Warnings ⚠: Child Abuse, Rape, Violence, Religion, Drug Use, Alcohol Use, Use of Slurs, Homophobia, Bullying, Mention of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Actions, Gun Use
Josiah's P.O.V.
-Sunday, November 21st-
Damien has been making me go to a couple apartments that he decided was in his price range.
It's funny because I have made it clear so many times that I couldn't care less. But he wants me to care.
So, I'll pretend.
He seems pretty excited about this one. I need to pretend to hate it.
So he thinks I care.
I look around and put on my best thinking face.
"I hate it." I say, unable to see anything aside from blurs of colors.
"Why? It's not that bad."
Why? I don't know why! I can't see it!
"Because... It is... Um... White. The walls are too white." I say.
"They're gray actually. Light gray." He informs me. "And also the floor dips and that's alarming."
"The ground is going to cave in and we're all going to die."
"Good."
"DAMIEN." I glare at him.
"Right. Um. Damn. That would... suck."
"This apartment sucks. Let's go get my ice cream and go home." I say.
"We have one more to look at. Then you'll earn your ice cream."
"Wow. Thanks. I hate it," I mutter, "Why am I here?"
"Because," He says, taking my hand and leading me out of the open house, "I didn't want to be alone."
"Pierre could have came with you." I pout.
"He's at work. Besides, I'm not dating Pierre. I don't want to be with him."
"Um... Good? I guess. And he can skip work! He works for an awful person anyways. He should leave. He should get a job as...a butler for a nice person who isn't a bitch." I rant.
"Hey. Don't say that." He says quietly.
"Say what?" I ask, not softening my tone even though he did.
I don't know what the problem is here.
It's all true. He is a good person who shouldn't be working for such a piece of trash.
"Don't call her a bitch." Is all he says as he gets into the car.
Don't call her a bitch...?
I get in, too, immediately buckling up.
"What do I call her then?" I ask, confused.
"Don't call her anything...? She's still my mom. She's all I have left. Maybe..." He trails off. "Nevermind. It's dumb."
"Everything you say is dumb. Maybe what?"
"I like to imagine sometimes...that maybe one day, she'll forgive me." He says quietly.
"Forgive you for what? You didn't do anything wrong." I say.
As if he would believe me.
Parents have too strong of influences on their kids. No matter what anyone says, if it doesn't line up with the parents' teachings, they will never believe it.
"For being bisexual." He responds.
"Oh. That's not your fault, so she shouldn't need to forgive you. You mean accept. You want her to accept you. Unless you're going to..." I stop.
Unless he would be willing to leave me to be with a girl so he can have his mom back. If he acted like he only liked girls.
If I was the mistake here.
"What?! No! That's not what I meant!" He backtracks, "I guess I meant accept."
"Are you sure?" I ask.
As I said, everything he says is stupid.
He doesn't know what he's talking about.
"You backed out of it real quickly. I don't know if that is a cover up or if you meant what you said in the first place." I explain.
He sighs, "Josiah. I love you. And even if I broke up with you, that wouldn't stop me from possibly being with another boy. I just have to hope she accepts it one day. But as for the breaking up..." He takes one of my hands and holds it. "I'd never do that. I can't tell the rhino he's not officiating. He would be devastated."
"Why would he care? He can officiate anywhere for anyone."
"No. He's coming out of retirement for this wedding. Then he's going back. We're very lucky."
"Retirement? How old is he?"
"Four hundred and seven... And a half."
"...What? No! He would be dead; That's too old."
"He's all wise and powerful. He is time itself, this rhino."
"Ah. So, he's a figment of your imagination, then? Because that's highly impossible."
"No. He is all powerful. I pray to him every four hundred and seven and a half minutes."
"Damien. You need to see a psychiatrist." I tell him.
"I was kidding." He says.
"Me, too. Kind of."
Maybe he should go see a psychiatrist. But not because of this.
"Because of other things. Not because of the rhino." I smile.
"Everything is because of the rhino. The rhino is all."
"The rhino is a freak of nature. Four hundred and seven, and a half, you say? Wow."
"Chubby unicorn." Is all he says.
"I'm sorry... What?"
"The rhino. That's why he's all powerful. He's a descendent of a unicorn of course. He's just a chubby armored unicorn."
"Unicorns are horses...? What the hell?"
"I stand by my statement."
"I do not understand your statement even a little. Let's talk about something that makes sense. Go."
"Okay. So. Chocolate chunk cookies..." He starts.
"NO. I'm sick of fucking hearing about those damn cookies, Damien!" I whine.
"Wow. Okay, boomer. You pick something then."
"Let's talk about Taylor Swift!"
"The queen. If she runs in the next presidential election, I'm fudging the votes so she wins and can find a way to become queen."
"She can't run for president."
"Uh, have you seen some of our presidents? I'm pretty sure she fucking can." He laughs.
"No, she can't. She isn't old enough."
"Oh. That's why we're fudging the votes. And also the law."
"No," I sigh, "I don't think you are able to have a conversation today."
"It doesn't matter, cause we're at the next place anyway." He says, letting go of my hand and stopping the car.
"Aw, man. I was having so much fun. Let's get this over with quickly so I can have ice cream." I unbuckle and get out of the car.
Where's the house?
I want to take one look at it and say no again.
Let's see how long I can do this before he starts complaining.
"Hurry." I hold my hand out expectantly.
He takes it a moment later.
"Are you going to behave?" He asks me.
"No."
He stops. "There's four steps up into the apartment door in front of us." He tells me.
"That's a dealbreaker." I say, staring down at the supposed stairs.
"Come on. Please." He begs, "This one could have that...special thing."
"What special thing? I thought this was Damien picks every place within his price range and Josiah says no to all?"
"I don't know what it is yet. But I'll know it when I see it. I'll keep you posted." He says, going up the first step. He's still holding my hand. "Are you coming?"
I follow closely behind him, into the apartment.
"Go on. Describe it. Hurry so I can go get ice cream." I tell him again.
He talks to someone and then leads me into the apartment. "The walls are white." He says.
"DEALBREAKER." I state.
"Jesus fucking Christ... Do you have to yell?"
"Yes."
"And the windows are small." He says, walking away from me.
"Wow. Who made them like that? Despicable."
"An absolute tragedy." He says. "And why the actual FUCK is there CARPET IN THE KITCHEN?!"
"Now you're yelling!" I point out.
"It's dumb." He says quieter. "You would spill nuggets and ketchup on it and ruin it in three seconds."
"No, I wouldn't. You would spill your dirt juice."
"Rude. But also, true." He walks away from me and says, "Josiah Walker. Get a load of this!"
"Damien. Is this a...dealbreaker?" I ask, very quietly.
"It just might be. Not only is there carpet in the kitchen. There is carpet in the bathroom."
"It's a no slip bathroom." I say.
"It's a ruin your fucking floor bathroom," He mutters. "If we got this one, I'd have to tear it all out."
"No... I like carpet."
"...Excuse you?"
"I like carpet," I repeat, "I can feel it. It'd be nice."
"It's fine in a bedroom or living room. But not in the kitchen or bathroom. And the bathroom sink doesn't work." He calls out.
"Okay. Let's go get ice cream."
"I wanna look around more," He whines, "Who the hell made this ceiling?! It's very short. And I almost hit my head on all the door frames."
"You're a giraffe. I'm going to go to McDonald's and get oreo ice cream. Bye." I turn to find the door.
Where was the door...?
I walk straight forward until I find the wall with my hand.
"GOODBYE." I repeat.
"Bye."
"Where's the door?"
"I'll tell you in three minutes." He comes out of the bathroom and goes into the other room,
"WE NEED THIS ONE. IT HAS A WATER BED!"
I trail my hand along the wall.
Aha. A door.
"Damien! Where's the McDonald's? Are we really far away from the McDonald's?"
There is only one McDonald's.
"Which one?" He asks, coming out and then laughing, "That's the closet."
"I have a good sense of direction, Damien. Who the fuck do you think I am? I know what I'm doing. I've been like this for a million years and I would know if I went in the direction I came into this building. You're an ass. I'm going to McDonald's."
"Okay. Go in then."
"I need to know where the McDonald's is first. You know. The one that has the chairs and the tables." I say.
"So every McDonald's?" He laughs. "It's on Third Street."
"I don't know what the hell a Third Street is. I'm asking my phone." I pull my phone out of my pocket.
I select the directions...map...thingy.
"What's a Third Street?" I ask it after pressing the microphone button.
"Jesus. Just let me take you. I'm done."
"Okay. Hey. Let's rent a movie from the red box, too. We should have a party."
"We can do that. I think there's one at McDonald's."
"Let's go." I back away from the closet door and go to the front door instead and open it, "Come on. You won't let me walk down these stairs alone."
He takes my hand and leads me to the car. "Are you excited for ice cream?"
"No. Obviously not."
"I guess we'll just drive home then." He laughs.
"I want chicken nuggets and ice cream, actually. A lot. Now."
"Sounds good." He starts driving.
...
I got my oreo ice cream and my nuggets, and a movie.
It's officially a good day.
Pierre is still at work, and, according to what Damien said, he won't be home for at least another couple hours.
This movie is very entertaining. It's not a baby movie like a lot of them are, but it is animated. Bright colors are flashing all over the screen.
The main character is super cool.
I do not remember his name. But I'm pretty sure I'm in love.
"I'm leaving you for the main character guy." I inform Damien.
"That is very understandable." He says, shifting slightly and smiling.
"He is very cool. I don't know what he looks like and I do not remember his name, but none of that matters in a relationship, anyway. All that matters is that he is a really cool ninja." I say.
"He's the coolest ninja. Maybe someday I can be a cool ninja. Can that be my career path?"
"Maybe. Then you guys could fight for my affection."
I have decided I like ninjas.
"That's a brilliant idea. He would win of course, but I would try my best."
"There would be multiple competitions involved. It would be like the olympics. I would test your ninja skills and your boyfriend skills to make an educated decision. You would have a chance. Maybe."
He laughs. "I doubt it. This guy seems way cooler than me."
"He's more aloof, though. I'm not sure. It might be a tie. You might be stronger...?"
This is something I will have to contemplate for a while.
"I doubt it. I'm not that strong." He laughs.
"...Yes, you are. We've been over this. You can carry me. This guy just throws knives around and stuff."
"I mean, same. But yeah. You only weigh like 3 pounds so...not exactly a huge feat of strength."
"Same to what?"
"The knives? I did training, like, twice a week." He shrugs.
"Oh," I murmur... "You're a ninja." I look at him with wide eyes.
He chuckles and ruffles my hair. "Whatever you say, Josiah."
I quickly take his face between my hands. "How dare you not inform me of the fact that you're a ninja? Wow. Just wow." I squish his face a bit.
I hope that bothers him, because that makes it funnier.
"I'm not a ninja!" He protests.
I move closer to look him in the eyes. "Your eyes tell me you are lying. I have discovered your secret, Damien Cohen."
"Is that so?" He plays along all the sudden.
"Yeah. And if you ever dare to betray me, I'll tell everyone. Everybody will know. The world will learn of your ninja ways." I warn.
"I guess I have no choice then to...try to persuade you."
"I have an idea." I decide.
"What's that?" He asks, leaning his head against my hands.
I pull him a bit closer and softly kiss his lips.
"I want to be a ninja, too. So you have to train me. In knife throwing."
"I don't think that's a good idea." He says, kissing me again.
Okay...
"You never like my ideas," I laugh, "I have another idea. Do you even want to hear it or are you going to be an ass?"
"I'll listen. Who knows? Maybe it's a good idea, for once."
"Jeez. You're mean. My idea is more kisses."
"That's the best thing you've ever suggested."
"All of my suggestions are good." I correct before kissing him again.
I run my fingers back into his hair instead, pressing him a bit closer.
He makes no move to get away.
Not that I would expect him to, but...
I don't know.
It's super complicated, and instead of getting easier, I feel like it's just getting even more complicated.
Because I like kissing him. And being close to him.
He makes me feel better, but all those things haven't ever been nice before.
I'm not entirely sure what to do.
I pull away after a minute.
"...I think you just won the ninja olympics." I say.
"It feels like I won. Suck it, hero guy. I don't remember his name."
I smile a bit, but quickly get rid of it so I can kiss him again.
He hesitantly moves closer.
I can't even imagine how much pressure all of this puts on him. The fact that I just randomly snap and decide that we need to stop. I know already that it's going to be a major problem in the future.
It doesn't feel like one right now.
Everything just feels nice.
I lean against the back of the couch, continuing to kiss him.
A minute or two passes, and my brain catches up with what I'm doing.
I can't act like I don't know what this leads to.
I can't be that stupid.
"Damien." I press a hand against his chest to make him back off a bit.
He pulls away immediately this time. "Sorry."
"Don't be. I'm fine. I just think we need to go back to cuddling because I'm starting to feel suffocated."
"Of course," He says, sitting back, "Whatever you want."
"I don't want to make you mad at me...or feel bad for going too far. I'm sorry." I quickly add.
"Hey. I like cuddling, too. Really. I'd much rather you tell me before you start freaking out. That was...really nice." He says, putting an arm around me.
I pull my sleeves over my hands.
It was nice.
And it wasn't ruined with feeling suffocated and panicking.
This might be the solution...?
Until he gets mad about it.
"Thanks. I think I did a good job." I manage a chuckle.
"Perfect job. Ten outta ten. Would kiss again."
My face heats up a bit so I hide against his shoulder.
"Okay. Let's just watch the rest of the movie." I change the subject quickly.
I wait until I've calmed down before backing off.
"I have made another decision. I have a good suggestion this time, too." I tell him.
"I'm listening."
"You have to be little spoon." I state.
"What?"
"For cuddling. We're trying new things and I want to give you hugs!"
"...Fuck yes. I love being little spoon!"
"Come here, then!" I open my arms for him dramatically, holding back giggles.
He hugs me just as dramatically, nuzzling his head into my shoulder. "I will be the best little spoon you've ever seen."
"I have never seen a little spoon and I can not see you now, but okay." I hug him tighter.
"Well, then. It should be easy." He yawns, "You're a good big spoon. I feel very safe. Maybe you're the ninja."
"Ninjas don't cuddle. They only fight." I muster up the most serious voice I have.
"Everyone cuddles."
"Not true. I have never once cuddled until I met you. People who don't meet their cuddle buddy cannot cuddle."
"Cuddle buddy. That's fucking adorable as shit!"
"Why? That's what they're called... Right?"
"If it wasn't, it is now." He says, relaxing against me.
We cuddle in silence for a while.
I pay attention to the movie, but having missed around ten minutes of it, I'm a bit lost.
I can't remember hardly anything that's happened so far.
...Damien is being awfully quiet.
"...Damien?" I ask.
Nothing.
Oh. Goddammit.
"Are you sleeping?"
...I guess so.
Well. Maybe we should just watch this movie later.
I shift a bit, laying back, keeping him close.
This...big spoon...thing... It's interesting.
It gets rid of the whole feeling safe thing in some ways, but having him so close and just holding him is nice.
I just wish I felt like he was secure in my arms. I wonder if he felt like he was...? I'll have to ask him for his opinions. Once he wakes up.
I shut my eyes, but quickly find that I can't sleep.
Fantastic.
I'm stuck and I cannot sleep.
...
Ninety-two days pass and I am practically alone.
I have no food, no water, and I have been trapped in this place, unable to move this whole time.
It's a wonder how I am still alive.
My arms and legs are numb because a giraffe has decided that I am a pillow.
Not a pillow...
A bed.
This eternal struggle... It's so scary.
I don't think I'll make it out alive.
It's only a matter of time.
The door opens.
I guess that matter of time was approximately six seconds.
"Who's here?" I ask, to be sure that this is a good guy and not a bad guy.
"It's Pierre," Presumably Pierre says... One can never be too certain, "Don't move. I'm taking a picture."
"I can't move," I inform him, "Don't take pictures of me."
"Good. I've never seen Damien look that happy. Not since he was six and I got him a dog stuffed animal. He wanted a real dog, but his parents said no. So I got him that you and he named it Brownie and I think he still slept with it until he left. But you didn't hear it from me."
"Who's Damien? I do not know a Damien. I only know this giant sleeping giraffe. Is that his name?"
"Just wake him up if he's squishing you."
"I can't wake him up! He's the happiest he has ever been since he met Brownie." I state.
"Damien. You're squishing your boyfriend." He says, poking him in the face.
I whine, "Don't awaken the beast!"
"Damien. Get up."
He stirs slightly. "Go away, old man."
"Yeah. Don't disrupt my game, old man." I mutter, squeezing Damien in my arms.
"Yeah! What he said." Damien mutters, cuddling closer.
Oh. I can't breathe.
It's worth it for the game.
Pierre sighs. "Damien."
"What?" He says.
"You're squishing him. In case you forgot again, you're six foot four and very big. Get up."
Damien groans, "Josiah doesn't care. Do you?"
I squeeze him again. "I can't breathe, but it's okay because I've never been cuddled like this and it's very nice and I feel very safe even though I might pass out at any moment."
Damien sits up quickly and hits his head into the lamp beside the table. "Ow."
Pierre laughs at him.
I stare up at the ceiling, deciding not to bother asking if he is okay if he is just going to leave me and ruin my game like that.
It's been ninety-two days.
I have already made a diary page today, but there has been a change.
The giraffe has moved and I can breathe now.
But I feel...lonely.
I don't know what to do without him.
He attempted to kill me and held me captive for the past three months, but... I think I love him?
Could it be Stockholm Syndrome? Perhaps.
Still, I wish for nothing more than to go back to holding the giraffe in my arms.
I have fallen into a state of depression and there is no way out.
Despite my physical ability to move, I do not feel like it is possible. I am not capable of moving ever again.
Not without him.
Not without the giraffe.
"I'm going to bed." Damien says, getting up off of the couch.
I cannot bring myself to look at him.
"It's 9:15." Pierre comments, "I'm old as hell and I don't go to bed until 10:00."
"Did I stutter?" He laughs, "Are you coming, Josiah?"
I continue to stare at the ceiling.
What would be the point?
"The giraffe has abandoned me." I state.
"No. The giraffe is just moving the herd to a better Savannah. Let's go." He says sleepily.
I remain unmoving.
"Now that the beast has been awakened, I am alone. I have realized how much this giraffe beast means to me after spending three months in his clutches. Goddammit, giraffe... You have destroyed me."
Suddenly Damien picks me up. "Night, Pierre."
"PUT ME DOWN, BEAST!" I yell.
"You're mine now." He chuckles, carrying me back to our room.
"Okay. No, seriously. Stop. And don't put me on the bed." I warn.
"Yes, sir." He says sitting me down gently on the floor.
I clear my throat and put on my narrator voice again, "After three months under the control of the beast, I must now use the bathroom. But, first, I must ask, which direction am I facing? Where is this...bathroom?" I look up at Damien.
"You are facing the door to leave." He informs me. He steps out of my way and I hear him flop onto the bed.
I learned a lot today.
Specifically that...imagination... It's something that is very useful during stressful times.
I learned how to utilize imagination, and that I was capable of it in the first place.
I will save this information for the future, but for now...
I must use the bathroom and go to bed.
End