A/N- This is a songfic to a song I really like called The Truth Untold by BTS. It's a really deep song, actually. I used to listen to it back when I was getting seriously bullied and considering self-harm (which was when I actually wrote one of the poems I have in my poem collection called Why Give me Life?, or close to that time at least, i was depressed for quite a long time after the bullying so it could be anytime after it). Anyway I really liked this song. Let me give you the backstory to it so you can understand why it's so deep, although the lyrics do speak for themselves.
"The Truth Untold" is based on a true story. It all starts in a city / village north of Italy in the 15th/16th century). And in the village, is a small isolated castle, and in the castle, was an ugly guy. No one knows anything about the guy. This guy was so ugly, that he had to hide in the shadows. He came from a powerful family, but he was shunned due to his ugliness. The only thing that gave him joy was gardening.
But one day, a girl came to the man's garden, which was his secret hiding place, and stole flowers. The guy was furious and watched over his flowers at night to make sure they weren't stolen. The woman came back and stole some more flowers.
It kept on happening for a few days, until the man got curious and at night, he pretended to sleep. He saw the girl again, but this time, when the girl left, he covered himself with a blanket and followed her. By following her, he found out that she was poor and ill and the only way for her to survive was to sell the stolen flowers.Seeing her like this, he wanted to help her out in every way. But he was too afraid that she would be scared of him. He could only keep on growing flowers. He suddenly has the idea to create a non-existent flower, that she could sell at a more expensive price. After several tries, he finally created the perfect flower. He was excited, he planted them and grew many of them. He waited for the girl, but she didn't come. No matter how long he waited, she didn't come. Then he went looking for her, but he realized what happened.
He was too late. She had died.
So yeah, that's the backstory. Now let's get onto the actual oneshot.
Warning: Mentions of suicide ahead (actually this whole entire chapter has the theme of depression) if you feel uncomfortable I would recommend not reading this chapter, since it's a recurring theme throughout.
Full of loneliness, this garden is bloomed full of thorns. I hung myself in this sand castle~
"Wei Ying! Please, Wei Ying, tell me, why did you try to do that?
Wei Ying didn't answer. You had found him hanging from the ceiling, trying to kill himself. You had managed to save him before he had died, but now he wasn't talking to you, just sitting there completely disassociated. When you wrapped your arms around him, he trembled and pushed you away.
"N-no..." he whimpered. "L-leave me alone."
What is your name? Do you have a place to go? Oh, could you tell me? I saw you hidden in this garden~
Among all the beautiful people in Cloud Recesses, blooming like flowers in a garden- the beautiful, loved people in Cloud Recesses- Wei Ying felt like an outcast. He was ugly. He was mentally ill. And he was a disappointment. His own adopted siblings didn't even love him. They just thought he was a shield for them, to place in front of themselves to take bullets when they needed it. That was why Wei Ying had attempted suicide. Because his life meant nothing. He was a weed among flowers. And weeds needed to be picked... and killed.
And I know that all of your warmth is true, I want to hold your hand that is picking the blue flower~
When Wei Ying had met you, he had been comforted. He had met you literally in the garden, and figuratively within a garden of other people. You were kind to him, and didn't mind it if he disassociated or talked about his suicidal thoughts or eating disorder in front of you. Outbursts didn't matter to you. You were calm, placid, and peaceful. His beautiful savior, another weed in the carefully kept garden of flowers.
This is my fate. Don't smile on me, light on me... because I can't come to you, there's no name you can call me~
Wei Ying had been afraid to approach you. You seemed too perfect for him- a disciple of the Lan clan, brutal and rigid- but then he learned more about you, and he gathered up enough confidence to approach you. As your relationship grew from friends to lovers, he had doubted himself more and more.
Should he have even spoken to you in the first place?
You were everything he wasn't- beautiful, mentally stable and strong, and loved by everyone around you. You were popular, and he was hated. He shouldn't even be near you, much less be your lover.
And that brought anxiety to him.
Every night he would stay up and let his brain tell him how much you hated him. At first, he rejected that, knowing that you loved him and would never hate him. But as self-doubt set in, his belief in your love for him was gone.
You know that I can't show you me, give you me. I can't show you a run down part of myself... I wear a mask again and go to see you. But I still want you...~
As Wei Ying lost faith in your love for him, he began to distance himself from you. Every time you saw him, you noticed how unhealthy he looked, and commented on how he should take care of himself and keep himself safe. He would always respond with a smile and say, "I'll do that, Y/N," or on a better day say, "I'm doing well, don't worry about me!"
All lies. The whole facade he put up hurt himself, and he knew it hurt you. He began to hurt himself once again, cutting himself then hiding the cuts under long sleeves so that nobody would see them, especially not you.
He began falling into a pit of despair. And those pits are impossible to get out of, without someone else's help.
He still wanted your love, he loved you so much. You became his obsession. If you were upset with him, he was upset with himself, and if you were kind to him and loved him, he was kind and loved himself as well. You noticed his mental instability and took him to the doctor Wen Qing to get him checked out.
He wore the mask, the facade there.
Wen Qing never knew anything.
Bloomed in a garden of loneliness, a flower that resembles you, I wanted to give it to you, after I take off this foolish mask~
The days that followed were better days. You never left Wei Ying's side, suspecting that something was wrong with him. You loved him, and nurtured him as if he was a misguided child. He loved that, and because you loved him, he loved himself. He wanted to show you his true self now, show you his scars, he felt like he could trust you.
He planned on doing it...
But he couldn't. He couldn't show you the ugly parts of himself, the misshapen, the hideous.
The true parts of himself were for no one to see but him.
But I know I can never do that, I must hide because I am ugly~
Wei Ying began to doubt himself once again, and now his suicidal thoughts were louder. He couldn't block them out, but he kept on thinking one thing that kept him from committing the deed.
Y/N has to love me... she has to... I can't leave until I know she does...
That thought replayed in his head, and he continued to hurt himself, but more frequently now. His siblings got worried, and they called Wen Qing. She pulled the sleeves up and revealed Ying's scars, but he begged her not to tell his family.
She gave him medication, told him to take it. Begged him to take it, with tears in her eyes.
Medication is a sign of imperfection. A blemish. Ugliness.
Wei Ying never took his depression medication once.
I am afraid, I am run down. I'm so afraid that you'll leave me again in the end. I wear a mask again and go to see you~
His facade was crumbling. Wei Ying knew that. He also knew that his demons, his evil thoughts, would continue to attack him if he didn't do something.
So he chose the drastic option.
He got a rope and tied it around his neck.
He tried to hang himself.
What can I do in this garden, in this world? I bloom a pretty flower that looks like you and breathe as the me that you know. But I still want you...~
As Wei Ying's breath was taken away, and he went through a great amount of pain, all he could think about was how much he loved you.
His thoughts ran like a runaway train.
Y/N I love you please save me don't save me I want to die but I love you and I need you please save me no it's too late...
And then you came.
Maybe back then, if I had a little, just this much... If I had the courage to stand before you, would everything be different now?~ (I love this line so much, and this entire end part, because it hit hard for me when I was struggling and felt like i had nobody to talk to to stop it. If I just had the confidence to speak out, even a little, to my teachers, I wouldn't be feeling so badly. I got confidence later, but by that time I had already lost a lot)
Wei Ying looked up at you with his eyes filled with tears and choked out,
"Y-you d-don't love m-me... y-you h-hate me... don't you?"
You threw your arms around him and began to sob, feeling devastated by the fact that you had just seen someone you loved so much try to kill himself.
I'm crying at this, disappeared, fallen, in a sand castle alone looking at my broken mask~
"Wei Ying, I love you so much. You are my one and only star, you shine so brightly and beautifully, you light the way up for me. Without you, I wouldn't be myself. Please, tell me why you think I hate you," you sobbed.
"My thoughts... they say you hate me... everyday I try so hard to make you happy. If you're happy, I'm happy, if you're sad, I'm sad. You're my everything... but my brain still tells me you hate me," Wei Ying said.
"My precious... you've been hurting, haven't you?" you asked.
He nodded and buried his head in your chest, shaking and crying.
"I-I can't do it anymore, Y/N... I-I just c-can't... it h-hurts... I-I can't..."
"My love, if you would have told me this before I could have taken care of you, why didn't you tell me?"
"I-I was scared... s-scared that you would... that you would hate me more..." he whispered.
"Wei Ying, if you show me your scars, I can turn them into the most beautiful constellations you have ever seen," you said, speaking poetically now to try and calm him down with your words. "You need to show people and tell people when you're hurting, alright? We all love you, and we want to help you. Do you understand that? None of us hate you. We all love you, Wei Ying. You are our gem."
Wei Ying smiled- a sad smile, but a smile nonetheless. He let go of you, and slowly reverted into a happier form of himself. He still had scars, that much was obvious, and he still had urges to hurt himself. But something comforted him in the great amount of pain he was feeling.
No matter how much he was hurting, or what happened to him...
You would still want him.
A/N- This chapter put me in my feelings a bit, not going to lie. It made me remember the feelings I felt back when I was getting bullied in 7th grade, and how I feel inadequate everyday now, especially in school... I loved writing this chapter, although it was depressing, writing it calmed me. I just want to say that if you feel suicidal or depressed, you are not alone. There's numbers you can call, family and friends that love you... just keep in mind that you are never alone. Not one person on God's green earth deserves to be alone. Everyone deserves a friend, and everyone has at least one person on this earth that loves them. So cheer up. You guys are beautiful stars. Shine bright for yourself and others. Be the light, and make other people see the power of love.
See you soon.