HI SURPRISE UPDATE:) This took long to write so hope you enjoy it.
We have been doing the assembly all day. Like first was the younger years and now it's the older years and I am just sat on the side of the stage, we were currently doing the year below us, their assembly.
My voice has gone.
Which is a disaster.
I am drinking hot lemon and honey that has been forced into my hand by Mrs Brown.
"How is it feeling?" She asks.
"Ok." I reply. Or croak. It's not ok.
"You're not allowed to talk."
"But I have to sing." I say, my parts coming up and she shakes her head and lifts her hand to my forehead.
"You don't have a fever. But you have clearly worn your voice out today so no more. Someone else will fill in for you, just sit in the audience and watch when it comes to your years."
"Are you mad?" I whisper. Because for some reason whispering doesn't feel as bad.
"No. But I want you to stop talking now. Literally, I want you on voice rest until Monday. You need to come back into school fixed because your audition is next Friday and we need to practice."
I nod and she waves her hand to dismiss me. So I just slide away and head out the doors with my mug of hot tea, trying to figure out where to go until lunchtime.
Mum.
Obviously.
I text her, asking if she's free and she replies surprisingly quickly. Telling me to come in.
So I just go to hers.
I knock on the door before entering, just in case. But she calls me in.
"Come on in." She calls. "Why aren't you doing the assembly right now?"
"I lost my voice." I whisper, showing her. I try to speak louder and I can't, it croaks harshly and she shushes me.
"Go rest." Is all she says and I smile, dumping my bag down by her desk and I go and sit down in the corner, like on her couch.
"Were you pulled out of lessons all day for this Lottie?" Mum asks, starting to write something down.
I nod.
"Okay, I need you to start to focus on your academics."
I already am trying but ok.
I close my eyes, ignoring her.
"I just mean that your math grade has gone up and I am so proud of you, but baby your As in English and History are slipping to Bs and if you want to get into that school you need them to stay at As."
I just take a sip of my tea.
I should probably stop going out so much. But I am just trying to get my mind off the Nathan thing.
Like- okay so last night after Nova's I went out with Mason and Ava until quite late and then I met Sutton for food at ten, meaning he dropped me off at like half eleven.
But I went straight to sleep.
I guess I didn't do the history essay yet though, that's due in today.
But I am not going to be in class to hand it in so I assume it doesn't count.
Oh shit, the assembly will have finished by then I think. Plus I am not even doing it anymore.
Oh it'll be fine. I can't even speak, surely he'll go easy on me.
Not that the essay involves speaking...
School is stressful.
I sigh and place my tea on the floor and then I lie down on the couch, closing my eyes again and snuggling in.
My mum gets a phone call on her work line and she is speaking quietly, getting the member of staff to send some girl here.
I cringe internally knowing her next words.
"Dottie..., sorry I need the room." She says. I begrudgingly sit up and look at her, my exhaustion present on my face I am sure.
"Your assembly is actually making me very busy today. Which is not an issue, a lot of students are reaching out for help and that is great. But it's super sensitive, so I need to have the room."
I just nod, understanding but still a little grumpy at being kicked out.
"Okay quickly then." She says and she comes to me, bending down to pick up my tea as I stand up. She opens her arms and I smile tiredly, leaning into the hug because damn it, I needed it.
My mum wrapped her arms around me and she squeezed me.
"You going out tonight?" She asks.
I shake my head. I need to sleep, it's fine. I'll stay in.
She nods. "Okay. Grab your bag, I will text you when the room is free again and you can come back if you need to."
I smile gratefully and go and grab my bag, swinging it over my shoulder just as there's a timid knock on her door.
My mum goes over to it and she pulls it open and smiles very warmly at the teenage girl stood at her door.
"Emille, come on in, Lottie was just leaving."
And so I leave and mum does her job. And as I walk to the cafeteria I smile happily as the bell goes off.
Lunch.
Food.
Yay.
I push the doors open and start to head over to my usual table with the girls, but instead, I feel someone lightly grab my hand, dropping it immediately but just gaining my attention.
"Hey." Solana says.
"Oh hi." I smile, whispering. "My voice is gone." I explain.
She looks at me sympathetically. " That sucks, I heard your singing earlier this morning, you sing beautifully."
Awe.
I feel my stomach flip a little at the compliment and I slowly grin.
"Thank you." I whisper.
"Would you like to sit with me and my friends today? I would love to introduce you properly and like they don't understand my- um- they don't understand how we just became friends and I want them to love you."
I grin, glancing over to her usual table and I can feel eyes on us. Theirs. Her friends watching to see if I would come.
But then also other people's eyes watching us as the cafeteria fills.
I also feel as Scar pokes my arm, smiling at me as I turn to look at her.
"You coming?" She asks. "I have hardly seen you."
I smile apologetically at Solana. I have to talk again and it hurts my throat.
"Sorry, I wouldn't ditch my friends for the boy I fancy so- Not today. Monday though?"
Her lips tug up at my admittance of being attracted to her.
"But I'll catch you later?" I say croakily. I did spend yesterday lunch with her. You see? I can't just abandon them completely.
"I get it." She says softly and turns back to her friends and I turn to Scar.
"Sorry I didn't realise she was asking you to sit with her." She says. "You should go."
"Nah it's ok. I miss you and El anyway." I whisper. It doesn't hurt to whisper. And when I talk more my voice isn't actually bad, like people can understand me. It just hurts.
"And not me?" Mia says from behind me, joining us as we walk to the normal table.
Her voice grates at me, I dont know why.
"Nah frankly I'm still pissed about you calling me a whore." I say. I was tired. My filter may have been lacking right now, my mood offloading onto Mia.
"If you don't act like a whore, you won't get called a whore." She smiles back, but obviously, it's not friendly.
We sit down, Scarlett next to me and her eyes are harsh as we regard Mia.
"Who's a whore?" I ask. "Genuinely Mia? What do you mean?"
"I was joking Lottie. Chill."
"I just find it interesting that you find calling your friends names like that funny, a joke."
My pour throat. It burns. But I can't help it. I am so done.
"Friend." She laughs. "You probably don't even know my last name. Why should I care if your feelings get hurt by a joke-?"
"Mia stop." Scarlett snaps. "What is wrong with you?"
"Nothings wrong with me. Lottie is upset I called her slut, remember?"
I glare. "Mia go away. Literally, fuck off."
She looks amused and shakes her head. "You understand that I am here more than you now right? That my friend Romey has been sitting in your place the last week?"
"Much to my distress." Scarlett mutters and Ellie walks slowly over to us, coming to join our hushed drama.
"Just go." I say, my face scrunched up. Why is she still here?
Mia looks mad, her eyes hot and angry and I don't even really know why.
"You want me to leave? You're the one who doesn't belong here with us. You have no self respect. You managed to get friends with Scarlett, somehow, years ago. Not us. I genuinely don't get why you're here."
I am amused.
I don't know what she thinks 'here' means.
At a table in school?
It's fucking high school. She needs to calm down.
She laughs. "Don't you dare try and look down at me."
"You're just some scatty gir-."
My lips part, a slow shocked smile lifting on my face. I shake my head as my stomach starts burning with pure irritation.
I can't be fucked with this shit today.
"And you need to grow the fuck up Mia. So what if I sleep around? Why does that bother you? Who cares?"
I don't even sleep around.
Fucking hell.
"It's just disgusti-"
My laughter interrupts her.
I stand up and okay I um- I am a little mad.
A lot mad. Actually. Technically.
"What did you just say?" My voice slow. "Are you serious?"
"You know you can get diseases, right? What's wrong with your voice Lots, been messing around too much?"
I can feel the boys starting to get up from their table, the cafeteria slowing. Silence stretching as kids start to listen to us.
"You what?" I ask loud in the silence.
She laughs. "Yeah bet you don't even use protection, skanky-"
Okay so maybe... maybe I lunge.
Like I do.
I lunge at her.
Because fuck this bitch.
Honestly, Ellie and Scarlett are just stood/sat next to us shocked.
Nathan holds me back.
I know it's him. I can feel it. I don't even know when he got close enough to touch me but it makes me feel sick. So sick that I elbow my way from him and he lifts his hands in quick surrender when I turn to look at him, seething red that he even had the audacity to come near.
"Don't you dare touch me-" I grit and he takes a step away from me and just then Mia takes her water bottle and I don't fucking know what I did to her to get her to dislike me so much but fucking hell she starts to pour it over my head.
I genuinely am so tired.
But my quick to rage temperament doesn't really do exhaustion. It fights that bitch tiredness, just like how it wants me to fight this one too.
The tiredness just means I can't hold myself back as I shove her backwards and it was Blaise this time that gets between us, his hands on my shoulders, pinning me still.
My face is wet, my throat burning, my body hot with anger.
"Let me go-."
"Why? Because some brat wants to rile you up? She's jealous. Calm the fuck down."
I am seething and that's when we're surrounded by staff, Mr Lees coming in first, radioing for my mother.
She's usually the only one to diffuse me when I'm like this so.
Ha.
Fuck everything. Honestly.
"You're embarrassing yourself." He mutters to me. "Calm the fuck down."
I push away and do the dramatic exit because I can and because I'm mad and there are tears threatening to fall and I don't even know why. I'm not upset. I'm just mad.
I hate people and I hate her, honestly what the hell? I have slept with Nathan and I have messed around with a few other people.
So fucking what.
I am mad and I can feel people walking behind me, following me.
Oh my voice as well. Like I shouldn't have even talked. It hurts.
I go outside, jogging away from them because fucking hell I just need to breathe.
I had makeup on.
Fuck everything.
I sit down on the school field, my heart beating fast and I watch as Mr Lees which is the asshole teacher and Mr Mortly, my math teacher, are walking slowly towards me, Scarlett, Nathan and Blaise walking quickly behind them.
"Miss Richardson, you need to take some deep breathes and calm yourself down." Mr Lees says and I just turn around on the floor, my back to them as I try and calm down.
"Hey." Scar says, sitting down next to me and I just give her a look and her lips tug up. She leans her head down on my shoulder and I just nudge it off.
"Sorry." I mutter but I just shake my head. Space is needed.
"Look we have her now, she won't kick off again. Go write it up if you must but leave us to deal." Blaise is talking now and I just scrunch my nose up, and then lean my head down on Scarlett.
She just sits with me as I rest on her shoulder until I don't feel like blowing up the planet.
And when I sit back up, she turns around to the boys.
"Go." She says to them, her voice firm. "Leave us be."
"Alright." Blaise says and I hear Nathan hesitate but then he goes with him, leaving just Scar and I.
"So you just blew up."
"I didn't do anything bad." I mutter and then pull a face, lifting my hand to my hair. "What the fuck did I do to Mia?"
Scarlett shrugs. "Honestly I don't know what her problem is. Think some people are just bitchy for the sake of it."
I feel like pouring water over someone's head and calling them a skank is overpassing bitchy.But whatever I guess.
I sigh, rubbing my eyes and then wincing at the smudged makeup on my hand as the result.
Scarlett winces when she looks at me and goes into her bag, sifting through it until she pulls out makeup wipes and tosses them at me.
"Just try and take it off, you look a state."
I grouchily take it off. My face sore now too because I don't usually use wipes.
"You recon ima get in trouble?" I ask quietly.
"Nah..." She says unsure. "Also your voice sounds rough."
It feels rough.
Ouchie.
I swallow and feel it pierce with sharp pain, I just need to stop talking.
"Ima be quiet." I whisper. "Rest my voice."
She nods and sits there with me, helping me to remove my makeup and soon enough I am shivering. I didn't have my coat because it's in my locker and I wasn't wearing many layers.
My back was wet.
"Okay lunch is almost over." Scar says. We've been sat here in silence for a while. "We have that assembly that we have to go to. Like we're gonna get in trouble if we don't go. It's pretty mandatory."
I shrug.
I don't wanna go.
"Don't you wanna support your Tea friends?" She asks me, making me feel guilty. So I check my phone, the camera to see if my face looks ok and I stand up.
I can't guarantee that I won't kick off again, if I see her, Mia.
"Also no more Mia." Scarlett says. "Honestly I've been looking for an excuse to stop talking to her that won't make me look like a raging bitch and you gave me one. So that's great."
I sign the phrase 'what do you mean?'
Because I learnt it, and it was sort of fun.
She looks at me utterly confused and I laugh, shaking my head and dismissing it.
"Why?" I whisper instead.
"Because I don't like her and I knew you'd call me out for being nasty if I stopped being friends with her. But she's genuinely not nice so- it's not me being the bitch right?"
I shake my head and we head into school.
I am a little embarrassed. Knowing that I just kicked off in the cafeteria. And that everyone just watched Mia pour water over me.
I am still fucking cold.
I lift my hand to my back, feeling as if my jumper is wet and it is pretty damp, so I look at Scarlett and lift my hand to my jumper and try to ask nonverbally if she has a spare one.
Scarlett shakes her head. "Sorry I don't. I can get you one of Blaise's?"
I scrunch my nose up.
"Okay." She laughs and we head to our lockers, well to hers, so we can put our bags away and then go to the assembly.
I am trying not to shiver, it's just because I sat out in the cold with slightly damp hair and a damp back.
I'll be fine.
I stand there with her, both of us quiet and I know I look drained, gone is my makeup and smile. My hair a mess, my body language drooped in tiredness.
I might just sleep through the assembly.
I look up when a subtle throat is cleared and I see Rowan stood by his locked, his eyes on me.
Scarlett doesn't notice us looking at each other, neither do the people around us.
He lifts his hands and he signs the are you ok gesture.
I nod subtly back.
He signs something again and I don't know what it is so I shake my head looking at his hands.
He makes the cell phone gesture and I take my phone out of my pocket, leaning on the lockers beside Scarlett's.
Rowan: You look slightly dead inside
My lips tug up at that. Just slightly.
Lottie: That is rude
Rowan: You wanna go lie on the floor somewhere Lots?
I lean my head on the locker as I feel warmth for the boy secretly checking if I was good.
Lottie: We have that assembly
Rowan: We can skip
Lottie: I have to be there to support my friends but thank you. Your concern makes me feel less dead
Rowan: You sure you're ok?
Lottie: Yeah fine, did you see me kick off?
"You ready?" Scarlett says and I nod, standing up properly and walking with her, my eyes on my phone screen as I pass him.
Rowan: No, just saw you looking miserable. What happened?
Lottie: Nothing, I'm utterly calm and sane. Promise
Rowan: Oh god, what did you do?
Lottie: Got in a fight with my friend
Rowan: Bad one?
Lottie: I lunged at her, pushed her and she poured a bottle of water over my head
Rowan: So nothing bad, that's good
I smile at that, shaking my head a little and putting my phone away as we walk into the main hall.
I should go and ask if they need any help with the assembly. But instead, I just follow Scarlett into the rows of chairs and we sit down, pretty at the back, far away from everyone.
I am tired.
But I feel my phone go off and I open it again.
Rowan: That was sarcasm, if you didn't know
I scan the room for him and I can't find him. So I look down at my phone.
Lottie: I got it
Rowan: Are you getting suspended?
Lottie: Don't know, no one's pulled me into an office yet
Rowan: Will it be your mum who does it?
Lottie: Nah, cos she's apparently bias. It'll be some other boob
Rowan: Boob
Lottie: Yeah boobs are useless sacks of flesh, like some of the staff here.
Rowan: Right... I'm leaving school soon, are you sure you don't wanna come?
Lottie: You almost sound like you wanna hang out with me Roe, careful there
Rowan: My mistake. I agree. Sounded a little too friendly
Lottie: And we're not friends so clearly can't skip with you
Rowan: Clearly. However just thought it might be a good preventative method.. You know, so you don't lunge at anymore of your friends
Lottie: As long as no one else calls me a whore, we are good
Rowan: Yikes what happened?
Lottie: I'll tell you about it later, the assemblies starting
People were hushing down and I just flick off my screen, the lights dimming.
The last thing I can handle today is a teacher taking my phone off me.
I would actually explode.
The party scene starts, everyone talking and messing around on stage and that's when Blaise and Nath come creeping down our row to join us on Scarlett's side. The room was full, to be fair, they were the last ones in.
I don't want to be around them. But as Blaise sits next to Scarlett and Nathan next to Blaise, I just lift my legs onto the chair, squishing myself as I wrap my arms around my knees and I just watch my friends perform their scene on stage.
They're defining consent first, doing some informative stuff, then they will go on to demonstrate it. What no means.
It's basically what happened with Nathan in the bedroom at the party. He's gonna hate it. If he even remembers it.
Oh well.
I mean Ava doesn't hit Mason, like Nath and I. But yeah the stuff before it.
The coercing.
My eyes are closed, I can feel his tension start to rise.
We changed the traditional gender norms, however. Made it so that the girl wasn't listening to the guy saying no.
Because we had a huge discussion how the guys might listen more, how the girls will understand that this happens in both scenarios with both genders.
We're just trying to teach people about consent.
But yeah, as the assembly goes on and as the music starts, where I should be singing and the boy is saying no to the girl, and the girl, our Ava, is trying to convince him.
Nathan gets up, he gets up and walks out and I just stare after him frozen.
"I'll go after him." Scarlett whispers and Blaise is just quiet, sort of watching I think, he seems out of it, staring at the stage.
Scar gets up after Nathan, following him out of the theatre and through the dark and I just wrap my arms around myself tighter, watching the stage.
Then I slowly tune into the fact the tension isn't gone now that Nathan is gone, in fact, the tension I was feeling was rolling of Blaise in waves that made me immediately uneasy.
"Blaise?" I whisper, he was sat there just staring.
"Oi, Jacobs." I say, his last name getting his attention as he glances at me.
But as his attention was drawn to the present, he snaps out of his trance like state and he stands, walking out, almost stumbling and I just stare after him.
Do I have to follow?
Like-
I guess I do.
I am so fucking tired.
I stand up, following him out and the teacher on the door has been told to let anyone go who needs to go. So we get out easily and Blaise is walking stiffly, angrily. He goes outside, bursting into the fresh air and I just follow him.
It's fucking cold.
He sits down on the steps, his head in his hands and I just watch him, me just stood in front of him.
I wonder where Scarlett is.
I think we may need Scar here.
I stare down at him and he's just tense, rock-solid.
I don't know if he's breathing.
"You need to breathe." I whisper, unhelpfully I'm sure.
My throat hurt's ok. And I'm cold. And something is very very wrong here with Blaise and I just stare helplessly.
I'd be better at this right now if I didn't feel awful myself.
I shake it off.
"Jacobs. Come on breathe." I say, stepping closer and he just looks up at me.
His face is cold, harsh.
"Fuck off."
"Ah so you're gonna be nasty."
"Yeah you bitch, fuck off."
Oh man.
"You assho-" I start and he just places his head down in his hands and look to the ground and so I manage to stop myself and instead I start walking away.
Because honestly he's not my issue and I'll just tell Scar and she can sort both the boys out. I am going home.
Genuinely I'm done for the day.
"It's not that big of a fucking deal. But you- literally you- keep drumming it into everyone's head that it's huge." He says. "You make it worse."
I slowly turn around.
Okay, I guess I will stay.
"What do you mean?" I say, my voice croaked unappealingly. Oh well.
Voice rest will have to wait.
"It's not that huge a deal. Sometimes shit happens and consent isn't given."
The cold that was resting on my shoulders travels down my body and I step back from him a bit.
"What did you do Blaise?"
He looks up at me harshly.
"Me?" He scoffs. Laughs. It's not out of humour. "Of course, you think I did something."
Oh. "You didn't?" I whisper.
He shakes his head, his eyes closing. "I didn't and you keep making me seem like the asshole."
Because he acts like an asshole.
I wrap my arms around my body, still cold throughout.
"I didn't say no so I didn't even- it wasn't- men can't be raped. By law. That doesn't happen."
I just stare down at him, his eyes glaring down at the pavement.
"But you- you asshole." He says and my eyes widen. "You made me realise that if I was a girl, I could press charges on what happened that night."
"Blaise," I whisper.
I- well fuck.
I swallow. The pain there in my throat, but not at all as ignorant to his pain right now.
"You... who? What happened?"
"Fuck off." He says again, looking at the ground and maybe I shouldn't have done this.
I probably definitely shouldn't.
But I didn't know what to do.
So I lifted my phone up and I text my mum. She'll know what to do.
I told her that there was an emergency with Blaise and I needed her and I didn't know what else to do.
Because I didn't know what else to do.
I kneel down, getting in his eye line.
"This is why you hate me talking about consent?" I ask quietly.
He just glares at me.
"Okay." I say. "Blaise whatever happened, the way you feel is valid. You can hate me for drilling it down everyone's throats. But I swear I do it because I want people to know that no means no."
"I didn't say no."
"So much means no. It's not just the word."
He presses his hands over his face and I just stare at him.
"I called for my mum." I say softly. "You don't have to speak to her, if she comes and you don't wanna talk then I will say I was getting mad at you and now I'm fine so she can go. But Blaise, my mum is the only person right now that I know will fully understand what you feel."
His eyes lift to mine in confusion, and I hear the exit behind us open and his eyes go to my mother's. I can feel her comforting presence. So i know it's her.
"She will understand. I promise." I say quietly.
"You dare say anything about this to anyone Lottie and I will make you regret it."
He's kinda scary.
I am not gonna lie.
I nod slowly.
Obviously, I won't.
But fucking hell Blaise.
"Does Scarlett know?" I say quietly.
My mum walks up behind me, her hands coming to my hair and she feels the wetness, like she's probably confused, but I can feel her attention also on Blaise.
"No, don't you dare." He says.
"She won't tell anyone, Blaise. I promise." My mum says.
She's probably been having a few of these chats today.
She's quick to put two and two together.
"Blaise, are you comfortable talking to me right now? Should I send Lottie away?"
He is silent for a few moments, he doesn't say anything.
But then he breaks.
He cracks open and my mum doesn't gasp as I do.
Instead she just squeezes my shoulders and tells me to go, and so I wobbly get up and she goes and sits next to him on the stairs, a safe distance away as he breaks down, his hands over his face, trying to conceal it.
I stare, so shocked, but she clicks her finger at me and she points to the door, harshly, sternly. She tells me to go.
So of course I fucking do.
I go, walking numbly back into the school and I have no clue what to do with myself. Like genuinely have no idea.
I need to go home.
I walk to Scarlett's locker, open it and take out my bag, noticing how her bag has also gone now.
Then I text Rowan.
Because he's the only person I can think of that I can text right now.
Someone so separate.
I text him.
Lottie: Have you escaped from school yet?
Rowan: Just got your mum to sign me out, grabbing some books then going
Lottie: Oh so when you said skip you meant authorised absence
Rowan: You still in the assembly?
Lottie: No I am coming with you
Rowan: Ok, hurry because most of the staff are still in the assembly so we can get out smoothly
So I just pick up my pace and I let myself out of the front door, I don't even care, the cameras can question it if they want to.
But I need to leave.
Something really bad has happened with Blaise. Oh.
Oh man.
I don't know why I didn't fucking see it before. I am blind. And ignorant.
Rowan's stood at the bottom of the steps and so I just walk down them, my eyes tired, body drained.
"Can we go get icecream?" I whisper, my voice is hoarse and sore.
"I'll drive to a drive-through, but we're going to the library."
I want to cry. Library. Please no.
"I need to study and you probably do too." Rowan says.
"What does that mean?" I rasp. "And it's a Friday."
'Fridays are great for late night studying, no school in the morning."
"You bloody nerd." I mutter, walking along beside him.
"I can drop you home instead."
"No." I mumble, walking round to his car and looking across to him. "Let's go study then."
"You still want icecream?" He asks me as we get in and get buckled. "And what's wrong with your voice?"
"Dunno, I shouldn't be talking but society says otherwise."
"Feel that one. You want icecream?" He asks again.
I shake my head. "No I'm cold."
I didn't get my coat from my own locker.
He frowns at me. "Why?"
It's not that cold out I guess.
"My jumpers a little wet." I whisper.
"Oh shit, from that girl?"
"Mhm." I hum.
"There's one in the back Lottie."
I turn my head and see a sweater, it looks worn and old.
I look at him. "Not to be an asshole," I whisper. "But when did you last clean it?"
He chuckles at that. "It's pretty clean."
I reach back for it as he pulls out of the school and I lift it hesitantly to my nose.
It just smells of him, that's all.
I place it on my lap and take off my seat belt. To swap my jumpers. Then as the car slows, I look at Rowan curiously as he pulls over.
"I really can't afford the emotional distress it would cause accidentally killing someone right now. So no seat belt means no driving."
"Sorry I'll be quick." I whisper and take off my jumper, flinging it into the back and then putting on his jumper over me. "Thank you."
"It's ok, I didn't realise you were so serious about getting into a fight with your friend."
I shrug. "Things happen."
"Pretty sure casualty about this is a little misplaced." He says.
"Well I just-" my voice croaks, making him glance at me.
"Okay no, no more talking. You need to rest your voice."
I look at him, slightly surprised by the demand.
He glances at me. "We've dealt with silence before, stop talking."
I just nod, I nod again in confirmation and I then settle into the car, watching as Rowan drives slightly chaotically to the library.
He's not a good driver.
Honestly.
He's not.
I don't like cars.
I sit there in my silence until we get to the library and I sigh. "I don't have any of my books really."
"I have some." He says. "It's fine. Plus I have my laptop so you can't print worksheets, you'll just have to log on to the school system on my laptop."
I nod slowly, looking at him. "Ima go get some hot tea from my Aunt, because my throat hurts, but then I'll you in the library?" I ask.
"Stop talking." He says.
"Well I needed to tell you." I whisper and he pulls into a parking space outside the library.
"I'll walk with you, I'll go check in with mum and meet you outside the front?" He says and I just nod, resting my voice until I can't.
We head out of the car and walk in silence up the alley to the seafront, my eyes widening at the way the sea was so freaking calm.
"Do you swim in the sea?" I ask him.
Obviously not in February. We'd die. But generally.
"Yeah sometimes, but stop making conversation. Or just text me."
I huff and pull out my phone and type aggressively on our text messages.
Lottie: Stop telling me what to do
"Do you want to lose your voice completely? Don't you have a date Sunday? You need to be able to talk to them."
"Shut up." I mutter and Rowan sighs, shaking his head at me as we walk up to our different destinations that happen to be next door to one another.
"Go get tea." He is being very demanding this afternoon.
I am hungry, I never ate lunch. I scrunch my nose up at him and push open Nova's gallery door, only to find it locked.
He watches me, slightly amused. As I groan, banging the door a little in frustration.
I look through and I can't see her or anyone and I sigh, unhappy because I really need food, not that I think I can eat, I just want honey and lemon tea and I want a hug.
I sigh and turn to Rowan, then he watches as I shiver, shaking from the cold and he shakes his head back at me.
"Are you still cold?"
I nod.
"Okay come in." He says. "We have like tropical heaters so come on."
He pushes the shop door open and then he calls for his mum.
"Mum, school ended early." He says. "Where are you?"
"Just coming." She calls back and comes out from the other room, her eyebrows lifting when she sees me.
I look a much bigger mess today than yesterday when she saw me.
"Lottie needs soup, you got any here by any chance?" He says.
"What's wrong dear?" She says to me, walking out from the counter and he goes behind it, walking out to the other rooms.
"Nothing." I whisper.
"She's got a sore throat." He calls back. "Careful in case it's contagious." He says to her and she waves him off, coming to me.
"You feeling poorly?" She lifts a motherly hand to my forehead and I smile in amusement at how she doesn't even know me but is feeling my forehead for a temperature.
"Oh you are cold missy." She says and she grabs my arm, gently pulling me with her and through the back, walking to meet Rowan in the small makeshift kitchen that they have back here.
He's going through the freezer.
"It gets cold in the winter so I freeze soup and keep it here for when I need the warmth. Rowan take her into the greenhouse and I'll make soup."
"There's no need." I whisper and he shushes me and nods for me to go ahead into the room that was pretty much glowing green.
"Rest your voice, stop." He says, shaking his head at me and so I just do, I lean into whatever care these kind people are giving me and I walk in front of him into the greenhouse room.
It was giant.
Rows of workbenches, all filled with plants and the sides filled with flowers and soil and it's messy but also organised and Rowan nods down to the little collection of chairs and tables and there is a armchair and a small floral sofa in the corner of the room.
"We used to sit here when my mum was at work." He says as we walk down the rows, I am just looking around.
It's huge in here.
There are hanging baskets from the ceiling, vines growing all the way down to the floor in some places, trellises spreading across one wall, plants of different varieties of green climbing up them.
As we get down to the bottom I am hit with the warmth, two air fans blowing hot air out into the room and I look at him surprised.
"Some of the plants need a warm climate so in the winter we have to makeshift one. It's not that good for them, but it's what we have."
I just nod and he nods down at the armchair and I sit down, and I admit, it's do comfy I sink a little, lifting my legs to snuggle up.
It's so warm, and pretty and I think I read a study once about how green rooms are used as relaxing therapy rooms sometimes. Rooms filled with plants.
I just look at Rowan who is moving a table closer to me, for me to rest the bowl of soup that his mother is now bringing me.
These people make my heart warm.
I sit up a little and she shakes her head, grabbing a pillow off the other sofa and she places it on my lap, placing the bowl down on it and she looks at me concerned.
"You don't look well sweet, you wanna call your parents?"
I shake my head.
My dad's on a tricky case right now and my mum- goodness she's helping Blaise.
Shit Blaise.
I don't know what to do with this information.
I just take a spoonful of soup and smile a little at the taste.
I lift my hand trying to sign that it's good, because I learnt it the other day.
But I can't really with just one hand so I give up and Rowan laughs at me.
"Do you know ASL?" Rowan's mother says and I look up at him, wanting him to answer for me.
"Hardly." Rowan chuckles. "Sutton and I have taught her a few things."
"Oh I see, that's cute." She says. I have more soup, it burns my throat a little but it feels really nice, the heat.
It's soothing.
"Would you like a blanket Lottie?" She asks me and I shake my head and Rowan just looks down at me. His eyebrows raised.
I am pretty hot here to be honest, if I have a blanket as well I might overheat.
He nods as if he was wondering if I was telling the truth. Reading that I was.
"We were gonna study at the library but I don't think that's gonna happen." He says. "Mum you wanna get off? I can cover the shop for an hour or two? You can go rest?"
She shakes her head. "No, no. Don't be silly you've just finished school, you should rest."
He signs then, and I lower my eyes, because when they sign it's for privacy. Even though I know I won't be able to understand much if anything, staring now feels rude.
"Okay. I will go home for a little bit, and start making dinner and then come back to close up." She says defeated by him a little.
"Thank you for the soup." I whisper and she smiles at me, shaking her head and Rowan gives me a look that says shut up and I glare grumpily back at him.
I just eat my soup as they say goodbye.
And after he walks her out, when he returns back to me, I watch as on his hand as he counts, in multiples of three. His fingers extending as he counts one by one on them, all the way until he gets back to me. Then he stops and I lift my eyes back to him.
"You wanna stay here as I sit behind the counter?" He says. "Ima cash up for her now, we shouldn't get that many more customers. But I'll come back in after."
I don't mention the ritual.
I just wave him off, I mean I am chill here to be very honest.
He nods and goes, but soon he comes back with a blanket and I smile, amused at the care.
"Just in case, plus like you can't shout for me so."
I just nod my head and I sign thank you, which he laughs at, and he corrects the placement of my hand a little, demonstrating it to me again.
I just close my eyes, smiling sleepily.
He takes the bowl from me and places it down on the little table beside the chair.
I take my phone out of my bag and he dumps the blanket on my lap.
"Kay text me if you need anything." He says. "I'll go cash up now."
I just nod, not really knowing what that means but I mean sure. Go ahead Roe.
So he leaves me and I admit, I ignore the messages from Scarlett because they didn't seem urgent, instead, I take off Rowan's jumper because I was a little warm and I wanted to snuggle up with the blanket instead.
I also knew I was falling asleep. It was inevitable.
Like I didn't even fight it, I just curled up in his armchair, surrounded by plants and flowers and the sound of the fans blowing.
I close my eyes and I let myself go because this is all I've wanted to do all day.
To sleep and feel safe.
Hi! Thoughts?