Hi! I know it's been another week! sorry"! But i am making it up to you with a chapter that's double the length or the last ones:))))
Happy reading loves.
"Are you a hundred percent sure you don't wanna come?" I ask again, feeling slightly awful.
"More than sure, go have fun."
"I wouldn't go- parties aren't that fun for me at the moment but Scarlett went to all the effort, and she's invited everyone to celebrate us both getting in and I just feel like it would be super rude not to show."
"Lottie, stop stressing."
"I just.. I feel bad?"
"I know you do." Rowan says down the phone to me. "Stop it."
"We had plans." I whisper, disgruntled.
Rowan wanted to hang out Friday, but we couldn't because my family found out about me possibly getting into this school and so they wanted to go out for dinner. Just me, mum, nan and grandad, dad and Rayne.
So I had to ask Roe if it was ok that we did something on Saturday instead.
But now it was Saturday and Scarlett had just sort of sprung on me this afternoon that she was throwing us a party. So I had to cancel on Rowan.
But honestly as I walk to her house, not a single part of me would prefer to be doing this right now than seeing him.
Perfect scenario would be just if he came here.
But Rowan wasn't a fan of that suggestion.
Scarlett had even invited Sutton. I know. I don't know how she got in contact with him, but she did.
Asked if he wanted to come.
He said no, the whole- house of minors- still a thing. But the amount of effort Scarlett was going to made me feel like I just had to go. And she invited all of my fellow theatre people, even some kids from other schools, ones I did theatre within town.
So I could not say no.
But still. I felt bad.
"And we can hang out another day."
"Tomorrow?" I ask quietly, walking up to Scarlett's house and I pause outside it, not wanted to go in right now.
"Maybe. You might need a day to recover tomorrow."
"This is true." I say, smiling a little. "I am not planning on drinking much though."
"Where are you staying?" He asks. "If you need a lift home, I can do it."
"You can do it?" I laugh. "You make it sound so robotic."
"I just mean if you need a lift home, let me know."
"It's ok." I say quietly. "I have stuff to stay, I am trying not to go home after drinking at the moment."
"Okay." He says. "Right, I am about to pick Sutton up. You can stay on the phone, just thought I'd let you know he might get in the car too."
I smile, looking round to Scar's house. "Yeah I should go too."
"Text me if you're bored." He says. Then he laughs. "You don't actually have to text me Lottie, I don't mean it obsessively."
I just smile a little. I look back around at the house and I honestly just feel dread. I don't know why.
"I feel like..." I sigh. "Something bad always happens at Scarlett's. Something bad or I get upset or- I just have a bad feeling. "
"Lottie." Rowan interrupts me.
I pause.
He stays silent for a moment.
Then he sighs.
"Please don't."
"Huh?"
"Don't put that in my head."
My whole body freezes a little, then my eyes shut because I realise, I am a fucking moron.
"I am sorry." I whisper. "I am being dramatic. I just feel bad about cancelling our plans."
"I know. But don't-." He pauses. "I'm sorry if you're genuinely worried, of course, tell me. But hell, it's not a good idea to just say that stuff to me."
"No I know. I messed up there. I will leave you be." I say. "I am sorry Rowan."
"Shush it's fine."
"Ah I feel terrible."
"Lottie." He laughs, sounding immediately cheered up and I don't even understand why. "Sutton is walking towards the car, you will have fun and I will get a lot of homework done, see perfect."
"You're doing homework?"
"Yep. Will be."
"Damn it."
"What?" Rowan laughs and I just sigh because I really need some help with a math sheet, but I feel like every time I see him I ask him for help and I don't want him to think I am only attracted to him for his brain.
Ha.
I smile a little.
This is weird.
"Lots." Rowan says into the silence. "Sutton really is close, we should say goodbye."
"Yeah okay. Goodbye."
"Good bye, I'll see you...?" He pauses and I hear Sutton get into the parked car, Rowan still on the phone and Sutton unaware that I am the one on the phone.
I don't think he has me on speaker, so his phone must be up to his ear.
"Soon?" I finish for him, starting to walk up to Scarlett's door and I knock on it.
"Yeah, see ya."
"Wait." I say quickly. "Did he get in the car?"
"Mhm." Rowan hums.
"Does he know you're on the phone to me?"
"Nope."
"Can't wait to see you." I say, my voice sweet, amused.
He breathes out a small, amused sound. "Yes."
I grin because the yes was awkward.
"You're not gonna say it back?"
"Nope."
Scarlett opens her door, smiling at me and when I look up, my phone to my ear and send her back a smile, she just opens the door wide and lets me in.
"I have this insufferable need to make you blush right now." I share and Scarlett gives me an odd look, just listening to my phone call.
"Well let's not do that." He says quietly.
"But it's hot."
"It isn't." Rowan mumbles.
"It is, watching you squirm is hot."
Scarlett screws her face up at me and I just send her a quick grin and walk in, heading to her kitchen where I can hear a few other people gathering.
I can hear Rowan let out a small laugh. Not sounding as uncomfortable as I wanted. "Goodbye you." He says, his voice warm and I know Sutton would have picked up on it.
"Bye plant boy, think of me." I say quietly into the phone, then hang up, spinning around to Scarlett.
She is stood behind me in her hallway, hands on hip.
I smile.
She shakes her head. "Who...?"
I flash a grin at her. "Secret." I answer and I know her enough to know she doesn't care that much anyway. So she'll drop it. "Who is here?"
"Was it Solana?" Scarlett asks.
I shake my head. "Nah, that's over with."
She rolls her eyes and nods towards the kitchen. "I can't keep up, come on, just Blaise and a few others are here already."
So I just turn around and make my way into the kitchen.
Can't keep up.
I roll my eyes to myself.
Nice little comment there.
Almost everyone turns to us when I walk in and I am slightly confused by the collection of males in the room, but okay I guess.
Blaise was sat at the side, drinking already and ignoring people, I think. Then there was Daniel and a few of his mates, the one that deals to Scar and Blaise.
I just give them a small hello and walk over to Blaise's side, Scar following.
"When are people getting here?" I ask. "Do I have time for a shower?"
Blaise looks up from the countertop for the first time and seems slightly surprised to see me.
I pull a face at him, his eyes are slightly sluggish, I look closer, frowning.
"You on something?" I ask.
Scarlett laughs, nudges me. "Don't be ball busty tonight with him, please?"
I look at her, then at him. I just nod.
"O-okay." I say. I just wanted to check he was ok. But as I look at Scar, who was looking at Blaise, I nod, she has him.
So I say. "So can I go for a shower?"
"Yes." Scar rushes. "Of course. You can use your usual room- Oh actually, if you don't wanna go in there because of everything you can just use mine."
I am immediately taken back by the connection that she missed last time I was here.
I smile at her. "Thank you, I'll be down in a little bit."
"I'll come up, I need to finish my hair."
And so we go upstairs, neither of us really talking to each other much as we head into her room and I let myself into her bathroom and just start to undress.
The shower wasn't necessary, but it makes my hair nicer, like I needed to wash it. So to kill some time, I thought I'd just do it here.
If I go downstairs right now, like if I was to join them preeing I would just drink to fill time and honestly I think I might have one drink and keep it all night.
I want to enjoy myself, but I don't want the whole out of control thing.
So yeah.
That is what I am thinking.
Having now washed my hair, I step out of Scarlett's shower, and I wrap my towel around me, drying my hair off a little with another small towel and I walk back into her room.
She is still sat at her dresser, straightening her hair.
I hold onto my towel and collapse back on her bed.
"How you feeling now?" I ask. "Blaise said you were sick and then I didn't see you for the remainder of the week."
She shrugs. "I felt like shit the first couple of days and then I just asked mum if I could stay off the others, she didn't pay enough attention to know whether I was truly sick or not so she just said yes."
"Oh." I say. "So you're ok now?"
"Mhm." She says and I can hear them start to put on some music downstairs.
"What's Blaise on?"
"Nothing, he was just asleep before everyone came so when you got here, I finally got him to go downstairs so that's why he looked out of it."
I nod.
I shouldn't stir.
Of course I shouldn't. But I just wanted to know what she thought.
"You two are good right now, right?"
She turns on her chair, facing me. Her straighteners in her hands.
"Yes. Why?"
I am laid across her bed just in my towel, my back flat against her bed and my head turned to look at her. I shrug. "I just don't know what's going on anymore."
"You told me to stop talking to you about it." She reminds. "I am not being secretive, I just know it started to annoy you so..."
"It just annoyed me that you put up with the crap he did and said to you."
She frowns. "We're fine now though, so let's not bring up the past?"
I sit up. "No, no I wasn't trying to. I was more just asking if he was ok."
"What?" She frowns.
"Yea, he looked out of it."
"Since when do you care if he's ok or not?" She says.
I frown. "Since I have been trying to be less of an ass myself. Plus he's been better, like we've been working on this." I say. It hasn't been for her, at all. But I add. "For you." On the end.
She looks at me. Then shrugs. "He's fine."
I want to laugh, I stare at her.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, he's just moody, it's his personality." She laughs. "Moody Blaise is hot, he's fine."
I nod.
My teeth literally biting my tongue.
Because wow Scar.
I stand up, walking silently to my bag and I sift through it to find what I had planned on wearing.
"Are you getting dressed up tonight? Properly?" She asks.
I look up and cock my head, waiting for her to elaborate.
"I mean, how serious is whatever I overheard earlier. Whoever you were on the phone to?"
"Why?" I ask. Avoiding the question.
"Just because you know Reagan?"
I nod.
The guy she usually is found talking to at parties.
"He's interested."
I look at her. "In you? Yeah I noticed."
She rolls her eyes. "No in you. He found out you're pretty much single and was asking about you."
"Scarlett he was trying to find another excuse to talk to you. Trust me. He's not interested in me."
"Don't make my friendship with him weird, he's good to me."
I pull a face and stand up, my clothes in my hand. "I am not making anything weird Scar, just telling you that Blaise and I watched you two a couple of weeks ago. Believe me, he was enthralled the whole time you talked. Blaise was livid."
"He's just my friend." She says tensely and I give in.
"Ok, well I am just saying that he's not going to hit on me."
Unless he's trying to make her jealous.
That could make sense.
I sigh. Starting to get changed and she turns back around to do her hair.
"I was just asking if you'd be open to his advances. I was curious."
I shake my head. "Nah, I am not..."
"Not what? Single? You tell me nothing."
"Interested in hooking up with anyone tonight." I correct her.
I am single.
I think.
Like I mean, I know I don't want to do anything with anyone else. Not that I would be betraying someone...
Okay it would feel like that actually.
But I think that's just me having respect for Rowan, I don't think that means we're like heading into-
I don't know.
I have on a dress that I wear all the fucking time, honestly. And I start the usual layering but Scarlett shakes her head at me.
"It's hot. Don't put a top on over it, you'll sweat to death. A lot of people are invited."
I turn around so she can't see me pull a face.
I am in the mood where I should have a drink, to make myself looser, in the mood to party.
But I drastically do not want to drink.
"People from school?"
"Mostly. But others."
"Kay." I mumble.
I go and sit down on the floor beside her chair, plugging in her hair dryer and she nudges me.
"This was our dream, so long ago, before you got the soccer scholarship, to go to the same college. To live together. To do this together."
I look up at her.
It was our dream.
It was.
I smile a little. "I know."
"Have you decided then?"
I shake my head. "No, not even slightly."
"Okay." She nods. "If you need any help deciding, let me know."
I turn the hair dryer on and not much else is said between us as we get ready.
I just blow-dry my hair and she waits for me to finish before asking permission to join everyone back down stairs.
I nod and let her go, I finish getting ready on my own.
And I am thankful that I do, because I spend quite a lot of time getting myself in the right head space to go and be sociable.
So much so, that when I go downstairs and the music is already pretty loud and most of the soccer players are here and my friends from tea are being hit on and the boys are welcoming to me even though Nathan is not here, I feel myself cheer up considerably.
I even had them all sat around me, before the party started. Like old times.
"One shot up for grabs." I say, smiling at all of them sweetly. "How's a hot way to ask for consent? Example needed obviously."
"Just fucking ask." Blaise mumbles, he's sat in the circle, which wasn't my idea. Obviously.
He just joined.
Maybe he's used to me forcing him, I don't know.
I hand him a shot just for the positive comment.
But I want fun answers, educational answers so I keep the suggestions going.
"Just push her against a wall and you ask 'you wanna fuck' she'll either say yes or no and wholah, done." Some guys called Frankie says.
I frown, thinking there are slight issues with that.
"Nah mate, they might not feel comfortable to say no then." Blaise says and I don't mean to fucking grin but I obviously can't help my face as I pour him another celebratory shot.
I give Blaise another shot and he takes it easily.
I don't even have to say anything as Frankie replies, and they all start talking about it.
Like I have nine guys sat around talking about consent and honestly, I just start pouring them all shots because- should men be rewarded for the bare minimum? Absolutely not. But when men sometimes act like dogs, the use of positive reinforcement is necessary.
Hence the reward of alcohol.
We be training men here.
I step out the circle, grinning as I walk to Scarlett, she was just listening.
"See what we did." I say. "It only took four years but look at these seniors all getting the concept of consent."
She just shakes her head at me, slightly amused.
"Drink Lots. You're stone sober."
"No I am not." I laugh. I show her my glass. "I am drinking red bull. That's just as buzzing."
"That's probably worse for you." Scarlett laughs.
I shrug.
It's not.
But I am not arguing.
I look around and watch as the conversation goes on Infront of us, and a few minutes after I left, Blaise starts to look uncomfortable and looks around for Scarlett.
He spots us and walks over and just before he reaches us, Scarlett spots Reagan and his friends entering into the kitchen so she pushes herself off where we were leant against the side and she passes Blaise, touching his chest lightly then goes to greet more guests.
Blaise continues over to me.
"See look at me, I knew the answers all along."
I smile slightly, searching his face. "Knew you did, just gathered you were purposely trying to be an asshole."
He nods. "I did, I was. You brought it up so much."
He leans where Scar was and also slightly against me, the alcohol radiating from him and I frown, moving away so I was stood in front of him instead.
I look at him. "You're already drunk."
He smiles, sorta. "You've given me three shots in the past ten minutes. Not my fault."
I wince.
He looks up, eyes me. "I am gonna tell her."
My eyes widen and I step closer, shaking my head. "Blaise."
"You want me to." He frowns. "You told me I should."
"Yes you should. Of course you should." I whisper.
His eyes can hardly focus on me.
"Did you take something earlier?" I ask quietly.
"Just something to help me sleep."
I shake my head. "You shouldn't be drinking."
"Shut up." He mutters, rubbing his face. "Thought you were my friend now, why you-"
"Shush." I say gently as his voice raises, I was trying not to draw attention to us. "I am."
"I am going to tell her." He says again.
"Blaise, wait until tomorrow."
He shakes his head. "No I won't tell her tomorrow. Now."
"This isn't a good idea." I stress. I think. I don't know.
I lift my hand to touch his arm, getting his focus back on me.
"You can tell her now if you want..." I say. "But I am worried you'll regret it in the morning."
"Tell me what?" Scarlett asks, stepping up behind us and I don't know why I fucking reacted like she caught us doing something bad, but the quick arm drop and the stumble back did not help my case when I turned to see her eyes on me, fierce.
I immediately start to shake my head.
For obvious reasons.
"Nothing." Blaise says, which surprises me. I look at him.
He glances at me and he shakes his head.
Okay.
He doesn't wanna tell her right now.
"Just that he did take something earlier, but I told him he didn't need to tell you, that you probably won't care but if it did cause a fight he would regret telling you in the morning."
She stares at me.
Then she laughs slightly. "Lottie you understand that we've been friends for years right?"
My eyes are slightly wide as I nod my head.
"So I know that tone, that quick talk, I know when you lie."
I shake my head.
She looks at Blaise. "What is it?"
"Honestly Babe, nothing." He says, his hand rubbing his face. "What she said, I took sleeping tablets and now feel fucked up."
She steps close to him, lifting her hand to his face.
He lets her raise his chin, so their eyes were close.
"A good fucked up or a bad fucked up? You want water?" She asks.
"No I am good." He says, uncharacteristically quietly. "But I'll get some fresh air." Blaise nods towards the doors and she nods, stepping away so he can pass her.
Scarlett and I are stood just looking at each other now.
Her eyes so cold that I know she is mad, I know she's thinking something that probably isn't in my favour.
I look passed her and spot Ellie, she was just sat on the floor by a coffee table, sort of joining in with a game, but she looked like she needed company.
I look at Scarlett. "I am gonna go join Ellie."
She steps to the side, to let me go.
And so I start to start walking.
But just as I press past her, she grips my wrist and she lowers her head slightly to speak directly into my ear.
"I said no to yours. You better fucking show me the same courtesy."
I slowly turn my face to hers. "You said no to mine?"
She stares at me. "Your Nath was never very loyal. But I am. I am counting on you being loyal."
I pull my wrist out of her grip so fast and I just stare at her.
I then smile a little.
Ouchy, I guess.
She said that knowing full well that would hurt me.
He tried it on with her?
I shake my head at her. "Are you asking me if I am fucking your boyfriend?"
The people around us hush at that, my voice not quiet. Or shy.
She keeps her eyes locked on mine. "Just tell me if you are."
I step back then, shocked at the pure question in her voice.
I look at her, my eyes wide. She looks back at me, her eyes softening, and she pleads with me through them.
She is genuinely so afraid of the answer.
She genuinely thinks I would.
I just slowly shake my head at her, in disbelief. "Guess again."
Her eyes narrow.
"Of course I am not. Do you not know me at all?"
She walks away then, no apology on her lips, just a quick flash of embarrassment on her face and then she walks out to find Blaise.
I look around then, for a friend.
Just someone.
I look around and I see Daniel, the lovely dealer and I think, maybe I could do with a little hit.
I have done it once or twice.
It wouldn't be anything major.
My eyes get taken away from them in the corner doing lines by Poppy and Mason who walk past them and go towards outside, I think of following, but they're not... they're not my friends you know?
I look back at Ellie, who was still looking a little uncomfortable.
But all I wanted was to leave. I still wanted to go.
I just wanted to leave.
Nothing about being here was good for me right now.
I look around and see the bottles and bottles of alcohol.
I could just drown myself in that, I wouldn't have to ask anyone for a lift or anything.
I could just take a bottle and sneak of upstairs to be on my own.
I shake my head, getting my phone and pulling his messages up.
Because no Lottie.
Lottie: Hey, you still awake?
Rowan: It's not even ten, ofc I am awake
Lottie: How'd you feel about coming here again?
Rowan: You drunk?
Lottie: No, I just want you. I don't want to be around these people
Rowan: Are you sure you're not drunk?
Lottie: Can we have a sleepover?
I smile a little at the way I sent that without even really thinking.
I just want his company.
I want a hug.
But even if I can't have one, it's just being around him.
I don't want to be here. Because I don't feel like I have any friends here. Not really. Not if the standard of friendship is the type of friendship Rowan and Sutton have shown me.
Rowan: You sound drunk lol
Lottie: I promise you I am not
Rowan: I am sorry, I don't like parties. It's not a good place for me
Lottie: I know, you want to hang out?
Rowan: Please don't ask me to come again, because I will, and I don't think it's a good idea, especially if you've been drinking
Lottie: I genuinely haven't touched a sip of alcohol. I don't want you to come here, I want to leave, I want to hang out with you
Rowan: Are you ok? What's happened?
Lottie: Nothing, I am good. I just realised I shouldn't be here
Rowan: I can come and get you, but I will take you home, or to your brothers
I frown at that, my eyebrows furrowing because I just thought he'd want to hang out with me.
Lottie: Don't worry, I'll get Sutton
Rowan: No, on my way, get your stuff together
I guess it was presumptuous to assume he'd wanna see me.
But anyway, I head past everyone, ignoring any attempt being made to drag me into the conversation and I go upstairs to Scarlett's room, and I grab my bag.
I sit down on the bed.
Every conversation I had with Scarlett today was a struggle.
Every single one just ended up with us both slightly tense, disagreeing with each other.
I don't know what to do.
I can't believe she asked me if I was sleeping with Blaise.
The number of times I could have thought that about her and Nathan, but I always rationalised it by the faith in her that she would never, that he would never.
I am not really surprised to find out that he may have tried it on.
But I can't believe she used it, that knowledge she had, that she knew would hurt me, she used it in a way to purposely knock me down a notch.
I have watched her do that to other people.
But it's never been at me.
I frown.
I have watched her do that to other people.
Why the fuck did I ever just go along with it?
I am having a whole ass Scarlett crisis still when her bedroom door opens and I stand up in pure shock, then I sigh relieved when I see it was Blaise, stumbling into her room.
It's funny to feel relieved.
He is drunk, not quite ok, I step past him, opening the door up wider.
He looks at me, then just walks over to the bed and collapses down on it.
"I'd prefer her to think I fucked you, than what actually did- what I actually did."
I shush him. "Sleep."
He crawls more on the bed, and I just stare at the mess he is.
I will mention it to mum.
I know I shouldn't.
But I just- I will mention this to mum.
I turn and start to head down the stairs, my bag over my shoulder and my coat hanging on my arm as I walk down.
Scarlett meets me by the bottom of the stairs.
Her face is hard. "Where are you going?"
I shrug. "Somewhere else."
"With who?"
I shake my head at her. "I just don't wanna stay here so I am going, I am not causing a scene or anything. So just let me go."
She laughs at me, her voice sounding a little too chaotic to be totally sober, but she doesn't seem drunk.
I walk away, heading to the front door. Scarlett follows me as I pass people to walk out the front.
She follows me down the lawn, I glance down at my phone, Rowan wasn't here yet.
"You can't blame me, surely?" Scarlett says after me.
I cross my arms over myself, my back to her.
She laughs. "You two have always had the tension, the glares, the arguing. And then suddenly you give a shit about him? Suddenly you two are getting along? Doing stuff together? Without me?"
I turn around to her.
"That's fucking weird Lottie. He's my boyfriend."
I just keep quiet.
"You know something. Or you're fucking him. That's all my brain can come up."
I look at her and I hear a car pull up behind us and she glances at it.
She laughs at me. "Is it him?"
I turn around and see Rowan, his head down, not really looking at us yet just turning the car off.
And to my utter fucking surprise he starts to get out the car.
I look at her.
"Train track kid, really?" Scar says.
I swallow. "Careful Scarlett."
"Careful?" She laughs. "Or what? You'll hit me?"
I frown.
I wasn't even angry in the slightly.
"No. Or there will be no coming back from this." I say quietly. "I don't want that. Do you?"
Rowan walks up behind me, I can feel his slightly nervous energy already, but hell, my body relaxes so quickly when he lifts a hand to my waist from behind, pulling me gently back towards him.
"What's going on?" He whispers to me.
I just lean my back against his front, staring at Scarlett in slight exhaustion.
I wasn't tired.
I was tired of this, of her.
Her eyes are hot and she's just mad now, just annoyed and frustrated and I know that her defence mechanism is similar to mine, get nasty.
But as I stare at her, my defences down and hers up I wonder why we're still pretending to be close.
She looks at Rowan. "Careful kid, Lots here likes to-"
"Scarlett." I say, interrupting her. "Don't do this to us."
Me and her.
Not him.
He pulls me to start walking backwards, avoiding conflict being ingrained into him. So, his need to leave loud through his body language.
"Go then." She says. "Fuck off."
And so, I do.
But something had changed.
It was coming, I know it was.
But I guess I just didn't want it to happen.
Rowan grabs my hand, pulling me back towards his car and I just close my eyes in embarrassment as he opens the car door for me and sort of puts me in the car.
He still thinks I am drunk, doesn't he?
He probably thinks I am so chaotic.
So much trouble.
I wait as he walks around the car and gets in.
I don't say anything as I pull my seatbelt on, as I watch him do the same.
"Are you ok? Was that just another argument for you or like-"
I laugh a little, my chest was hurting.
No Rowan.
I understand the question.
He probably thinks I do this so often.
I guess I have since I've known him.
"I promise you, that I don't- I am not this argumentative, chaotic, mess of a girl I always seem to be."
He looks at me, then his eyes go back to the road as he pulls of. "I don't think-"
"I wouldn't blame you. But- this- yeah no-"
"Are you ok?"
I nod. "Yeah." I whisper. "Fine."
"You told me you didn't wanna go, I should have tried to convince you not to or something."
I laughed. "I would have got the ick at you trying to be controlling."
"Yeah, I know." Rowan laughs back, only slightly though, the laugher unnatural.
I look at him. "I am sorry." I whisper. "That you had to come and get me, again."
He smiles slightly. "Me picking you up from parties feels like a tradition now, don't worry."
I smile a little back.
"I just wanted to see you, I didn't need rescuing this time."
"You wanna go to Sutton's or to your brothers? I remembered you said you didn't wanna go home when you've been drinking."
"Rowan I didn't drink." I laugh. "Why won't you believe me?"
He shrugs. "Fine, you want me to take you home?"
"Ok." I whisper.
He turns down a road, heading towards my side of town.
I look at him. "Are you busy tonight then?"
He glances at me. "No just doing homework."
"Is that why you don't wanna hang out?"
"I-" Rowan looks at me. Frowns.
I frown back. "I am trying not to be needy or clingy, I promise. But my feelings are getting hurt, so like can you just make up an excuse? So I don't think it's because you don't like me. Or at least tell me it's that."
He furrows his eyebrows. "Just- I sort of set out in my head tonight that if you called for a lift, I would not let you convince me to take you to mine, home."
I pulled a face, turning in my seat. "What, why?"
"Because you would have been drinking, and the dynamic is different now. So I want you to know I am respectful. I want your parents to know you're safe with me, you know?"
I stare at his side profile, confused.
"You want my parents to think you're respectful?"
He nods. "I wouldn't want my kid staying at a guy's house that she hardly knows because he thought it was a good idea to let her stay when drunk."
"Er Roe, I know you. And I have stayed at yours drunk before. "
"Yeah before we were-"
"We were what?"
"More than friends." He says matter of factly. "I want you to know you're safe. That I understand consent. You know?"
I smile at the side of his face.
"Rowan, I didn't even drink."
He groans. "I know you say this, but I am confused. I am not convinced. Isn't the right thing to do just to take you home anyway?"
I laugh at him. "Pull over."
"What? No."
"Pull over. Now."
He glances at me, gives me a slightly concerned look and he pulls over to the side walk, and I get out before he can stop me.
"Lottie." He calls confused, following me in getting out of the car.
I go over to the curb, the pavement. I stand on the edge, and I walk along it.
He leans against his car, watching me.
I spin around on one foot, making eye contact with him as he watches me, his arms crossed.
I smile a little. "Look I can walk in a straight line."
He shakes his head slowly, amusement on his face.
He walks around to the hood of the car, leaning against it as he watches.
I walk towards him, my arms out, touching the tip of my nose with my finger and he cracks a smile.
"Breathalyse me." I say. "Promise it wouldn't show anything."
"Sadly, I don't have a breathalyser."
I send him a crooked smiled. "No? Are you sure?"
He lists his hand to me as I continue to walk on the curb towards him and I grin, jump of and catch his hand, happily letting him pull me towards him.
"If I kiss you Lottie and I taste alcohol you'll be in trouble."
I am suddenly slightly sad I was not lying.
I lean up, sliding my hands up his chest, around his neck and then into the back of his hair, feeling him between my fingers.
"Oh really?" I whisper. "I will?"
"Mhm." He hums, his eyes becoming slightly hooded as I let him feel my nails against the back of his head, my fingers toying with the back of his hair.
"What do you mean?"
His head ducks, but I pull back, gripping his hair to keep him from being able to kiss me.
His eyes open more and I watch him, the reaction I've been wanting from him literally becoming readable.
I smile a little. "Promise I haven't been drinking Roe, can we please just hang out?"
Rowan pulls against my hands again, trying to kiss me and I lean back, his hands holding my waist, so as my back arches away our middles get pressed against each other tighter.
He narrows his eyes at me.
I smile, just a little.
Rowan shakes his head. "Do you want me to kiss you or not Lottie. Tell me."
I smirk at the tone, the annoyance.
I shrug. "Up to you."
He's had enough now, I know he has, so I gently stroke my fingers over the back of his neck and he lifts a hand from my waist and I am shocked when his hand goes directly into my hair, grabbing me and pulling my head towards him.
I am also surprised by the heat between his lips as I reach up to meet his kiss mid way, there was no hesitance, there was no gradual build in desire.
There was just pure want between our lips tonight and I couldn't help but part my lips in surprise at the grip he had on me.
Hell Rowan.
I was completely pressed against him, my body weight on his as he leant back against the hood of the car, me stood sort of just between his parted knees.
I let my hands wander up through his hair again as his lips moved against mine quickly. His hands were still, so solidly still, probably out of fucking respect that it made me squirm against him.
His hand was tight on my waist, holding me to him, the other on the back of my head, weaved between my hair as he held my head.
My kisses drifted, I couldn't help it, I just wanted to be closer, desire overtaking me as I kissed the corner of his mouth, then his jaw, his head falling to the side as I kissed under his ear, his hand still holding my head as I let my tongue touch his skin for the first time.
Was I a freak for wanting to taste him?
He let out this quiet noise of approval that made me grin and to my fucking delight he turned us, him pulling my chin back so we could kiss and my ass was against his bonnet now.
I could sit, probably, wrap my legs around him.
But strategies fell out my head when as we kissed again he deepened it, and my body burned as we kissed properly, deeply, for the first time.
His hands somehow suddenly both in my hair, gripping harshly and I didn't fucking know my name or remember where I was as I slipped my hands down his sides, to his waist, pulling him in closer.
He paused.
We both paused. Our lips still connected, but he let out a small laugh.
"Fuck." He breathes and I immediately kiss him again.
Fuck indeed innocent Roe.
Like please?
He pulls his face away. He chuckles. "We're on the street."
I look around, shrug. "No one's here."
"Lottie." He says disapprovingly. "I didn't mean to-"
I lift my hands from his lowly half of his body and I set them between us, effectively making some space as I push and he stands up properly.
"So..." I say. "Taste any alcohol?"
He narrows his eyes. "I forgot about that."
I laughed, loudly and I pushed his chest away from mine, more. "Go away, I haven't drunk anything. Trust me. I trust you."
He chuckles, his eyes on mine and I just look down at him, wondering if he was at all turned on.
I mean his eyes said yeah, but I wanted to see.
He caught my chin, tilting my eyes back up.
"Hello?" He asks, slightly stressed.
I try to look again and he laughs, stepping up close to me, as if to hide it.
I grinned, looking between his eyes. "I wanna go back to yours, can we?"
He hums a little in agreement. "Everyone's out though."
He says it as a warning.
I pull a confused face at him. "Good?"
He laughs. "Lottie."
I smile, shrugging. "Can we just get back in the car, I am cold."
He nods. Pulling away from me properly and he helps me stand up and he again walks around the car to let me in, which makes me fucking grin out of amusement.
But I go with it, obviously.
We get back in the car and I rub my face, the chemistry with Rowan feels so- it feels like it grows stronger and more intense every day, the way it's building is driving me insane.
Rowan turns the car on and I sit back, putting my belt on.
Then I get distracted by the thoughts of him.
"Roe?" I ask. My hand lifting and I sort of just, I don't know, place my hand on his leg, his thigh, just feeling.
"Mm?"
"When you said innocent. Like you. How innocent?"
He lets out a breathless laugh. "Innocent enough to squirm under your hand on my thigh, trying to drive here."
I take it off immediately. Because cars are scary.
"So what does that mean?" I ask quietly.
He looks at me. "Why? Does it matter?"
"Matter?"
"Matter to you? If I haven't really done this shit before?"
I frown. "Matter to me how? Look at the road." I nod and he looks away.
"Like is it a turn off?"
I smile. "Nope."
"No?"
"I-" He sighs. "I've never..."
He cringes.
"Stop being awkward Roe, it's literally just me."
He seems to relax a little. He shrugs. "India and I never did anything when I was ok, because she wasn't ready. When I started to get sick was around the time she got more comfortable with me, but I didn't wanna be touched. So I would distract with doing other stuff."
"Like to her?" I ask.
He nods. "So I've done, all the bits, you know? Just not- "
"Did she touch you?" I ask.
He subtly shakes his head. "I wasn't- I would get stressed out by the sensory input, honestly. It's intense."
"It is." I say quietly, realising that as I fight myself trying to calm down a little when I am with him, he might also be fighting an instinct to pull away.
That he's been so fucking touchy lately, that I need to make sure he's the one comfortable. I nod to myself. I will be better at that.
"So why er-" I start and Rowan starts driving faster and I recognise that we're nearer his house now.
"So no one's touched you?" I ask.
"Not like that." He answers back truthfully.
"Do you want that?" I ask. "Like how do you feel about it now?"
"Intimidated." He sorts of blurts. Laughs. "I'm not a robot Lots, just new to this."
"So you were turned on earlier?" I ask.
He scoffs. "I don't know how you'd expect me not to get turned on earlier?"
"I just can't read that side of you very well yet." I smile. "I am learning."
"Learning?" He says.
"Mhm, how to- I want to give you all the experiences. I mean like I wanna teach you, you know?"
He laughs, like he chuckles loudly as he drives, turning into his road. "I don't need tutoring in this."
I smile back at him. "But that would be fun."
He shakes his head at me.
"I don't think that's necessary."
"Okay." I smile back, leaning my head against my seat. "Just saying, I am a good teacher."
"You are a bad enough student, don't know if I trust you-"
"I am good with my hands, aren't I?"
He splutters, like he stumbles on whatever words he was about to say.
I grin, watching his face as a slight blush raises to his cheeks. I lean across to touch the skin.
He doesn't flinch at my touch, or even startle.
Rowan goes to pull the car into the drive, but his mums and Alex's is already there so he reverses out and parks on the street.
"You said they weren't in." I whisper.
He looks at me. Nods. "They must have come back."
"Will they be up?"
He shakes his head. "Probably gone to bed early. We could stay down stairs, er, watch a movie."
I smile, looking directly at his lips.
"Uh uh."
He looks at me. "I am serious. You have hardly watched any of the movies that are my favourite. I feel like a little education is in order."
I nod. "Education yes. Tutoring maybe? I could teach you what usually goes down during movies?"
He looks at me, the car now off. He narrows his eyes. "Don't be a smart ass."
"Why? I feel like you sometimes forget I am smart."
Roe shakes his head. "There you are mistaken."
I drift my eyes down him again, I don't even mean to.
I was just looking at him.
Before I wasn't allowed to. You know? It would be weird. I would tell myself off. Now I feel like I am allowed to look.
Shy Roe has other ideas because he against lifts my chin back to look him in the eye.
His eyes are wide. "What are you even-"
I shrug. "I just want to see you."
"You can see me."
I smile. "Holistically." I correct.
"You are ridiculous."
"Ridiculously cute?" I offer.
Rowan rolls his eyes. "Mm, something like that."
I lean in, wondering if he'd let me and he does, he moves his grip on my chin to a gentle caress and he kisses me and I let myself sink into the changed tone between us right now.
How last week it was softer, just exploring feelings.
Now it was very much hi, I like you a lot, kiss me.
So his kiss was hotter, more desperate with a need that I was happy he was finally letting me see he felt.
I wasn't too sure he did.
But here it is, coming in a small certain moment of his hand in my hair, the hold.
The need was expressed in the slightly more serious nature to which our lips moved, the way I was literally crawling in my skin not to climb over and straddle him like other guys would have just automatically moved me into by now.
I pull back, knowing we're still in his car and I know there's a couch or a bed or whatever inside.
But there are no parents here.
So I ask. "Can I move?" I mumble, our faces close.
"Huh?" He whispers back.
"Can I come over?"
"Oh." Rowan breathes. He pulls back, fumbles slightly. Trying to sit right and I just watch him with amusement.
He lifts his eyes back to mine, slightly defeated and he opens his arms to say yes but his eyes have a question and I laugh, I don't mean to.
But he's fucking cute.
I lean my arm between his knees, and he tenses, but as I push his chair back slightly he relaxes, understanding and then I very easily manoeuvre over and staddle the boy who looks slightly alarmed by me.
I lean back, my ass pressed against his knees, literally putting a lot of space between us.
"Is this ok?" I ask.
He nods.
I smile, just amused at the quietness.
"Am I too heavy?" I ask.
Rowan shakes his head.
I slide myself forwards, closer to him. "Are you sure?"
He holds onto my waist.
Holding me still.
But then he nods and he pulls me closer, effectively rolling my hips over him and I raise an eyebrow because I am not quite sure he meant to do that.
He lets out a breath, a shocked one, which means he wasn't.
I had a dress on, from earlier, I felt very fucking exposed. But it wasn't- I felt so fucking safe with Rowan it was dangerous.
Like it was a dangerous safe.
A warm and comfortable safe.
A safe where we felt in our own bubble.
I did the movement again.
My hips rolling so my dress lifted up over my thighs and he had jeans on, I was sat directly over him and I couldn't help but want to do it again.
Fucking hell, the shocked grasp he had on my waist instead of the knowing smirk I was used to was filling me with deep rooted desire for the boy.
It was so unnecessary.
How I was feeling.
He pulled me again, closer so I bent my head and I pressed a kiss to his cheek.
Just because I like doing that. And I dipped my lips, lifting his chin so I could kiss his jaw and his neck.
And I couldn't help it, I continued to roll my hips, my hands tightening on his shoulders as I felt him under me, hardening in his jeans.
I did it again, starting a rhythm and I was shocked at the feeling, the way he picked his hips up slightly under mine.
His body taking over and helping him move the way it felt good for us both.
I kissed along his jaw, to his ear. "You feel good Rowan." I whisper gently into his ear, and he grabs a hold of me, tightly, stopping us from moving and he breathes shocked.
"You are fucking terrifying." He mutters out, his hand lifting to my face and he pulls my face to his.
He kisses me once, hard.
I move my hips again and he holds them still, shaking his head.
"Lots..." He grits. "You have me utterly at your mercy, what the fuck?"
I lean back, giving him a break from the pressure and I just look at him.
A little space between us as I try not to lean against the steering wheel.
I shrug. "Hormones? Attraction. Roe, you're probably very fucking pent up."
He splutters a laugh, pulling me close again but not really in the same vibe.
We were just close.
"Maybe so." He agrees.
I smile, looking at him. "You've done it yourself right?"
He rolls his eyes at me. "Yes."
I smile, amused. "I can't ever imagine you-"
"Me what?"
"I don't really know, in that mode?"
"You can't imagine me being sexual?" He chuckles. "Does that mean you're not attracted to me in that way?"
I roll my eyes. "I feel like you know the answer to that one."
He shrugs. "I mean it's pretty clear how I feel right now."
I wiggle.
Just for fun.
He holds me still, narrowing his eyes.
"Believe me Rowan, if you wanted to find out how I felt, it would be very obvious if you went searching for it."
He shakes his head at me and I just grin, leaning in to press another fucking kiss against his lips.
My legs were hurting.
A lot.
Like cramp is coming.
But it feels so good to just be in this little car bubble.
"Where do you do it?" I ask quietly.
"What?" Rowan mumbles against my lips.
I pull back. "You know what."
He crinkles his nose at me and I want him, like I know how much I want him, it's literally so-
Anyone else it would be so easy to start well- fucking- here and right now.
I feel my thighs clench at the thought, and he pauses, I think he could feel it.
He sort of just looks at me with wide eyes.
I wanna roll my hips over him again.
Fuck we could probably both get off just by grinding.
What the fuck is that?
Ha.
I focus back on him, he's looking at me.
"Shower?" I ask. "Bed?"
"Shower." He confirms. "Mornings."
I smile, at the whole teenage boy of it all.
He looks slightly mortified.
But then he raises an eyebrow.
"Do you?"
"Do I what?" I laugh.
"You know what?"
"Masturbate?" I stage whisper, my eyes widening on theme.
He laughs slightly, but he seems unimpressed by my teasing.
His hands are over my dress, on my waist, feeling behind my back.
He's just feeling me.
"Usually night time." I whisper. "Not every day if I don't feel like I wanna, but like after my meditation as I get into bed."
His eyes are fun to look at right now, gathering this information, I wonder if he's imagining it.
I lean close. "I wasn't lying when I said I was thinking about you at night."
His hands again tighten, pulling me more flush against him and I gasp a little.
I kneel up slightly, trying to give Rowan permission to lower his hands from my lower back to my ass but he doesn't seem to have the confidence so I just wait for him to do the move on his own.
"And I wasn't lying when I said you terrify me." He mutters.
I laugh then, looking at him concerned. "Are you good?"
He nods.
"Why do I terrify you?" I prompt.
"I don't want to give the impression that just because I haven't done stuff, that I don't wanna do it. I do want to do the stuff."
I laugh at the term 'the stuff'.
"But...?" I prompt.
He shakes his head. "No but."
I smile in and kiss him, and he pauses against my lips. "Ok, small but."
I laugh, sitting back. My thighs strain and I roll my eyes at myself, stamina lots, you're a soccer player.
"I am slightly worried, and mortified to admit that if you touch me..." He pauses. He smiles when he meets my eyes. Shrugs. "You have no idea how attractive you are to me. Like genuinely-"
I sit back, slightly confused.
"You were with the same guy for a long time..." He cringes. "I assume that you two were happy and comfortable doing- everything."
His face had fallen, his smile gone.
I laugh a little uncomfortably.
I am confused why he's bringing up Nathan.
"And I know your ventures with Solana were successful, you freaking told me."
I smile sheepishly.
I nod.
"So I am worried you'll be disappointed-"
I pull a face.
"Hear me out." He chuckles. "I am new and awkward, and if you touch me Lots, might just explode."
A slow interested grin rises to my face.
He shakes his head at me. "I don't know what I am doing here."
"We're sat in the car making out, moving our hips a little, we're taking it slow you don't have to worry about all these things right now."
He deadpans at me. "You felt how turned on I was a second ago, I do need to worry about this."
I look between his eyes. "Did you..?"
He pulls a face. "Of course not. But if we had carried on."
I grin, feeling slightly proud of myself.
"Rowan that's not- that's not an embarrassing thing. Fucking hell, I would have been impressed by myself, turned on at the fact I had made you feel that way."
His eyebrow quirks. "Turned on?"
I nod. "You don't understand how hot it is, like helping someone finish."
"I mean I do." He whispers. "Just didn't think girls found it hot too."
I nod. "We do, now hush your worrying? Who do you think I am? I am a respectable pure and innocent young lady."
His eyebrows raise.
I glare.
"This is too delicate for my ears."
"Oh of course." He mutters. "My mistake."
I grin, leaning in.
"But in my defence, you were the one to teach me about lesbian sex so..."
I cover his lips with my own, effecting muting him and he laughs between trying to kiss me back.
I press my chest into him, wondering whether I am allowed to start up the same type movement as before and then my knee twinges in pain and I take that as an indicator to give up being in the car.
I pull away. "I hurt; can we get out?"
He immediately looks concerned. "Yeah, what hurts?"
"Just my knee." I mumble as he opens his door up and I climb out, actually really fucking gracefully, I am impressed with myself. "I don't wanna stop kissing you Roe, but can we lie down or something, cos my legs burn?"
He laughs, following me out the car and he grabs my overnight bag.
"I never told you how nice you looked." He says quietly, locking the car door.
I watch him not even check it.
He locks it once and the walks to meet my hand, I don't point it out, obviously.
But I also haven't seen him count on his hands in a while.
I squeeze his hand as he threads it through mine, walking with me up his driveway. "I was distracted by the blonde looking like she wanted to rip you to shreds. But yeah, you look good."
I laugh. "Scarlett was so mad."
"Yeah you wanna talk about it all yet?"
I shake my head. "Not yet. I just like being with you."
"Okay then, so Avengers movies or the Lord of the Rings?"
I look at him unhappily. "That's the choice you're giving me?"
He nods. "Yep, you call me a nerd, I'll welcome you into the circle."
"I call you plant boy." I mutter to myself more than him.
He laughs. Hearing me. "Well, there are a lot of plants in lord of the rings, how about that one?"
"My attention will wholeheartedly be on you." I share.
"And most of mine will be on the movie." He grins back. "Come on you, let's get you into nerdy stuff."
He was so excited.
So I rolled my eyes and nodded.
Sure I guess Roe, I will watch this for you.
Hi according to Grammarly there are 143 mistakes in this chapter, sorry, oops. Lol! Hope you enjoyed anyway :)
How are we feeling about Blaise? About Scar? About Rowan and Lottie?