Falling Apart by Michael Schulte
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Y/N's POV
I couldn't get my mind off it. I tried pushing it aside, but it kept coming back for me. Luckily for me, I was able to keep a strong front, at least enough to where Lizzie didn't even realize that there's something wrong with me. I waited until she had completely fallen asleep until I let my emotions get the best of me. I sobbed as quietly as I could, allowing myself to break down completely. I hate this stab-like pain inside of me stirring so strongly. It's breaking me piece by piece. No matter how hard I try, his words knock me down so easily. To make matters worse, as an overthinker, I let everything sink in. My mind began wandering off when Lizzie exploded on me the night she came back from her 'talk' with Robbie. I thought I could push it all the way, but it turns out, it's coming back for me. Hungry for my pain.
I don't think I got more than three hours of sleep. All throughout the night, I kept waking up with my heart throbbing out of my chest. My body was tired but my mind was wide awake. My thoughts filled my brain with all of the negative thoughts possible, hindering me from closing my eyes to get a goodnight's sleep. I never knew how long I've been up until I noticed the light from the outside, indicating that it's morning time. I glance at the clock. It's six in the morning. She should be waking up in an hour. It pains me to even look her in the eye. It's not that I don't trust her because I do, but, it's the fact that she didn't tell me about it.
I could feel the prominent pent-up anger building inside of me, and I don't like it one bit. I already know that if I don't do something about this, I will explode. It's only a matter of time before that happens.
When I felt Lizzie starting to wake up, I faced the opposite way as quickly as I could. I don't have the energy to put up another strong front. If I look at her, I will definitely crumble to pieces. If I'm being honest with myself, I just want to be left alone with my thoughts and feelings. For the first time, I don't want to be in the same room as her, and that hurts me to my core in a way I never thought it could.
I felt shivers down my spine as Lizzie's arm slung on top of my back, pulling me in for a hug. My chest began to heave softly as my lips quivered with the tears I'm trying to hold back. I'm well aware of the fact that it's better to talk about it now than later, but I don't think I'm quite there yet. With every second that passes by, it's getting harder and harder to pretend like I'm sleeping. Despite everything, part of me still craved her touch.
"Wake up baby, I miss you already." Lizzie's raspy voice fills my ears, making me squirm. "Please..." She trails soft kisses along my slightly exposed back. I swallowed the lump in my throat, clenching my jaw as tight as I could. I still pretended like I'm asleep.
I wish I could pinpoint exactly what I'm feeling, but I can't. It's becoming too overbearing with every second that it passes by. The more I think about it, the more it hurts. How can things be going so well, then, the next it's breaking my heart. It felt like I was led on to believe one thing but it turns out, it was the other. It's almost funny that a simple text message did enough damage to my heart. It was out of nowhere. I didn't see it coming. It was like I got sucker-punched. I can't even bring myself to think of something else and when I do, my mind would always drift back to those hasty messages. I almost didn't want to believe it. Maybe I read it wrong. But, as I gawked at the screen, re-reading the entirety of the message, I almost laughed to myself. It wasn't because it was funny, but rather that I'm allowing myself to drown in something I know I shouldn't even waste my energy on. But, it's a little too late for that. It fucking hurts and I've already wasted a lot of my time thinking about it with every chance I get.
Eventually, with no response, Lizzie gave up trying. I could hear her getting ready in the background, which I found some type of solace to. Maybe because once she leaves, it will give me time to think without having her around.
"You better be awake when I come back later," Lizzie whispered quietly before giving me a kiss.
As soon as I heard the door close, my eyes shot wide open. Just like that, I burst into tears, breaking down completely yet again. The only difference this time is that I'm not crying in silence. My soft whimper fills the vicinity of the room, clawing my heart out. Fuck, my thoughts are winning against me. I don't want it to. Why can't I win? It's not like she cheated on me. Lizzie wouldn't. I trust her. I'm not questioning that. Of course, I'm not.
I didn't eat breakfast. Of course, I couldn't. I mean, how can I bring myself to eat something when I can't even stop my thoughts from getting the best of me. As more time passed by, I didn't even realize that it's almost lunchtime. I remember the text and how they're supposed to be doing their 'coffee date.' A sudden wave of rage washes over my body, making me clench my fist as tight as I could.
green eyed cutie 🧝🏻♀️
hey baby, I know I said I'll be with you for lunch
but something came up and I can't make it
i'll be with you for dinner
I laugh to myself reading the message. I threw my phone somewhere in the bed, my rage growing stronger. I exhaled aggressively, closing both of my fists shut. I flutter my eyes close, trying my best to gain some type of control over whatever is taking over my body. I feel the negative energy surrounding me and it's only a matter of time before I drown in my own self-pity.
With nothing else better to do than let my mind run wild of what they could be doing at this very moment, I grab my ukulele to play whatever my heart desires. From there, I allow myself to get lost in the music and the pain that comes with it. It's almost like I'm mindlessly playing the chords. I'm starting to feel numb as time passes by and it's driving me insane. My eyes began to wander around the room, and as soon as it landed on my bag, I only thought of doing one thing. I got up as quickly as I could, shoving all of my things inside without thinking about it. The more I think about how Lizzie lied to me, the angrier I get. I didn't even bother folding the clothes that I used. I just threw everything inside, not giving an ounce of care at how disorganized it looks.
I contemplated hard on my next move. I don't want to just leave without saying anything. I don't think that would be fair to either of us. I have no clue as to how I'm going to start the conversation, but one way or another, I have to think of something before she comes back. I took a quick glance toward the clock showing me that it's five in the afternoon. It's crazy how much time I've spent dwelling on this issue.
As I remained alone in the room with the time ticking down slowly now that I seem to calm down, it finally gave me some time to think this one through. Maybe I'm being irrational and I'm overreacting. I do have the tendency to do that. I grabbed my phone beside me and the first thing that my eyes set upon was Lizzie's face as my lock screen.
I smile at the sight of her and how mesmerizing and heartwarming she looks. I continued to stare, and I could feel it. Despite everything else, the good outweighs the bad. I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit that recalling all of our heartfelt, impactful moments didn't make me feel better because they do. Okay, maybe there is a better way to handle this situation than waiting for her so I could leave. I'm calmed now so I'm able to think better for myself.
I didn't even realize it but my eyes are starting to feel heavy with every second that it passes by. With nothing else better to do, I allow myself to fall asleep. I absolutely have no clue as to how long I was asleep for but when I was woken up by my phone ringing, I noticed that it was already dark outside. I looked at the screen of my phone. Rosie is calling me and it's 8 pm. Before I could answer, Rosie interrupted me.
R- Are you okay? I knew the second I saw the article I had to call you..
Y/N- What are you talking about?
R- Wait- you haven't read it have you?
Y/N- Read what?
I waited for her response but I was interrupted by my phone notification. Rosie sent me a link to the article she's talking about. I clicked on it, and my heart immediately sank to the bottom of my stomach. I didn't need to read it. The picture explains it all.
Everything that Rosie had said after I had read it sounded muffled. I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I felt so immobile as I choked on my own tears. I don't even know how to explain what I'm feeling. No matter how I look at this, there is no explanation that would explain why she's doing what she's doing.
With the numbness controlling my body, I let it control my next following decision. I gather all my belongings before making my way to the door. I lowered my gaze toward my feet as tears continued to break out of my eyes like they're not going to stop. Everything fucking hurts and all I want to do is isolate myself away from everyone else. When I ended up in the empty parking lot, I stopped in my tracks when my eyes met her green ones. I could see panic and concern surrounding her entire body as she gazed toward me. I had to look away. I couldn't bring myself to look at her for more than two seconds without breaking into a puddle of tears. It hurts looking at her.
Lizzie dashes toward me, tears already streaming down her face, "please baby, let me explain. It's not what it looked like."
I scoffed, puckering my lips together, "what is there to explain Elizabeth? You lied to me and I had to find out from someone else instead of. . . instea-. . . instead of you." I sniffled the tears back as I continued to break every second.
Lizzie tries to cup my face but I back away, "I know the picture looked like I kissed him, but please Y/N, you have to believe me. Nothing happened. I swear to you that I would neve-"
"Is he the reason why you couldn't spend lunch with me?" I cut her off.
Lizzie says nothing.
"That's what I thought." I laugh my tears away. "I already knew about the coffee date Elizabeth. I also know that you went to dinner with him a couple of days ago. That's why you didn't call me that night didn't you? You were out with him. You had me believing that you were still doing interviews but instead, you were too busy cozying up with your ex-fiancé."
"Y/N, it's not what it looks like. Please understand." Lizzie cups my face, but I shove her hand away, making her flinch.
"Understand what, Elizabeth?" I raised my voice, making my point known. "You lied to me. Twice. You know what, I don't even know if those are accurate. Should I even believe anything that comes out of your mouth?"
"That's not fair," Lizzie fights back. "You can't possibly be putting all the blame on me. You're too angry to even hear my side of the story. It's like you already painted me as this bad guy. How is that fair?"
"Oh, you want to talk about what's fair?!" I scoffed in amusement. "Don't you think I deserved to know the truth? Why was lying to me even an option to you? I swear Elizabeth it's like you don't even care about the repercussions of your actions. It fucking hurts knowing that you chose to lie to me instead of telling me about it. I'm trying to understand your situation but I can't. And now, I see an article about my girlfriend kissing her 'ex-fiancé, oh wait let me correct myself, 'current fiancée'. Fuck Elizabeth, make me understand because I'm driving myself insane trying to create more excuses for you!"
"Believe what you want to believe. I didn't kiss him." Lizzie stood her ground. "I did nothing wrong."
I threw my head back in disbelief, choking on my own tears, "you're going to treat this whole situation like that night you came back from your 'talk' with Robbie. You're going to tell me that I have trust issues and that you would have fucked him if you wanted to and you didn't give a shit about what I think. And what? You're going to act like nothing happened the next morning? Like you didn't just break my fucking heart."
"Y/N. . . "
"Why would you even say that to me?" I wallowed in pure agony. "What the hell did I do?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't know that what I said to you that night broke you. . ." Lizzie spoke softly, her glossy eyes gazing at mine.
"What did you expect?" I broke down further. "And now, you're over here lying to me and going on dates with him?! Tell me, was it worth it? Was he worth lying to me for?"
"Y/N, I'm sorry for lying to you, but you have to believe me, nothing happened between us. I didn't know that it was going to hurt you like this. ." Lizzie whimpered, her lips quivering in fear.
"You chose to ignore my feelings knowing that I was already broken. You were aware of what you were doing but you chose to do it anyway" I took a deep breath, pushing my tears away.
"Y/N, is that what you really think? I just made a choice."
"And you chose to break my heart." I sobbed aggressively, tears streaming down my face.
I took one last look at Lizzie before I finally gathered enough courage to walk away from her. Before I could walk further away from her, a figure in front of me stopped me from my tracks. I look up seeing Robbie standing tall with Lizzie's scarf in his right hand. I glared at him, not breaking eye contact.
"Can you give this to her?" Robbie spoke, making me cringe. "She forgot it in my hotel room the other night."
I curled my fist as tight as I could before swinging a clean right hook to his face, causing him to fall to the ground. I wince at the pain that it brought to my hand before pulling myself out of the situation.
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A/N: Are y'all okay? 😮💨 I'm sorry for this angst heavy chapter.
Also, thank you for 26k reads like how??? 🥺
See y'all in the next!