BLURB:
What happens when a mother abandons her child in order to focus on her dreams? When she decides to lock away her emotions and be fixed on her goals, she builds up anything she touches...but crumbles down on family orientation. Will she ever learn how to slow down in life?
Kamilah Paisley Maeve, an 18-year-old girl juggling high school. Her father raised her and he was the only family she knew of. However, fate decides to play a little game with her when she finds out that the person she looked up to the most, her role model, Uncanny Valley, was her mother.
°°°
We sat back to back, hands on either side of us. Fingertips almost touching. 'Yes, maybe not today or tomorrow. But someday soon, we will be okay.'
***
YOUR COVER: (4/10) Your cover itself seems to be separate from the title. From looking at it, it feels like the image used and the words used are two separate things, when they should be artistically put together to seem as one. While the image used has a connection to the theme of your story, it's vague enough that it could pass as a cover for another story. It's hard to tell the genre or the story from the cover, so it doesn't seem suited for your story. I suggest finding a new cover. There are many fabulous cover shops featured in my reading list for you to check out!
YOUR TITLE: (4/10) The title has a loose connection to your story. However, I feel that you played it safe while choosing this title. There are other stories on Wattpad with the same title of varying genres, from Kpop fanfics to romances to horror/thriller stories. This title doesn't do a great job at representing your genre or your story. I suggest searching for a title unique to only your story. How can you come up with a creative, original title? If you're struggling with finding something to base it off of, it could be a specific person, location, object, or repetitive phrase used throughout your story.
YOUR BLURB: (4/5) I found no grammar errors in your blurb, and I got a good grasp on the concept of your story from your blurb. The excerpt used at the bottom has a nice note of finality to close the blurb, and there was no excess of information (or lack of information) presented. However, I feel that you could improve on the structure of your blurb. Your writing is advanced enough that you can experiment with how to make a certain impact on a potential reader or to use interesting diction to pull someone in. You can also shorten/combine sentences to shorten the blurb while keeping the same information. This is optional, of course, but by incorporating writing techniques as mentioned above, you can have a better first impression on your audience.
YOUR HOOK: (2/5) Right from the start, I found several grammatical errors in your writing, and certain places where a new paragraph should have been started. Additionally, the hook had no great impression on me. It was a lukewarm start at best and invoked no strong feelings or interest within me. You were rather abrupt with your transitions, and you could expand on certain dialogues or actions. For example, Kamilah's dad becomes severe when she mentions Uncanny Valley. Instead of describing her feeling sad, elaborate more. She could be feeling confused, and maybe she remembered past incidents where her father reacted in a similar way. You included the very minimum in your hook, and by incorporating stronger diction, expanding more on your descriptions, and setting the mood for your story, your hook has the potential to leave good impressions on your readers.
YOUR GRAMMAR: (3/10) You struggled with your punctuation and capitalization with dialogues. If your dialogue is accompanied with a dialogue tag (he said, she yelled, they shouted, describing the way someone says something), the dialogue tag is a continuation of the dialogue sentence. For example, it doesn't make sense for the clause, "She said," to be a sentence by itself. Therefore, it's part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue should end in a comma to indicate that the sentence isn't complete, and the start of a dialogue tag is not capitalized, as it's not the start of a new sentence. The opposite goes for action tags. If your dialogue is accompanied by an action tag (she grinned/he sighed/they walked away, basically an action), the action should not be part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue doesn't help the action tag make sense; the action tag should be a sentence by itself. Therefore, the dialogue should end in a period to signify the end of the sentence, and the start of the action tag should always be capitalized, as it's the start of a new sentence. Of course, the punctuation may vary. Exclamation marks and question marks can end a dialogue regardless of the tag accompanying it, as long as if it's a dialogue tag, the dialogue never ends in a period, and for an action tag, it never ends in a comma.
Example of dialogue + dialogue tag: "'I'm okay,' she said." OR "She said, 'I'm okay.'"
Example of dialogue + action tag: "'I'm okay.' She forced a smile." OR "She forced a smile. 'I'm okay.'"
You had a lot of comma mistakes. Keep in mind that commas are used to separate different clauses within a sentence, whether they're independent or dependent. An independent clause has a subject (who/what is doing the action) and a predicate (the action being done by the subject). Oftentimes, a sentence has two independent clauses, joined together with a conjunction. In the sentence, "I cried then Billy ran away," there are two independent clauses here. One is, "I cried," and the other is, "Billy ran away." Both have a subject and a predicate, and they're joined together by the conjunction, "then." Because of this, the two clauses still need to be separated with a comma, the correction being: "I cried, then Billy ran away."
Dependent clauses are just like independent clauses: they also have a subject and a predicate. However, dependent clauses are exactly like what they sound like; they're dependent on another clause. They don't make sense by themselves. For example, the clause, "I decided not to," has both a subject and a predicate, but it needs more context to make sense. There should be another clause attached or a sentence before it that it depends on making sense. When joined to another clause with a conjunction, the dependent clause should still be separated with a comma as well.
Commas are also used to separate an introductory phrase or word before the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause is "I went to work," where the subject is "I," and the predicate/action is "went to work." The word "today" is not included in the clause, and therefore should be separated with a comma. The correction would be: "Today, I went to work." This is a lot of information to take in, but try to keep these rules in mind for the next time you're writing.
I noticed the amount of comma splices used as well. A comma splice is joining two different independent clauses together, and separating them with a comma, but not a conjunction. An example of this is: "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two different independent clauses, "I went to work" and "I drove in my car." They both have predicates and subjects, and are separated with a comma. However, you must separate them with a conjunction as well. Without a conjunction, this turns into a comma splice. You have two options in this case. You can either replace the comma with a period and turn it into two different sentences, or add in a conjunction. In this case, the correction can be, "I went to work, and I drove in my car," or "I went to work. I drove in my car." You have many cases of comma splices in your writing, which I've pointed out for you. There were many that I haven't pointed out, so make sure to do that.
You often slipped up in your tense. Whether your story is set in past or present tense, you need to pick one and stay in it. If you're in past tense, you should use words such as "didn't" and "wanted." If you're writing in present tense, you should use, "don't" and "want." I've shown a few examples where you slipped up your tense below, so keep this rule in mind for future writing. I noticed that you had unnecessary capitalization, or you were missing capitalization in certain places. The beginning of a new sentence, a certain person, place, or thing, must always be capitalized. The next time you capitalize (or don't capitalize), keep this rule in mind. Titles should always be capitalized unless there is a possessive pronoun in front of them. For example, "Mom" is capitalized when used alone. However, when you say, "my mom," it doesn't have to be capitalized. You were confused with this rule throughout your writing, and you also capitalized unnecessary words, which I've pointed down below.
You also seem to be confused with how to separate paragraphs. Whenever someone new begins to speak, a new paragraph should be started. If Sarah and Johnny are having a conversation, and Sarah says, "hey, how are you?" when Johnny responds with, "I'm great!" That should be a new paragraph. That way, your readers aren't confused with who is still talking and who isn't.
YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (2/5) I found several instances where you had misspellings or spelling typos. You also confused several diction choices and definitions. I've pointed out some examples below in your chapter reviews, so keep those in mind when editing your work. You also used repetitive diction and simple vocabulary, so I suggest strengthening your vocabulary. This can help make your story come to life and keep the readers engaged. In the future, if you're confused about a word, make sure to look it up instead of guessing its use. You can also use an online thesaurus to find interesting synonyms for a word.
YOUR PLOT: (11/20) You had many filler scenes and your story pacing was inconsistent. If I hadn't read the blurb, it would've been hard to understand what the conflict was. As your narration wasn't direct, this muddled your plot. I suggest removing any filler scenes or dialogues that don't contribute to the plot. Expanding upon your descriptions and reflections can further strengthen your plot as well. Showing and not telling is pretty important, but you didn't help the readers understand an action or decision, which further contributed to the uneven story pacing. As you jumped around a lot in the story, it was difficult to understand the purpose of a specific scene or character introduced. I suggest keeping the story pacing specific and consistent. Sometimes, it felt as though you were summarizing events from the past, while in other scenes, you were more specific. If a scene is unimportant, there's no need to summarize it. I've pointed out some redundant scenes and dialogues from the chapter reviews below. By removing these, you have a more clear, concise plot with an obvious conflict.
YOUR CHARACTERS: (3/10) I didn't get many descriptions from your characters. All I got were their names before you moved on. I felt that you were trying to show who they were through the scenes following the character introductions, but those scenes were redundant. You should expand upon who they are through important moments. Their decisions and actions in important times can build up their characters and help your audience understand them. It helps to establish personality traits, habits, hobbies, reactions, etc.
YOUR VOICE: (6/20) you had a simplistic writing voice, which made your chapters easy to read. However, this kind of writing style is pretty common, and I've encountered many writing styles similar to this throughout my critiquing career. If you want to add more personality and show yourself through your writing, you can do more reflection in your writing. This helps your readers understand your reasoning and your influence behind your characters. You can also include writing techniques, such as similes/metaphors, figurative language, sensory details, etc. Your writing style included the bare minimum, and a lot of people on Wattpad only include the bare minimum. By adding on these accessories, you can strengthen your writing voice and many readers will stay for the writing, if not the plot/characters.
STORY FLOW: (2/5) As I've mentioned earlier, you hopped all over the place in your narration. Your pacing was inconsistent, and you often summarized events instead of going more into depth. This made the story feel fast in some parts and slow in others. You also had awkward transitions and unnecessary dialogues clogging your scenes, which further dragged the pace. I've included a few examples of redundant sentences/scenes in your chapter reviews, but in the future, when writing, I suggest focusing on slowing down and thinking, Is this necessary to include? Or, Is this unnecessary to the plot? By removing unnecessary information, you can balance out the story flow and remove awkward transitions or scenes that are out of place.
So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to each individual chapter.
CHAPTER 1:
1. In paragraph 3, "daddy" should be capitalized, as Kamilah is referring to a specific person. If there was a possessive adjective in front, then it wouldn't need capitalization. This suggestion applies to paragraph 4 as well. Additionally, when someone new is speaking, a new paragraph should start. When Kamilah responds to her father, saying "But Daddy," a new paragraph should be started. And when he cuts her off, that's a new paragraph as well.
2. "She has a sandy complexion, smooth and more or less caramel-like." (p.5). I don't understand the relevance this has to the context of this paragraph. You could elaborate more. Why is it that her sandy complexion is a drawback to Ms Valley being Kamilah's role model? Additionally, why is "sandy" capitalized? Unless it's specific to your plot or story, I advise against bolding it. If you want to stay professional, you could, instead, italicize it.
3. "I wonder what was the problem. I mean Uncanny is the most successful woman in Brewsfort, who wouldn't adore her?" (p.7). I suggest replacing "the" with "his." Additionally, you're missing some commas and you have tense slip-ups. You also have a comma splice. As a reminder, a comma splice is joining two or more clauses together with a comma, but without a conjunction. To correct this, you can either add a conjunction or replace the comma with a period. I typically suggest the latter, as shorter sentences have clearer readability for your readers. Correction: "I wondered what his problem was. I mean, Uncanny was the most successful woman in Brewsfort. Who wouldn't adore her?" Notice how I restructured the first sentence to flow more smoothly as well. This is optional, but recommended.
4. "It was as if she was crying out for help, but I mean like come on-who on earth, that has succeeded in life have issues?" (p.10). You have misplaced commas here and unnecessary filler words. Correction: "It was as if she was crying out for help, but, I mean, come on—who on earth that has succeeded in life has issues?"
5. "'Kami, how's you doing this fine morning?' He asked one morning in class." (p.11). The dialogue tag is part of your sentence, and the capitalization should reflect that. As it's not the beginning of a new sentence, the beginning of your dialogue tag should not be capitalized. Correction: "'Kami, how's you doing this fine morning?' he asked one morning in class." Additionally, the dialogue is grammatically inaccurate. I'd love to know if this is intentional or not. This also seems to be filler dialogue—how does this contribute to the plot? When Kamilah responds with "okay, I guess," that should be a new paragraph as well.
6. "Everyone around me had either rosey cheeks, fair, tan or pale faces." (p.12). You need a comma here. When making a "list" of "items," all items (except the last) should have commas after them, especially the second-to-last item. This is known as the Oxford Comma. Correction: "Everyone around me had either rosy cheeks, fair, tan, or pale faces." I also corrected the spelling of "rosy."
7. "'Same old story.' I replied. 'You and your scandals.' He retorted, 'You love me anyways.' I joked." (p.13). You have incorrect capitalization and punctuation regarding your dialogue and action tags. Correction: "'Same old story,' I replied. 'You and your scandals,' he retorted. 'You love me anyway,' I joked." Notice how I removed the 's' in "anyways." Additionally, when someone new speaks up, a new paragraph should begin.
8. "Why don't you stand up to yourself Gelo? Be a man." (p.15). I suggest replacing "to" with "for." Additionally, the phrase "be a man" is problematic. It essentially says that men are strong and women are weak, and in a time of crisis, one should act as a man to pull through. I suggest omitting this phrase entirely in this paragraph.
9. "'What is it that you want?' He asked seemingly disinterested." (p.17). You're missing commas here, and this should be one sentence. The beginning of the dialogue tag shouldn't be capitalized, as it's not the beginning of a new story. Correction: "'What is it that you want?' he asked, seemingly disinterested."
10. "that day, our friendship took on a different toll and with that, I also lost my best friend." (p.24). You need a comma, and the beginning of this sentence should be capitalized. Correction: "That day, our friendship took on a different toll and with that, I also lost my best friend."
CHAPTER 2:
1. "'Coming dad!' I screeched throwing my backpack over my shoulder and running downstairs." (p.1). You're missing several commas here, and "dad" should be capitalized, as she's referring to a specific person. Correction: "'Coming, Dad!' I screeched, throwing my backpack over my shoulder and running downstairs."
2. "Excited to start my year as a junior student." (p.2). In paragraph one, you wrote, "Excited for my first day as a junior." This is essentially the same as this sentence from paragraph 2, so I suggest removing the repetition.
3. "He took my backpack and carried it himself along with his. We walked hand in hand to class. We sat on our table and took out our phones while we waited for the teacher to arrive. I sat back and rested my head on his chest, pulling my phone towards us." (p.7). It should be "we sat at our table," not "we sat on our table." Additionally, you have a repetition of starting the sentence with "we" for two sentences in a row. Not only that, you have a repetition of starting a sentence with a proper pronoun for four sentences in a row. I suggest experimenting with your sentence structure to avoid this repetition.
4. "I'm his girlfriend, he should support me even when whatever I'm doing is crazy." (p.9). You have a comma splice here, and you have tense slip-ups. Keep in mind that you're writing in past tense, not present. Correction: "I was his girlfriend. He should support me, even when whatever I was doing was crazy." Notice the comma I've added as well.
5. "After some time his laughter died down, my face? Had a permanent scowl." (p.10). You have misplaced commas here, and your sentence structure is questionable. I suggest restructuring it. Correction: "After some time, his laughter died down. And my face? Had a permanent scowl."
6. "'Both...' he pecked my lips." (p.11.) As "He pecked my lips" is an action tag, it's a separate sentence from the dialogue. The capitalization of your action tag should reflect this. Correction: "'Both...' He pecked my lips."
7. "'Class has commenced.' Interrupted the teacher." (p.12). This should be one sentence. The dialogue tag is part of the sentence, and the punctuation/capitalization regarding the dialogue should reflect this. Correction: "'Class has commenced,' interrupted the teacher."
8. "'Princess,' he quietly said, I hummed in response, turning to face his direction." (p.13). You have a comma splice here. Correction: "'Princess,' he quietly said. I hummed in response, turning to face his direction."
9. "We can start tomorrow, we'll meet at the library at noon." (p.18). You have a comma splice. "We can start tomorrow. We'll meet at the library at noon." Additionally, notice how your sentence starts with a proper pronoun for two sentences in a row.
10. "Angelo nodded, not buying it but simply respected my privacy." (p.18). "Respected" should be "respecting." You also have misplaced commas. Correction: "Angelo nodded, not buying it, but simply respecting my privacy."
CHAPTER 3:
1. "With the spare keys I always carry with me, I opened the front door and no one was home." (p.1). You have a tense slip-up. Make sure to stay consistent with your past tense when writing or editing. Correction: "With the spare keys I always carried with me, I opened the front door, and no one was home." Notice the comma I've added as well.
2. "He was completely mind blocked due to the woman infront of him." (p.2). "In front" is two words, not one. You also need a hyphen here. Correction: "He was completely mind-blocked due to the woman in front of him."
3. "He had been waiting for hours just to have a talk to her." (p.2). You have unnecessary filler words here. Correction: "He had been waiting for hours just to talk to her."
4. "She was seated behind her mahogany table looking like the boss of an underground drug trafficking ring. Well, she was minus the drug trafficking thing. Or could be both. 'I really do not understand what the deal is here Michael.'" (p.2). You have misplaced commas here. You're also missing some filler words. Correction: "She was seated behind her mahogany table, looking like the boss of an underground drug trafficking ring. Well, she was, minus the drug trafficking thing. Or she could be both. 'I really do not understand what the deal is here, Michael.'"
5. "She fake yawned looking over her computer." (p.5). You're missing a necessary comma and hyphen here. Correction: "She fake-yawned, looking over her computer."
6. "Infact, you're the one who called me that day." (p.8). Here, "in fact" should be two words.
7. "She regained her composure and Walked back to her chair." (p.13). You have unnecessary capitalization. Keep in mind that you should only capitalize at the beginning of a new sentence, or on a specific thing, person, or place.
8. "I never wanted to be a mom," (p.15). This sentence is technically incomplete. You need to replace the comma with a period. Correction: "I never wanted to be a mom."
9. "Atleast do it for her not me." (p.17). Here, "atleast" should be two words, not one. You're also missing a comma. Correction: "At least do it for her, not me."
10. "'Uhm, he... his my boyfriend.' She mumbled." (p.23). The dialogue tag should be part of the sentence, and the punctuation/capitalization regarding the dialogue should reflect this. Additionally, "his" should be 'he's.' Correction: "'Uhm, he... he's my boyfriend,' she mumbled."
CHAPTER 4:
1. "'Who does he think he is?' She taunted herself." (p.1). The dialogue tag should be part of the sentence, and the beginning of the dialogue tag should not be capitalized, as it's not the start of a new sentence. Additionally, to taunt means to remark to harm, wound, or provoke someone. It is not used correctly in this context. Correction: "'Who does he think he is?' she [told] herself."
2. "She was coily." (p.8). What do you mean by "coily?" I don't think it's used correctly here in this context. This kind of mistake is common, so make sure to watch out for it when writing or editing in the future.
3. "She stole peeks at Uncanny from the corner of her eyes and noticed that she had finger prints on the side of her neck. She gasped filled with dread. She dropped her purse and momentarily grabbed her friend's hand and pulled her towards her." (p.9). "Fingerprints" should be one word, and you're missing commas. Correction: "She stole peeks at Uncanny from the corner of her eyes and noticed that she had fingerprints on the side of her neck. She gasped, filled with dread. She dropped her purse and momentarily grabbed her friend's hand and pulled her towards her." Notice how all these sentences start with the same proper pronoun. I suggest avoiding this repetition by restructuring some of these sentences.
4. "a sudden bursting of a window stopped her from continuing." (p.18). The beginning of this sentence should be capitalized. I also suggest replacing "A" with "the." Correction: "The sudden bursting of a window stopped her from continuing."
5. "I don't like disobedience baby," (p.18). This sentence is technically incomplete. You need to replace the comma with a period, and you're also missing a comma. Correction: "I don't like disobedience, baby."
6. I didn't review the second half of this chapter because quoting the sexual assault scene here could trigger some of my readers. I also wasn't aware there would be abuse/assault, only sexual themes. I would've liked a warning of this in advance.
CHAPTER 6:
1. "It's her life, her choices." (p.1). You have a tense slip-up here. Correction: "It was her life, her choices."
2. "She got ready for work, even though it was a Saturday, she just had to keep herself busy." (p.13). You have a comma splice here. As a reminder, a comma splice is joining two or more clauses together with a comma, but without a conjunction. To correct this, you can either add a conjunction or replace the comma with a period. I advise to use the latter. Correction: "She got ready for work, even though it was a Saturday. She just had to keep herself busy." Additionally, notice how both these sentences start with the proper pronoun "she." This is a repetitive technique used throughout your chapters, so I suggest watching out for these when writing/editing in the future.
3. "She cried, but the was no sound. Her whole body was numb, she succumbed to how she used to cry her heart out as a teenager" (p.17). "The" should be "there." You also have a comma splice. Correction: "She cried, but there was no sound. Her whole body was numb. She succumbed to how she used to cry her heart out as a teenager"
4. "Could you atleast sit down before you draw too much attention to us, please." (p.22). Here, "at least" should be two words, not one. This is also phrased as a question, and should end as one. Correction: "Could you at least sit down before you draw too much attention to us, please?"
5. "Dating back to their childhood, two heads are better than one they say, well it's true for, 'Javan!' They said in unison." (p.24). You have misplaced commas and you could split this into different sentences. The dialogue tag is also part of the dialogue sentence. "Dating back to their childhood, two heads were better than one, they said. Well, it was true. 'Javan!' they said in unison."
6. "I didn't understand why, the day I found out she was opting for adoption, I did what I could to gain custody of Kamilah." (p.25). You have comma splices here. Correction: "I didn't understand why. The day I found out she was opting for adoption, I did what I could to gain custody of Kamilah."
7. "The girl he ever loved and the mother of his child pushed him away." (p.25). The filler word "ever" is unnecessary here, unless you mean to add "only" as well. Correction: "The only girl he ever loved and the mother of his child pushed him away." OR "The girl he loved and the mother of his child pushed him away."
8. "I think I now get what's happening Michael." (p.26). This is poorly phrased, and you're missing a comma. Correction/Suggestion: "I think I get what's happening now, Michael."
***
Your narration skipped all over the place and hovered over several filler scenes. This made your story pacing feel inconsistent and your transitions were awkward at best. I suggest cleaning up your grammatical errors and strengthening your vocabulary. Otherwise, I enjoyed the thoughtful reflections from your characters and simple writing voice!
TOTAL SCORE: 41/100
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Written on 06/29/2021