A/N- Mentions of suicide/gore, and suicidal thoughts in this chapter. I'll add warnings when it happens so you can skip it if you're easily triggered by those types of things.
Also, on a lighter note, Xiao Zhan is so handsome with long hair like... man please explain how you are so handsome, it's just not possible for a man to look THIS good.
WEI YING HAD promised his loyal and loving husband Lan Zhan that he wouldn't hurt or kill himself, that he would take time for himself and recover so that he would no longer have suicidal thoughts or anxiety, but he soon realized that he couldn't keep that promise. Every day, he went through more pain. Every day he lived was another day he hated.
And that was how he found himself standing on the top of one of the many waterfalls in Cloud Recesses, preparing to jump off and end his life.
A/N- Mentions of blood/dark thoughts start here. They're not that serious yet though.
He'd made the decision of this spot for many reasons- one; it was beautiful, and he wanted the last thing he saw to be beautiful, two; killing himself with Suibian or any other weapon or drug would be painful and more time-consuming, and three; if people found his body lying at the bottom of a waterfall with his neck broken, they wouldn't react as strongly to it, if they saw him with his throat slit open and his sword in his hand, they would panic and have a strong reaction. He didn't want people to panic or cry when they saw his dead body. Then again, why would they? He was the disappointment of Yunmeng, the greatest fool in the Jiang clan that he had been adopted into. No one cared if he lived or died.
A/N- Mentions of blood and dark thoughts end here.
He moved his feet forward one by one, until they were both hanging over the edge. The water roared beneath him, and he began to feel uncomfortable. Maybe he should just go back and slit his throat with Suibian...
No, he wouldn't do that. That would draw too much attention, and it would be painful and not attractive. It had to be attractive...
A/N- Suicidal thoughts start here.
Just do it, just jump off already.
You don't have the confidence, do you?
You're just a coward. A disappointment to your clan and to the entire world.
Nobody will accept you, nobody will love you.
Nobody but death...
A/N- Suicidal thoughts end here.
Tortured by his thoughts, Wei Ying burst into sobs. He had had enough of this foolish life.
"I know that heaven won't take me," he sobbed, "so I pray that hell won't be too harsh. And I also pray that everyone I've wronged in life- Shije, Jiang Cheng, Hanguang-Jun... will forgive me."
With that, he jumped off.
The fall was fast, and painless. He didn't focus on anything, just the sound of the wind in his ears. When he hit the water, pain vibrated up his entire body, and he swallowed a mouthful of the cold liquid. He sunk and rose, over and over again, not fighting it.
Please... just give up already, body... he begged.
"Wei Ying!"
A man's voice screamed his name over the loud noise of the crashing water. He tried to look up, but his body was finally giving out. He sunk under the water for the last time, and closed his eyes.
Hello, death. I welcome you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Wei Ying! Wei Ying! Please... don't leave me!"
"Shixiong! Shixiong, open your eyes!"
"Please, brother... Shije needs you..."
The begging voices of his family members penetrated Wei Ying's clouded over consciousness. Why was he hearing them? Was this what hell was like, the voices of those you had lost to death endlessly calling out to you?
No... he still felt pain. A great amount of pain, in fact. If he felt pain he couldn't be dead. But how was he still alive? He had fallen, he had drowned. This had to be hell... feeling like you were alive but not being able to...
"Open your eyes!"
His eyes snapped open, and he saw the worried faces of Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng, his adopted siblings and Wen Qing, the doctor, looking over him.
But he had heard another voice...
"Lan Zhan," he croaked, his voice dry and weak. "Where is Lan Zhan? Don't tell me he tried to-"
"He didn't jump off after you, although he looked like he sincerely wanted to," Wen Qing said. Her tone was unusually soft and sweet today... or maybe it was just the great amount of pain that was making him woozy. "He was in here earlier, but when he saw you open your eyes, he ran away crying. It really affected him, you attempting suicide like that."
"It affected us all," Yanli said. She pushed her way to the front, and Wei Ying noticed that she had the tracks of recently shed tears underneath her pink-lidded eyes. She took his hand in hers and squeezed it tightly. When she felt the warmth of his skin, she began to sob.
Jiang Cheng, being the good brother that he was, said comforting things to Yanli and gave her a brief hug before looking down at Wei Ying, who looked so small and weak lying in the bed alone.
"Shixiong... I'm so sorry I couldn't realize that you were in pain," he said, sounding as if he was about to cry as well. "I should have known... I should have never let it get to this point."
Wei Ying reached up to touch his brother's face, stroking his cheek gently.
"I don't deserve your pity, brother. I don't even deserve life," he said sadly.
"Don't say that!" Jiang Cheng shouted, making Wei Ying scared. "You're loved by everyone in Cloud Recesses and out, and you're a very sweet young man. If anyone deserves life, it's you, my brother."
"I agree," Yanli said. She had stopped her crying, and now she had a determined expression on her face. "You're a good boy, A-Xian. Don't let anyone, especially yourself, tell you differently."
Footsteps were heard, and all of the people in the room- Wei Wuxian, Yanli, Jiang Cheng, and Wen Qing- looked straight at the doorway. Wen Qing smiled when she saw who was standing there, and she whispered something into Yanli's ear, who nodded and whispered it to Jiang Cheng, who also nodded. The three of them bowed to Wei Ying and left the room as one, revealing who was standing in the doorway.
"Lan Zhan! You're here," Wei Ying said, immediately smiling when he saw his husband standing in front of him.
The cultivator rushed to Wei Ying's bedside and began to stroke his body gently, from his head slowly down. He laughed and trembled at the familiar comforting feeling, but was disappointed when Lan Zhan stopped before going all the way.
"What's wrong? I can take it," he said.
He noticed that Lan Zhan's shoulders were shaking, and that he was crying.
"Why would you try to kill yourself?" he cried. "After all that I said to you, after every loving thing your family did, you still felt unwanted enough to warrant suicide?"
A/N- Mentions of suicide/suicidal thoughts start here.
"I'm sorry, Wangji," Wei Ying said, suddenly feeling very guilty. "It's just that-"
"Just that what?" Lan Zhan prompted.
"Every day, my brain tells me I shouldn't be here. Even the herbs Wen Qing gives me didn't help. When you love me, I feel guilty, as if I don't deserve it. Because I don't. I don't deserve you, Lan Wangji, the greatest cultivator of all time, the noble heir of the Lan Clan. I don't deserve you."
After saying his true feelings to his husband, Wei Ying felt weak once again. Just like he felt when he was standing on the waterfall about to jump off, and just like his thoughts in the waters, whirling like the waterfall itself, he felt as if everything had been stripped from him, like a painting that had lost all its color. He felt empty. And he felt worthless.
"Wei Ying... my Wei Ying... why do you think of yourself in such a way? You are the greatest cultivator ever, not me. I can prove it to you too, next time we fight demons together. And you deserve so much more than me. You deserve the world, my love. And do not doubt this either- when I say, 'my love,' it's not just as a joke, not just as a light endearment. I really mean it with all my heart. You are the love of my life, Wei Ying. Please, never leave me. Stay with me forever."
After hearing Lan Zhan's speech, Wei Ying felt like he would cry again. The emotions there were so true, so real, that he could genuinely believe them. He realized, after hearing the things Lan Zhan said, how much he was loved, how much he was appreciated, and how much better the world was with him in it.
"I swear that I will never leave you, my love. Thank you for making me realize how important I am. You are my one and only love, Lan Zhan. Have faith in me, that I will love you as strongly as I can."
"All my faith is already in you," Lan Zhan responded. "You're the only person I truly trust in this world."
The two men embraced, and both of them began to cry. The love that was overflowing in their hearts moved them, and motivated them. Both of them had an epiphany that one day. They had truly realized, in that moment, how much their lives mattered. And they would never forget that.
A/N- I actually feel moved by this chapter- I didn't intend to make such an emotional chapter, but my emotions flowed along with the sad music that I was listening to (sad music provides me with the motivation to write good sad chapters, that and my personal experience in some of the things I write about- like bullying, anxiety, etc.) and it resulted in this part. I don't know if this chapter is good or not, I personally like it, but I would appreciate your opinions. Did I portray Wei Ying's feelings well? I feel as if writing him is easier than writing Lan Zhan, just because Lan Zhan's emotional spectrum is so hard to get a hold on. Wei Ying, however, is more emotional. I actually enjoy writing for Wei Ying. Maybe I'll do it more... anyway, I hope you enjoyed these two the Untamed oneshots. See you soon!