Criticism spot! :)
Crutchie's POV
I woke up to find I was being held tightly by Jack, making me smile a little. I closed my eyes again and waited patiently for the bell to ring, listening to his rhythmic breathing. Finally, it rang, waking Jack. He loosened his hold on me so we could look at one another, and as he always does, he pushed my hair from my face, smiling. I smiled back, feeling mesmerised by his stunning blue eyes as the sun rose and lit them up.
"What?" He chuckled, noticing how I was staring at him in awe.
"You're just so beautiful," I said, making him blush right away. "Awh, you flattered, Jacky?" I teased, making him jokingly roll his eyes.
"If you think I'm beautiful, then you'd be blown away by what I'm lookin' at." He smiled some more, and now it was me who was blushing, making Jack laugh some more. "How're you feeling?" He then asked, catching me a tiny bit off guard.
"Good, why?" Jack suddenly looked confused, which in turn made me get confused as well.
"Because of that really, really bad nightmare last night?" I stared at him, seeing that he was getting worried.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," I said, and he pushed my hair back again.
"You had probably one of the worst nightmares you've ever had last night," he explained, but I just kept staring at him.
"I don't remember that," I admitted, only making Jack look more worried.
"You don't?" I shook my head, trying hard to remember. "You woke up and started to freak out, you kept not being able to tell where you were, but then you'd suddenly remember, and then you'd go back to not knowing over and over," Jack looked away from me as he spoke, sounding upset. "You were so terrified."
"I don't remember any of that," I repeated, looking down.
"That's really not good," he mumbled, his expression now looking beyond worried.
"I'm sure it's nothing, it's fine," I then sat up and he followed, his eyes still on me.
"Crutchie I really don't think it's fine," he pushed, but I smiled, trying to calm him.
"Jack, I'm okay. Don't worry, alright?" He still didn't look convinced, making me feel guilty.
"Can I at least ask Race about it?" He asked, and I sighed.
"If it'll help you feel better, then of course." He stood and kissed me on the head, getting ready quickly so we could catch Race on our way to the square.
We waited patiently outside the lodging house, and despite his efforts, I could tell he was still extremely worried about me. He kept trying not to look at me, as each time he did, he'd only get more worried for some reason. Finally, when Race came out, Jack jumped to his feet and ran right over to him.
"Race, I seriously need to talk to you," he said, and I just stood behind him.
"What's goin' on?" Race looked at me for a moment before looking back at Jack, already starting to worry.
"Crutchie had probably one of the worst nightmares he's ever had last night, but doesn't remember waking up or anything." Race stood for a second, confused. "He woke up and was panicking, finding it difficult to understand where he was or what was happening, and it took an extremely long time to calm him down, but he doesn't remember it." Race then looked at me, making Jack do the same.
"Wait- you seriously don't remember anything?" He asked, and I felt embarrassed, shaking my head.
"I didn't think it was a big deal," I mumbled, glancing at Jack.
"Are you feeling okay?" Race continued, and I nodded, staying silent.
"I'm real worried, Race," Jack admitted, which surprised me, as he never liked to admit when he was worried if I was there.
"Look, it only happened once, I'm sure it's nothing." I added, and Race nodded.
"I think you're right," he said, calming down. "If it happens again, then we should worry. We should just calm down and go on with our day." Jack then nodded as well, looking at me.
"Sorry I freaked out," he said, trying to smile.
"You ain't gotta apologize, I understand why you did," I reassured him, smiling. "Let's just get selling, I know it'll help you feel better."
The day then went on as any other, and Jack slowly but surely loosened up. For once, the Delancey's didn't say anything to me, which helped Jack remain calm, rather than making him angry. We had already left to sell and were about to part from Race when I felt his eyes on me, and I hadn't even noticed we had stopped walking.
"Crutchie, talk to us," Jack suddenly said, confusing me.
"What?" Was all I said back, looking at him.
"Tell us what's goin' on," I turned to Race now, feeling disoriented.
"When did we stop walking?" I asked, making the two exchange looks.
"Are you feeling okay?" Jack didn't try to hide his worry, which made me panic, as it felt like he knew something I didn't.
"What's happening?" I asked, my heart beginning to pound.
"Okay let's go calm down," Race suggested, walking into the nearest alley. Jack grabbed my hand and took me down the same alley, and before I knew it the two were back to staring at me with worry. "What's the last thing you remember?"
"Uhm..." I trailed off, trying to think. I could feel Jack grow more concerned the longer it took for me to answer, which only made it harder for me to think. "We were walking, and then all of a sudden we were stopped and Jack said something about talking," the two of them just stared at me for a moment, seeming to be at a loss for words.
"You need to go home," Race got out, making my heart drop.
"What? No way-"
"I'm with Race. I'm sorry, but I'm taking you home." Jack cut me off, sounding colder than he usually would.
"I'm not going home," I continued protesting, backing up a little bit. For some reason my breathing had become very quick, and I felt as though I could burst into tears at any second. Race then said something to me, however I didn't understand a single word he said, and before I knew it everything went dark.
I woke up in the penthouse again, confused. I sat up and looked around, not seeing Jack anywhere, making me both worried and scared. As though on cue, Jack appeared at the top of the ladder, quickly rushing over to me.
"Are you okay?" He asked immediately, his voice panicked.
"What happened?" Jack then looked at me with grave concern, catching me off guard.
"You don't remember, do you?" I slowly shook my head, and Jack pushed his hair back. "You had a bad panic attack and I made you stay home."
"Oh," was all I said, looking down. "Are we playing cards tonight?" I suddenly asked, wanting to change the subject.
"Yeah, but I'm gonna talk to Race before we play. Come down in ten minutes or so." He left down the ladder, and I felt dazed while I tried my hardest to remember what had happened.
The time flew by quicker than I had expected, so I rushed to the lodging house in fear that I was keeping everyone waiting. As I approached the door, though, I could hear Race and Jack talking, making me stop dead in my tracks since I didn't want to interrupt.
"That's three times now, if you count when he didn't realize we had stopped walking and stuff," I heard Jack say, and I couldn't help but eavesdrop.
"I really didn't want to have this be the case, but based on my own past, I know what's happened." Race said, and I listened even closer. "Basically, he's going back on his progress instead of going forward," he finally got out, and my heart plummeted.
"What?" Was all Jack said, reading my mind.
"Rather than getting better and better, he's starting to give up, which I'm absolutely positive he isn't doing on purpose, but you know what I mean. His brain basically shuts down when having panic attacks, and just like when he forgets where he is or who we are, his head is completely ignoring how he feels, which makes him forget what happened." Tears started slowly streaming down my face and I felt sick to my stomach, feeling as though everything I had ever worked for was for nothing.
"What do we do?" Jack asked.
"Well we keep doing what we're doing, but make sure we push him to go forward, even if it starts to overwhelm him." I felt like I was stuck in place, unable to move.
"We just can't tell him that he's going back on his progress, okay? It'll destroy him," I assume Race nodded as silence fell, and I still felt like I couldn't move or do anything at all. "He should be here by now, I'm gonna go check on him." Jack's footsteps then grew closer, and despite feeling like I should either hide or act like I hadn't heard anything, I couldn't. Jack then opened the door, freezing in place once he saw me crying, his eyes wide. "How long have you been there?" He asked, his voice shaky. I didn't respond, and he knew what the answer was to his question.
"Jack? What's going on-" Race stopped dead in his tracks once he saw me, his expression matching Jack's. "Crutchie, what did you hear?" He asked, but I still didn't answer. I took a step back, feeling like I needed to get as far away from where I was.
"Crutchie, please answer us," Jack begged, but I just backed up even more.
"I- I've gotta go," I mumbled, surprising the two.
"C'mon, let's just talk-"
"Please leave me alone," Jack went to step closer to me, but Race quickly grabbed his shoulder, stopping him.
"We'll give you a few minutes and then come back, okay?" I nodded, and the two went back inside.
I turned around and just started walking, unsure of where I was going to go. I knew I couldn't go back to the penthouse, and after a few seconds I realized I could just go back to the alley I had lived in before Jack found me. I went right to it, my chest feeling heavy.
Once I had reached the alley I sat down against a wall, putting my head in my hands and sobbing. It felt as though everything around me was falling apart, and like everything I had thought I was working for had been reset. All I wanted was for Jack to hold me, but at the same time, I didn't want to even see him, as I felt like he was disappointed in me. I sat there for hours upon hours, eventually growing too tired to cry anymore. I laid down on the ground, falling asleep as tears slowly rolled down my cheeks.
Jack's POV
"Let's just go to sleep, he'll be back in the morning," Race said, making me quickly grow angry.
"I'm not going to go to bed when he could be in trouble," I pushed my hair back, trying to calm down.
"I'm sure he just needs time to cool down is all," Race smiled kindly at me, and I finally started to calm a bit as I looked at him. "If he's not back in the morning, then we'll look for him right away, okay?" I nodded, leaving the lodging house without another word.
I didn't sleep at night, as I was far too worried about Crutchie to do so. I kept hoping that he'd climb the ladder at any second, but he never did. The second the bell rang I quickly changed, rushing to meet Race outside the lodging house. When I showed up without Crutchie, I could tell he was now just as worried as I was.
"Okay, where should we look first?" He asked, and I immediately realized.
"I know exactly where," I said, taking off. Race followed close behind me, not questioning me for a second.
My heart was pounding more and more with each step we took, and I tried to prepare myself for how I might react if he wasn't in his old alley. When we turned the corner, he was there, sleeping on the ground. We rushed over to him and knelt down, and I gently shook him.
"Hm..?" He said, rubbing his eyes. I quickly pulled him into a hug, holding him tight against my chest.
"I was so fucking worried," I said without thinking. I let go so he could back up and look at us, and he seemed beyond exhausted.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he mumbled, glancing at Race. "I just... I needed to be alone."
"You don't have to say sorry, you didn't do anything wrong." I quickly responded, smiling at him. "We need to talk about last night."
"I'd rather not," he continued mumbling, now looking down at his hands.
"We should," Race added, and Crutchie shook his head.
"We don't have to. I understand what you were sayin' and I don't need it explained to me. I get it." Crutchie said, surprising me a little. "Let's just go home."
The day went on as any other, except I made Crutchie stay home instead of selling. Once I had finished I grabbed some food and went right home, desperate to see him. He didn't say anything to me as I got home, but he smiled weakly. I walked over to him and handed him half of the food, sitting down next to him.
"You doing better?" I asked, and he nodded. "Good. We're just gonna take tonight to relax, alright?" He genuinely smiled at me this time, making me do the same back.
After we had finished eating he asked to just watch me sketch, and we did just that. I slouched down so he could lay his head on my chest while I drew, and we stayed there for a few hours, not saying anything. I noticed it was late after I finished my sketch, and I looked down at Crutchie, seeing he was asleep. I gently laid him down, making sure not to wake him, and I soon fell asleep myself.
I got woken up a few hours later by Crutchie quickly sitting up, having a panic attack from a nightmare. I sat up with him, gently rubbing his back to calm him down. It wasn't long before he collapsed into my arms, not saying a word.
"What's goin' on?" I asked, and he just shook his head.
"I don't want to talk about it right now, I just want to go back to sleep." I sat still for a moment, debating whether or not I should push him. I decided against it, and I laid back down.
"C'mere," I said, and he shifted so he was against me again, and despite how worried I was, I fell asleep just moments later.
Crutchie's POV
I tried as hard as I could to fall asleep again, but couldn't. Every time I'd close my eyes and begin to drift off, some horrible memory would play, and I'd just wake up in a panic. Thankfully it was never enough to wake Jack, but all I wanted was to get some sleep. The bell eventually rang, and Jack brushed my hair back, smiling.
"How're you doing?" He asked, and I sighed.
"I couldn't sleep," I said, and his smile dropped.
"Why not?"
"Every time I'd start to finally fall asleep a memory would replay and I'd wake up in a panic." I rubbed my eyes, finding it hard to keep looking at Jack.
"Was that nightmare you had really bad?" He then asked, and I nodded. "Well we should talk about it," he sat up and I followed, stretching.
"I really don't want to," I mumbled, feeling his eyes on me.
"If you want to get better then we need to sort out what's goin' on," I looked down at my hands, my eyes burning as tears filled them.
"Is there really a point?" I asked, refusing to look at him.
"What?" Was all he said, his voice quiet.
"There's no point in trying, Jack," I looked up at him, seeing worry on his face.
"Yes there is, don't talk like that." He quickly defended, and I shook my head.
"Why waste your time if I'm not getting better. You could be doing so many other things with your life, but you're sitting here and wasting your energy on someone who isn't getting better." Jack stared at me for a moment, stunned.
"You are getting better-"
"I'm not stupid, Jack. I heard you two, and you know that." Jack took a deep breath, pushing his hair back.
"Okay, I can't explain this to you on my own, so I'm going to go get Race to help me, alright?" Instead of responding, I looked down at my hands again, and Jack left soon after.
I sat there staring at the ground, feeling beyond discouraged to continue. It wasn't long before the ladder shook again, Race sitting across from me while Jack sat beside me. I didn't look up, as I didn't want to see disappointment on their faces.
"Crutchie, just because you're struggling right now doesn't mean that you're not getting better." Race said, making me look at him.
"I'm not struggling," I suddenly felt anger begin to wash over me, taking me by surprise.
"You are, Crutchie," Jack quickly added, "and it's just fine to not be okay. We're here to help you, because that's what friends do."
"Why are you still here?" I asked, and Jack froze.
"What?"
"I just don't get it. If I've apparently given up on myself, then why won't you?" Jack stared back at me, clearly at a loss for words.
"Because you haven't given up on yourself. You're fighting so hard, and that's very clear, and what I said the other night was a bad choice of words. Plus, even if you did give up on yourself, we never, ever would." Race said, his expression one of worry, just like Jack's.
"Look at me," Jack suddenly said, and I did as he said. "I love you more than anything on this entire planet. I love you just as much, if not more than I loved my sister." I could help but smile as he spoke, now feeling guilty about all I had said. "I understand why it's so hard for you to believe me, I truly, truly do, but I need you to just this once believe every word I'm about to say, okay?" I sighed, knowing it'd be beyond difficult to do as he asked. "Please." I nodded, preparing to fight off the instincts that always push me down. "To you, it might not seem like you've made much progress since you've been here, but to us, it's absolutely incredible." Jack then looked to Race, wanting him to add on.
"Remember that first night you and I met? Jack brought you down to play poker, and you didn't say a single word to me all night," I nodded, thinking back to that time. "But now look at everything we've done. You were terrified of the Delancey's, but now you've been able to tell them off, not to mention you can also completely ignore them, something you couldn't do at first."
"Being at your Dad's and the refuge will take you back just a few steps, and that's exactly what we expected. In fact, you're doing better than Race and I had prepared for." I looked down, feeling like I could cry. "Crutch, look at me," Jack put his hand under my chin and gently lifted my head to look at him, making me smile just a little. "You are the most amazing person I have ever met. So many of the fellas have told me that they wish they were closer with you, purely because they like you so much. I know your brain is gonna tell you that ain't true, but you promised to believe me, so fight it off." He joked, making all three of us chuckle. "With getting better, you will naturally take a few steps back now and then. Like that one saying, one step forward, two steps back." I nodded, looking into his eyes while he spoke. "I mean, remember the few steps back I've taken while we've been together?" I then grew confused, shaking my head. "There's been a lot, but the ones I know for a fact that you'll remember are when I got upset about that kid bein' in the refuge, and when you and Race just tried to see if I was doing okay, I lashed out and was an absolute ass, remember?"
"I definitely do," Race teased, making us laugh again.
"Or just a short while ago when instead of talking about what I was feeling with you, I decided to go and get drunk. The many moments like those that I've had are all steps back, but they were needed so I could keep going forward." Jack then looked at Race, clearly wanting him to share some of his own stories.
"I dunno if Jack's ever told you this, but he actually helped me to trust people again, too." I glanced at Jack, smiling.
"I didn't know that," I mumbled, looking back to Race.
"Mhm. I mean, I refused to let him see nearly all of my panic attacks and stuff, but when he did, he'd patiently wait for me to calm down before going on with whatever we were doing. That's why he wasn't totally awful at this when you met him," Jack and I chuckled, making Race do the same. "But there were times that I'd go back just from what some kid said to me or somethin'. Each time that happened, Jack would help me to move forward and continue getting better."
"Crutchie," Jack grabbed my attention again, smiling at me. "I know I've said this already, but I'm gonna repeat it anyway, but I know that it is so, so hard for you to believe what we're trying to say." He took a deep breath before smiling again, making my face begin to feel hot. "But you know that we'd never, ever lie to you. I'm sure it feels like everything you've worked for was for nothing, but it wasn't, and I promise you that. Ready for me to get all mushy?" He joked, making me laugh.
"Uhg, I think I'm the one who needs to prepare," Race teased, only making us laugh harder.
"After my sister died, I truly thought I'd never find anything or anyone who could make me as happy as she did, or who I could love as much as I loved her. But then, I met you. I mean, I love my friends, like Race and Romeo for example, but you make every day worth it, even if you think otherwise." A tear fell down my face while he spoke, but out of happiness rather than sadness. "Have I ever told you about the day I met you?" He asked, and I shook my head.
"I've heard this story a million times," Race joked to lighten the mood, and I chuckled.
"I was walking back from the theatre after I had finished a painting, and I heard a bunch of commotion from just beyond your alley. I stopped to hide, since I was worried it was Snyder, but then I saw you turn the corner, clearly extremely hurt and broken." Jack smiled as he thought about what he was about to say, which made me smile, too. "Normally I would run back to the lodging house and grab Race or someone to help me get you here, and put you in one of the rooms in the lodging house, but something in my head was screaming at me to help you now. I went up to you and you backed away because you were terrified that I was trying to rob you or somethin'."
"That's exactly what I thought," I added, laughing at myself.
"I eventually was able to convince you that I wasn't there to hurt you, and you let me help you home. Every single day until you started selling, I'd always talk about you. I mean, all the time. I was so excited for the fellas to meet you, because you're such a great person to know. Each time you'd sit near me or want a hug, or even just look at me, my heart would begin to pound and I knew that there was something special about you."
"You talked about me to the fellas?" I asked, my face burning.
"Oh, yes he did." Race said, making me laugh. "He wouldn't stop talkin' about you, and even I knew before I met you that there was somethin' different about you to him, as I hadn't ever seen his face light up like it did whenever he'd talk about you."
"I know it doesn't make sense to you, but you make me the happiest I've ever been. I will never give up on you, and I will be here every single step of the way to help you." A few more tears fell as I looked at him, and I sighed.
"Well, what now?" I asked, making the two of them extremely happy that I had believed what they said, allowing me to work on getting better.
"Did writing in that journal help you?" Race asked, and I nodded. "Then I think one thing that'll work well is for you to make sure you write in it every day until you feel ready to not use it as much." I then looked at Jack, wanting to hear what he had to say.
"I think another thing that will help is every time your brain is being an ass, take a step back and think about whether it's actually you talking, or just your asshole Dad." I nodded, looking down.
"After that I say we go from there. We'll see how these two things, along with the other stuff you've used before, work for you." Race continued, and I looked back at Jack.
"How about, instead of selling, we can go to the theatre and you can relax while I paint." Jack offered, and I immediately smiled.
"Really?" I asked, perking up.
"Of course. Let's go," Jack then stood and helped me do the same, and for the first time in a while, I felt at peace.
(word count - 4383)