Dear Journal,
It's getting bad again.
The thoughts. The voices.
They have been for three days now, ever since we got back from the ice cream shop four days ago. But something tells me this time it's going to be much worse than the last.
I don't want to get used to the numb feeling alcohol gives me. I don't want to get used to the feeling of relief when my blood drips to the floor. I don't want to feel comfortable in the darkness that death created for me.
I don't want it to feel good when I don't eat. I don't want my hopes to vanish like the smoke I replace my oxygen with.
But, I need the booze running down my throat to numb the pain. I need the blade, so that the red fluid can fall to the floor and my mind can get a break from this shitty reality.
I really hate all my needs.
Amore, xx
Today, I will be going to another parents funeral.
Not that I want to. But hey how many funerals can someone attend before they turn nineteen?
I can just add Santiago to the list.
I'm also being forced. Yes literally being forced. I was woken up extra early and dragged out of bed by my ankle.
Santiago's body isn't even going to be in the casket! He blew up.
But, when I was laying on the floor after getting dragged I had an epiphany. I will not wear the black dress chosen for me to wear to this funeral.
No, no. I will be wearing the red dress I want to wear, I don't want to feel as if he is still forcing me to wear the clothes he wants me to wear. So just to piss off Father dearest I'm doing what I want.
"ADELAIDE COME ON!" Carlo's voice sounds through the bedroom door.
"Leave without me. I'll meet you there!" I shout back.
There's a few moments of silence before he speaks again, "Can I have a kiss then?"
I roll my eyes and walk towards the door, opening it and only sticking my head out of the door. I pucker my lips up and peck his lips quickly before I close the door on him again.
"I LOVE YOU!" He shouts.
"I LOVE YOU MORE, BITCH!" I shout hearing him chuckle on the other side of the door.
I go over to the mirror and add red lipstick to my lips. I have fake lashes on and that's all because I feel too lazy to do anything else.
I quickly straighten my hair and brush my fingers through it. Once I put the dress on I stand in front of the mirror and stare at the girl looking back at me.
I look into their eyes. Tired, miserable eyes, they look different. Full. The smudges on the mirror seemed to point out their flaws, I looked closer. My finger poked at the bags that lay underneath. This isn't me. I'm brighter than this,
Lighter.
Happier.
My eyebrows furrow up and I step back once I've realised, it is not the sleep I need, when it's my mind that is tired.
Is this what hitting rock - bottom feels like?
Have I lost myself?
Again?
Stop thinking like this.
I take a deep breath and make sure my thigh holster is tightened and my guns aren't noticeable. I grab a red lolly pop and unwrap it whilst walking out of the bedroom.
I walk down the stairs and outside to one of the cars.
Let's get this over with.
****
---
CARLO'S POV:
"Where is Adelaide?" Mom whispers into my ear for the hundredth time.
"Do I look like I know?" I stare at her whilst biting my nails, in retaliation Mom slaps the back of my head. "Sorry." I mumble rubbing my head.
I look around once again in hopes to find my love but she is nowhere to be seen, half of the room is filled with the Rivera's and the rest of the room is the Knight's.
"Go look for-" before she can finish that sentence the doors of the private house for our Mafia funerals slam open against the walls.
Everyone turns to look at the doors and the room falls silent as the sound of heels clicking against the cold tiled floor echoes around the room.
Turning my head I look to see Adelaide in a red dress with small details around the bodice and a little on the rest of the dress. There is a small trail leading behind her and her long, straightened dark brown hair cascades down her back, and her full, plump lips are painted a type of red that makes you stare longer at her mouth.
If this is how she's going to enter the venue at our wedding, i don't know how I'm going to act.
I watch as she stands still for a second and pulls a red lollipop out of her mouth, her eyes land on me and she walks towards me with the whole room still silent watching her.
"Hello." She waves to me, I stand up from my chair and smile at her.
I wrap my arm around her waist and bring her close to me, making my lips brush against her ear. "Love the entrance, amore mio."
(my love)
"Thank you. Took me a whole thirty seconds to come up with." She smiles when I pull back to look at her fully.
I take her hand in mine and sit her in the chair next to me, Adelaide crosses a leg over the other and slouches slightly putting her lolly back in her mouth. Her hand intertwines with mine and she rubs her thumb on the back of her hand.
My eyes never leave Adelaide as her head turns to the side to see the family she shares the last name with, she holds her opposite hand up and wiggles her fingers at them. "How are you doing?" She asks.
A few of them glare at her whilst some stare blankly at her and then there's a group that stare at her hungrily.
I'm going to kill them.
A priest comes to a platform and starts to talk, Adelaide's head lolls to the side so she looks at me and sighs annoyed.
"You forced me to do this." She whispers, pointing an accusing finger in my face.
"I had to." I shrug nonchalantly.
"Idiot." She mumbles.
I smirk at her and face the front where the empty closed casket is and where the priest is standing talking about some nonsense about how Santiago was a good man. Blah blah blah.
I lean my elbow on the opposite side of the chair from Adelaide and rest my chin in the palm of my hand. She lets out a small sound and I look at her to see her nose scrunched up lightly and her hand covering her mouth slightly as she lets out a long yawn.
Adelaide settles down in her chair, slouching further, and closes her eyes as her head rests on the back of the chair. "Wake me up when I get to talk." She whispers to me.
I hum in response and struggle to keep my own eyes open as there's more talking and a few people go up to talk about Santiago.
When it's time for Adelaide to talk I shake her lightly and kiss her head to help her wake up.
"Baby?" I whisper.
------
ADELAIDE'S POV:
"Baby?"
My eyes open slowly and I see Carlo staring at me with a light smile on his eyes. "You don't have to talk." He tells me.
I sit up a little more and stretch for a second. "Nope I want to." I get up out of the chair and walk up to the platform in front of everybody.
I lean on my arms against the little podium and look over to the side that was supposed to be my family and protect me.
Because that's what family is supposed to do, right?
"Hello. As you know Santiago was my.... My-"
What do I say?
That he was my rapist. My abuser. My reason to die. My enemy.
"Santiago was my Boss." I settle with. "He was there when I shot my first bullet, when I was on my first mission, when I got shot for the first time. He taught me what to fear. As when my mind began to grow and my soul ventured outward, I saw the twisted knot of lies he kept around me. And as I struggled to untie these knots and make him see the pain he caused. I realised he wasn't there to watch me grow, but to watch me fall. You may think he was some amazing person, and I'm glad you got to see that side of him because I didn't. I saw the monster in him."
The room stays silent and I take a deep breath whilst fiddling with my hands. I look up to see everyone's eyes on me, I fake a smile and lean my elbow on the podium, resting my head on the palm of my hand.
"So this was fun. Can I go home now?" I question still smiling innocently. Carlo's chuckle sounds around the room and I watch him stand up holding his hand out.
I step down off the stage and take my hand in his, we walk hand in hand over to a small table with a few papers on it. "We have to sign these before going to the 'Wake' then we can go home." He whispers in my ear.
I roll my eyes and groan in annoyance, we stop at the table and an older man walks over to us. "I'm Francesco." He holds his hand out. "Your father and I were friends."
I look down at the man's hand blankly and leave him hanging, when he pulls his hand back I look down at the papers and read them.
"This is the wrong paper." Carlo announces behind me.
The papers talk about how Carlo will take over both Mafia's, so what does he mean they're wrong?
"You two aren't engaged or married so what we discussed can not be issued." Francesco says.
"We want the other papers. Now."
Francesco nods his head and goes into a black case pulling a file out, he places it into my hand and I notice how it's much more chunkier than the other one.
As I open it and read the first paper I skim read quickly and slow down towards the end where spaces for two signatures are. My eyebrows furrow and I turn to Carlo. "We're going to run them together?"
Carlo smiles his pearly white smile and takes the files and a pen signing on his half and does the same to three others. When he finishes he passes me the pen. "Together." He kisses my nose and I turn to look at the papers.
The pen slowly moves against the paper and as I lift my hand the page gets turned and I sign all the ones that need to be done.
"I just wanted to say." Francesco says, "You're father was a good-"
Before he can finish the sentence I put my hand up in his face. "Mhm. Okay." I laugh, looking up at Carlo. "Please can we go home and skip the wake?"
Carlo smiles and places a kiss on my lips, "We have to do something first."
The two of us walk back to the centre where everyone is standing up watching us.
After all Carlo and I are now Mafia Boss's.
Together.