"You must have hit your head hard when you came down from space."
☾
After a while, we walked to the dropship. Jaha was sitting on the floor against one of the walls. Talking about what happened made me even worst. I couldn't bear to look the man in the eyes. All I could think about was his blood on my hands. He didn't deserve to live more than my parents. More than me.
John sits in front of Jaha and I climb the stairs to the second floor. I sit against the wall looking at the one in front of me.
As I look at nothing, I think of how I don't remember what it is to be happy. What it is waking up every morning without wondering if it's really worth it. If something I do will change the outcome of things. My mother believed we were all here for a reason, that we had a purpose. She believed that we were more than just a body and that our soul was meant to be taken to its destiny. I believed that for a while but soon enough, when the memory of her started vanishing in the back of my mind, so did that belief.
On the other hand, my father believed humans were just that. Humans. Our brain was an incredible machine, but that was about that. When we died. We died. I don't believe that either.
Before earth, I believed that the human race was guided by selfish wishes and self-preservation acts. I never believed in love, or forgiveness, or kindness. I had felt it. I hated everyone I knew.
Since then, something has changed. I can't tell you what did, cause I don't know. I just know that I don't feel that way anymore.
I also know that I don't know what I feel. I don't understand things like love. Every time it crosses my brain I'm unable to comprehend it.
But I do understand hate, selfishness, emptiness, loneliness. It is what I'm used to, but still, I can't control it.
I feel lost in my own body, in my own mind. As if I'm in an endless room with thousands of strangers talking in an unknown language. Confusion.
I get up from my position and decide to walk outside, eager to feel the wind hit my face. I leave my weapons there, not wanting to let my anger take over me.
As I step out of the dropship, I sit just outside the entryway. Looking at the stars.
Memories flood my mind. Things I forgot even existed. Talks with my mother and father talks with Roman.
"When I first landed on the Earth, I met a woman who spoke of a place beyond the dead zone, a place where everyone is accepted... a City of Light." I hear Jaha saying.
"Heh. That sounds like a fairy tale." John replies as I get back in, this time, sitting on his side.
"Or a second chance." Jaha looks at me and I look away as I get comfortable and close my eyes slightly baking my head onto John's shoulder.
"You don't even know if it's real," I speak up, keeping my eyes close.
"You're right... I don't... but I believe."
"Okay," John mutters, carefully pushing me away from him, making me open my eyes again. "Well, that's good for you, Chancellor." He claps and grabs his backpack, making it a pillow and laying on it, and motioning me to lay on his side. "Very good." He mutters again to Jaha as I lay on his side, taking my coat off and putting it on top of us.
"I'm gonna find it, John..." Jaha mutters as he looks at us. "And once I do, I'm gonna come back and lead my people home." I feel John moving to look at him for a moment but soon turns back to me.
I close my eyes and do the same thing I used to do in the white empty room. I push everything that comes to my mind, to the back of my head. I notice that John is still awake, and after a while, Jaha speaks up again. Probably thinking I was asleep.
"You're good for her." He says and I keep quiet, curious about how this will end. "I was friends with her mother before she got sick. It's a hereditary disease."
I don't move but soon enough the thoughts come back again.
"Inanna's unpredictable," He keeps saying, "...and dangerous."
"It's my girlfriend your talking about," John remembers Jaha, and my breathing changes when I hear him saying that.
"I hope it works out. You both deserve to be happy." He nods at John who just scoffs and turns his back at Jaha, holding me closer.
I breathe out, getting closer to him. When I notice, he's asleep.
After some hours, the sun is back in the sky and I start hearing a noise outside making me touch John's shoulder waking him up. I climb the stairs as fast as I can, grabbing back my weapons, and walking outside.
When I do, there are around ten people hugging Jaha. I look at John, who looks back at me, as confused as me.
"What the hell is this?"
"We're going to the City of Light." Jaha looks back at us with a wide smile on his face.
"You're going now? There's a million ways to die out there." When John asks this, Jaha looks at the other people around him as if we were the crazy ones.
"Well, if it's not your time, nothing can kill you, but if it is your time, it only takes one." He tells us and I blink a few times trying to make sense of what's happening.
"Right." John mutters. "You even have a map?"
"No."
"Then how do you know where you're going?" I ask him.
"We don't, but I will not be ruled by fear," Jaha tells us. "You want to stop being treated like a criminal, then you have to stop thinking that that's all you are." He gets closer. "Take this leap of faith with me, John and Innana, and let me show you there's so much more for you than this."
As soon as he says this I can't hold my laugh anymore.
"I'm sorry." I laugh, "You must have hit your head hard when you came down from space." I look at the incredibly unstable man in front of me. "You're delusional if your thinking I'm going anywhere with you. Especially somewhere that probably doesn't even exist."
"You rather stay here with the grounders?"
"Obviously."
"We're giving you a second chance-"
"I don't need a second chance." I interrupt him and I feel John's hand on my arm making me look at him confused.
"I'll give you a minute to decide." Jaha tells us as he goes back to his crazy friends.
John walks to the dropship and I go behind him.
"You can't seriously be thinking about going with him. He's crazy!" I exclaim. "And that's coming from me."
"Maybe it's a good thing. There's nothing keeping us here."
"Speak for yourself. Onto and Linn are in Mount Weather. They saved me I can't just leave them." I tell him. "I have Delphia, Octavia, I... I can't just go without even saying goodbye."
"You did that to me, remember?" He swallows hard and I look away slightly.
"Buy me some time. Let me talk to Octavia and Delphia first." I suggest and he licks his lips and nods reluctantly. "Give me an hour."
* * *
I ran, and I ran, and I ran. After around thirty minutes I'm at The Ark.
"Come here." I grab Octavia and take her to my room closing the door behind us.
"What's wrong? Where's Murphy and Jaha?"
"Going on a suicide mission," I say as I pace around the room. "Jaha is batshit. He's looking for this city of light with some crazy people and he wants me and John to go."
"Will you?" Octavia asks me and I keep walking around my room. "Ina!" She grabs me and I stop taking a deep breath. "Will you go with them?"
"I don't know. John wants to go but I can't just leave." I tell her. "Delphia would kill me. I would deserve it but still. She's the closest thing I have to a mother I can't leave her. And Onto and Linn are in Mount Weather being drained, I have to help them."
"Forget about them. What do you want to do?" She asks me and I swallow hard.
"I want to be with John," I mutter and she gives me a reassuring smile.
"Then go," Octavia tells me. "Onto and Linn will be fine. Delphia too. I'll make sure of it."
"They saved me, O, and this is how I repay them." I sit on the end of my bed. "I promised Tiga I would find them."
"We will. They'll be okay, Inanna." I take a deep breath and nod swallowing hard.
"Should I tell Delphia?"
"Do you want to?"
"She wouldn't let me go." I nod in deny as I think about the woman who saved me.
"Then don't." Octavia sits on my side. "Go find the city of light."
I give her a small smile and I hug her as tight as I can.
"Thank you," I tell her and she smiles back at me.
"You're my best friend." She says and I laugh.
"Best friend? What are we? Ten?"
"Don't be a bitch." She jokes and I laugh at her. "Be save."
"Keep them save," I tell her and she nods at my request. "May we meet again." I grab her hand and she squeezes it.
"May we meet again." She lets go.
I get out as fast as I got in. Before leaving I catch a glimpse of Delphia studying the maps of Mount Weather making me swallow hard.
I run into the woods as fast as I can. Not giving me time to go back. I feel the urge to stop and rethink what I'm doing. Think about what Delphia will feel when she finds out I betrayed her. Not only her but Onto and Linn. I don't stop, instead, I run faster.
As I get closer, I slow down.
"You came," Jaha says as soon as he sees me.
"I'm sure as well not doing this for you," I tell him as I walk past him and towards John who was smirking at me. "Stop it." I hit him in the chest.
"Ouch!" He says dramatically putting his arm behind my neck and supporting it on my shoulders.
"I hate you," I mutter taking a deep breath.
"Yeah, keep telling yourself that." He smirks and I'm unable to hide my smile.
"Inanna," Jaha calls and I roll my eyes before looking at him. "There's someone with us that I believe you would like to see again."
When I notice, I see Cosmos making me curse to myself. Of course, he was with these people. He's as dumb as them.
"It's great to see you." he swallows hard giving me a small smile, looking at John who's arm is still around me.
"Let's go," Jaha tells us and walks away with the group.
"What was that about?" John asks me and I take a deep breath.
"When I was in the solitary, I might have made him fall for me so that he could bring books to me," I confess not looking at John who laughs at what I tell him. "It's not funny. He thinks I like him." I half-whisper, half-scream.
"Well, he already understood that you're taken." He pushes me closer to him and I support my head on him as we walk behind the others.
We walk for a while, we spent the whole time talking, which was enough to make me forget about what I had just done for a while. I knew that eventually, it would come for me but I would delay it for as long as I could.
"Thank you," John tells me and I look up at him a bit. ", for coming with me."
"Ride or die, right?" I look back at the path we were taking, instead of replying, he holds me closer.