~Expose yourself to your deepest fear. After that, fear has no power over you, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes~
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Yasmeen:
Hopes were high. But just like a balloon pushed past its breaking point, hope is fragile. One lungful of air too many and the balloon bursts leaving ugly, shriveled fragments behind, impossible to piece back together.
I wanted love, excitement, a life less lifeless. But, I also know that even the nicest places on earth become boring in due course. The greatest moments become dull and tedious once the flame of excitement ceases to burn.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams I shouldn't be dreaming. Dreaming of a new man to love, Anonymous precisely
On the other hand, Ahmad is being consumed by a weak emotion called Jealousy. His jealousy is like a living thing. Shifting, changing, growing like his rage and my regret.
He has become so Insecure to such an extent that he tries so hard to eclipse my sun because he is jealous of my daylight and tired of his dark, starless nights. Though I think his jealousy is a reflection of his own failures
The more I grow the more he hates, the more he hates the more I grow.
Ahmad and his sisters are busy competing with me while I am competing with no one. They haven't realized that It is foolish for the moon to compete with the sun for the spotlight.
They made me realize that the jealous of an evil person speaks volume. Their hearts knows no peace and everything is wrong to it, It is never pleased.
Whatever I do is not enough. If I do good to them or show some kindness, it hurts them. If I don't, it still hurts. Here I am standing in the middle, a position of uncertainty, doubt, compromise, no clear direction, no conviction, no purpose.
After finishing my chores, I headed to Ummy's to spend the rest of the day with them.
"Good afternoon Ummy" I said with a smile as soon as I stepped into the house, and she answered
I saw Ahmad seated on the couch looking at me, as if waiting for me to do something wrong, something he can scold me for.
He wanted me to go and greet habiba in her room as usual, but Ummy called her. She stepped into the living room with an attitude, I wasn't surprised, because resentment is the hinge of her personality. As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul, even one puff is bad for you.
Her face dropped when she saw me smiling and happy and vibrant today. My happiness is like a stab to the chest for her and Ahmad. Other people's happiness is the single most annoying thing to bitter people.
Habiba greeted her brother and ignored me, Ummy had to give her a certain look that made her come back to her senses. She forced out a good afternoon to me, looking at me with scornful eyes. It looked like she couldn't stand the sight of me, she was disgusted by my presence. It's evident that she resents me for not being confined by her limitations.
Here she is, harboring this pulsating lump of hatred burning in her stomach that had only gotten hotter and hotter in the months, like she had been robbed of a confrontation, or an explanation by me, and yet still I maintained my cool. I acted clueless
She went back to her room a few minutes later while I remained seated in the living room. Everyone left after a while, leaving me all by myself
Sure I don't mind sitting alone, but I know Ahmad would be very pissed if I don't follow his family around.
So I went to habiba's room where they were seated. But then again, they left. They went back to the living room, leaving me all alone in the room. They did that like three times
I almost gave up following them because I figured I was like a plague they desperately wanted to get rid of
Knowing how petty my husband is, I decided to follow them once again. I was picking up my handbag when I turned to see a furious Ahmad staring at me with distaste. As if sent by someone to see for himself the bad character of his wife
"Why are you seated here all alone" he asked
There was a familiar, hard bitterness in him now, and a curiosity he could not deny, and a third thing, like the quickening hammer of a pulse, beneath both of these.
"I wasn't alone about a minute ago, I was with habiba and co and I....."
"Shut up, where are they?" he said, cutting me off
I was not surprised, he always interpreted a situation according to his preference and the way it best suits his selfish interest
"What sort of nonesense is this? gosh, I hate this. You're a terrible person, you can't even stand my family talk less of molding into them. Now I see that accepting them is not possible for you. What have they ever done to you?" He asked bitterly
"It's not that" I retorted
"What's it then? Just come out of that place and go join them." He said, storming out of the room
I picked my handbag and did as I was told, I headed back home after a while. Ahmad came in shortly afterwards with food from Ummy's
Habiba has never been generous with food, sometimes it feel as though she only offers me food to reward me for spending the day at her house when she is obliged by her mother or to show off or just to listen to the remarks I'm going to pass on when I taste her cooking.
We always hear stories about the delicious meals she made and we missed it. But today, Ahmad was lucky enough to have habiba offer him one of her delicacies
Habiba was kind enough to give her brother "Ahmad" yesterday's leftover food to bring home. I was surprised because the last time he called her to beg for food was the day she made dolman/cabbage roll. God was she furious, she told him it wasn't meant for him, she made it specifically for a friend but he took it anyway. It made her very angry, she called and gave him a piece of her mind
He opened the food as soon as he was settled in the dining chair and dug into it. He was half way done when he turned to look at me.
"Come and Eat, it's so delicious. Habiba's dowery is going to be paid in millions of dollars because of her cooking skills and other capabilities unlike other people. Her husband is going to be a very lucky man" he said, licking his lips hungrily. He made me confuse habiba with one of his girlfriends for a split second
"I'm not hungry" I replied, with a smile. It's not that I wasn't hungry, But these days, I don't feel comfortable eating whatever he gives me. Most especially if he offers it to me on his own free will, despite his growing hatered towards me. It made me question his motive
I started to suspect maybe I was being poisoned slowly, Because ever since I came to this house, it's been one illness after the other, from one medication to another.
And as far as I know, the only thing I do out of the ordinary is eating whatever Ahmad gives me to eat. Though All he brings back home these days is left over food from the office which he offers to me willingly if I am lucky, and I sheepishly eat it. Not knowing where exactly it came from, whose left over it is, or where it has been before finally reaching me
And the saddest thing is, telling him I was sick became a taboo. He scolds me for being sick, he calls me a liar, attention seeker and all sorts of names if I tell him I was sick. He stopped taking me to the hospital, not even the excuse of a hospital that has a history of letting innocent lives perish due to negligence he once took me to
Thanks to my sister, now I go to a good hospital and I get proper medical attention because she listed me among the beneficiaries of her national health insurance plan. Ahmad has got one too, but his family are his beneficiaries. I wasn't among his beneficiaries.
"You have to eat it before it goes stale, It tastes really good" He insisted, bringing me out of my thoughts
Seeing him eat it made me chang my mind, I managed to eat a little portion out of it after inwardly saying a prayer. I ate it, hoping that I don't get poisoned by it. I have come to fear Ahmad and family deeply, though I haven't the nerve to do anything about it.
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