Wei Wuxian woke up in the morning earlier than he normally would. He did not know at what time exactly, but it must have been close to the hour Lan Zhan usually got up at. He had not slept too well during the night since he had to constantly think about the morning. Today was the day when he would have to pick up his duties, today was the day when he would have to put on his usual mask for everyone to see and try his best to behave normally in front of the disciples and his family.
He sighed and sat up on his bed. He was already dreading it but it still made him slightly excited to be able to get out of his room at last. Since Wen Qing had given him permission just as Jiang Cheng did, he could go wherever he wanted to, wherever he needed to go.
It was still a little bit early for the normal training to start but there should already be disciples in the training field. He could go and start interacting with them. It would be easier to get used to his new position and role when only a few people would see, or at least he hoped so. He was no stranger to pretending to be alright and cheerful, but after the war, those did not come naturally to him anymore. He would have to put in some serious effort.
He looked around the room which he now knew as the back of his hand and had to state that he was alone. It made sense; since he normally woke up at a later hour, Lan Zhan was not here with his breakfast yet. That was fine, he could eat after training the disciples. He still did not want to eat together with them, he suspected that he would need a little break after exerting himself.
And he also wanted to spend some time with Lan Zhan. He was sad but he knew fully well that once he would pick up his duties of the head disciple again, he would not be able to spend much time with his beloved anymore. Or at least not in the same way. They could still probably stand side by side during the day as he would be going around, but it would no longer be just the two of them. He was already mourning those easy and happy days.
However, there was nothing he could do about that. It was clear that he needed to prove his loyalty to the Yunmeng Jiang sect. He also had to let the whole cultivation world see that he was no threat by taking up his sword again.
And speaking of his sword, where was Suibian? Until today, Wei Wuxian had not given it much thought. He had not seen it from the moment Jiang Cheng had given it back to him after he had emerged from the Burial Mounds. He had simply tossed it somewhere in his tent and then put it together with his belongings so he would not have to look at it. It had been too painful, a constant reminder that he was not a proper cultivator anymore.
However, now he needed it. If he would not find it, how could he start carrying it around as any cultivator should? He could not imagine the possibility that it had gotten lost during the Sunshot campaign somehow and he would have to get a new sword. Even the thought of carrying Suibian was painful enough, he would surely not be able to take another sword with the knowledge that he would not be able to use it properly anyway.
He wondered whether he had perhaps already forgotten how to wield a sword. It had been so long since he had one in his hand and even longer since he drew one. He would not be surprised if he would have to practice his sword work from the very beginning. Not only had he forgotten the motions, his body probably remembered them from the constant drilling during his younger days, but he was afraid that without a golden core, even this would amount to nothing.
He would have to come up with a new way for him to pretend that he was still able to cultivate with spiritual energy. He could not let the cultivation world see him using resentful energy ever again. From what he had overheard from the disciples only days ago, everyone was out and looking for his every mistake. He could easy tell that it would be hard to convince them under normal circumstances, not even talking about having no way of going back to proper cultivation.
He sighed again and started looking around the room. If his belongings had been salvaged after the war, he was sure they would be somewhere around here. Somewhere where he had not yet looked during his boredom.
After only several minutes of searching, he opened one of the cabinets he had once used to store his supplies for crafting and inventing new talismans out of Madame Yu's watchful eyes. He had not looked inside earlier as he had avoided anything which would remind him of demonic cultivation and more importantly, which could potentially alert the cultivation world and put them against him. There were no supplies now, only his sword and his flute, standing side by side in two weapon stands.
His eyes filled with tears seeing that even Chenqing had been recovered from the Nightless City palace. Unconsciously, he reached his hand to touch his spiritual tool. He stopped himself just short of actually putting his fingers on the polished bamboo.
He shook his head, even though his flute was calling for him, he could not succumb to his desire. If he would touch it and remember how easy it was to wield it, he would have even a harder time picking up his sword. His determination waivered only for a second. He knew that without a proper weapon, he would be hardly able to protect himself and get a peace of mind which he would not be able to feel while carrying around a sword.
However, his decision had been made, the whole cultivation world was watching and he could not be this selfish. It was not like there was a real danger looking for him in Lotus Pier. He would not have to defend himself. And even if worst came to worst, he could use demonic cultivation without his flute, although harder to control and not as powerful, he would still be able to fight. Not that he would need it, certainly not.
So with a third sight, he unglued his eyes from Chenqing and took Suibian out of the cabinet instead.
He caressed the sheath longingly. The sword had once sung to him and a simple touch would have made his spiritual energy reach back to it, they had been a good pair, it had almost felt like his sword had a spiritual cognition of its own. He pulled Suibian out of its scabbard and looked at the shining metal. Someone had taken good care of it, it seemed. Wei Wuxian recalled all those times when he would clean his sword even several times a day just to feel it vibrating and responding to him under his fingers. It had always been such a bliss to wield it freely and without restraints.
It did not feel like that anymore though. The sword seemed way heavier than he remembered it. It was as if he was just holding a cold piece of metal instead of a first class spiritual weapon. It almost made him cry knowing that he would never be able to wield it as it deserved, never again.
Still, his decision had been taken and he would not go back on it now. He knew what he had to do. And if it came to it, he could still wield his sword for several seconds, it was not like his body was completely devoid of spiritual energy, it was just that he did not have enough of it. He was like any normal person, not a cultivator anymore.
The hollow place in his chest where his golden core had once been started suddenly hurting as if his sword was trying to reach out to something that was no longer there. Wei Wuxian quickly put it back into its scabbard and lowered it out of his sight. He held it close to his hip where he would not have to look at it all the time. The pain slowly receded and he decided to ignore it. It was not like he could do anything about it.
He turned his back to the cabinet which still contained his flute and climbed out of his room through the window. He did not want to face the disciples guarding his door – he could tell that they were there because he could hear their breathing and occasional change of position – and in this way, it was also closer to the training field. He smiled a bit; he had used to do this every morning when he had woken up too late and had to hurry in order not to miss the training.
It was high time for him to go to the training field and greet the disciples there. He had duties to attend to and a cultivation world to convince that he was not a threat as Wen Ruohan had been.