Walking back to the bedroom after dropping Izzy off to Rose I lay down next to Carlo and stare up at the ceiling.
I had laid awake all last night, staring into the dark abyss. I had managed to move away from Carlo's embrace so I could cry. I had tears streaming down my cheeks,
Chest aching,
Mind racing,
Heart palpitating.
Until I drifted off into a dreamless sleep.
But now the light shines through the curtains and my mind hesitates. The tears are now trapped away for I mustn't show my vulnerability.
I may act as if everything is okay but when the darkness fills the room again, when I feel most alone, and everything is quiet,
I will shatter all over again, repeating the never ending cycle.
I don't know what is wrong with me, I don't understand how my mind can pick and choose when to use me. To make me feel the way I do and make me hurt twice as hard.
Carlo rolls over onto his back with his head facing my direction. I look back at him sleeping with the blanket fallen down just above his underwear.
His chest rises and falls in a peaceful pace, I get out of the bed and leave him in the bedroom.
Quietly, I walk over to the couch and sit down turning the TV on. I turn it onto a random channel and sit with my legs crossed and my hands in my lap staring off into the distance.
Sometimes I just want to yell, scream at the top of my lungs. Release the chains of everything that ever hurt me,
Every parent
Every adult
Every song
Every book
Every gunshot
Every cut
Everything
Just let it all out.
As I stare at a certain point in the room with the TV sound in the background, I let my mind wander and my thoughts create and imagine how perfect it would be in the middle of no where.
Dead silent.
I shake my head to try and get out of my little day dream. I turn my head and look over to the kitchen.
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CARLO'S POV:
Cold.
That's what I wake up to.
Coldness.
When I open my eyes the first thing I notice is the missing body next to me and the blanket flipped over.
She normally wakes me up if she's awake.
I get out of bed quickly, letting the blanket fall to the floor. Pulling on a pair of gym shorts I run downstairs and sigh with relief when I see she's watching tv.
Until i notice she doesn't look like she's in the room. She looks like she's somewhere else.
I stay silent and watch her carefully look at a plant in the corner of the room, her head shakes and her head immediately turns to the kitchen.
Adelaide gets up and walks over to the kitchen, I follow behind her and she opens up a drawer where the cutlery is kept and the sharp knives.
"Morning." I blurt out making her jump and turn around. She sees me and smiles.
"Morning." She turns back to the draw and picks up a small spoon.
"What are you doing?" I ask and walk up behind her hugging her close to me.
"Yogurt." She whispers and shuffles over to the fridge, struggling a little since I'm still holding onto her. "I wasn't going to do what you might've thought I was doing."
I let my grip on her loosen. "I wasn't-"
"I know you were." She turns around in my arms opening her yogurt.
"Sorry." I kiss her forehead.
She chuckles. "You don't have to apologise. Are you going to let me go so I can go to the couch."
"No."
We both shuffle on our feet over to the couch where she sits down and I bring her onto my lap.
Adelaide straddles my lap and takes a spoonful of her yogurt, her lips are relaxed into an unintentional pout and her eyes stay glued to her yogurt.
I tickle her right side and she squirms to the right with a smile on her face. "You're beautiful Adelaide." I whisper. She looks at me and gives me a small smile, but I can tell she doesn't believe me.
I glare at her forehead. "Stop telling my wife she isn't beautiful." I pepper her face with kisses and she laughs trying to make me back off. When I do she's holding her yogurt to the side so it doesn't spill and her face is red from laughing.
I cup her face and make her look at me properly. "Beauty isn't in the face. It is a light in the heart." I kiss her lips. "And nothing makes us more beautiful than a real smile that has struggled through tears."
"Yogurt?" She questions holding the spoon up to my mouth.
I open my mouth and she puts the spoon inside, "I know you're trying to get out of this talk." I mumble.
She smiles and tilts her head to the side. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Mhm, okay." I kiss her nose. "Let me say this then." I take her yogurt and spoon before laying her down on her back and balancing on top of her. "You are loved." I kiss her forehead. "You are cherished." I kiss under her left eye. "You are valued." I kiss under her right eye, before lifting up and looking straight at her. "I think the world of you."
I lift up my pinky, "You may conceal your true emotions right now for the comfort of others, but one day, hopefully soon, your smile will be genuine, your eyes will no longer be tired and I'm going to be there very step of the way. I promise."
Her eyes fill with tears and she wraps her pinky around mine, kissing the back of my hand. I kiss the back of her hand and she pulls me into a hug.
"I love you Adelaide. You are so fucking strong."
She sniffs and breathes out a laugh. "You've gotta stop making me cry with your words Carlo. When is it my turn."
I laugh at this and hold her closer.
"I love you Carlo." She whispers into my ear