The door was opened and I saw a big smiley Spencer who crushed me with a big hug as soon as she saw me. I was surprised at first, but once I got stable I closed my eyes and hugged her back. I missed her warmth so much.
"I missed you" I whispered.
"I missed you too" Spencer pulled away but was still close to look me in the eyes, "How was your flight?"
"Exhausting, I thought Dani would follow me because she was surprised I went out instead of going to sleep." I rolled my eyes and she laughed and hugged me again.
"Come in." She took my hand and lead me to her room, I heard noises in the house but no one was in sight, so we didn't encounter anyone on our way up to her room.
"We're throwing Dani a surprised birthday party tomorrow, Emmyn planned it with our parents, we didn't really know about it until this morning... you wanna come too?" I told her and she nodded accepting the invitation while I sat next to her in her bed.
"I thought you were recording your new song tomorrow."
"That was the plan, but I'll push it for the day after" I shrugged and we stayed in silence for a few seconds, "We said we'd talk..." I started and she looked at me waiting for me to keep going, "Like... about what are we?"
"Oh" She smirked and I bit my lip, "You mean like, you wanna be my girlfriend?" She asked clearly teasing me and I smacked her arm, "Ouch! Okay, if you don't want to it's fine, no need to be aggressive about it!"
"You're annoying, like for real" I stood up pretending to be offended and she took my hand to get me to sit again.
"I actually didn't know I had to ask to make it official." She said sincerely.
"Okay so I'll ask" I decided to be brave about it, especially because the answer was already so clear to both of us, "You want to be girlfriend?"
"I mean... okay... I guess..."
"And you just HAD to be annoying again, didn't you?!" I got up again, this time when she took my hand she was standing in front of me.
"I do" She just said with a smile.
"Have to be annoying? Yeah I know" I had to get her back for her snarky response and she laughed shaking her head.
Spencer put the palm of her hands on both of my cheeks and leaned in. When our lips connected she hugged me and I put my arms around her neck, drowning in the entire feeling. I needed that so much while I was in LA, having that feeling that I was doing nothing wrong, that I could do this without hesitations. And I needed her to be with me, I missed her and now I could get through it all, with her.
**
"Ready? One, two, three! Happy birthday!!!" We screamed really close to Dani who jumped off her bed scared for her life. It was only Joey, Nick and I, but we still made it loud enough to scare her.
"Jesus I hate you" Dani mumbled when she understood what was happening and crawled back under the sheets.
"Wake up birthday girl!!" Joey didn't let her get it and pulled the blanket away from her, making her groan.
"Come on Dans, Emmyn will be here in like five minutes" I said knowing it will get her up and the three of us laughed at her when it did.
Dani got up to start getting ready for her boyfriend, we hugged her wishing her happy birthday properly now and then left so she could get ready. Emmyn will take her out almost for the entire day as they planned, but what she didn't know is that we will wait for her with the rest of our family and some of our friends for a surprise party when they come back.
After I helped cleaning the house for our guests Amy and I went to see an apartment Amy found on the internet. It was a cool place and the owners were a really nice couple. The price was good for us and the rooms were pretty big. We put them on hold, not making a decision yet until we looked at the other two places Amy found that we will go see tomorrow.
I left Amy back home and went to see my girlfriend. We didn't have much time before we had to go back to Dani's party, but we still wanted to hang out. When I got to her house I heard yelling from the inside. I never heard them yelling at each other, they were a caring and loving family, this was unusual. I decided to text Spencer I was outside instead of knocking, and waited for her to come open the door.
"Hi" Spencer smiled weakly as she opened the door.
"Hey babe, is everything okay in there?" I asked worried and she made an expression letting me know that not so much and then let me in.
"... And instead of doing something about it you just put me back in!" Hailee, the youngest sister yelled at her parents, on the verge of tears.
"They said they'll deal with those kids Hailee, but we don't want you to miss the year" Their father explained.
"They won't do anything, you don't understand" Hailee continued.
"Why do you keep saying that?" Kelly, her older sister asked her, "You keep saying we don't understand, then what's going on?" There was silence when Hailee just shook her head, not wanting to explain.
"Never mind" She eventually said and went upstairs to her room.
"Hi Lauren," Their mom acknowledge me and I looked at her surprised, I didn't mean to interrupt.
"Hi, sorry I came in a bad moment" I said shyly and she smiled.
"It's not your fault, sorry you had to hear us yelling" She apologized.
"It sounded worst from outside." I tried to lighten the mood and they chuckled.
"Mom, if she says the teachers are not doing anything about those kids then maybe you should talk to them again" Spencer asked her parents, sad for her little sister.
"We will, but she has to go back to school anyway."
"She doesn't want to, she's afraid" Kelly said, annoyed with her parents persistent.
"She just needs to know that we're here for her, she can make it, she's strong" Her mother told her with conviction.
"Not strong enough apparently..."
"Kelly stop! I believe in her... we will talk to the principal, of course, we will do whatever we need so she will feel protected, but I also believe that she will be okay, because I know she is strong... she got you as role models." She smiled at her daughter who didn't seem so convinced even after those words.
"I'll wait for you in your room." I whispered to Spencer who nodded and I walked upstairs.
When I was walking to Spencer's room I passed by Hailee's room, the door was closed but I could hear her sobbing. It was heartbreaking and I remembered her mother's words downstairs. I don't think Hailee knows what her mother thinks of her, I don't think Hailee knows her parents are doing this because they truly believe in her and truly believe she is strong enough to get through it.
I debated whether or not to knock on the door and talk to her. But I felt like it wasn't my place. My mind started to get wild and I instantly pulled my phone out texted my older sister.
Laur: We HAVE to write a song called I Believe In You!
Just hearing Hailee crying inside her room, I wanted so much to dedicate a song to her, like telling her what her parents think. That she is strong and we believe in her, she can rise out of this bullying and get through it. And probably there are a lot more kids out there just waiting for someone to tell them how strong they are and that someone believes in them. The title for the song was already handed to me.
Chris: Are you serious Lauren?? Dani is coming home in like a minute, get over here!
Oh rip, I completely forgot about the party. Thankfully Christina answered me on a private text and not in the group so Dani wouldn't see it. I rushed downstairs and apologized to Spencer's family before telling them we were late and had to go.
So we missed the initial surprise, we came home about 15 minutes after Dani arrived but she was too happy to be mad about it, so she just laughed at us and shrugged it off. We still had a really good time and Dani loved the jeans I bought for her as a gift.
**
"Hey babe" I heard Spencer's voice behind me and she hugged me kissing my cheeks, I smiled and leaned into her warm embrace, "How's it going with the song? Arielle said Sidney's gonna be here in a couple of minutes, your sisters are waiting for her downstairs" She took a seat in the chair next to me and I saved my work and looked at her.
"Just finished, I have this part in her song that I really don't understand, so I just put it aside, I'll ask her about it when we get to it."
"It's so cool seeing you in your element, I love it" She smiled softly and put her hand on my knee, "You should go down with the girls, Sidney's gonna be here any minute" Spencer said and I nodded and got up. "I'm gonna go talk to Acacia about the photoshoot, so I'll see you later" Spencer got up too and I turned to give her a kiss before going downstairs.
These were going to be really long two days, but also very productive. The video wasn't going to be out for a while, we were recording this way in advance. But it wasn't only for Sidney that we were doing this, it was for all those people who were struggling with self-esteem. We wanted to show them that your first try will probably not be your best, but you can keep trying and learn from it, just don't let the bad things get to you.
Sidney was really cute, she was so nervous when she saw us and it always throws me off how people actually love us and get nervous meeting us.
After chatting a little, the delivery food Kath ordered for all of us arrived, I texted Spencer to tell her the food was here and after a minute her and Acacia came in and she sat beside me. We were all sitting at the meeting room of the studio and ate while joking around. We didn't talk to Sidney about anything work related, we wanted her to get comfortable with us first so we just talked about really random stuff.
Dani was pretty out of it today, I know she will do everything in the most professional way, but she was spacing out a lot. Unfortunately, I didn't have a chance to catch up with her and ask her what was going on, I could just assume it had something to do with wedding stress or her decision of leaving the band.
"What are you staring at?" Spencer whispered beside me and I looked at her.
"Dani... Do you see she is a little off, or is it just me?"
"Baby, she's been off for weeks now, you are just now seeing it? It's probably because of the band thing" I wanted to tell her to not call me baby when we were in the same room as everybody, but I decided to drop it, I love it when she calls me that.
"Yeah, I guess you're right... I don't like seeing her like that, I don't like not being able to help her..." I looked down at my shoes, I was disappointed at myself.
"I think you do help her by just knowing what's going on with her so she knows she can come to you whenever she wants, but you can always ask how you can help more."
I was a little shocked at this, it never crossed my mind to just go to Dani and ask her how I can help her. It was so simple.
"You're smart!" I smiled at her and she just stuck her tongue out at me and we laughed.
The first thing in the plan was the photoshoot. Sidney showed us some of the outfits she brought with her that she liked the most and Dani and I explained that we were going to do three sets of different shoots so we needed to pick the best fitting outfits.
"Okay, I have an idea," Spencer said after some time of us struggling to pick an outfit for the indoor photos, "If you want Sidney to be at her best element, then just go with what she's wearing now. Sidney, you wear it because you like it, right? And it's comfortable?" She addressed her question to the younger girl who nodded.
"Yeah, it's simple and comfy, but you really think it's that good for a photoshoot?" Sidney asked her with confusion.
"It's actually good, you can stay with this if you want" Dani agreed and smiled at Spencer's good idea.
"Okay, and the dress for the outdoor?"
"Yeah, the dress is good, it fits the outside we have in the back." Spencer confirmed, that's what she and Acacia did before, see the outsides of the studio.
"We'll do the indoors today and then tomorrow we do the outdoors." Christina said and everyone around agreed.
Dani and I instructed Sidney on what to do and how to pose, she caught on pretty quickly and we were actually having a good time. Christina and Spencer were at the door looking at the photoshoot while talking to each other, I couldn't really hear what they were saying but I think it had something to do with tomorrow's photoshoot.
"Guys, get some more light in" Spencer told us and Arielle went to the window and opened up the curtains a little.
"You think-" I was about to say but as soon as Arielle left the curtains they shut off again.
"Oh no, please don't tell me I'm gonna need to stay like this the entire time" Arielle rolled her eyes with annoyance and we all laugh at her.
"Forever!" I teased her and she stuck her tongue out at me but moved to the window again, "I don't think the light is really helping" I said looking at my girlfriend and she moved closer to us to look from our angle.
"Chris, can you open it from the other side?" Spencer asked my sister who walked across the room and did it, "How about if she goes from the right? I'll tell you what, the thing is that we picked the black shirt, so you gotta have some contrast."
"Okay, put your body that way" Dani instructed Sidney trying to take Spencer's advice, the light from the curtain hit Sidney's face in a perfect way.
"How does that look on the camera?" Spencer asked looking at me and Acacia, the brunette took the picture and we looked at it.
"That looks great" Acacia said and I smiled at Spencer in approval.
We finished the shooting pretty quick after that, Dani was in charge of the art stuff so she was happy with the results, and so was Sidney. The next thing on our bucket list was the producing of the track, so I went to the studio with the younger girl and we sat down. Sam, our camera man said it was rolling so we were able to start working.
"I took out this thing because I wasn't really sure what you were going for with it... so I didn't wanna redo it until I ask you that..."
"Yeah I'm pretty sure I know what you're talking about" Sidney said and I smiled.
"It's this thing..." I played it for her.
"I don't like it" She said it so quickly and I couldn't help but burst into laughter, she tried to explain what she was doing with it and why she kept it in the song but all that explanation only made me laugh even more.
"Okay, so you don't want it?" I made sure even though it was obvious, and if she'd even try to convince me why we should keep it I would convince her otherwise, you don't put things in your songs that you don't like. Never.
"Just completely... just ditch it." And that's what I did before we could move on.
"Well that's Lauren for you" I heard Christina from behind me and looked at her confused, "How you caught on to this part, like you knew Sidney herself didn't like it" She look at me impressed.
"You would probably do the same, it was just really random in the track" I told her, not really taking the compliment.
"Lauren you coming??" Amy called out for me from the car with Dani in the driver seat right beside her.
"No, we'll drive Sidney and her mom to the hotel, I'll come home later" I told them pointing at Spencer and I, she nodded and told Dani to start driving and they took off.
"We'll see you tomorrow, don't forget to bring the dress and a more comfortable outfit, yeah?" Christina reminded Sidney who nodded furiously and thanked her.
Everyone scattered off and we led Sidney and her mother to Spencer's car. We wanted to be polite so I told her mom to take the front seat and I sat in the back with the younger girl.
"Did you enjoy today?" I asked her and she nodded at me smiling.
"It was amazing, I still think I'm dreaming" She said and I chuckled.
"And tomorrow is going to be even better" Her mom interfered and I looked at her confuse.
"Why? Because you're leaving?" I teased and they both laughed.
"No, because she will be working with her crush"
"What?" I stayed shocked with that statement.
"Mom!!" Sidney scolded her, but she just turned to her with a smirk.
"Lisa?" Spencer asked trying to stifle her laugh although she was really surprised.
"Okay one can have a celebrity crush, no big deal" Sidney said trying to play it off but she looked at me worried, "Sorry, I didn't mean to sound creepy, but I swear it's nothing, I'm actually seeing a girl back in Oklahoma."
"Cool" I mumbled and glanced at Spencer.
"Just cool Laur? How about 'I'm happy for you'? 'Hope it goes well with her'?" Spencer lectured me, "Don't worry, Lauren is just amazed that someone can have a crush on her weirdo sister, it's probably because you don't know her well enough." She looked at Sidney in the mirror and the girl started laughing.
"And I'm not sure you wanna know the real her" I said, finally letting go of the first shock, Spencer really broke the ice for me.
We arrived at their hotel, told them goodbye and I moved to the front seat. Spencer put her playlist on and started driving towards my house.
"I'm sorry I reacted weirdly before, I wasn't expecting this..."
"This what? Someone telling you they are gay?" I had to look at her and see her smiling to catch on that she was just teasing me, so I smiled back.
The way back home was pretty quick, full of music. When she parked in front of my house I took the seatbelt off and I leaned in to kiss her, "Goodnight" I said when we pulled out and got out of the car.
"Boo!" Alex scared me as soon as I got in the house and I jumped.
"Jesus Alex, why??" I slapped his arm and he chuckled.
"Why are you so awkward lately Laur?" He asked me in a serious tone and put one arm over my shoulder.
"Don't project your awkwardness on me" I tried to return it to him, I don't know how everyone notices me, there's so many people in the house, look the other way.
"Come on... you know you can tell me whatever, right?"
"I'm fine Alex, but thanks" I said but he looked at me disapprovingly, I sighed and pulled away from him to stand in front of him.
"What?" He asked worriedly.
"I'm fine, I just don't know if my fine can be your fine...? Does that make sense?" I look at him, confused myself with my choice of words.
"We will always be fine with your fine Laur, we just want you to be happy."
"I know, I just need time" I smiled at him and Alex smiled back and nodded understanding, he hugged me briefly and went upstairs.
"Lauren!" I heard Amy from upstairs calling for me and walked up the stairs to see her, "What are you doing tomorrow after the shooting?"
"I'm actually working on a song, but why?"
"I found a place, they say we can go tomorrow to see it, it won't take long."
"Oh okay, sure, we'll go after the shooting then" I smiled at her and she bounced up and down with excitement which made me laugh, I looked at her to see that she didn't need anything else and walked into my room and closed the door behind me.
I sat down on my bed and just stared at nothing in particular. Usually I was good at breaking the problem down and make up a plan on how to get better, journaling would help, meditating would help. I wasn't afraid that one of my sisters would read about it in my journal, we used to this a lot when we were younger, but we grew up and started to understand how important our privacy is, so we don't do this anymore.
I took my journal and started to write my thoughts down. I was realizing how messy they were when I couldn't gather two consistent thoughts together, nothing made sense, there was not a single phrase that was connected to the one before. It was frustrating and I had to put my pen down and take a deep breath. I closed my eyes and when I opened them a minute later, I took the pen again.
'Maybe that's what this is all about, we just started dating, I'm just starting to get used to do all of these things with a girl. I never thought this would happen to me, never thought I could feel this way for a girl. It's all so new. But it's happening, and it's confusing, so of course I'm confused. I'm okay when I'm with her, but then I'm around other people and I'm not okay. But it'll pass, because she's here. I'll figure it out.'