I'm sorry about this, grab your tissues, get comfortable. I promise it has nothing with Natasha dying. Just read it. It'll be worth it
Your POV:
I threw my things into the duffle bag as Natasha and I continued our screaming match. The anger that consumed me had taken over and I was no longer processing her words, instead I was hurling insults and smart comments at her like a machine gun.
"Your being so childish Y/N!" I scoffed and threw a shirt in the bag "You threw that accusation at me! I didn't throw it at you!" she glared at me "well you had to be doing something with her!" I laughed "you have got to be fucking kidding me. Is this how little you think of me?" she looked at me "I don't think little of you for fucks sake Y/N, I'm trying to figure out what the hell you were doing with her!" I walked to the closet "you keep jumping to conclusions and it's getting real fucking tiring" she looked at me "what the fuck are you packing all this shit for?!" I looked at her "damn your pretty fucking oblivious right now for a spy" she watched me with anger as I pulled down my clothes "quit pulling that card. I'm not playing the guessing game with you!" I looked at her "I can't do this anymore Natasha! not with you" she was taken back "w-what?"
I brushed past her and she followed me "I know were fighting but your just gonna leave? just like that?" I threw the clothes in the bag "I'm sick and tired of the stupid fights. I have told you over and over that there is nothing going on between Wanda and I. You just can't seem to trust me" she grabbed my wrist "wait. Y/N stop" I looked at her "you don't get to do that. I do everything in my power to make you happy, to care for you and give you all my love. I put aside my own shit all the time to make sure your ok and I can't do it anymore. I'm just so tired and I don't have anything left to offer you" she watched me in disbelief and choked out "I'm sorry Y/N" I slung my bag over my shoulder "sorry doesn't fix everything" she watched me "so your just gonna leave? throw it all away?" I swallowed hard and looked up to conceal my tears "I hope someday, Natasha, that you are able to find someone to trust and love more then you did me"
I walked out of the room and grabbed walked straight to the living room. I grabbed my Avengers badge and walked up to Tony then handed it to him. He watched me and I walked past Wanda, she grabbed my wrist and I looked at her "thank you for trying to help with my depression and my PTSD" she watched me and I walked to the door, Steve called after me "Y/N!" I ignored him and left the compound.
I began the process for going off the grid the minute I was in a safe location. Wiping myself from existence. Natasha gave me a reason to live and to try. I lived a life never being trusted by my parents. They were always accusing me of everything and I wasn't about to live like that with Natasha. It made me remember my past too much and I didn't have the courage to explain it to her. After everything she's been through, the shit she's seen. I don't have the right to complain about my fucked up past. I headed to my old apartment. The one I lived in before the Avengers even knew me. I know this address isn't in the system so I would be safe here.
Natasha's POV:
Tony came knocking on my door "Romanoff?" I got up and answered, he was holding Y/N's badge up "what the hell did you do?" I looked at the badge and took it from his hand, opening it and looking at her adorable picture. I remember doing her intake, she was a stuttering mess and was so nervous. I put the badge in my back pocket and looked at him "we got in a fight and she left" he looked at me "well fix it. Fury is gonna be pissed" I nodded and started to close the door when Wanda put her foot in it and looked at me "back up I'm coming in" I looked at her "I'm busy" she laughed "oh you thought I was asking" she walked in "what did you do to her?" I looked at Wanda "what have you two been doing?" she looked at me "what?...oh my god you thought she was cheating?! that is so far from the truth" I tilted my head "then what on earth were you two doing?" she closed her eyes then looked at me "Y/N will kill me for telling you. She's struggling with depression and PTSD. She didn't wanna tell you because you were so busy with missions and she felt like she didn't have the right to complain. All those times she would come out of my room giddy and shit is because I would give her better thoughts so she could be there for you. She was doing it all for you Natasha. And you broke her"
Tears streamed down my face as I mentally beat the shit out of myself. My god she deserves an Oscar for her acting around me. How didn't I pick it up. Wanda looked at me "you better go and fix this" I nodded "do you know where she would've gone?" she shook her head "no, sorry" I nodded and grabbed my computer then started searching for her.
-five months time skip-
Y/N was good, she hadn't used her credit card or driven anywhere there was cameras. I had SHEILD'S hardware running facial recognition twenty four seven. Hoping that she would just fuck up once. I was sitting at the dinner table eating with the team when my phone alerted me. I quickly pulled it out and read that they had found her in Chicago Illinois. I grabbed my things and took a quinjet. My heart beating out of my chest. God what can I say to her? I was such a bitch the last time I saw her. I shook off my nerves and piloted to her location.
Once I got there I put my icer at my back and came off the quinjet. I began my search to find her exact location. Walking around with her picture to find if anyone has seen her. I looked for the places I knew she'd go. Libraries and small coffee shops. She loves plants, my god she has like a shit ton of succulents in my room. And I hated them, she named them...all of them. I chuckled to myself and continued to gather information that led me to her.
-One week later-
I walked up to a brick building, it was cute and rustic. Right in the middle of the city. I headed to the number that I had written on my arm from the succulent store. I knocked and there was no answer, I could hear the TV through the door. Knocked again and there was no answer....then I got scared...what if she's hurt?
I took out my icer and unlocked her door with my bobby pin. When I walked in there I saw medication bottles scattered across the coffee table, empty beer and vodka bottles, and packs of cigarettes. I looked over at the couch and Y/N was asleep. Her eyes were sunken in and her hair was knotted and she was curled up in a ball. My heart shattered and I turned the TV down so she could sleep better. I began to clean up her place a little, throwing away the empty bottles and folding her clothes. I walked by her and she was starting to shake, I pulled off my jacket and laid it over her. As I began to walk away her eyes fluttered open and she mumbled "Natasha?" I turned to her "yeah, I'm here" she looked at me and came back to her senses "why are you here?" I sat down on the floor "I've been looking for you since you left" she sat up "y-you shouldn't have" she took off my jacket "you should go" I shook my head "but your not ok" she pulled a blanket over her "I'm fine Natasha" I watched her, she was not fine. I knew she wasn't
Your POV:
I woke up because I smelled her perfume. The perfume that I missed more then anything. But over these five months I have become someone else. I have completely lost the woman I once knew. My day was driven by an array of medications. My functionality depended on the drugs I was taking. Natasha was watching me intently now, she had laughed at my pathetic lie. I curled up under the blanket and she looked at me "Wanda told me why you were always with her Y/N. Why didn't you come to me?" I looked at her " I didn't have the right" she softened her expression "of course you did, I'm your girlfriend and you never stopped being my solnishko (little sunshine)" I looked at her and started to cry "you think it's easy for me to leave you?" she sat back "you were the one who left Y/N" I laughed a little and looked down "I left because I was mad and my mental health was fucking me over, not because I stopped loving you" she furrowed her eyebrows "you still love me?" I played with my hands and looked up "of course I do Natasha....I never stopped"
She watched me then came and gently wrapped her arms around me. Everything in me snapped, the thin ropes that were holding my sobs and pain back had broken and I was now crying in her arms. Natasha's warm familiar embrace made the walls I had built over the last five months come crashing down around me and the constant feeling of heaviness had lifted. By now Natasha had lifted me from the couch and had placed me in her lap. I sunk into her, remembering how I always fit into her body like a puzzle piece and how she always securely held me anytime I was in her arms.
We sat there for what seemed like hours. I breathed in her lavender scent and her shea butter lotion. Her index finger drawing patterns in my back. Her heartbeat was a rhythm that never failed to soothe me. I felt her. All of her. It was like we had never fought, like I had never walked out so spontaneously. It was here in her arms that I was protected, that I was loved, that I was safe. It was here in her arms that I was home.
Natasha's POV:
Y/N's alarm went off, when she didn't make a move for her phone supposed her back with one hand as I leaned forward and grabbed it. It had a name of a medication on it and I grabbed the bottle that matched the name. Y/N was laying on me at this point, her body snuggled into mine. I decided to look up the medication I had in my hand. I was sitting on my phone because it was in my back pocket and I didn't wanna move and startle her. I decided I would use her phone and figure out her password assuming that she had taken my facial recognition off her phone. It was probably something like her birthday or all zeros. I held up the phone and to my surprise my face was recognized and I smiled while looking it up. It was a anxiety medication. I put her phone down and gently rubbed the back of her neck "Y/N? honey" she stirred and mumbled "yeah Nat" I rubbed her back "your meds" she grumbled and I opened the pills and grabbed her water "here" she got out of my lap and took it.
After she put the bottle down she sat on the couch and played with her hands. I sat in front of her "we should talk" she nodded "yeah we really should" I wrapped my arms loosely around my knees "so I'm sorry for accusing you, I had no right. I should've trusted you and I was a bitch" she looked up at me "I'm sorry for leaving and that I didn't tell you. I missed you...a lot. As you can tell I'm a mess without you" she laughed a little as she gestured to the array of medicines and the messy apartment, I chuckled a little too and looked at her "come home" she watched me "a-are you sure?" I nodded "you know I'm not leaving you here" she nodded "yeah fighting it would be pointless" she smiled a little and I smirked "you know it and besides your succulents are so high maintenance" Y/N playfully pushed me "oh shush you know you love George" I laughed "yeah George the succulent is my favorite" we laughed and she looked at me "I got like four more" I laughed harder "ok ok we'll take them" she nodded and I kissed her head "you should shower and I'll pack your things" she looked at me "but my hair...." I waved my hand "I'll brush it out and braid it angel, go" she nodded and began to leave but stopped dead in her tracks then turned back to me "can I kiss you" I smiled and stood "of course you can" Y/N ran up to me and gave me a kiss. I leaned into it and we pulled away after a good couple seconds.
Once she had come out of her shower I sat on the couch and she sat in between my legs as I brushed out the tangles in her hair. Once they were out I began to braid it. I knew Y/N loved having her hair touched so I took my time. Once we had finished she was half asleep. I picked her up and carried her to her room then laid her in bed. I got changed into some of her clothes and laid in bed with her. I felt her cuddle up into me and I positioned ourselves so I could spoon her. She relaxed and started to drift off to sleep. I kissed her temple and fixed the blanket then whispered "I love you Y/N. I never stopped.
I hope you enjoyed! see ya in the next one!
As always: I love you all 3000 and thank you