November 30th, 1960
"You got all yer stuff in there, Rolf?" I open the door to the restaurant just enough for him to rush out with all his stuff in hand. He held his stuff in his arms sloppily—his coat dragging along the dirtied ground. It was the same routine almost every day, opening together and then closing together. At this point, I was close to forgetting how I had lived normally without all this taking up my time. "And you can take your time, I don't mind. I don't want you to get everything you're carrying all dirty and gross. But we might be just a little too late for that."
He waves his hand at me dismissively, resting his stuff on the floor to sort it out. I had to hold back from any weird faces I could possibly make just thinking of how many bladdered people had vommed and spit on that exact spot over the years.
"No, I'm fine. Go ahead and close up the place, I'll wait for you while I sort out my belongings." Rolf leans down and starts reorganizing his stuff neatly, a tired smile on his face.
I nod in response, his mess on the floor still taking up my mind. But I put it aside for the meantime as I tried to waste little time doing this one thing so I could just head back to the Top Ten and get some damn rest for tonight.
As I was putting the lock-in between the double doors though as I usually did, a few heavy footsteps could be heard dragging closer towards me. My hands fumbled as I tried rushing through finishing the lock—already thinking the worst on whoever could possibly be walking towards me beside Rolf at this hour in the night. Once the reassuring click of the lock was finally heard, I turned around to see a tall figure in front of me—though I couldn't see quite clearly who it was because of all the lights around us being turned off in the meantime.
My fists start to ball up at my sides as this person starts to walk closer and closer towards me. I gather up my wits for one minute and swing a punch just as John had taught me before, only for them to grab my wrist when it was oh so close to hitting their face. As they backed me up against the wall, I was getting prepared to scream my brains out—until I saw John's face finally come into view.
"You daft fuckin' bird, what were you about to hit me for? I told you to use it on some odd blokes..., not me. I'm lucky I caught you before you hit me right in the damn jaw and might as well have broken it."
"I thought you were one of those odd blokes, John! You couldn't have just announced that you were there instead of lurking in the dark like some madman?" I break free of his grasp and look at him absolutely bewildered and embarrassed. It was horrifying to think of me actually hitting him like that, but with him creeping around like that—it was odd of him to think of me doing anything different and not mistaking him for someone else.
"Do I even look the closest thing to odd to you?"
"When you're in the dark like that, yes, yes you do!" I tried to reason with him, as he obviously didn't understand what he looked like. John was as blind as a bat after all, so of course he wouldn't know. "Next time just don't scare me like that again. I could've hurt you bad for fuck's sake. And I don't want to do that to you, y'know?"
"Fine, alright. Next time I'll be sure to announce my ever so important presence to you, your majesty. Deepest apologies, Madam." John puts on the poshest accent you could think of while doing a little curtsy. He was still pretty annoyed with such a close call, but had definitely just put it aside just for my case. I had so many more close experiences like that one time in the restaurant since then and he couldn't ever hold it against me being so careful.
Rolf walks behind John cautiously, his body all tensed up. He spins John around forcefully by the shoulder—still not caught up on what had just happened. I had to walk between them before it escalated any further, grabbing a hold on John's hand as well before he threw any punches at the poor bloke.
"Rolf! What're you doin'? This is my boyfriend, John. The one I told you about. You don't have to throw punches at him, alright? I'm fine. False alarm with the yelling and what-not."
"Oh," He says plainly, letting himself fall loose again. After just gazing at John for a few minutes, he finally extends out a hesitant hand for him to shake. John was still staring daggers at the poor lad, someone who already didn't rub him in the right way despite being one of the nicest people I had ever met. "Rolf Amsler. Sorry for getting off on the wrong foot with you. Thought you were some thief when I saw you in the dark. My apologies."
John gently pushes me behind him as he shakes Rolf's hand. "John Lennon. How do you know Nat, hm? She hasn't really told me much about you, funnily enough." His voice was deep and his burning jealousy was showing through just that. One of the few sides of him that I absolutely loathe with a passion and wished would change any day now.
"I—erm—work with her. I'm the chef here at the restaurant." Rolf looked to have picked up on whatever daft conclusion John was coming to up in that brilliant brain of his. He scratches the back of his head awkwardly whilst keeping an eye on John's rather judgmental way of looking him up and down. "You don't have to worry about us doing anything like what you're thinking of. We are just friends and coworkers, that is all. I've known Natalie long enough to know that she wouldn't think of doing such a thing. And I'm well...married with a wife and daughter as well."
"That's nice to know that my girlfriend hasn't been going overtime for other shite that isn't work, y'know? Sometimes I dunno if she just makes me out to be an idiot or something."
Rolf's face contorts into a disgusted expression that I had never seen before. John was pushing him farther than he should be, and he knew that. But I could also see that he was having fun being an asshat tonight.
John then grabs my hand and pulls me back beside him, as if to show me off, putting on this faux smile. I could tell that he really was just pulling on Rolf's legs now...eager to just show him that I was dating someone, which happened to be him. I brush his hand off of mine and instead cross my arms—shuffling a few steps away from him. I could see him preparing some sort of response to bite back, but I made sure to cut in between them before it got any worse than what it was right now.
"Rolf, I think that it would be best if we just head our separate ways for tonight. I'll see you again, tomorrow, yeah?"
He keeps his glare on John, still obviously annoyed by his rash attitude. And I was sharing that exact same feeling with him. "Yes, I'll see you tomorrow as usual. Take care, Natalie. It was nice meeting your boyfriend." Rolf turned away from us and his head hung low as he slowly disappeared into the dark shadows of Grosse Freiheit.
When I looked back up at John, a snide smirk was present on his face and I couldn't look at him for long. He was almost proud of what he had done—like what he did was admirable and would make everybody like him. But that was the complete opposite of whatever I was feeling right now. The disappointment was flowing through my body freely, as I almost couldn't believe that he had actually gone a step further and almost started a whole bloody debate with a man he had just met. His raging jealousy was no secret as I had seen with Cyn many times before, but experiencing it was just eye-opening. Embarrassing...Humiliating almost.
"John, what even was tha? Is that what you came here for? To just fucking second-guess my loyalty to you?" I started walking away from him to head for the Top Ten, trying to pace as fast as I could. Both John and I's steps made a loud boom every time our feet hit the pavement. "Because I thought we were past that stage. That you trusted me just as much as I trusted you."
"That's not what I came here for, but I guess it was just bloody perfect timing. You've been shagging him, haven't you? Is that why you've always been coming home late? Because you were giving that bloke some good service on the side for some extra money?" He grabs my arm and turns me around, forcing me to look him in the eyes.
As he neared me, I could smell the stinging stench of alcohol on his breath. His eyes were bloodshot and almost manic as they stared into mine. Now I knew why he had a sudden outburst...why he wasn't acting like himself. But even then, he was in his brains enough to know what he was doing. Like people always said back in Liverpool, that when you drink the truth comes out. And this was John's hidden truth that he must've shoved deep down.
"Do you even hear yourself? Why would I want to shag him, John? He's not the one I'm fucking dating, is he?" I try to release my arm from his forceful grab—almost getting a sense of deja vu to my parents. My heart was pounding out of my chest now. What was John going to do? Was he going to do what was occupying the deepest, darkest part of my mind? "Tell me why you don't trust me. Talk to me! You don't have to fucking embarrass me like that in front of somebody that has been nothing but kind."
"I embarrass you, huh? That it? You're embarrassed to be around me now, Natalie?" John hissed out.
"No, that's not what I fucking said." My bravery was wearing thin as I whimpered out just these few words. "John, please, let go of me. I know this isn't you."
"That's exactly what you said! Don't back on yer words now, woman." He backed me against one of the brick walls on the street once more, his face getting dangerously close to mine. I was biting back any tears that were starting to gloss over my eyes. The man in front of me right now was one that I didn't know, and I wish it would've stayed that way instead. "And why should I fucking trust that you aren't doing something behind my back, huh? You always aren't home and whenever you are and you see me...you act like you've seen some sort of jinx."
"John, that's not true—"
"Oh, and let's not forget that situation with yer parents. You didn't tell me no matter how many opportunities you had...and I might've never known if Mimi didn't tell me. How do you think that felt, Natalie? How much that made me feel like shite." His words swung at me one by one, not one of his words missing the opportunity to point out my many faults against him.
"I'm sorry, John. I really fucking am. I regret doing all that to you and I'll never stop feeling that way. Now please....please let me go."
"Answer my damn question first," His grasp on my arm only tightened up against the wall and he wasn't going to be letting go any time soon. John's heavy pants could be felt on my face, maybe loud enough for the whole block to hear. I didn't know what to do. Do I scream? Do I run? What would even help me now at this point? I had no idea what John's next move was going to be...but I was hoping it wasn't whatever I was thinking he would. "Did you? Did you fucking shag him, Natalie? Tell me."
"No, I didn't! John...I'm begging you, please let me go. Please."
A pit grew in the depths of my stomach as I tried to stay brave in front of him. I never thought this would be a problem between him and I. I thought he understood why I was working all these late nights. And even if he did have his doubts against me...I thought we were far enough in this damn relationship for him to pipe up about it and act rationally about it. Not using bevvies as his way to drown out his sorrows.
But yet, here we both were. A position I had never thought I'd be in when I first got with him. And most definitely when I first met John.
"You're lying, aren't you? C'mon...stop the fucking lies. So we can finally have all yer damned secrets out in the open."
Tears finally pushed their way out of my eyes as now he was unrecognizable. The John I had fucking fallen in love with wouldn't be doing this. He wouldn't be hurting me like this without remorse. Even with all the alcohol in his system, there still had to be a part of him that was dead-sober—knowing exactly what he was doing right now. And that's what made it all the worse to see.
"...Who even are you right now, John?" My voice scratched out, taking the utmost effort to do. "Why are you doin' this to me—?"
And that was enough for him to loosen his grip on me. A flash of guilt came to John's eyes as he toppled backward away from me, finally coming to his senses. He looked down at himself like he had no idea what he had just done. Even if he hadn't gone ahead and done anything to me physically...that one experience still left an imprint in my brain. Just knowing that he might've been thinking of hurting me deep down was more than enough to make my heartache.
I started to inch away from him, my fists balled up at my sides. There were no other words I could gather myself enough to say to him. He stared at me miserably—just now realizing the rift between us that he had just caused. We both didn't have any idea what to do next after opening up such an issue. Were we supposed to move on and forget about this? Because I didn't think that such a thing like this would be in my capacity to just forgive and forget about, no matter how much I loved him.
"Nat, wait! Don't go." He tries to hold my hand, but I pull away before he could even lay one touch on me again. That was the absolute last thing I wanted from John at the moment. "I'm sorry—I'm so fucking sorry. I-I don't know what happened for me to even think of doing that to ye—" John stammered out. It was obvious he was trying to make excuses for himself now to make whatever he did the least bit better.
I started taking a few more steps away from him as he started getting close to me once more. "I think we need some space in between us for a little bit, John. I don't think it's best for us to talk when your mind is still a little...clouded."
"We can talk now, Nat! I swear I didn't mean to do any of that. I wasn't thinking straight."
"You meant every damn word of that, John. I've known you long enough to say that." I wiped off one of the tear stains left on my cheek, shaking my head almost like I was in denial of what I had just said. It was the truth that he didn't bloody trust me at all...but I still couldn't help but mourn such a secret of his coming out at such a random point of time. "Now please, just...don't try to excuse yourself out of this one. I just wish you would've told me about this instead of gathering up all that inside of you. It would've been better than this. Hell, anything that you could've done would've been better than this."
"Nat, where are you goin'?" John called out hopelessly as I turned away from him and to whatever direction it was to get to the Top Ten.
I ignore his many calls for me and even start to quicken my pace to what could be called a run now—my footsteps making deafening sounds on the pavement. It was enough to drown out his helpless cries and my sobs...which made it more than useful for me. All I wanted now was to go back to the Top Ten, more so than I usually did. But unlike before, I didn't want to go back there to see John. No, this time, I wanted to get there now and just get away from him—even if it was just for a little while.
What had the two of us become for it to come to this? Me running away from him as I had eerily done with Paul earlier this year. A motion that I never thought I'd have to repeat with John of all the people. The one person I was absolutely sure wouldn't ever hurt me like this.
But just with a night that started out to be so simple,
I was quickly proven to be wrong.
~~~
a/n: this night isn't over yet, i promise i wouldn't ever keep you all hanging like that. not for too long anyway ;) i hope you all enjoyed this chapter and thanks so much for all the support recently! just hit 5k recently and i'll be forever grateful <3 see you all next update (hopefully)! x