Criticism spot! :)
Crutchie's POV
When I woke up, Jack was already gone. I assumed I somehow slept through the bell, and I sat up, rubbing my eyes. I stretched a little, but was distracted when there was a knock at the door. I gathered my strength and grabbed my crutch, walking to the door as quickly as I could. I opened it to see Race, and he smiled at me, seeming surprised I had come to the door rather than telling him to come in.
"Morning!" He said, and I moved aside to let him in. He walked in and we both went to sit on the bed, and I started to prepare myself to try moving my hand. "Same as yesterday, alright?" I nodded, smiling.
I went through the same routine as always, but to my surprise, I was nearly able to put my hand in a fist entirely. I looked up at Race in disbelief, seeing that he was smiling.
"I told you that you're getting better!" He said, and I smiled back at him.
"I had no idea I could move it that far," I relaxed my hands, hoping that he'd forget about making me open it.
"Take a second, then try opening them," he immediately said, making my chest feel tight as I knew it wouldn't be nearly as successful. I took a breath and did as he said, and rather than at least getting it as far as yesterday, I barely moved it one bit. "Wait, have you started?" Race asked, and I slowly nodded. "That's okay, it takes time." He tried reassuing me, but it didn't work.
"Where's Jack?" I asked, wanting nothing more than to at least see him before they had to go.
"No idea," Race answered, making my heart drop. "I'm sure I'll see him at the square, I'll tell him to stop by before he heads out, okay?" I nodded, and Race got up.
"He should've been here when I woke up, though," I said, making Race stop and turn back to me.
"It's alright, maybe he had to meet Medda for somethin' and just didn't want to wake you when he got up." I looked back down at my hands, knowing deep down that something was wrong. "I'll see you later," Race left the room, and I was back to being alone with my thoughts.
I waited and waited for Jack to stop and see me on his way out, but he never did, only making me more worried. Instead of dwelling on it, though, I kept assuring myself that he was okay and was with Medda, as Race had said. I worked on walking for most of the day, finally growing too exhausted to keep trying. Because of how tired I was, I laid down, deciding to pass the time by sleeping.
I woke up from the louder fellas getting back as I usually did, part of me hoping that Jack would somehow be in bed when I turned over. He wasn't, of course, and all I could do was continue to sit and wait. I then suddenly thought about how I was basically completely unable to open my hand today, dreading how Jack might react. I looked down at my left hand, feeling unimaginable anger as I did.
Before I knew it I was ripping the wrap off my hand, crying from the pain as I wasn't being gentle at all. I threw it on the floor, staring at my hand for a moment and breathing heavily. I tried to open it, but yet again it barely moved, only making me angrier. I then used my right hand to force my left hand open completely, causing me to scream from just how painful it was. I was no longer simply crying from pain, I was having a full-blown panic attack, letting go of my hand.
I sat there for a long, long time as I sobbed, my hand feeling as though it was on fire. I was praying that Jack would get home any minute, but as it grew darker, I began to worry he wouldn't be home at all tonight.
I had finally calmed all the way down by midnight, my eyelids feeling heavy. I refused to sleep, though, not wanting to miss Jack. There was a knock at the door, and my heart dropped as I knew it wouldn't be Jack, since he wouldn't knock.
"Come in," I said, my voice shaky. Race walked in the room seconds later, smiling kindly as always.
"Hey!" He didn't notice the wrap, walking right to the bed and kneeling down in front of me rather than sitting next to me. "Did Jack stop by?"
"No," I mumbled, not wanting to look Race in the eyes, as he'd notice I was crying.
"Well, he was at the square this morning. He said he might stop by, but probably wouldn't 'cause he didn't want to scare you." I looked at Race now, worried.
"How would he scare me?" I asked, and Race sighed.
"He had some horrible nightmare about his sister, and rather than talking it out with either of us, he left and had a beer or two. He didn't want to risk still smelling like beer." I looked down again, my heart aching.
"Why wouldn't he talk to us?"
"I dunno, I think it's because we both had bad nightmares recently, and he didn't wan to stress us out. That's just a guess, though." He answered, and I nodded, unable to see what else it could be. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah. I'm just tired." I said, and Race finally noticed the wrap on the ground. He looked at it for a moment before looking to my hand, seeing that it was extremely red.
"Hey, what happened?" He asked quietly, and I choked up a little, not wanting to admit what had gone on.
"Uhm..." Was all I could say, still trying my best not to look at him.
"I ain't gonna be mad, it's alright," he reassured me, and I caved.
"I... I got angry about not being able to open my hand, so... I ripped off the wrap and used my right hand to open it all the way." Race stared at me for a moment, only making me more nervous.
"Why did you do that?" He asked, and all I could do was shrug. Race sighed, making sure not to come off as angry. "Have you showered yet?" I shook my head, looking at him. "Okay, well how about you go take a nice, warm shower to get your mind off things, and then I'll wrap it again." I smiled a little, making Race smile back. "I'll come back in say, twenty minutes?"
"Yeah, that'll be good." Race then left the room, and I got up soon after.
I walked into the bathroom and turned on the water, allowing it time to warm up. I set my crutch against the wall and started unbuttoning my shirt, getting distracted by someone walking in. I looked to see who it was, seeing Walter scowling at me.
"You ain't gonna start crying, are you?" He spat as he walked to the sinks, causing me to tense up. "Maybe I should come shower later, I don't know how I feel with you in here." I suddenly gained some confidence, feeling beyond done with him.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, and he chuckled.
"I don't want you getting off to me," I rolled my eyes, wishing Jack was here to punch him right in the face.
"Are you kidding?" This only made him laugh more, in turn making me angrier.
"Wow! I'm surprised that someone like you has the balls to actually talk back," he walked over to me, standing inches away.
"What do you mean by 'someone like me?'" Suddenly, all my confidence was gone, and I was praying that for some reason Race might come in and get him away from me.
"Wouldn't your Dad hit you for talking back?" I went dead silent now, wanting to scream for help. "What's wrong? Was it something I said?" He got even closer to me, towering over me just as my Dad used to do. "God, you really are as pathetic as Scott told me you were."
"Get away from me," I mumbled, nearly at a whisper. He laughed once again, only making me more nervous.
"Bet you regret pissin' me off now," he said, and suddenly everything around me no longer felt like the bathroom in the lodging house. Walter wasn't in front of me anymore, and it was now my Dad, the smell of beer present in his breath.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, wanting to do anything I could to not get hit.
"You should be. Just because I helped you that one time doesn't mean I'll be nice." I stared back at him in absolute terror, my heart pounding.
"Please don't hurt me," I begged, not wanting to get another beating.
"Why shouldn't I? You pissed me off, I should've hit you a while ago," he said, somehow towering over me even more.
"I'm sorry," I repeated, a few tears falling. "Please, just don't hurt me," I pleaded, the smell of beer becoming overwhelming.
"Oh shut the fuck up already!" He yelled, and I flinched back. "Huh, you really are afraid of me, aren't you?"
"I'm sorry," I tried one more time, and before I knew it he shoved me to the ground. Since I didn't have my crutch, I was unable to even try and catch myself, and I screamed out in pain as my foot hit the floor, along with my hand, as I tried using it to break my fall. I started sobbing, trying to back away from my Dad as far as I could. That wasn't too far, though, and my back slammed into a wall as he walked up to me.
"God, you're hilarious," he spat, growing closer.
"I'm sorry," I repeated for the fourth time, and he was once again inches away from me. Because I was on the ground, though, he seemed far more terrifying.
"What happens if I do this?" He asked, kicking my bad foot right after. I screamed again, far louder than the first time as pain shot up my leg.
"Please stop," even though my back was against the wall already, I still tried to move away even more, which he laughed at. Before he could respond, though, there were two people in the doorway, rushing over to us.
"Get the fuck out of here, Walter!" One of them yelled as the other came to my side, and I once again tried to back away despite being out of room. The boy in front of me froze, not getting any closer.
"Race," he said, and the other boy walked to us. I hadn't even noticed that my Dad had left, as I was too worried about the boy closest to me now. "I think it's happening," he said, and the second boy nodded.
"Do you know where you are?" He asked, and I slowly nodded. "Where?"
"Home," I answered quietly, unable to look at one of them for too long before I got worried about what the other might be doing.
"You're at the lodging house, look around you," the first boy said, and I did as he said. It did nothing, however, and I looked back at him, horrified. "See?"
"I don't get it," I said, and I could almost see the first boy's heart shatter.
"Crutchie, you aren't at home," the second boy tried moving closer while he spoke, only causing me to flinch away from him.
"Stop saying that! I know it ain't true!" I yelled, completely ignoring the pain in my foot.
"You aren't home, just look at what's around you. There's sinks, showers-"
"I know I'm in the fucking bathroom!" I cut off the first boy, and he froze for a moment before turning to the one beside him.
"Shit," he mumbled, not looking back at me. "What do we do now?"
"Please don't hurt me," I begged, making them both look back at me.
"We ain't here to hurt you, okay?" The first one said, but it didn't make me feel any better.
"Please," I said quietly, looking to the second kid.
"Okay, Crutchie, you need to trust us." He tried moving even closer, and I pushed away.
"Don't," I tried one last time, and the first kid looked to the other again.
"Let's let him breathe for a while and then we'll come back," he said, surprising me. "Just trust me," the second boy finally stood, the first following. "We'll come back in ten minutes, okay?" I didn't move at all, waiting for them to leave.
Once they had, I felt just a little relieved, and as though I could breathe freely. I sat still for a few minutes before I looked around the room again, finding it odd that there were multiple sinks and showers. A few more seconds went by before I was able to get up, grabbing my crutch and drawing back the curtain of the shower that was running.
I felt confused, putting my hand into the water and being surprised that it was warm, as the water at home was never warm. I turned the shower off, taking one more look at the bathroom, realizing that I must not be at home, as there was no way there would be warm water and multiple showers and sinks. I looked to the door, hesitantly peeking into the hallway, relieved to see that it wasn't the hallway from home. It then hit me where I was and what had happened, and all I wanted now was for Jack to hold me, as I still felt horribly afraid of everything around me.
I walked to the room Jack and I were staying in, hearing the two of them talking as I listened closely. I noticed just how shaky I was as I reached out for the handle, still feeling tears fall every now and then. I took a deep breath before slowly opening the door, seeing Jack and Race sitting on the bed. Since I had opened it so slowly, it took them a moment to realize I was there, and they both immediately shot up from the bed. All I had to do was look Jack in the eyes for him to understand, running over to me and throwing his arms around me. I did the same back, burying my face in his shirt and clutching onto him as though my life depended on it.
"You're okay," he whispered, and I heard Race leave the room as quietly as he could, knowing that Jack was the only person that could continue helping me calm down at this point.
"I was so scared," I said, my voice shaking.
"I know, it's okay," he put his hand on the back of my head, holding me tighter since he knew it helped me feel safer. "C'mon, let's get in bed, I can tell your foot is hurting you bad." I nodded and we let go of one another, walking right to the bed and facing one another as usual. Once he had laid down I moved so I was able to bury my face in his shirt again, and he put his arms back around me.
"I missed you all day," I finally said, feeling him begin to play with my hair.
"I'm sorry I didn't stop by," he began, and my heart ached when I heard how upset he was.
"It's okay, I know why. Just promise you'll talk to me next time instead, please," Jack hesitated for a moment before nodding, kissing me on the head.
"I promise." He took a deep breath, no longer playing with my hair. "What happened?"
"I was getting ready to shower and he came in, and asked if I was gonna start crying," I began, already able to tell Jack was getting angry. "I just ignored him, but then he said that maybe he should shower later because he doesn't know how he feels with me in there."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Jack asked, and I chuckled.
"That's exactly what I said- well, almost," Jack laughed, continuing to play with my hair.
"I was gonna say, you swore?" He teased, waiting for me to go on.
"Yeah yeah," I said, laughing a little more. "But, then he said that he, uh," I choked up a little, thinking about my bullies in school. "Sorry," I mumbled, looking away from Jack.
"There's nothin' to say sorry for, what's going on?" He asked, and I sighed.
"He said something that kids in school used to say to me a lot, I just needed a second." I took a deep breath, looking back at Jack. "He said that... He doesn't want me... Uhm," My chest felt tight, but I wanted to get it out more than anything at this point. "He said he didn't want me getting off to him." Jack tensed up, trying to hide his anger.
"That fucker," he said, taking a deep breath to keep calm.
"I asked him if he was kidding, and he laughed at me, which was when I started to feel like something was really wrong. I mean, at first I thought he was just being an ass, but I didn't like the way he was... Standing, I guess?" Jack nodded to show he understood, waiting for me to continue. "So, he said he was surprised that someone like me had the balls to talk back, and I obviously asked what he meant by someone like me." I had to look away from Jack again, not wanting to see his face while I told the next bit. "He said, 'wouldn't your Dad hit you for talking back?' And I couldn't say anything, no matter how badly I wanted to. Then he went 'What's wrong? Was it something I said?' And got even closer, and was standing over me like I was nothing." I glanced at Jack, seeing the angry, yet concerned expression I expected. "He then said I really was just as pathetic as Scott had told him I was." Jack didn't hide his anger at this point, only making me try to avoid his gaze more.
"Sorry," Jack said, noticing that I was getting upset. "Keep goin', you're okay." He calmed down almost immediately, smiling at me kindly.
"I told him to get away from me, and he laughed again and said 'bet you regret pissing me off now.' That's when everything around me felt like home." I looked up at Jack, seeing that he clearly had a question.
"Can you describe what it's like? It's perfectly okay if you can't, Race told me what it's like for him, but if you're alright with it, I wanna know what it's like for you." I nodded, trying to smile.
"You know when you're having a nightmare, whether it's about your sister or the refuge or somethin', and it feels so incredibly real that you don't think it's a dream?" Jack nodded, listening closely. "It's like that, but in real life. It's really weird. One second, I know exactly where I am, but the next nothing around me makes sense and I'm convinced I'm home. I think the most confusing part of it is with you and Race, but especially with you." Jack was clearly confused, waiting for me to explain. "When I look at Race, I feel okay, but at the exact same time I'm scared. When I look at you, I feel safe, but again I'm still scared. I remember one time during one of those... Episodes, even though I had no idea what was happening, I knew I could look at you for comfort. It's really weird."
"Thank you for telling me about it," Jack said with a smile, making me smile back. "What happened after you started thinking you were home?"
"Right," I began, taking a deep breath. "So, this was actually the first time this has happened, but instead of just not recognizing who was in front of me, I was absolutely convinced it was my Dad. I could even smell the beer on him, that's why I was so terrified." I ignored the tight feeling in my chest, wanting to get the story over with. "I said I was sorry, and he said I should be, and just because he helped me out once doesn't mean he's gonna be nice." Jack pushed my hair back, seeing that I was growing upset and knowing it'd calm me down. "I asked him not to hurt me, and he asked why he shouldn't because I pissed him off, and he should've hit me a while ago."
"God, I hate him." Jack said, and I couldn't help but smile just a little.
"I said I was sorry again and asked him to not hurt me, and he yelled at me to shut the f up, which made me flinch away. He went 'you really are afraid of me, aren't you?' And at this point I had no idea what to do, so I just said I was sorry again." I could tell that Jack was getting angrier, but I ignored it, as I was so close to being done. "He shoved me to the ground and I screamed, since I didn't have my crutch to catch myself so I ended up trying to use both my hands normally. I tried to back away and ran into a wall, and he said I was hilarious." I looked down, my eyes burning with tears. "I just said I was sorry again, and he asked what happened if he 'did this,' which was when he kicked my foot. I said 'please stop,' and that's when you guys came in."
"I'm gonna tell that fucker to stay far away from you." Jack said, no longer messing with my hair. "I'm sorry I wasn't there."
"Don't be," I mumbled, moving closer to him. We went silent and just laid there, and before I knew it I had started crying. Jack noticed, backing up so he could see me better.
"Hey, what's wrong?" He asked.
"I just want to get better," I said quietly, my chest feeling heavy.
"You are getting better, I promise." He reassured me, but it didn't do much.
"I want to stop having those episodes or whatever," I continued, starting to cry harder.
"I know, and you will. It'll get easier."
"They're just..." I trailed off, suddenly feeling annoying.
"They're what?" Jack pushed, looking me in the eyes.
"They're so fucking scary," I finally got out, making Jack worried, as it always did when I swore.
"I know they are, baby. I know." He pulled me in closer, starting to play with my hair again.
"I hate having them, I hate it so much," I continued, rambling at this point.
"It's okay," Jack tried, but it still didn't do much.
"I want to feel like I can fucking breathe for once," my chest suddenly felt even heavier, only making me feel worse.
"I know. It's going to be alright," Jack said, and it finally actually helped. I stayed quiet, focusing on calming down. "It'll all be okay. We're gonna get outta here." I had stopped crying now, and I looked up at Jack, smiling.
"Tell me about our future," I said, making him smile.
"Only if it'll help you sleep, 'cause I don't wanna keep you awake any longer." I nodded, waiting for him to continue. "Well, we're gonna live in a nice house with three bedrooms, so that the kids can have their own rooms. There will be a huge backyard for them, and we'll have our neighbors come over all the time to play cards, and our kids will play together." I loved watching his eyes light up as he spoke, and he noticed this, chuckling. "If you're gonna fall asleep you gotta close your eyes," he teased, making me laugh.
"Alright, alright," I said, moving so my forehead was against his chest like always, feeling him start to play with my hair.
"We'll sit by the fire after the kids are asleep and just enjoy one another's company, and you'll fall asleep while we sit there, and I'll carry you to bed." He grew much quieter now, and I was smiling, already drifting off. "We can play games with our kids and make them feel loved, never letting them feel like they aren't worth it." I smiled even more now, nearly asleep. "And you can hear the rest another time. Get to sleep," he said, nearly at a whisper. He kissed my forehead and we both settled down, smiles on our faces.
(word count - 4086)