oops im so sorry, feel like this is the longest ive made you wait for a update...
do you still love me????
Chapter something idk the number.
Lottie's POV.
"Hey, do you know where Scarlett is?" I ask Blaise, ducking under the bleachers to join him.
He was sat in the far corner, on his own, picking at some crappy take out cafeteria food.
He looks up at me, gives me a look that says go the fuck away and I pause.
"You good?" I ask slightly awkwardly.
His eyes harden and I know whatever he's about to say is going to be some sort of defensive shit.
"You're such a shit friend, you know that right?"
I shrug, walking over and sitting down with him. "You may think so, I don't know if I personally agree."
"Fuck off Lottie."
I smile. "So who am I a bad friend to? You?"
"We're not friends."
I shrug, again, nonchalant. "I feel like we're almost friends."
He glares. "Scarlett is sick."
I frown, I hadn't seen her all day, but I gathered that was just because we were in different classes. "How bad? What's up with her?"
He chuckles. "You didn't even know."
I deadpan. "Blaise, stop this. I haven't talked to her much this weekend, she didn't mention it yesterday."
He just glowers at me.
"How is she?" I ask, harder.
"She's fine. A cold, nothing more."
I roll my eyes at him. "Why the dramatics then?"
"Because I just find it funny you don't know."
"What's wrong then?" I ask. "Why you trying to pick a fight?"
I get my own food out, deciding I am obviously staying here.
It's funny. Never would I have thought I would voluntarily be spending a lunch break with Blaise.
It was sunny today, spring pretty much happily here and bright in our faces. It was still cold, or well, there was a chill in the air that encouraged the use of sweaters and jumpers, but it was so nice to actually have the sun out.
I smiled a little to myself, just at being able to sit outside again.
I look at Blaise who was looking, coldly still, down at his phone.
He had ignored me.
"Hey." I say.
His eyes flick up.
"Tell me." I try to assert.
He looks back down and ignores me, so I sigh and grab my own phone. Replying to messages.
Rowan and I had been texting a little.
It's so- it feels young, I have nothing to say to him, but I just want his attention. It's silly.
I read Solana's message, asking where I was, and I tell her. I wanted to know what she wanted so, easily accepted when she asked if she could come and find us.
I look at Blaise. "Is there anything I can do?"
He shakes his head. Not looking up this time. So I nod and I carry on eating in the shared silence.
Until he talks, which I was hoping for.
"I am supposed to have therapy later."
I look at him surprised. "You found someone?"
He nods.
I smile slightly. "That's good."
He slowly shakes his head. "I think I fucked up."
"What do you-"
"The girl." He interrupts. "Messaged me."
"What on earth?"
He laughs. He isn't amused in the slightest.
"She asked whether any of us are throwing a party this weekend, apparently her and her friends need a motive."
I stare at him. "You replied?" I ask.
He chuckles. Looks up to meet my eyes. "I didn't know who it was. I literally replied something like who the fuck is this, and she said it was her, the girl I hocked up with in the summer."
My eyes widen. "The balls she has-"
"No. She- she thinks we hooked up."
I frown.
He closes his eyes. "I must have blown this shit out of proportion."
I shake my head immediately.
"Lottie, she- she just thinks we hooked up. Fucking hell, I didn't know who it was, I don't hardly remember- really. But she just- she's been on my socials all this time."
He is shaking.
Like I am watching him shake.
"Blaise..." I whisper in sympathy.
He stares at me, confused.
I stare back. "You haven't blown this anywhere; you are allowed to feel this way."
"Fuck, everyone knows."
I frown.
"I mean, you know and your mother knows and now this doctor and my parents and fucking hell, what if- what if-" He trails off. "She didn't pin me down Lottie, she's tiny, I probably could have knocked her off if I wanted to."
"Blaise no. You were too drunk. You have said this."
He laughs again and rubs his face in clear distress. "I feel so sick."
"When was this?" I ask.
"The summer." He says quietly. "Before school."
I shake my head. "No, the messages."
"Oh." He sighs. "Last night."
"You should tell someone, about them."
He shakes his head. "No, that's so pathetic."
I frown. "No, you're seeing someone tonight. You should tell them, unpack this with a professional."
Because I don't know what to say, I don't know if I am saying the right thing.
He shakes his head. He looks up. "This is going to blow up."
"What?"
"The whole thing. It's going to destroy everything."
"No, it won't." I whisper.
"She knows I have a girlfriend, Lottie." He says. "She messaged me, asking for an invite to a party. Other people saw us, apparently, there are rumours. If Scarlett, fuck, what if she bumps into Scar and just tells her?"
I shake my head. "It happened in the summer, if it hasn't come out yet, it won't."
He laughs. "You can't be sure of that."
I know I can't be. But what else can I say?
"Do we know her?" I ask. "This school?"
He shakes his head. "I don't know her, but her profile alludes to the fact she lives here."
I frown. "You went through her profile?"
He nods.
"What should I do about the message?"
"What?"
"The one where she laughs and tells me who she is."
"Block her."
He shakes his head. "I can't rock the boat."
"For your peace of mind, block her Blaise."
"I- but what if she messages someone else?"
"She won't."
He shakes his head. "I-"
"Would you like me to block her?"
He narrows his eyes. "You just want to fucking nose."
I don't.
At all.
I won't know her, hell I didn't even notice Rowan before and it's Rowan, I wouldn't have noticed some random girl.
He glowers at me and we both sort of startle when Solana enters in through the little gap to the side.
"Woah, cool hiding spot." She says, ducking under and walking towards up.
Blaise sighs.
He doesn't tell her to fuck off, like I almost expected. Instead, he just lets out a sound of annoyance but tosses his phone over to me.
And so I take the unlocked phone and I go to his socials, finding the recently searched girl and I block her.
"Hey." Solana says, sitting down.
"Hi." I mumble a little distracted.
She doesn't greet Blaise, I think she may have smiled at him, but I just focus on this for a second.
"What ya doing?" She asks.
"Just searching something, I have no internet." The lie was quick, easy. I look up at Blaise, nodding once to tell him it's done, and I slide the phone back over to him.
I finally look at Solana. "You look nice." I say, sort of automatically.
She gives me a smile, it's quick, a little chaotic.
She did look pretty; it just fell out my mouth.
"Guess what?" She asks.
I nod, promoting.
"I got in. Ok, well not in, but I got an offer, I got accepted."
"Oh my god, that's great." I reply, meaning it wholeheartedly.
But my stomach tightens in sudden memory of the email Mr Mortley got during Maths today. It was from Mrs Brown, telling me to go to her office at the end of lunch.
She's going to have the yes or no.
Surely if it was positive, she would have told me by now.
It's fine.
Eat.
I take a mouthful as Blaise frowns at me, probably at my sudden quietness when I most definitely should be telling her Well done more.
He asks her where she got accepted and she gushes onwards.
I smile thankfully at him, for actually being nice.
She lies down then, in my lap, like she lies done on the cold tarmac and she rests her head on my knee as she talks to Blaise.
I stare down at her, shocked.
"Hi?" I laugh when her eyes flick up to mine.
She smiles up at me. "I did something stupid."
"Oh no." I say.
"I replied to her."
I deadpan down at Solana, who is probably enjoying all my double chins. "Huh?"
"She's coming over this weekend."
Her ex, who she pretty recently broke up with.
"Solana."
She laughs, stressing. Like she breathes out in stress.
"I don't want her to, it just seems to be happening."
"Then cancel." I say.
"I don't want to."
I am confused. I just shake my head down at her and she sends me a sheepish smile.
"I am confused. Honestly." Blaise says, pulling our attention to him. He looks at me. "Distract me. I thought you two were seeing eachother? "
I frown, immediately. My walls toward Blaise knowing any of my business standing high.
I shake my head at him.
He rolls his eyes. "You know more about me than literally anyone else. Talk."
I scrunch my nose up at him and look down at Solana and she breaks before I do.
"Lottie decided she was more into a boy than me."
I huff and I wiggle out from underneath her, making her sit back up.
"No I didn't, I mean ok, well, I-" I sigh. "You told me I did."
She laughs. Shaking her head at me. "How's that going?"
"Glasses?" Blaise asks.
"His name isn't glasses, oh my days, he doesn't even have glasses."
Blaise makes a sound of amusement.
I huff.
Solana looks at my face. "Has anything happened there? I will be slightly disappointed in you if it hasn't. I thought you were brave."
"Nothing's happened, stop."
"She's lying." Blaise idiotically adds.
They exchange a look.
I glare outwardly.
"It's private." I finally say, their looks of interest fucking peaking. "Like stop."
"Are you embarrassed?" Blaise asks, still interested.
I glower. "Of course not. He's great. Just wants to keep it quiet."
"Keep what quiet?" Solana pokes and I groan, laughing a little.
"Shush, please."
"Fine, fine." She laughs, getting herself out some food.
I have some of dad's meal prepped food. Like I took it from the fridge this morning, he watched, rolled his eyes, and told me to hurry to the car. So it wasn't technically stealing if he knew and didn't tell me no.
Right?
Anyway Blaise doesn't give up. "So you're seeing them both?"
I scrunch my nose up at him again and he gives me a look similar back, mocking me.
"No."
"What?" She says acting shocked, clutching her chest in mock pain and I stare at her, my face straight.
She laughs loudly.
I let my lips tug up but I look over at Blaise, shaking my head a little.
He acknowledges it with a small nod and I look down at my phone, realising it's almost the end of lunch and I should go and find out my fate with Mrs Brown.
I stand, collecting my stuff quickly. "My drama teacher wants to see me so I am going to go."
Blaise glances at Solana, then at me, he looks at me unhappily. "You're leaving?"
I nod. "Yeah you wanna come?"
He shakes his head so I look at Solana. "Well done for getting accepted. And text me this weekend, if you need anything."
She smiles at me a little, shaking her head to say that she'll be fine.
And then I leave them two together, which was sort of not normal, but if either of them are uncomfortable they don't have to stay together, you know? They're not shy, if they want to leave, they will leave.
So I practically skip back towards school, walking as fast as I can without it being considered running.
It would have probably looked more normal if I had just run.
I head straight towards her office, my stomach tight with anxiety anyway. Oh gosh.
I walk up to her door, pausing when I see it's wide open and as I poke my head around and take in the fact she's not in here, I frown.
Okay.
I leave my bag down on the chair and turn around to walk down to the theatre.
I hate walking around school alone.
It's a random dislike of mine, but still.
I head towards the theatre but as soon as I get there I notice the doors are locked and the lights are off.
Okay, I guess that means she's on duty then, I'll have to just walk around school until I find her. Teachers have days where they have to do lunch duty, basically just manage kids and make sure no one is kicking off.
I walk around the building looking for her.
It's not the end of the world if it's a no.
I know this.
Plus I've basically told everyone that it's probably a no now anyway, they wouldn't even be disappointed.
It would just-
It would just be me disappointed.
Huh.
Hm.
I would be really disappointed.
Is that because I really want to go to this school or because it would be a hit on my pride to get a no?
I don't even know.
I am confused now.
And I can't find Mrs Brown, anywhere. Lunch is nearing over and honestly, I am just getting more and more agitated.
I go to walk past the library, but the sudden image of calm peaceful Rowan crossed my mind, him just sat there with one of his books, enjoying some quiet time, made me think that seeing him right now would actually be really nice.
See him, calm a little, then continue to find her.
He might even help me.
So I turn and walk into the library, people giving me a few odd looks, the ones who don't like sitting in the cafeteria either. I ignore them, walking past the main desk and heading towards the back where I found Rowan before.
I can hear his calm voice before I see him, which made me smile, just at the sound. And then a small frown crossed my features when I realised Rowan was speaking to someone.
I turned the corner to him, then paused, standing still and I just looked at him, observing the scene a little.
Oh.
I press my lips together harshly.
Lottie-don't be this person.
India was stood by his table, she was leant down, pointing to something in his cute adorable and now fucking annoying book of plants and I looked at her, who looked up and saw me, and then I looked at him.
It's just India.
Don't.
He's allowed to talk to her Lottie, you idiot.
The tension that had been bubbling in my stomach because of the audition results slammed up to my throat in a weird anxiety, then I felt it slowly sink back down to my chest as he cocked his head at me.
"Hi?" He says. "You ok?"
India stands up straighter and she walks around the table and sits down next to him, her eyes not on me or him or anything else than the book she had taken out and I let him watch me watch her for a second.
Then my eyes flick back to him. I smile. Shrug. "Yeah, sorry. Don't worry actually."
I turn around, fucking annoyed.
Not with Rowan, obviously. But what the fuck Lottie, how can you be this intense already?
It was-
I walk out of the library, faster than was cool, faster than I meant to.
He's allowed to talk to people you idiot, don't be this person. She's not you. You're cooler than this. He wasn't even doing anything.
Props to Rowan for following, I was even surprised when he did. When he jogged and caught my hand in the middle of the corridor making me freeze and my head turn, my eyes locked on our hands.
He drops my hand gently, us both stood amongst the other students.
His eyes flick between mine.
"What?" He asks.
I scrunch my nose a little, subtly.
"Nothing."
He eyes me. "You're upset?"
I shake my head.
Rowan lifts his hand to my waist and he pushes me lightly, drifting us over to the side by the lockers and I am surprised at the touch, at the openness. I look down at his hand, and I think he takes this as an indicator to take it off.
"Speak." He says.
He demands.
I narrow my eyes. "I am not a dog."
"Tell me why your face fell."
I shake my head softly.
His eyes narrow. "Lottie."
"Rowan." I copy.
"Don't play these games, just talk to me."
I close my eyes at that. "I am stressed because I can't find Mrs Brown." I admit.
His head cocks. His eyes intense as he lowers his head a little to meet my eyes and I laugh, like sort of pathetically so. "And I felt a certain way about walking in to find you and India together."
He frowns.
"And I know." I rush. "Like I promise you I am not that girl, but apparently I am now? Maybe? Or I don't know- I just thought you would be alone."
"India was telling me something to do with her family." He says quietly. "We're friends, you cannot have a problem with that."
I shake my head. "I don't. You can talk to whoever you like."
He stays quiet, looking at me.
"But you got upset?"
I roll my eyes. "No."
"Lottie." He deadpans.
I shrug.
"Speak to me." He whispers now.
He's lucky I'm not in a bitchy mood, because if I was, I would probably point out the irony in that.
But I don't, I just shake my head embarrassed.
It's hard to speak to him sometimes.
I don't know why.
People are just walking past, ignoring us, it makes us feel invisible.
That it's just me and him even though we are dead centre in the middle of the hallway. Ok that's a lie, we're off to the side, but normally people would have noticed.
I don't know what I am thinking, I am just trying not to admit what I was feeling to him.
He is just staring, utterly comfortable in silence. Whereas I was crumbling under the heaviness of it, the expectancy in the air for me to spill.
I let out a frustrated puff of air. "I didn't realise I cared."
He frowns. "You didn't realise you cared about me?"
I roll my eyes, quick, full of attitude and he raises an eyebrow in response.
"No." I mutter. "I didn't realise I cared so much. That- that you had power to hurt me here."
He furrows his eyebrows. "Lottie." He frowns. "I am not- you're not going to get hurt."
I smile, laugh, it's sarcastic. "Since when were you the optimistic one?"
He frowns at me, confused. And I just cringe at myself and push away from the lockers, heading out the nearest exit door and Rowan follows, keeping up.
He calls my name, us alone now in a small corridor between the main hallway and outside.
I look round, stopping.
"Am I not supposed to talk to India?" He asks honestly. "I am new to this; I don't know how I am supposed to act with exs."
I smile a little. I shrug. "Probably best not to ask what the norm is for exs."
Rowan looks at me deeply. "Is this about him?"
I scrunch my face up. "What? No, of course not."
"No I mean, is this- okay that's not a good idea to say actually."
My eyes are narrowed, glaring already.
He sorts of chuckles at my face and steps closer.
I step back.
He rubs his face, his smile leaving but his eyes honest when he looks at me. "You're upset because I was talking to India and that stressed you out because it made you realise that you cared about me?"
I stare back for a second.
I cross my arms. "And because I can't find Mrs Brown and I need her."
He laughs at me, quietly. Stepping close again, not close enough that any part of him was touching me, but close enough that I didn't feel this huge gap between him and I.
He looks down at me. "You don't have to worry, ever, about anyone else. I care about you too."
"Yeah?" I whisper.
Rowan smiles down at me, shaking his head. He then goes serious for a second. "I don't think it's healthy to dictate who we can and cannot speak to though, so that's not what you mean right?"
I shake my head. My eyes honest and wide as I look up at him. "I just got scared because of what I felt for you, it wasn't anything to do with her anyway."
He nods. "I get it, I don't enjoy watching you with other people."
"Yeah?"
He laughs. "Yeah."
I feel assured. He didn't make me- he didn't fight with me.
Fucking hell this would have been such a huge fight if it was with- you know who.
I shouldn't compare, ever, I know. I know I shouldn't even be thinking about him. But Rowan is-
You remember that halo I used to try and paint around my head for my parents to see?
I was looking at Rowan and honestly, I feel like his is real.
I hope it's real.
"Now." He says. "Would you like help looking for Mrs Brown?"
He's genuinely an angel.
Okay, I am just-
Oh gosh Lottie, fuck off, you were supposed to be prepping for hot girl summer this spring.
What is this?
I nod.
Obviously.
And he turns around, guiding us back out to the corridor and we start walking back towards her office.
"You just left India sitting there." I say quietly.
"She'll survive." He says nonchalantly. "Who were you with?"
"Just Solana and Blaise, Scarlett's not in today."
Rowan stops, so I do too, looking round to him.
He laughs at ne, shaking his head at me and we continue walking.
"What?"
"Nothing, just, you're hardwork."
I huff. "What-"
"You just- never mind."
"No." I protest. "Tell me."
"You got upset because I was with India, but you were just with some guy and the literal girl you were seeing last week?"
I look up at him sheepishly.
I know.
I smile.
He smiles back down at me and laughs, lifting his hand to my back and he pushes on me lightly to get me to walk faster again.
The bell goes off then, but as people start heading to class, Rowan carries on walking me to Mrs Brown's office.
She should be there now it's the end of lunch.
"I was mainly stressed because I- er- I find out how I did on that audition today."
"Oh yeah, shit I forgot." He says. He frowns. "I am sorry for forgetting."
I shake my head. "Shush it's fine. But yeah, that's why I was originally coming to see you, I wanted some peace."
"Well I am sorry I didn't give you that."
I shake my head.
"You'll do great. Don't worry."
I smile, just because he always sounds so sure.
"I like your faith in me Roe, but this is-"
"I know, but well- I believe in you no matter how many times you tell me you don't think you got in."
I smile at him and we walk up to her office, the door is closed, so we pause outside it.
"You have class, go."
He shakes his head.
"Seriously." I say.
Rowan changes the subject, for a second.
"If Sutton asks you to hang out later, and then calls me and I say no, don't think anything of it, Sutton needs some Lottie time."
My eyebrows raise, confused.
He explains. "He knows we hung out yesterday, just us, and he doesn't know anything about- whatever is going on here- so it just looks like we chose to exclude him and- I think he was a little upset."
A small smile crosses my features as I listen to Rowan advocate for his friend's feelings.
"So he's going to invite me tonight, but I think it might be a good idea for you two to spend some alone time together. Obviously only if you want to. But- well yeah, that's what I was thinking."
I just nod, my smile still present.
"And you won't come?"
He shakes his head.
I purse my lip a little and his eyes flick down to it.
He looks back at me. "Don't."
I smile more at that.
I wanna see more of him today than just this.
But I won't be pushy, I have already been intense today.
Ha.
I was so cool with Nathan, like didn't feel like this at all.
Maybe this is what happens when you get cheated on.
I might talk to mum.
Or Em.
Nova maybe.
Someone.
Maybe Scar.. nah, she's not helpful with emotions.
I lean back and I knock on Mrs Brown's door.
"Who is it?" She calls.
"Just me." I say.
"Finally, come in." She demands and I lean over and open the door slightly but I stay looking at Rowan.
"You have soccer?" He asks.
I shake my head.
"Tea?"
I smile at him using the nickname but shake my head. "We have costume fittings but ima be first and I already tried it on last week so I'll be in and out."
He nods. "Okay, would you like a lift home?"
I nod a little.
Because yes, that would be nice.
"Thank you."
"Okay, meet me on the steps?"
My eyebrows raise. "Okay."
The steps are very public, but it's not I who has an issue with that, it's him.
Mrs Brown calls my name again and Rowan nods for me to go in and so I do.
I don't step close and say goodbye like I want to, because although I have been deadly sensitive to the little touches he made today, I am also aware he never fully took a hold. He never kissed me.
So I would push.
We were taking his lead.
So as I walk into her room and close the door behind me, I wince by the bright deathly glare she is giving me.
"Do you not care?" She mutters. "I do not work my ass of for students like you who do not care."
I frown, taking my bag off the chair and I sit down across from her. Confused.
"I asked you to come to me at ten this morning, it is now one and you're just showing up?"
I furrow my eyebrows. "Mr Mortley told me to come and see you at the end of lunch. It is literally the end of lunch."
She stops her anger, pauses it. Her head cocks. "He told you what?"
I just repeat what I said.
She calls him a name.
A bad name that even my eyebrows lift at.
I try not to snigger.
I gather he just didn't want to disrupt my lessons.
"So..." I ask. "Are you still mad at me?"
"I thought you didn't care about the response from the uni."
I shake my head. "I care. So you got a response then, oh, right, I mean I knew but that makes it very real, gosh ok..."
She nods and starts typing something into her computer.
I think searching for the email.
"I mean I get it, if they say no. Because everyone else was so talented. And I did my best, so like I can't even blame it on a rough day or anything."
Her lips tug up a little.
"I just mean if I don't get in, I will know that I gave it my all and it just wasn't meant to happen. Because like I did good, they were impressed, so like it's not a mistake I made, you know?"
She nods.
I let out a breath. "I can deal with it saying no, you just have to tell me."
She turns her computer around and I freeze, my eyes only really seeing numbers and scores, and I don't know what any of those say.
My eyes flick up to hers in confusion.
"Read below, that's just your applicant number and your scores."
My eyes skim the words below.
'Conditional Offer'.
I look up at her, asking her to tell me exactly what that meant.
"You got the same offer as Scarlett." She says. "Basically, you have a place, as long as you get the grades, as long as you graduate with the average that they want."
I swallow.
Scarlett's average that they want is an A.
I don't think I can get that.
I share this.
She points to the conditions part.
Mine is a B.
My eyebrows rise.
"Why is mine lower?"
"Because they're trying to be inclusive. Your math grade is struggling, they know this, so they're accepting that as long as you get an average of a B and at least try and get your math to a D or hopefully a C, you can have a place."
I look at her so surprised.
"It means you can try and maintain your math but try not to stress yourself out too much."
"What if I don't get even a D by the end of the year?"
"Lottie you're getting at least a D now, you'll be fine. But basically, the email says that you'll have to do math classes there. But that's all."
"Oh my- oh my goodness."
She looks at me, eyes me. "Are you happy?"
I grin.
I think the shock was keeping my smile away. "Of course I am happy, oh-"
I can decide- I have- like all the options are open to me.
"Great, now go to class."
"Wait, so a B?"
She nods. "You need an average of a B, so your Math can be a D but as long as your English and history and sciences are high, they should balance the grade out to an overall of a B, right?"
I nod.
I can do that.
Oh.
I grin.
I can't wait to tell Rowan he was right. That I could do it.
Oh wow ok.
The squeezing in my stomach stops and I look at my teacher, full of excitement now. "Thank you." I say sincerely. "So so so so much."
She laughs at me. "It was all you Lots, go and tell your mum."
I nod quickly, even though admittedly it hadn't even really crossed my mind to tell her. Of course I would, well ok, I might wait until- oh whatever, I stand up and grab my bag, saying thankyou again and then I head out, looking around.
I don't know why I expected someone to be outside, I just- it was surprisingly empty.
I have to tell Scarlett, oh gosh.
She's going to be happy.
I think.
I start walking as I think.
Will she be? I mean she was so weird about-
The door to my right opens and I gasp when Rowan grabs my hand and pulls me into the stairwell.
I laugh, loudly, my hands clutching my chest. "Fucking hell Roe, that scared me."
He has me backed against the wall, this is just dawning at me now.
I look around at the empty stairwell. Then my eyes go back to his.
"What are you doing here?" I ask.
He shrugs. "I was waiting outside the office but then your mum saw me and told me to stop loitering, so I waited here for you."
I smile.
I just lean back against the wall and smile up at him.
"You got it?" He says, reading my face very fucking clearly.
I nod.
He grins.
A big grin that I don't think I've seen properly before. He smiles and he looks so proud and I want to wrap my arms around him so tightly but I know I can't so I just lift my hand up and I spread my fingers in his face, hopefully giving him some affection.
He laughs again, watching me a little confused.
He lifts his hands and to my surprise he catches mine and he pulls me to him, pressing his lips to mine before I can fully gage that was his move.
Oh.
Ok.
I smile against his lips before I kiss Rowan back, my head light with how this is exactly what I meant by him showing me his level of comfortableness.
Rowan kisses me just the once, just for a few seconds and he pulls back.
"Well done." He whispers, his lips so close to mine.
I lean back against the wall, making him walk with me and I smile, sliding my hands up his chest and to touch his face.
I tilt his chin down, presses a soft kiss to his lips and he kisses me back, slowly.
We were just feeling, it's so new, it feels so- whole.
I don't know what that means.
But when I kiss him, it feels solid, like I am not doing something wrong, even though when he pulls back I am always thrown into slight uncertainty.
But this time he pulls back, his hands either side of me pressed against the wall, and I don't feel so- unnerved, he leans his head down on mine.
"I am so happy for you." Is what he whispers.
And I don't think any of my other friends have ever seemed that genuine before.
So I pull him tighter, closer and he ducks his head to kiss me again but this time it isn't at all as hesitant, as new.
This time his soft kiss changed with swift graduation of intensity that made me want to take a hold of him and kiss him properly now. No more shy reluctance, no more testing the waters.
I knew I wanted to kiss him and damn it, I wanted him to know how good it could feel to be close to someone and be comfortable.
Because I am not sure he's ever felt that.
So I hold his face and I kiss him harder, and I try not to smirk when he steps closer, as now I was totally pressed against the wall and he was pressed utterly against me as he kissed me back with the exact same roughness, with slight neediness.
His hand lifts to hold my head, holding me in place and I can feel the heat spread over us as if it wasn't a pretty chilly early march afternoon, as if we weren't in the cold abandoned stairwell at school.
It could have been sunny inside for all I knew.
For all I felt right now.
I think I finally understand. Why people are described in frilly language metaphors like sunsets.
Because they can be just as wonderful as sunsets, this feeling, this growing connection with him, can be just as wonderful as a sunset if I was to just let it be.
When looking at the sunset I don't find myself saying 'okay it would be prettier if I could soften the red a bit in the left or brighten the pink around the centre'. I don't try and control it. I just watch in awe as it unfolds.
I think that's what we should be doing here.
I need to stop over analysing.
With Rowan.
I think I should just let it unravel because I don't know much about what is going to happen, but I think this is good.
It feels good.
He pauses, taking a moment and I smile against his face, our noses pressed.
"We shouldn't be doing this here." I whisper.
He lifts his head so we could make eye contact, our bodies still pressed and I wonder whether his body was burning like mine was.
I wanted to move.
Hell, I needed to move.
But it was Rowan, I am trying to behave.
I smile at him, slightly shyly, but not as much as the other times.
I don't feel as unsure as the other times.
"Yeah. Definitely not a good idea to be doing this here."
I press my lips together to try and suppress a smirk, and a- you wanna go someone else- comment. Instead, I just laugh breathlessly and move my hands up from being settled on his chest to his face again, stroking his cheek with my hand.
"You kiss good." I whisper.
"Shut up." He whispers back embarrassed, his nose scrunching up and I just smile, my thumb dropping down to lightly graze his lip.
I look up at him again. "Imagine getting caught, here." I laugh. "Me and you."
"Oh the drama."
I smile, pushing back some of his hair with my free hand. "Guess what?"
"What?"
"I don't even have to pass math."
His eyebrows shoot up.
"I mean, obviously I have to try and I will do my best to get my grade up but all I need is an overall average of a B at the end of the year."
He smiles at me, again. "We should do something to celebrate."
I nod, grinning back at him.
He steps away from me, making my arms drop in surprise and I catch myself easily but a little bit of a mess standing before him.
He lifts his finger to shh me, pointing upwards.
The door opens to the upstairs and I look at him slightly wide eyed.
He looks at me amused and then nods for us to leave, so I agree and he reaches for my hand and pulls me back into the empty hallway, everyone is still in class.
"You can deal with touch today?" I ask, albeit stupidly as he was literally stroking my hand with his fucking thumb.
He's so affectionate when he wants to be.
It's dizzying.
He nods. "Obviously."
"Smart ass." I mumble.
"Lots I literally just kissed you." He mocks me then. "You can deal with touch today? Yes I think so."
"I hate you sometimes." I mutter. "I was just opening that conversation up?"
"What conversation?" He laughs.
"The touch and boundaries one."
"What class are you meant to be in?" He asks.
"Chemistry."
He deadpans. "You are struggling in Chem, you should be in it."
"Shush, walk me there then?"
"I should be in my own class."
I stop walking. "Yes, so go."
He tuts, squeezes my hand and pulls me to walk with him. "Well, I'm taking you to Chem first."
I laugh, stumbling a little as he pulls me and he gives me this slightly sly look that asks if I am good and I scrunch my nose up at him and smiles, pulling me slightly closer to him as we walk.
Gosh, I know I should not be so easily dizzied by a little touch.
But he's not frivolous with touch- when he doesn't wanna touch one day and then the next he does it feels more special, it- I know that his default is not this, that he is making effort.
So it means more to me.
Maybe it shouldn't. Maybe I am deluding myself.
Maybe I should listen to my earlier thoughts and stop overthinking.
He pauses outside my class, my peers' glance outside and we both take a step back from the door so they cannot see us.
"I will take you home later." He says. "Then you'll see Sutton and maybe we can do something properly to celebrate this weekend?"
"What do you mean properly?" I ask quietly.
He shrugs. "I am sure you'll have a lot of people who want to say well done, so no pressure to hang out with me, but still-"
I smile at him. "My mum liked the flowers you gave me."
His smile falls a little, but he half smiles, a little embarrassed. "Does she know they were from me? That you got them at-"
"At your shop yeah, not that they were technically a gift from you. But she might have put two and two together."
He shrugs. "She knows anyway."
"Yeah I know." I say quietly, a little bit softly as I look at him. I furrow my eyebrows in distaste. "You're making me soft Rowan, I don't like it."
"I don't mean to." He says so honestly that I just smile and shake my head a little.
I know he doesn't.
Dangerous.
I step forwards and I press a small kiss to his cheek, he even lowered it a little to help me.
He chuckles. "You remember when you got lipstick on me?"
I smile a little sheepishly and I rub his cheek, just making sure my hint of gloss wasn't visible.
"I will see you on the steps, I'll probably be about ten minutes late, is that ok?"
He nods. "I'll be waiting."
"Okay, go to class." I whisper, pressing down the handle on my science class door.
I will get in trouble, but I will get out of it, it'll be ok.
And I doubt Rowan ever gets in trouble.
He nods. "I will see you a little later, and remember, you deserve it."
"The uni place?" I whisper back confused.
He nods. "And everything else."
I laugh, look inside briefly to see Mrs Denver's face unpressed looking at me through the window.
I wince.
Look back at Rowan. "Whipped." I whisper.
He grins at me and turns around, walking away and not saying anything else.
So with an equally big smile I turn and enter into Chemistry, having missed half of it for a very harsh drama teacher and for the boy who, hell, I knew I was in deep trouble for.
Oh well.
Sunsets are beautiful and all that shit, right?
thoughts?