It was still pitch black when she awoke. Her legs dangled over the side of the beige couch that was entirely too short for her. Astrid shivered under the single blanket she had taken to the shack, and the bone in her neck cracked once she tilted her head and sat up. Eyes half-opened, Astrid sat in the middle of the couch, a blanket secured tightly around her shoulders as she stared blankly at the bookcase in front of her.
After transfiguring a book into radio, and putting on some quiet hip hop music, she was finally able to get up. A piece of pie she had taken with her the previous dinner still stood untouched on the table by the windows. Deep shadows fell behind it, the room illuminated by nothing but a single ceiling candle, and Astrid contemplated whether she even wanted the thing. Whether she was hungry.
Lately, Astrid felt little of anything at all. That included a sense of appetite as well.
The clock on the floor by the couch told her it was still very early. Three hours before classes even started, but just like all the other days she had stayed there, Astrid knew she had to get back to school before everyone began waking up or else she would be caught. Often she had come close to it. Though even the threat of punishment didn't motivate her to get ready any quicker. The dark of the forest behind the curtain-less windows, behind the unlocked door - it still scared her, and against she wished she would have a secret room of her own in the castle, not outside of it.
After putting on her school uniform, Astrid went over it with an ironing spell she had picked up from Draco and made sure her clothes had no wrinkles or creases. Watching her reflection in the tiny handheld mirror, she tried to reflect the candlelight in a way that wouldn't blind her but would help her see her face and apply eyeliner easier. It was a challenge, but she managed.
Somehow, Astrid always managed. It was the people around her who didn't...
Again her eyes caught sight of the pie and with a slight roll of her eyes she thought, why not. Grabbing the plate and a fork she walked over toward the exit and set them on the arm of the couch by the door. Without a rush, Astrid pulled on her winter coat and slipped her feet into her boots, not tying them. She would have to change into her inside shoes in school anyway. Grabbing the plate and the fork again, she set her foot outside into the dark.
It was freezing. Fat snowflakes were slowly floating toward the ground and the cold crept through her open coat, under her large knitted scarf. It was literally a breath of fresh air, and Astrid inhaled deeply, before exhaling and watching her breath leave her mouth and disappear in thin air. With a sigh, she broke apart and ate a piece of the pie. It didn't seem to hold much flavour. Nothing did anymore.
The pines all around looked impossibly high, the school ahead just a wee speck on a hill. Mostly it was dark, though a few windows seemed to hold light. The world felt too grand. She - too little.
By the time Astrid reached one of the side entrances, the top of her head had been coated white. The pie was half-devoured and the cold was only making her continue eating it, in an attempt to occupy her mind with something else.
The hallways were silent and empty. Not a sound. Not a light. Not even the tiny scatter of a mouse or a bug. Nothing.
Astrid loved mornings.
With one hand she pried her coat open, with the other raised the plate up to her face to bite off a piece of the pie. The school was much warmer than the outside, or even her hut. As she chewed and walked, Astrid traced her hand alongside the wall, to find her broom closet in the dark. When she did, she stopped and placed the plate of food on the ground. In the closet, Astrid hid her coat and boots and pulled out a pair of shiny black platform shoes. Again she went over her clothes with an ironing spell. She ruffled her hair with her hands and stretched her back and neck, before closing the door and picking up her plate of pie again.
It was nearing 7 and soon people would begin waking up. She had to look perfect. Untouchable. Undisturbed. Taking another bite of her pie, Astrid concluded she should best make her way back to the Slytherin dungeon to wash her mouth and hands before she showed herself in public. As a piece of pie crumbled and fell somewhere on the ground, she concluded she should better do it fast before she got everything sticky and dirty as well.
Astrid rounded a corner, ready to descend down the stairs and into the Slytherin common room and dormitories when the sight of an opening door made her jump back. She was not fast enough. Though even if she had been, the sound of the plate slipping from her hands and shattering on the ground with a loud echo would've certainly given her away.
"Miss Kali!" James Bellwinch, a deatheater brought to the school for order and proper 'fosterage' purposes, called.
She didn't even bother to run. Astrid fell against the wall, feeling the cold stone over the fabric of her white blouse.
"You cannot be out here all alone before the wake-up time!"
Astrid didn't have an excuse.
Bellwinch eyed the pie splattered across the ground. He raised his eyes up to her again.
"Stealing from the kitchens, are we? From the Lord so selflessly providing for us. That calls for punishment!"
Astrid didn't object. Enough harm had been done by her disobeying.
"Yes, sir. I am deeply sorry for misbehaving. I promise it will never happen again."
"It better not," he scoffed. "Now get off the wall and on the ground by your stolen food." Astrid obeyed. "Take one of those broken shards and write THIEF on your left palm. Then scratch open the middle of every finger on your right hand. That's T-H-I-E-F. So you're fingers no longer itch to take what's not yours." Reluctantly, Astrid picked up the shard of glass. "And if I hear the tiniest of squeaks and anyone is notified, I'll give you a helping hand and then punish you double, got it?"
Astrid tried not to wince as the porcelain cut into her skin. A dribble of blood already ran down her wrist at the first line for the T. Though by the time she was writing the F, it was as if her hand had already gone numb. It didn't hurt as much anymore. Nothing could top the pain of loss. By the time she was scraping the fingers on her right hand, painting the piece of porcelain red with blood, she almost felt relieved. It almost felt good to concentrate her misery in one single spot.
Bellwinch didn't like to see her without a tear in her eyes. Frustrated he could not do more than that to the daughter of the Dark Lord, the man left before she had even finished. It was silly how even without him watching over her, Astrid didn't stop until she had carried out her punishment. Merlin knows, she deserved it.
But it was then when she was finally done and the piece of porcelain clattered to the ground, that the sudden rush of unease washed through her. It was still dark. It was still empty. Still quiet. Astrid was still all alone. The pie on the ground no longer looked too appetising and she felt suddenly useless, just like the pie had become. She watched her hands bleeding, barely able to close her palm or move her fingers, and tried to gently wipe the dark substance away to better see the word engraved on her hand.
When had Astrid Ninomae been a thief? Often she had used to sneak off for snacks, or for a broom to ride into the night sky. At first, she had stolen his candy for being mean, later she had stolen Draco's heart. She had stolen her friends' trust, robbing the life of one of them. Astrid had robbed herself of any dignity, or strength, or spirit. She had robbed herself of a will to live.
Who was she now if not an empty shell of a better person she had once been?
Abandoning the pie and the bloody shard of porcelain, Astrid stood and strolled over to the staircase. She pressed her hands against her blouse, trying to stop the bleeding so the blood wouldn't drip all over, staining the floors, giving away her route. Seven flights of stairs she climbed until finally, she reached the top. A few corridors, another set of stairs and Astrid felt the wind beating her hair as she looked over the horizon and the slowly rising dawn.
The Astronomy tower looked and felt as it always did in wintertime. Cold seeped under her clothes but she did not shiver. If anything it provided relief to her suddenly scorching palms. The black of the night was slowly transforming into a faint greenish orange; the sky was light enough for her to clearly see the front lines of the forest, the back of it still deep in shadow. A single line of smoke rose over the top of the trees and Astrid knew that must be the fireplace of her shack.
Welcoming the wind, Astrid stepped forward. One step after another she took them until she found herself climbing over the balustrade. Her hair raised in a whirlwind over her face and head, and Astrid closed her eyes, feeling the unsafe way her slippery hands gripped the handrail. The girl shivered for the first time that night when her eyes slid open and she caught sight of the faraway ground under her feet. There was no pond underneath her now. She was no longer just walking the ledge on the second floor of a house.
For the first time in a while, her heart began pounding in her chest. In it, she found peace. Standing there Astrid felt every bite of cold, heard every whistle of the wind, experienced every inch of pain in her hands, and sensed her wounds freezing and sticking to the balustrade. Would she fly? Or would she be stuck on this edge forever?
The first rays of sunshine, creeping over the horizon, shone straight into her eye, making her focus on the view ahead of her again. It was still snowing, she only noticed then - wet snow that melted soon after it met the ground. She could see the green grass, the brown and yellow of the leaves that hadn't been raked in time before the first big snow. Spring would come soon, flowers would bloom, the sun would be warm - life would be born anew.
You are on top of the world.
And she had all the chances to be. Watching the horizon, Astrid realized she could rule over those very grounds. She had been granted a rare chance of influence and leadership, born into her position. As they had learned in long, tedious history lessons, every great man or woman in history had gone through struggles, some worse, some of lesser extent. Alfred Nobel was abused in school and ill most of his life, yet he never lost his love for inventions and is forever praised. Ignaz Semmelweis had been sent to a mental asylum after his hard attempts to convince the medical system that lack of sanitation could spread bacteria and infection. Later, after another scientist backed his claims, the man was considered a genius. Elisa Thornwood had once been considered absolutely insane when she suggested witches should have the same educational options as wizards. After the murder of her best friend with which she had run the campaign of witch rights, she singlehandedly broadcasted the news of a murder that the wizards tried to conceal, and turned her cause into a successful national campaign.
Was misery truly the price of success? Of power? Was Astrid willing to bear it?
She stepped back over the balustrade and had to rip away the palms that had indeed stuck to the frozen surface. This time a single tear squeezed out of her eye at the sharp, burning pain. Her hands began bleeding again.
Stalking down to the Hospital Wing, Astrid wondered to herself if the pain would ever stop.
* * *
That was the very first Valentine's day when Daphne didn't see a single happy couple snog. She did see a few gifts being passed here and there, but even those did not induce too much joy. Blaise hadn't gotten her anything either and she couldn't quite figure if it made her upset. Let alone why.
The gift Draco gave Astoria must've been the flashiest one of them all. Clearly picked out by Narcissa, not so much by her son, both parties feigned joy to keep up what Daphne now clearly knew was a fake image. Her sister didn't yet know. Her innocent, little sunshine of a sister was being tricked, slowly softening up to the cold exterior of Draco Malfoy, thinking they were building something. Astoria had had a crush on the boy when she was younger. With years, she had grown out of it, growing to even resent the lad a little. Now she was opening her heart to try and learn to love. She was opening her heart to a lie.
Daphne didn't want to believe it when she first heard it. She wanted to think she had overheard, that it had been a trick of the wind, a trick of distance. But Daphne had also confronted Draco after a week of agonizing oblivion, and after she yelled at him, he had indeed confirmed it. That they had married on accident. That he was deceiving her sister. Though she had understood the cost of knowing, and she had grown to accept it as something that hadn't meant to happen.
After nearly a month, Daphne wasn't mad anymore. She was just disappointed Astrid had not told her. Because Daphne would've understood... Never did she actually judge people for their choices and doings, she tried to support everyone best she could, but no one ever came to her with anything. It appeared as if nobody trusted her. Nobody considered her a good enough friend.
Daphne was frustrated Astrid was no longer talking to her at all.
Again the girl had shown up for breakfast with fresh scars. This time it was a scratch on her cheek and a busted lip, instead of wounds on her hands. Yet even with all that, the girl looked confident as ever, striding into the Great Hall as if nothing at all was wrong.
She wanted to walk up to her and ask if everything was alright, ask what had happened. Every time she had tried in the past, she had been met with mean words and hurtful threats. And Daphne was tired. Really fucking tired. Of trying to make it all right again. Of encouraging people to talk to her, to tell her about stuff. Blaise had grown distant again, Astrid even more. Draco had grown nearly as irritable as Tracey. Theo barely ever showed up. Millicent snapped and barked every other day as she was getting into more and more fights with John, the Hufflepuff they had all believed she could one day marry. Pansy had never liked talking about herself, let alone her struggles. And Daphne... Daphne was just sick of trying.
If people did not trust her, she couldn't force them to. If they did not like her, she couldn't force that either. But that didn't mean it couldn't hurt. It stung like a knife driven through her gut, but there was nothing to help dissipate her loneliness.
Bentley's attention could not bring her joy. The golden necklace Adam had gotten her did no good either. Even sharing a kiss with Mike Hallminster did not help her feel any better at all.
It had happened in a rage of anger toward Astrid, toward the pain she would inflict on her oblivious sister. It wasn't much but with anger fogging her mind, Daphne had thought taking something that had once been hers would've helped to set them even. She flirted with the 6th year, commented on his hair, on his mind. It was in a quiet corner of a library that they kissed, books still laying open over the desk in front of them, the afternoon sun painting their skin golden.
Daphne had never felt filthier. Or guiltier. Or even angrier; though now not at Astrid anymore but rather at herself.
Boys, money, golden jewellery - none of it could truly make her happy anymore. Not when everyone who mattered had turned their backs on her.
"She's going to get herself killed," Pansy observed loudly, breaking the silence that had become usual by the Slytherin table.
Daphne's eyes trailed to Astrid, knowing instantly that was who Pansy was talking about. They were all out of it lately, but Pansy showcased her lost hope more than did anyone else. Often the girl devoted long glances their absent friend's way.
"Who cares," Tracey grumbled, forever frowning.
To everyone's surprise, it was Theo who thudded his fist against the table and spoke up. "I do." His voice was hoarse but genuine and they stared at him in slight disbelief that he was the one to go against Tracey. "I can't lose another friend."
Tracey scoffed. "Well, wasn't it for her we wouldn't have lost one in the first place."
Everyone at the table tensed. Even Daphne felt her blood beginning to boil. They all had agreed that, yes, the murder could've been the cause of Rosier helping Astrid, but the latter was not at fault. She was not the one responsible. It was the Merlindamnned system.
"Shut up, Tracey!" Pansy growled after a moment of consideration and Tracey whipped her head to look at her, one eyebrow raised.
"Am I wrong?"
"It's the consequence of her own actions that killed Rosier," Goyle crossed his arms, glancing at Draco as if to check if the boy would approve of his words. "It's her fault she chose to support The Order of the Fried Chicken or whatever."
Tracey was in his face and leaning over the table in seconds, keeping her voice low as to not alert the teacher's table.
"I hope you rot in hell, you fucking piece of shit," she glanced at the teacher's table before whispering. "Right along with the murderer and his pathetic daughter that you support."
Pansy gasped. "You did not!"
Daphne had leaned forward and was gripping the table before she could stop herself, her knuckles turning white. "Don't you dare speak of Astrid like that! She has gone through enough-"
"Yeah, and the Dark Lord was an abused orphan, do you feel sorry for him too?"
"Yes," Goyle declared, just as Daphne glared, whispering a firm "no."
Theo grabbed the front of Goyle's shirt from where they sat next to one another, looking ready to kill.
"That prick murdered my- Rosie, Goyle! Don't you fucking dare-"
"With the help of his precious darling daughter," Tracey was still petty.
"Tracey, you're going too fucking far," Pansy began, standing up. In the background, Crabbe was trying to pry Theo off Goyle. "Astrid never-"
"Tracey does have a point," Millicent cut in, making Tracey chuckle amused.
"What do you even know?" Daphne spoke before she could think better of it. "All you ever talk about is that stupid boyfriend you soon won't even have anymore. Makes me think now, perhaps it's what you deserve."
The very moment Millicent slammed her fork down on the table, Theo threw his first punch at Crabbe, before throwing another one at Goyle. Noticing, the teachers ordered them to calm down, but the situation had gotten far beyond repair.
"I am SO sick of you!" Millicent screeched, then pointed at all three girls glaring at her, including Tracey. "Your arrogant selves always try to bring me down-"
"You're no fucking better!" Pansy had stood up and was now flailing her arms around in the air. Even if technically addressing Millicent, she looked straight at Tracey. "Blaming a friend, just because you can't admit yourself you're a part of the problem!"
"I did nothing but support Rosier-" Tracey shot back.
"Maybe if you weren't so reckless!"
"Yes," Millicent added too, ganging up on Tracey. "I always told you two to be less wordy in a time like this, and look where that brought you!"
"Which side are you on, you fat cow?" Tracey was furious, but the nickname made Millicent so even more. She pursued her lips, her hands fisting at her sides.
"Neutrality doesn't work, you know," Pansy added before Millicent could take her anger out on Tracey, so she ended up being the one to experience the silver-haired girl's wrath.
"Then pick a side yourself, bitch," Tracey declared, infuriating Pansy just the same.
All at once, Pansy charged at Tracey, and Millicent at Pansy, all of them getting into a physical brawl very similar to the one the boys were having. Fuming where she stood, itching to hit something too, Daphne watched as Blaise lowered his head in his hands, rubbing over his short, pretty much non-existent hair.
When he raised his head, his voice rung even over the shouts of the two fighting parties.
"Everybody calm the fuck down!"
"Can't you see how shit everything is??" Daphne screeched at him, not letting his words resonate with her even if for a bit. "How can you be so calm? Show a bit of emotion for once and stop neglecting your own thoughts just because of some stupid abandonment issues that you have!"
"Maybe if you girls had any honesty and selflessness in you, he wouldn't feel the need to hide it all," Draco spoke up for the first time that morning.
"What the hell are you even talking about?" Daphne hated the blank glare with which Draco's grey eyes were piercing through hers.
The girls' fight had been broken apart by professors, and they were in the progress of breaking apart the lads. Though even if so, the girls felt no less angry or ready to start another fight. Daphne noticed students had gathered around their table. There were murmurs, some encouragements, some angered comments. Astrid, too, watched with cold eyes.
Overhearing the brooding argument, Pansy instantly shared a piece of her mind. "Maybe if you guys wouldn't always be such arrogant pricks, we wouldn't feel so threatened when speaking the truth."
"It's speaking the truth that killed Rosier, Draco!" Tracey jumped right in. "That and your evil girlfriend."
"I am married," Draco growled under his breath, clearly uncomfortable with the mention of Astrid.
Daphne couldn't help muttering under her breath. "Yeah, wonder to whom..."
"Keep your mouth shut!"
"Watch your tone!" ordered Blaise.
Tracey agreed with him. "Don't you dare tell her to shut up, you patronizing prick!"
Daphne doubted the girl had even heard what she had said. Goyle who had been pulled away from his fight, nose bleeding, went to stand next to Draco, thinking he would give the lad a favour.
"If only you girls knew how to keep your mouths shut," he said, "none of you would be threatened." He spoke the word as if the threat didn't even exist.
Leaning over the table, Daphne's palm made contact with the latter's cheek, staining her pink manicured nails with blood that had been running down his chin. Goyle grabbed her wrists to stop her, making her fall onto the table, flipping bowls on their side and even breaking a glass of pumpkin juice that had crashed to the ground. Instantly Blaise was pulling Goyles hand away, delivering a punch of his own while telling the lad to not dare touch her. Daphne watched Draco stand up, to push Goyle out of the fight's way.
"Now you show your emotion..." Draco scorned with an arrogant roll of his eyes. Eyes wide, they all watched as Blaise punched him too.
A sort of silence settled over the room. Even Pansy and Tracey, who had turned to a duel because of something they had disagreed on and what Daphne had not heard, stopped to stare in slight shock. No one noticed Draco pull out his wand. It was only when Blaise was blasted across the room that the commotion restarted. Goyle tried to mock somebody alongside Draco, but the latter blasted him across the room too. When Theo looked at him wrong, Draco sent the Bat-Bogey Hex at him. Hating the violence he was inflicting, Millicent unexpectedly sent a curse of her own flying Draco's way, sending him crashing against the wall, banging his head loudly.
Somewhere in the crowd Astrid Ninomae actually laughed. Just as Draco was getting up, groaning, the top of his shirt stained with blood, Tracey began charging in the general direction where she knew Astrid stood. The professors were shouting, kids were cheering, the crowd was parting for Tracey. Daphne felt somebody pull her back in an attempt to restrain her.
Good thing, in all honesty, she thought to herself. Was nobody holding her, she probably would've lashed out at someone just because she felt the need to.
The very second Tracey cast a curse flying Astrid's way, the latter ducked, just barely missing it. there was a slight surprise in her eyes as she pulled out her wand, ready to fight.
Tracey yelled, "Dare you laugh?!" sending another curse Astrid's way and this time the latter defected it with a simple wave of her hand.
Tracey tried again, but this time Astrid was prepared. She jumped out of the spells way and before the other could recollect her stance, had already straightened back out and held out her hand instead of her wand. To all of their great surprise, without ever saying a word, without using a wand, with the sole power of her brain, Astrid stopped Tracey in her path. The girl's wand fell from her hands and she clutched at her neck, struggling to breathe as her body slowly rose upward.
"Learning a little bit of respect would do you good," Astrid lifted her chin and did a small throwing motion with her hand, sending Tracey backwards and collapsing to the ground.
"Colloshoo," Astrid said with a wave of her wand. All of Tracey's limbs were glued to the ground as her chest heaved and she inhaled air in large gulps.
"You can't do that!" Daphne found herself protesting, trying to get away from the person holding her back to go and check on Tracey. Through her struggle, she noticed most of her housemates had been restrained too.
"I can do whatever the hell I want," Astrid shrugged.
The Headmaster came up behind her, about to grab and restrain her too, before she stepped back, raising her hands in a defensive manner, dropping her wand to the ground. The man overlooked her sceptically and Astrid feigned being harmless. It was only when he gave up and stepped past her and toward the middle of the main 'battleground', that Astrid smirked, snapping her fingers and setting aflame the shoulder of the man's cloak. Some of the students around laughed as Snape whipped around to glare at her, with a snap of his own fingers dispersing the fire. Innocently again, pouting, Astrid instantly held out both her hands for him to tie in invisible ropes.
Incredibly annoyed, he did. Astrid only smiled.
No one could miss the venomous glare Draco Malfoy, of all people, was sending Astrid's way, all the while holding the back of his bloody head. It almost looked he wished their positions would be reversed.
a/n this was a complicated chapter to write, but i think i did a pretty solid job. i actually feel pretty happy with myself today and that's the energy i want to keep bringing when writing this book. i don't usually listen to juice world, but his song on top felt perfect when writing this.
also, i'm not sure if you guys understood that from the last chapter but i feel it's important to mention - the things ash said, she doesn't actually think them. she only said them so draco would hate her and therefore stay away from her, because the reality has finally settled and she is terrified that something similar might happen to draco, especially since she has already been warned about him before. she just doesn't want any more of her friends to end up like rosie, so she decided to keep the far, far away from her.
yea
anyway, i hope you enjoyed. clearly, all my babies are on edge... but it was kinda fun.
don't forget to vote and leave a friendly comment :)
hugs,
your author