Nathalie sighed. A wave of exhaustion washed over her. She would be lying if she said that adrenaline wasn't rushing through her veins. Her forehead, her hair, drenched in sweat. Her gloves, clingy to her skin, suffocating it. The blue plastic had turned into a deep purple, drenched in the blood of her friend. What the hell was she going to do? She couldn't fail in this. Failing wasn't an option. She had two more people to save. Patients had died in her hands. Again and again, and each time she delivered the news to the relatives, but it wasn't like this time.
This time, she knew Anya. What she'd been through. She was her friend. Anya was that one precious friend that Nathalie never had. She couldn't fail in this. Nathalie removed her gloves and thoroughly washed her hands before putting new, sterilised, blue gloves. She walked into the room. She took off her white lab coat, leaving only the blue suit beneath. She wouldn't be able to handle all that stress, all that sweating and anxiety whilst wearing extra clothes.
She sat on the stool next to Anya's bedside, and watched her rhythmic breathing. She reached out to Anya's limp hand, and held it in her own, feeling the cold on her skin. The blue suit that she was wearing was still drenched in blood and she had no time to change it. Anya's blood . She felt the exhaustion washing over her again and she wondered – how the hell was she going to do this? She told that to herself, today, when she was informed by Zeke that he was bringing Anya to the hospital. Nathalie had taken a moment and stared at the mirror as she thoroughly washed her hands for another surgery. She had told herself that this was going to be another day as a doctor.
But this wasn't just one other delivery that she had to run. It wasn't just one other day in the hospital. She had never run such a delivery. She couldn't let Anya die. She couldn't let that precious little life inside of her die. She couldn't let anybody die today. Not on her watch . It always made her a wreck when her patients died in her hands whilst she knew if she was better, she could've saved them. But Anya – she knew Anya. She was attached to Anya in a way that she couldn't explain because she had little to no experience when it came to friendships and interactions with other people. But Anya was important. She had given a promise to save her life. She had promised to Levi, to Anya, to herself , that she wasn't going to fail this time. She knew Anya could hear her.
"Anya," Nathalie gave Anya's hand a gentle squeeze. She kept her voice low as she held back her tears. She had to keep her composure. As a doctor she was expected to be emotionless – to have that strong mask on her face whilst she performed what she knew best. Nathalie gritted her teeth and blinked those useless tears away. She had to get it together . "Anya, please. We... we can't do this. He can't do this. I can't do this,"
She looked at the peaceful face on her unconscious friend. She almost looked serene, laying there with her long eyelashes accentuating her closed eyes, and her hair falling softly to the sides of her shoulders. No. She knew death was more bearable than living. But by God, she needed to wake up. She needed to help her deliver the baby. She needed her to stay alive. Just stay alive. She had things to do. She was a mother, a wife. After so long, she had just found her happiness, and now, she was going to leave? Just like that?
Nathalie swallowed as she stood up. "Wake up!" She growled. Her fingers clenched around her own. "C'mon! I know you can hear me! I know you're exhausted. I know you want to rest but you can't rest, cause you're not done here!" She cried out. She couldn't help it. She wasn't going to allow her friend make the biggest -and possibly her last- mistake in her life. "We need you to wake up! Please, we can't choose... He can't choose, how does one choose between these,"
Nathalie could feel the tears begin to slip down her cheeks, as she looked from the heart monitor to the nurse who was changing the pad underneath Anya - soaked in blood.
"I can't... I can't let you die, please... you're important... a- and I can't let your child die, I can't fail in this..." Her voice was increasing in volume, raspy as she begged for her to wake up.
She couldn't let her die. No one is going to die. She kept repeating this to herself. She kept telling herself that there was no way she could allow this. She couldn't bear Anya's life or her child's life onto her shoulders. She could bear anybody else's lives but not theirs, dammit . Not theirs .
"WAKE UP!" she finally shouted, and a second later she heard that loud beeping noise, signaling that Anya was yet again, slipping away. "Fuck!"
Anya felt electricity course through her veins, as she took a deep breath in. The air was clean, fresh. She smiled as she breathed in again, this time through her nose as she took in the scent of the place she was in. It smelled like fresh cut grass, and flowers. She didn't want to open her eyes, no - she'd rather lay here all day, considering she wasn't in any pain.
"Anya,"
The voice was familiar. It was odd - Anya felt like she could recognize the person and yet not know who it was at the same time. It was soothing, and almost comforting. She fluttered open her eyes, and looked up at the person who was speaking. She couldn't believe it.
After all this time. After all those years of struggling alone and hoping that her mom would be there. Her own sweet, sweet mother that she had lost so long ago. All those times she had wished she was there for her to guide her through this. Through everything that she had been through.
"Mom?" Anya's breath hitched almost immediately after she saw the two women standing there, "A-and... Kuchel?"
"Yes dear," Renate, Anya's mother, sighed softly as she sat in the grass next to her, and pulled her daughter into a hug. Anya wrapped her arms around her mother, and she did the same. They sat there in each other's embrace, as Anya softly sobbed and Kuchel sat on the other side of her. "I'm so sorry..." Renate sniffled as she buried her face in her daughter's shoulder. "I left you, my sweet girl,"
"I didn't expect to see you so soon," Kuchel rolled her eyes. "But of course, Kenny came and told us you were going to be back,"
Anya looked around, and there was no denying it - this wasn't a dream. She could feel the grass beneath her - soft and wet. She could feel her mother's arms wrapped around her, and the warmth of her touch. She could feel Kuchel's hand resting on her back, as she let go of her mother and turned to hug her as well, "Where am I?"
She watched as the two women looked at each other, locking eyes for a moment before they both sighed and looked at Anya. "Renate, we need to tell her," Kuchel spoke softly.
Anya's mother shook her head, and placed her hand tenderly on Anya's cheek as she let out a sob. "My darling little girl, you've grown so beautiful,"
"Mom, where are we..." Anya was scared for the answer, and wasn't entirely sure she wanted to know where they were. Silence hung in the air, and after minute by minute of silence, Anya spoke again, "I- Is this a dream..."
Kuchel shook her head and looked down at the grass before lifting herself up and on to her feet. "Do you want to see?" Anya swallowed, she wasn't really sure whether she did want to see, and what, but her mother wouldn't respond to her questions as she sobbed into her hands, so Anya reached her hand up towards Kuchel, who helped her stand on her feet. "I - I'm guessing you want to see him first, right?"
Anya nodded. She had a feeling she meant Levi. He was Anya's husband, but he was also Kuchel's son. She could only imagine the pain Kuchel would feel if Anya was correct, and Levi was likely to be a mess right now. She could only hope her babies made it, so that he wouldn't be alone. Her mother stood up, and took hold of Anya's hand
"Follow me," Kuchel said as she let go of Anya's hand, and led her to a small clearing. Before Anya could reason as to what was happening, she could see Kuchel standing next to her on one side, her mother on the other, as they stood just outside the door of the hospital room Anya understood she was likely to be inside of.
Levi was sitting on the floor, knees to his chest and tears running down his face, with Zeke slumped against the wall next to him. Armin, standing on his opposite side, arms crossed with his head back as he stared at the ceiling. Anya dropped to her knees in front of Levi, and tried to wrap her arms around him, as her arms passed right through his body.
"I- I can't lose her," Levi started, looking towards the door, "I can't lose her, I love her,"
"You're not going to lose her," Zeke turned and looked at the man, that at this point he could call his friend. "Levi," He pressed a hand down on his shoulder urging him to turn and look at him. He could see the desperation in his eyes. The tears that just kept dropping. "Listen to me, if I know Nat well, she is not going to allow herself to fail in this. She is not going to let Anya die,"
"What if she has no choice? What if I lose them both?"
"You're not going to lose anybody today. Do you hear me?" Zeke gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze and Levi just sighed and shook his head, and allowed it to roll back against the wall.
Anya couldn't hold back, she slammed her hands on either side of him, hoping to let him know of her presence, watching him. "Levi, I'm right here!" But of course he didn't hear her. He couldn't see her even though she was standing right in front of him. And deep down she knew that he wasn't going to see her, because she was gone. Deep down she knew it. This was the last time she was seeing him.
"Oi, Zeke," Levi turned and looked at the man. Only now was he realising the pain he had put Nathalie through when he killed Zeke. "How does it feel? Dying?"
Zeke let out a large sigh. "Well... I guess it's... peaceful. I had to watch Nat cry alone for months for me... and I could do nothing about it but wait," Levi let out a strangled sob and he buried his face in his hands. "Hey," Zeke drew his attention again. "I think she's watching you now. Do you think that if she did she wouldn't come back to you?"
Levi shook his head. It was all so damn unfair. After this all, after everything that they had been through, and still, that small, little taste of happiness that he had, it was about to be snatched away from him, and for what? They had done nothing to deserve this.
"I just don't understand why . Why did she have to be taken away from me too?" Levi spoke, his voice shaky, and Anya could see the tears coming from his eyes. "I just... I love her, and I need her. I can't do this alone, I can't be a father without her,"
"You- you won't be alone!" Anya screamed, as she felt Kuchel reach for her hand and give it a light squeeze, her mother repeating the action with her other hand, as Anya was brought from her knees down to sitting, looking at the scene unfold in front of her. "You-" Her voice was weak, pained. "You'll have Nat, a- and Zeke and your brats, and Annie and Armin... y- you'll have me,"
"He doesn't have you, dear," Kuchel said through her own tears, "You... You're going to..."
"No!" Anya cut her off. "I'm not going to leave him too. Everybody has left him. You, Kenny, countless of his friends. Not me,"
Renate spoke up, "But sweetie-"
"No mom, I'm not going to... I can't," Anya responded. "I won't. I don't care, there has to be a way..."
"There's not," Kuchel sobbed out, "There's no way back, we tried..."
Anya snapped her hands back from Kuchel and her mother. "Then you two didn't fucking try hard enough!" She growled, and looked towards the door. Her body passed through it effortlessly, and she saw her body, laying there.
Completely still, the line that was supposed to be her heart rate gone flat, and Nathalie to the one side of her, directing nurses performing CPR while she waited on another adrenaline shot to be brought to her,
"Goddamn it, Anya!" Nathalie screamed. "Stay with me, for fuck's sake!"
Anya looked back towards her mother and Kuchel, "I'm dead..."
They both nodded in response, and Anya passed back through the door and into the hallway. She watched, as Levi heard the beeping monitor's rhythm change when a nurse walked through the door to get the adrenaline and an AED. He sprung to his feet, and as quickly as he moved, Armin and Zeke were on him, holding him back and restraining him while he fought back against them and screamed. His fists clenched as he tried to break free from the hold of both Armin's and Zeke's grasp. He shouted her name. His tears spilled on the floor. For once, he felt powerless. He could protect her from everything. Soldiers and titans, and a battalion of enemies and armies could come for her. He could protect her from everything, but not death. How the hell was he supposed to fight death? He wasn't prepared for that no matter how long it had been since they realised that one day she was going to die.
How does one prepare for that?
Anya let out a strangled sob, as she reached out and touched his face, even though she knew he couldn't feel her there. He couldn't see her. "I'm sorry," She whispered to him, and she let out a sob as she crashed to her knees after she passed through him. She looked from her mother, who was crying at her side, to Kuchel, who was watching her son as she wept.
"This is what it's like," Kuchel said as she turned her attention to Anya. "we've been watching everything that happened to you kids, unable to stop it, unable to intervene,"
"For thirty-one years," Renate added. "We watched every time that bastard laid a hand on you, and everything he went through too,"
"We watched every time he cried, and every time you tried to come join us," Kuchel added "We watched you two mourn each other and never know how close you really were,"
"Every time you two prayed for each other's safety, we heard those prayers," Renate said with a soft smile. "But we couldn't do anything, nothing at all, but listen,"
Kuchel brought Anya into a hug, and held her there for a lingering moment, "You can't help it dear, this is how it is. If we can find a way back for you, if that Burgess woman can save you..."
"I- I can't..." Anya stuttered out, tears slipping down her cheeks as she felt like a helpless, weak child, "I can't leave him too,"
Kuchel wrapped her arms tighter around Anya, and smiled softly at her in spite of the tears that were pouring from her own eyes. "You'll always be watching over him too,"
"Oh God, stop being so dramatic," Kenny's voice echoed next to Anya's ear, and she turned around quickly to see the man standing there with his hands in his pockets. "Yeah, yeah, watch over your loved ones and all that," He rolled his eyes, and moved to kneel in front of Anya. "Women, am I right? Now, Anya - Don't listen to these old hags, you're the strongest girl I've ever met," Anya could feel as Kenny reached out his hand, and gently touched her face - wiping away the tears that were there. "Don't you quit on him now, little one,"
Anya wiped her tears away with the sleeve of the dress she was wearing, no longer stained in blood - now a pristine, clean white. "Kenny, what do I do," She wept, and crashed her body onto his, as his arms wrapped around her. "How do I get back to him, to them..."
He reached one hand behind his back, and gently massaged the back of his neck while the other hand slipped around Anya's back. "I don't know," He frowned, and gently rubbed the hand on her back. "But, I believe in you. You never let anything stop you before, now did you?"
Anya shook her head, and pulled her head back to look at the man in front of her, "But this... this isn't just finding him out in the world... this isn't me being stubborn... this is... this is death,"
"May death never stop you, my dear," Kenny grinned, and before Anya knew what was happening, the scene in front of her faded, and gave way to darkness.
"Levi, you need to choose her!" Zeke's voice bellowed through the hall of the hospital. "Quit your shit, and tell that fucking nurse you choose your wife!"
"I- I can't... the... baby..." Levi stuttered out, sobbing as he looked at Zeke, who along with Armin, had managed to calm him down enough to get him to sit in a chair, instead of on the ground. They had all heard that long, drawn out noise that signalled to them that Nathalie was hard at work saving Anya, yet again. The noise that told them that her heart once again gave out - and this time, her body couldn't take much more adrenaline. It couldn't take more of anything. She was weak, and she was fading fast.
The door cracked open, that drawn out beep still ever present as they heard Nathalie's shouts to her team. The small nurse that came out, looked like she was as white as a ghost, "M- Mr... Mr Ackerman..."
Levi looked at her, and their eyes met. He saw the sadness, the compassion in her eyes. Somehow, he knew he was out of time. He had to make the choice, and he had to make it right then.
"Mr Ackerman... D- Doctor Burgess, she said she needs to know ri- right now..."
"LEVI!" Zeke shouted, and got on his knees to face him. "You need to choose Anya, do you fucking hear me?"
"Trust Zeke," Armin chimed in, his voice pleading. "Please - just trust him,"
Levi looked down, unable to make eye contact with either of the two men or even the nurse that stood in front of him, as he let out another pained sob. "I- I can't..."
"Please, Levi, trust me," Zeke spoke softly, trying to convince both Levi and himself that it was the right choice. He knew exactly what he would do in the same situation.
"I can't..." Levi stuttered out. "I- I can't have her hate me..."
Zeke sighed, "Levi, its Anya - she'd never hate you..."
"I know but... the..." Levi started, quickly being cut off by Zeke.
"You have two babies! You only have one wife!" Zeke reasoned. "For fuck's sake man, you really think you're going to manage your kids without her?"
"But-"
"Stop!" Armin ordered, remembering the promise he had made Hange years prior, he couldn't believe he was about to do this. He couldn't believe he was about to use his rank and hold it over his Captain's head. "No. No more of this shit, Levi, as your Commander, I command you to choose to save your wife!"
Zeke turned, and looked at Armin, arching an eyebrow.
"What...? Hange said I could," Armin murmured. "L- Levi, do it... save your wife."
Levi stood up, and wiped the tears away from his face as he looked at the nurse. "Please tell Doctor Burgess to do whatever she has to, to save Anya..."