He doesn't care." She says. "Promise me."
"Scarlett I shouldn't have to promise you anything. But yes, I promise. I have never."
"He wants you." Scarlett says. "He doesn't want to talk to me, or Nath, or his parents. He wants to speak to you. Once he knew you were here, he wanted me to get you. Just you."
I glance at Rowan.
He was looking down at his lap, but he startles slightly as I turn my attention to him. He looks up at me. Slightly confused.
I look back at Nath and Scar.
"I'll go see him then."
Scarlett just shakes her head a little.
She's hurt.
I get it. I would probably be hurt too.
"Do you want to show me where-" I ask her, grabbing my phone and reaching for the door handle.
"No. Nathan's taking me home." She says tensely.
"Scarlett." I frown.
I know Blaise is probably just asking for me because I know so much more.
Because we talk.
Because things went very wrong last night and he probably just wants to know what the whole situation is.
"I will show you." Nathan says quietly. "If that's ok?"
I just turn to Rowan. "Can you wait?" I ask.
He nods.
I lean a little closer. He has therapy. I don't think it's yet. But I don't know how long I'll be.
"If I am too long and you need to get back, just text me and I'll get Rayne to pick me up."
Rowan nods. His eyes on mine and then he flicks them to the people behind me. He looks back at me, he seems concerned, I think.
I don't know.
But he doesn't say anything, and I am not really expecting him to.
I just push the car door open, and Nathan and Scarlett make room for me to get up.
I am still mainly in Rowan's clothes.
I have my own leggings on, but his top and sweatshirt are keeping me warm. I must look a mess. We were just chilling you know?
It doesn't matter, but it just shows how comfortable I am with Roe. It tells Scarlett and now Nathan how close we actually are.
It's fine.
I watch Nathan hand over his keys to Scar. "Just wait in the car?" He offers.
She grabs them out of his hand and she walks away.
And I listen slightly surprised as Rowan turns the car on and he starts backing out the space.
Ok then.
I mean I did say leave, I just didn't think he would leave right this second.
I look at Nathan.
He looks at me.
It is fucking awkward.
And I don't know why it's slightly funny. Like the last time I saw him, no the last time I interacted with him, was when he was stood staring angrily at me in Tea, telling me he was going to the same college as me now seeing as he lost his other scholarship.
He was so angry then.
Not this Nathan who just looks fucking sheepish.
"She doesn't believe you." He says as soon as I nod towards the doors and we start to walk between the cars to get to the hospital.
"I can't believe she'd think..."
"I think she's just-"
I look at him, a quick glare and Nathan shuts up.
He knows, you know. What certain looks mean. What rules there are.
Ha.
I quicken my pace and he follows me. "So... Rowan? Carter right. We have classes together."
I don't reply as we walk to the doors, Nathan opens it before I can and I sigh as he holds it open, letting me go in first.
"He's smart." Nathan says. "Nice."
I rub my face in tiredness. My things are in Rowan's car. Like my overnight bag.
"Quiet, I don't think I have ever heard him speak."
I pause then. I just stand there, in the middle of the busy hospital reception room and Nathan turns around to look at me.
I shake my head. "Stop talking."
He sighs. "I was trying to fill the awkward silence."
"The silence is awkward for a reason, stop trying."
He turns around and walks up to the reception. Talking to the lady behind it and she nods and buzzes us through a door that says stairs.
I just follow Nathan as he takes us through.
"I wasn't saying anything bad-" He starts and I snap.
"Stop. Stop it."
He looks at me surprised.
I just look back at him.
"It doesn't have to be so- bad between us. We can be civil?"
I laugh at that.
He sighs. "I know I've done some fucked up shit, but it's behind us-"
"Stop trying. I don't want to talk to you."
"But-"
I heave a sound of annoyance.
"Lottie-" Nathan says and I whip back round.
"You tried it on with Scar."
His eyes widen.
"So stop this act. I know you Nath. Stop this."
He furrows his eyebrows.
I laugh a little bit and I walk up the stairs, hearing him follow.
"What?"
"You heard me. Nathan stop talking to me. Just show me where he is."
"I have never tried it on with Scarlett, Lottie."
I stay quiet, my eyebrows furrowing.
I suppose he also said he didn't do the other shit at first.
Nathan reaches for my elbow, making me physically stop walking and I pull my arm harshly out of his hand, like it genuinely flinched away at it's own accord.
"Don't you dare touch me."
There was a woman walking down the stairs, about to cross past us. She pauses, I let her pass, trying to smile reassuringly.
She walks past and I carry on walking.
"No. Literally." Nathan says. "Who? Why do you think that?"
"Nath, she told me."
He makes a confused sound. "I didn't. I wouldn't."
Oh. I don't know.
"It doesn't really matter."
"It does to me."
It doesn't matter to me anymore. So I hurry up the second set of stairs, heading to floor C because that's what the lady said, and Nathan hurries, walking easily to keep up with my pace.
"No listen."
"Nathan stop."
"Do you believe me though? That I would never."
"I don't believe you." I say, an unamused laugh escaping me. "I don't trust you enough to believe anything you say anymore. But don't worry, it's not a big deal really."
"I wouldn't do that to you."
The laugh I let out was offensive to Nathan apparently. I look at him, he genuinely looks confused.
"I don't know, maybe it was when you were pissed but- all I was saying is that we are here because you're showing me to Blaise, nothing more. So stop trying to make conversa-"
"She's lying." He says. He frowns. "Sorry but why the fuck would she say that?"
"Stop-"
"No, like were you fighting or something? Because I have never once seen her like that, tried it on with her, anything. I swear."
He literally seems so distressed by this news. That this might make him look bad.
It's amusing.
Because to me, him hitting on Scar, seems like one of the least things he's done to me.
I guess that just means I might not be emotionally invested in this anymore.
Which is always good I guess.
So I shrug. "Ok."
Because even if he did, who cares. Maybe this will keep him quiet.
"Ok?"
I nod. Walking up the last step and heading to the door, Nathan pulls it open again, his arm fast and longer than mine.
I sigh and walk through, not offering any gratitude.
"I thought she was my friend." He chuckles. "Like I know her loyalty lies with you and all that, but we were good. She helped me."
I stay quiet.
"So why would she say something to you in order to try and hurt you? And use- like why-"
He is pathetic. I am sorry. It's so rude to think that, I know.
But I figured it out already. Why can't he just come to his own conclusions, he's smart enough.
If Nathan never actually did hit on her. If she made it up. It was because she wanted to hurt me. Because in that moment last night she was insecure about my friendship with Blaise. She wanted to seem like she had the upper hand.
It was a dick move but I know her, I understand that those would have been her reasons.
I walk towards the main nurse at the station. "Hi, could you help me please?"
"Yes hon, what's up?"
"I am here to visit Blaise Jacobs?"
She nods, typing something into her computer.
I look at Nathan. "You can go now."
"You expect me to just go and take Scar home now?"
I rub my face, tired. This isn't my problem.
"Dear are you family?" The lady asks.
I nod quickly. "Sister, Lottie Jacobs, I er..." I search my pockets. "Sorry I was in a rush, I didn't grab any ID, I was staying at my boyfriend's when I got the call my brother was here."
She nods sympathetically.
Nathan stares at the side of my head.
He looks back at the door. "I'll go."
I look at him, nod slightly sarcastically. "Please."
He just looks at me, like his eyes are on mine and I hold his gaze for a second before I decide I don't wanna look at him, not so closely, I turn back to the nurse.
"You can ask him, tell him I am here and he'll confirm I am his sister."
She nods. "The thing is dear; he's refused every other visitor."
"Could you just tell him I am here? Please?"
"Sure, of course." The lady asks someone else to go and tell him, to check, and Nathan walks away.
He doesn't really say anything, just walks away.
Which was a nice change.
The I pull my phone out to check it and I see a huge ass paragraph from Rowan.
And it makes my stomach twist because he doesn't text- like- that. I go to open it but then my name is called, and I see the other lady, beckoning me to one of the doors.
I nod and put my phone away.
God what was he saying?
What if it was a whole, I don't want this, type of message?
Oh goodness.
I concentrate on Blaise for now and walk to her, poking my head round the door before I push it open fully.
He was sat up, his eyes wide, he looked scared, paranoid maybe? He sighed in relief when he saw it was me.
I slowly walked in the room, closing the door behind me. He was in a room by himself. There was another bed next to him. But it was just him.
He was hooked up to wires, an IV bag, he looked very ill.
Like he looked grey ish, almost.
I shook my head at him. "Your girlfriend is going to kill me, I hope you realise that."
"Ha, prefer her to think we're fucking than anything else."
I walk into the room more and heave a sigh, looking at him in slight distress then plomping myself down at the end of his hospital bed, Blaise moves his legs accordingly so I can sit down.
"That is all she thinks, right?" He asks.
"What?"
"Did I... did I tell her anything? Last night. Like when I was- whatever- being a fucking psycho, did I tell her anything?"
I shake my head slowly. Realising why I am here.
"No. You don't remember?"
He shakes his head.
I nod. "Okay so, all Scarlett told me was that yous were all sat around, Scar was smoking, you were doing some type of pills and then you started to have a panic attack."
I look at him.
His eyes were on the bedding.
"Have you ever had a panic attack before?" I ask.
He shrugs. "Recently, probably."
"Ok." I whisper. "I don't think you said much, or well whatever you said wasn't coherent. She didn't tell me anything you said, just that you couldn't breathe, that you were freaking out and then you were sick, like that you got sick."
He nods. "Yeah that's been happening a bit."
"What?" I ask.
"Like can't breathe, then get nauseous."
I nod. A little. He's so poorly.
"Then you-" I clear my throat, getting his attention on me because I could tell he was deeply distracted, thinking.
He looks up.
"Then you became unresponsive. Like you wouldn't respond to anyone and they freaked out. Your mates? Dan and that- they left you. Scarlett called an ambulance. Blaise you terrified her."
"I know I did."
"And now you just hurt her by not talking to her, by asking for me."
"I- I needed to know what happened."
"I know." I look at his vitals. "So er... are you good? Alive."
"Yep."
I reach down to grab his chart that is hung on the back of his bed. He shakes his head at me. Telling me no. So I stop and look at him.
"Just freaked out, guess I was thinking too much. It's not-"
"You look like death."
He narrows his eyes. "I am hungover."
"You're on a come down."
He shrugs. "They're discharging me in-"
"Do they know you're addicted?"
Blaise pauses. He rolls his eyes. "Dramatic, I am not."
"Blaise-"
"Lottie, stop."
"I will stop." I say. But I whisper. "But it's everyday Scar said. You're high or on something every day. That's-"
"I am doing it more regularly because life is shit at the moment. That's not-"
"Blaise if you cannot cope without them... like what even is it? That you're taking?"
"Anything really." He admits. "It's fine."
"It's not."
"Just- I just needed you to tell me what she knew. What I did. You don't need to be here anymore."
I stare at him. I shake my head. "You're not well Blaise. Like you- what did they treat you for?"
He shrugs. "They just er sobered me up, rehydrated me, tried to get a psych evaluation but the guy never turned up, apparently someone with more pressing needs came up."
I frown. "Does your therapist guy know that you're using? To cope?"
He closes his eyes. "You're stressing me out."
I nod. "I know. I am sorry."
We just look at eachother. "But does he?"
He shakes his head.
"Maybe he should." I say.
He sighs. "Can you-"
"What?" I ask.
"Can you call my parents?" He chuckles. "I don't know how to explain this."
"I can." I say. "But they've been calling Scarlett all morning worried, they might just need to hear your voice."
"I blocked them." He chuckles. "Last night, I don't even know why, I just panicked and blocked them."
"Then unblock."
He reaches over and grabs his cellphone. I watch as he does something on it and so I get my own out.
"Think Scarlett's text me saying she doesn't wanna do this anymore." Blaise says.
I roll my eyes. "I am sure she's said that like eight times."
"Never over text."
I look up.
He is reading the message. His eyebrows screwed together. "Yeah I am pretty sure she's serious."
I glance down at my own phone. "Well if it's any condolence, think Rowan may have just sent me a similar text."
He raises an eyebrow at me and I shrug. "I haven't read it yet."
"Read it."
So I open my phone and I click on it.
Rowan: I'm sorry I left, I didn't mean to come off as judgemental or like controlling back there. Hospitals freak me out. For some reason I felt like you were really unsafe and I spun out a bit. I didn't think about it maybe just being my own head shit because I just was thinking about how much these people have put you through and I just wanted you to not go near them. But the feeling was there because I was near the hospital I think. I just got in my head that I felt weird because Scarlett and Nathan were there and they have hurt you before... but I know that's random and weird and I know it was actually just my own head playing up. So I am sorry, for being weird. I am trying I promise
I read the message twice.
Relieved that he wasn't ending it. But now concerned.
I thought he only stressed about his family.
His three- like he counts to three. You know?
He hasn't done that in so long.
I mean I don't know what's going on in his head most the time, but the past few days he never mentioned it being about me.
Hospitals are freaky though. I suppose. Especially since Rowan worries so much about people. Like-
I look at Blaise and he's just watching my face.
"Good or?" He asks.
I nod. "Can I phone him quick?"
He shrugs, he doesn't care.
So I press call on Rowan's number and it rings and rings until finally he answers.
"Hey?"
"Did you drive and text?" Was the first thing I accidently say. "Because you drove off and then two minutes later you sent that?"
"How is Blaise?" He answers, avoiding my question.
"Rowan, seriously. Don't text and-"
"I am literally parked just outside the hospital. I chilled out as soon as I left the parking lot and I realised it was probably the hospital, freaking me out. Causing me to be a dick."
I wasn't angry at him, really, like before. Just confused why he chose to say what he said.
"Stop beating yourself up." I say quietly. "And yeah Blaise is fine. Everyone is fine. I am fine."
"When I left and calmed down, it clicked into place so like er, I am outside if you need a lift."
"You have therapy, right?" I ask, glancing at Blaise because that was sort of private and I didn't mean to say it.
Rowan hums yeah. "But not until three."
"Okay." I say. I look at Blaise. "Do you need a lift home?" I whisper.
He shakes his head. "I text mum."
I nod at him. "Roe, we'll talk properly in a little bit yeah? I will probably be done in like five/ ten minutes? Then we can talk."
"There is nothing to talk about Lots, just wanted to explain."
"We do need to talk if I am becoming something you stress about Rowan."
"No, we don't." His voice is sure. Final. My eyebrows raise at it.
"You understand I don't shut up when you use that tone right?"
"I wasn't trying to shut you up, I was just saying we don't need to analyse this."
I sigh. "I'll be done in a bit, will you wait?"
"Of course I will. I am literally parked on the street outside the parking lot."
"Okay." I mumble, frowning.
He doesn't hang up.
"Are we... like good?" He asks.
I don't know. Are we? There's tension. Like I can feel it.
"Yeah?" I offer. "Just- let's just do this in a bit, ok?"
"Ok."
"I will see you in a sec."
"Okay." He says quietly and I hang up.
Damn we were really good last night, this morning even.
It'll be fine.
I look at Blaise. I smile a little.
"So he's not breaking up with you...?"
I shake my head. "We're not dating anyway."
He rolls his eyes. "Sure, bet it's like two days until glasses asks you to be his lil girlfriend."
I shake my head again.
Because we haven't ever even talked about like what's going on here.
We just agreed that what ever it is good and we should just chill.
I am chilling.
It's fine.
"My parents are coming." Blaise says. "I'll tell someone about the pills. I can't end up here again."
I nod. "What about Scar?"
He shrugs. "I guess it means we're over."
"Blaise." I frown.
He meets my eyes and he honestly just looks at me. "It's ok, like I should have ended it before, right? Since I don't want to tell her about all this shit."
I nod just slightly.
"So she can end it on her terms and I'll be fine."
"You told me that she was the only thing keeping your head above water."
"I don't want to be the thing that drags hers under though. She's been bitchy and stressed. She thinks I am keeping secrets, she's being spiteful and irritable with her friends. Like I don't want that for her so..."
I nod, understanding.
Like I do get it.
"Please talk to your parents, about the pills."
"They'll send me inpatient."
"Is it that bad?"
He lifts his hand up, showing me it's unsteadiness.
"I don't know if this is because of last night or because I haven't taken anything this morning."
"Talk to them."
Blaise nods a little. "Ok."
"I need to go and sort out my own stuff, are you ok for me to leave?"
"Yeah I am fine. I should be getting discharged as soon as my parents get here."
"Good ok."
He nods and I stand up from the bed, straightening myself and then looking towards the door. "Lottie?" Blaise calls as I start to walk away.
I look at him.
"Thanks. For coming."
"It's ok."
"I am sorry Scarlett is mad at you. I will straighten that, make sure she-"
I shake my head. "Blaise, it's fine."
He nods.
And so I leave, signing out on the little sheet, because although I didn't register him doing it, Nathan had signed my name in.
I walk out then, heading back down the stairs. Back outside.
Admittedly I look around for Scarlett and Nathan, wondering if they might still be in the carpark, but once I registered I was looking for them, I stopped.
I head out of the car park, looking around for Roe.
He was parked across the street, just like he said, he looked tired, his eyes on mine when I finally did see him.
I smiled a little.
He smiled softly back and I crossed over, heading to his car.
He watches as I get in.
"Hey." I say.
"Hi."
I look at him.
He looks at me.
He smiles slightly. "Sorry."
"It's ok."
"I- er-" He starts. "I just-"
"It's ok. I understood from your text."
He nodded.
"But I don't understand why you kept talking about how you wouldn't be friends with them... like why you said that, why you thought I'd even force you to do that. I would never."
He sighs, rushes out. "I don't know, I was just spinning out I guess. They are loud and like- attention drawing- I just- I thought you'd want this- whatever this is to be more of a secret, but today obviously it's pretty clear that you don't care about them knowing-"
Rowan pauses.
He closes his eyes. "My tone sounds off because this I feel a bit off. I don't mean to sound mad. I am not."
"You want this to be a secret?" I ask.
"Our friendship wasn't like- broadcasted. So why does this have to be?" He says.
I look at him, I nod a little.
I nod because I want this.
But my stomach burns because a little part of me thought that maybe this was heading into something more serious. I know it freaks me out slightly, but I guess that is what I want. I don't want to be a secret.
I want Rowan to be happy that I am here. I want him to appreciate that I am here.
I don't think he's saying that he doesn't.
I think he is just worried about drawing attention to himself.
I nod. "I will make sure none of them say anything at school. I swear, they'll listen. Scarlett has known about our friendship for a while now, she also clued onto me having feelings for you probably before I did. Nathan is fine, he has no right to care and he knows that. And Blaise has enough of his own shit going on, he doesn't care about you."
Rowan nods. "So we're ok?"
I nod, looking down.
He makes a slightly stressed sound, and I don't look up, I know he's watching, feeling the weird vibe I am putting out.
But I can't help but feel it.
He reaches out, spreads his hand to cup my cheek and he gently moves my face so my eyes connect with his.
"That doesn't mean anything." He says.
I frown.
"That I can't be public with this like at school and shit. That doesn't mean I don't like you. That doesn't mean anything in regard to my feelings for you. It's just I am fucking insane and can't deal with attention."
"Can you stop saying that?"
"What?" He asks, searching my eyes.
"That you're insane, you're not."
He smiles slightly. Half shrugs. "Sorry."
"I thought you- you said you were doing better."
Rowan smiles slightly. "I shouldn't be letting you in, I shouldn't be starting something up with you."
I lean back.
"Don't say that either."
He just gently strokes my cheek with his thumb and then he drops his hand, bringing it to himself and he runs his hand through his own hair.
He shrugs. "I just worry that I am only temporally ok. Today and my head freaked me out."
"I am here whether you're ok or not. I thought we gathered this."
Rowan smiles a little. "I don't know if you should be though."
I frown and I lift my hand to his face, he lets me, so I lean closer and sort of try to pull his face to mine.
He moves his face close to mine so I could press my lips very gently against his.
He kisses me back, with the exact same pressure.
So I, more assured, kiss him, cupping my hands either side of his face.
I pull back. "How can this be bad? Don't overthink this, please?"
"Sorry." He whispers, and he presses his nose against mine, kissing me just once on the lips and then leaning back.
I stare at him still concerned.
"Let's go back to mine?" Rowan asks. "Fran and Sutton text saying they're gonna come and do some work in the project room, but we can hang with them, you can stay with Sutton whilst I go to therapy?"
I nod a little. "Project room? What the hell is a project room?"
He looks slightly embarrassed. He shrugs. "I dunno, just like a spare room we have, it's where people do work, or like you know, projects."
I hum.
"You're very middle class, you know this right?"
He looks at me, turning the car on. "Don't blame me, blame the divorce."
I laughs little. "Roe."
He shrugs, letting out a small similar laugh.
He starts to move the car and I can't help but ask.
"How's your head? Are you good to be driving?"
He glances at me. "Yes, it's all passed now. I am fine."
"Promise?"
"I do."
"Okay." I whisper. "Good."
He doesn't say anything, but he gets the car going then moves his hand over and he asks for mine.
He voluntarily holds my hand, linking our fingers for me as we sit in quiet and he drives us home.
And I hope to God he isn't lying. That he is ok. That it has passed.
But as he rubs my hand with his thumb, he does it in precise but subtle intervals of four.
And I don't know what that means but I lift his hand to my lips and press a kiss down on it anyway.
love u all. opinions?