We need to celebrate!!!
Uh, no, we don't. I rolled my eyes – Valerie and her over-enthusiastic self, as usual.
I'll bake something! Ben can go grab drinks, maybe Joe can provide the pizza?
Ugh. How do I tell her that Ben and I aren't friends anymore? If I even try to mention the issue, Valerie's going to start pouting and going on and on about how we should fix it, and friendship lasts forever, and she got over the fact that Ben pretty much ghosted her after high school but they met again because fate, and blah, blah, blah.
It's just not the same situation. Pulling apart after high school is mostly normal, but faking an entire friendship, that's a whole different animal. Okay, maybe he didn't totally fake it, but it still remains that he lied about the most basic things and a lot of others.
So tonight at 9?
I sighed, dropping the phone onto the table. When I left the Grant building, I wasn't sure where to go or what to do. I mean, what to you do when you get great news? You tell your loved ones – normal people would say. Well, I've never done that. I mean, when I got good grades, when I won awards or got accepted into colleges, I never told anyone.
Okay, mostly it's because I didn't exactly have anyone to tell other than my parents. I've never been much close to my cousins, except when we were very little, and I don't have siblings, plus I've never really had close friends, other than that girl I mentioned. So, I never felt the need to tell anything to anyone. Hell, nobody even knows about my plans about the future.
Well, no one except ... well, Ben. Yes, I did mention something to Jeremy, but in the end, it was Ben that helped me with the planning, Ben pushed me, challenged me. I mean, this whole ...sort of transformation really started with him. So, I guess it's mostly been something between the two of us. That's why, regrettably, the first person I wanted to tell when I got the job, was Ben. And I couldn't.
It's only been what, a couple of weeks? Only now I'm starting to feel it – feel his absence. Sure, everything's happened fast: decide to actually do something to start off my plans, apply for a job, prepare for the interview ... it was all so hectic that it was even easy to leave out every other thought and to mostly avoid talking to people.
Obviously, I did answer my mother's calls – I didn't want Paris' australopithecine boyfriend to knock off my door again –, and my boyfriend's ones just so he wouldn't think I decided to break up without telling him, but in the end, I kept to myself. It was also the only way to cope. Because people would ask questions: where is Ben? How come he's not around anymore?
Anyway, the point was, after the interview I didn't know where to go and I didn't feel like going back home, so I did the weirdest thing for someone like me: I walked into a coffee shop, which is ironic considering I don't even drink coffee. It was vintage enough to attract my attention, not to mention the wall-large bookshelf full of books. I just like hang-out places with bookshelves, they give me the sensation that it's not for everyone's taste, which means it'll be cozy and tranquil. And this place was exactly like that that.
I was lucky enough to find a spot in the corner, right by the bookshelf, so that's where I went to sit, back to the window. I ordered a tea and a pastry just so they wouldn't complain, but I wasn't really hungry – I know, I know, how is it possible! One like me that isn't hungry! –, but I spent the past 10 minutes half replying to Valerie's texts, half deep in thought.
Am I happy I got a job even though it's just a paid internship? Yes. Am I happy that I'll finally do something related to my studies? Damn, yes. But at the same time, I don't know, I felt odd. I should be, if not happy, at least content. I have a boyfriend that loves me – a guy that, with all his quirks and awkwardness, is smart, kind, even cute and, amazingly (or appallingly, depending on the perspective) loves me. Of all women possible, Jeremy loves me.
And then there's Valerie. We haven't known each other long, but she's an awesome friend more than just an inspiration for me as a woman. Joe is like the brother I never had. Faith has been a little aloof since she got engaged, but she's still a good friend, even though we're so different – same as her sister. And I guess I can even say I have a family that cares. My parents maybe haven't been the greatest as I grew up, but they still care.
And now this new opportunity to actually make something of my life. I made a 5-year plan that sees me starting as the smallest wheel, and ending up a successful writer, and the internship at Dante's Friends – Ms. Benedetti's publishing house – is the greatest beginning I could have asked for. Well, okay, maybe it would have been more instructive if I started in a bigger place, more famous and with a way longer history, like that Lion's Publications in Boston – which I also applied for, by the way, but didn't get an answer yet. But it's probably easier to start really from scratch.
So, I have a family – not perfect, but still, they're there for me –, I have good friends, a great boyfriend, and now the start of career I had been longing without hopes for years now. I should be happy. Or at least I shouldn't feel so empty.
Yes, yes, I know, the reason for this feeling is what happened with Ben. But there's nothing I can do about it, is there? Part of me wants to give him a second chance, but how can I trust him?
If I think about the fact that he said he loves me, I almost want to laugh. Love. I don't know much about love, but even I can tell it doesn't involve deceit and lies. It's not love when they blatantly and unabashedly lie to you for months, without ever taking up one single chance – despite having had many, since we did spend a lot of time alone – to come clear.
All the time we spent alone, all the nights spent on my couch watching movies and eating pizza, laughing and chatting together. All the times I showed my weaknesses, opened up, he had the chance to say his truth, and he didn't. Jesus, he even kissed me!
How am I supposed to feel about that? How am I supposed to feel about a married guy kissing me and, actually, subsequently making of me a cheater? I should probably tell Jeremy, but I don't know how. The time he seemed jealous of Ben, I assured him my neighbor was gay, how am I supposed to come up to him and say hey, he's not actually gay and we kissed, is that a big deal for you? Come on.
I have zero experience in relationships, but I'm pretty sure that somebody kisses you and you sort of, kind of, not quite but still respond to it, it does count as cheating. Could be vaguely related to cheating, but a vague relation is still a relation. Heavily treated and mostly chemical food is still called food, isn't it?
Maybe Bridget Jones was right when she said: it is a truth, universally acknowledged, that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces. I take the first step for my career? My love life seems okay? My family isn't a complete nightmare? It seems only fair that the friendship department falls apart.
Think about it, it's all entangled. Ben and I are no longer friends. That means Valerie and I might fall out, since she's primarily his friend. And due to the kiss scandal, Jeremy and I might fall out. So, a few minutes are able to make me lose 3 of the people I'd come to count as irreplaceable pieces of my life. Just like an unstoppable domino.
My phone kept buzzing with messages from Valerie about a party tonight, but I didn't even want to answer anymore. I don't know what to do, or if I have to do anything at all. Should I tell Jeremy about the kiss? Probably. Should I give Ben a second chance? It's not like he's even tried to talk again.
I don't even hear him much anymore, probably because his sweet other half is here now, no need to be so much on the phone, right? But you know, as much as I appreciate being left alone in peace, I would have expected him to insist a bit more.
"Can I get you anything else?"
A soft female voice broke into my trail of thoughts. When I looked up, I saw the waitress staring at me expectantly, which made me blush a bit. I must have been here for hours. "Oh, uh ..." I quickly did some mental Math to be sure I could spend more, "another tea, please."
She nodded, grabbing my empty cup. "I'll be back in a jiffy." She claimed, for some reason smiling. Waitresses actually smile? I know I never did. Then again, there's a difference between working in a hellhole and working in a cute coffee shops for nerds.
I grabbed my phone, and unlocked it, only to find all the messages Valerie sent me:
So tonight at 9!
I'm baking!
Can you ask Ben? I tried to call but he didn't answer 🙄
As if. I don't know why I haven't deleted his number yet, but maybe I should. Sighing, I scrolled through my chats. When suddenly "is writing" appeared under Jeremy's name, I instinctively closed the app, feeling nervous. It's not that I don't want to talk to my boyfriend, it's that right now I really don't want to talk to anyone. I shouldn't have even told Valerie about the job.
My phone buzzed again – Jeremy, of course.
How did it go?
Right. I told him about the interview beforehand, Valerie only got to know after the result.
I got the job
I replied quickly.
Awesome! We should celebrate!
Ugh, what is it with people and their obsession for celebrating? I didn't even celebrate my graduation. In other circumstances I'd be okay just spending the night with Jeremy, that would be enough of a party, but ... I really don't feel like seeing anyone today.
✧✧ ✧ ✧ ✧
BEN
"Can we get Pop Tarts?" Elle asked, hopeful.
I sighing, pushing the cart past the snacks aisle. "You already got Oreo."
"Can I change?" And there goes the pouting. She definitely learned these tricks from my brothers.
"Elle ..."
"Pretty please, daddy?"
I sighed once more. "Fine." I stopped the cart, and reached inside to grab the Oreo she'd already begged me to buy. "Go swap them. But this is the last time. You know you only get 1 of these snacks."
She grinned cheerfully, and walked back to the shelves she needed. I took the chance to check my phone, and noticed I had a couple of missed calls from Valerie and other messages, but nothing from Joanna. It's been 2 weeks, but she still doesn't even want to see me, and how can I blame her.
"What if I get Doritos?" Elle yelled from the other side of the aisle.
There goes my umpteenth sigh since we entered the store. "Only 1 snack, Elle. Just one. Choose wisely." Cue their excited shriek that made some other clients chuckle. I bet they assumed I'm her brother. People never think she's my daughter, both because I'm not even 30 yet, and because, truth be told, she doesn't look all that much like me. She's her mother's copy. It's a pity she doesn't remember much of her.
My phone rang – Valerie again. I picked up only because I know if I missed it again she'd call the police. Problem is, I haven't told her about Elle either. "Val?" I answered when I took the call, eyes on Elle and her careful selection of snacks.
"Where have you been?"
I half smiled. "Been busy."
"You always say that." Valerie snorted. "Are you coming tonight?"
"Where?"
"To Joanna's!"
My eyes widened a bit as my heartrate increased. Did I miss a message from her? Did she ask to see me? Ignoring Valerie and her rants, I rechecked my messages and missed calls one by one, I even checked emails and – long shot – social media, hoping I would find a single sign that Joanna finally is ready to talk to me again. But nothing. Predictably, my heart dropped just as fast the same pace it'd picked up.
"Yes or no?" Valerie yelled enough for me to hear even though the phone wasn't against my ear. Meanwhile Elle was walking back to me with her final choice in her hands – Cheetos. She grabbed my free hand, and together we walked back to the cart, while Valerie was calling me through the phone.
"Yes, I'm still here." I said, placing the device between my shoulder and my ear, so that I could still grab the rest of the groceries and pay attention to Elle – luckily, she's a tranquil kid, doesn't go running around giving me a heart attack. That's something she took from me, actually, her mother was a force to reckon with, never staying put for one second.
"Are you coming or not??" Valerie groaned. "You have to! It's a big thing, we need to all be there for her!"
"What?" I wish I could say I had even an inkling of what she was talking about, but even stalking Joanna on social media didn't give me any hints about what she's up to – she barely uses them and her posts are never personal.
"Joanna!" Valerie repeated, clearly exasperated. "She got the job! Didn't she tell you?? I told her to call you for the party!"
"Uh ..." How do I tell her? Luckily Elle was too busy awing at everything she saw – coming from a small town in Nebraska, a simple New York store is enough to make her gasp – to pay attention to my phone call with a woman she's never even met. As long as my daughter is concerned, really, I've never been and never will be with a woman that isn't her mother.
"What's going on?" Valerie inquired. "Joanna has been avoiding me, you've been avoiding me ... what's going on?"
"I've just been busy." That's not even a full lie. Between work, classes, and Elle, I've barely had time to breathe. Yet somehow my treacherous mind was able to torment me with thoughts of my JoJo.
"Yeah, yeah, that's always your excuse for everything." Valerie groaned. "What really happened?"
"Nothing ..."
"Benjamin. Don't make me spank you."
I half smiled. "Listen, I gotta go now. We'll talk another time." I hung up before she could protest.
Elle was already looking at me quizzically. "Who was it?"
"Just a friend."
My daughter tilted her head, doubtful. For being only 9 years old, she sure is perceptive. "Is it the lady that called the other day?"
I gulped. "What?"
Elle shrugged, walking to the shelf where juices were kept – we need to buy her favorite one in packs, since she brings it to school and drinks it in the afternoon with her snack. "A lady called when you were cooking and I was playing Angry Birds on your phone."
Valerie didn't say anything about it. Could it be ... "What did she say?"
"Nothing." Elle replied distractedly, roaming the shelf in search of apricot juice boxes.
"Nothing?"
My daughter shrugged. "I answered how grandpa taught me." I couldn't help smiling. "This is the Harris house, who am I speaking to? She hung up."
Valerie wouldn't just hang up. She'd inquire about who was on the phone. I bit on my lips, daring to hope. "Did you say who you were?"
"No."
Ugh. If really it was Joanna calling, that answer must have just confirmed her I'm married. Great, I'm a deeper hole than I was to begin with.
"Was it wrong?" Elle asked, perplexed and apologetic.
I shook my head. "No, honey, it's okay. Now, what do you want to eat tonight?" The fact that Joanna tried to call me means she was almost ready to open the talks, but if now she fully believes I'm married, I've got no chances that she'll ever even look at me again. Glancing at my phone, I wondered whether I shouldn't dare. Granted she won't answer, but an attempt wouldn't hurt, would it?
I thought giving her some time would be a good idea, because I know her, and pushing too hard with her gets you nowhere. But at the same time, not trying at all probably told her I'd given up.
"Daddy?"
I jolted awake when Elle called me. "Yes, honey?"
"Why is that man staring at us?"
"What?"
She pointed at a guy waiting in line at one of the cash registers, his cart half full. I've only seen him a few times, so without the uniform it was a bit of a struggle to recognize him, but not impossible. "Hey, Jeremy." I greeted, faking nonchalance, as we walked up to him.
"Hi." Tight smile. His gaze darted from me to Elle, back and forth, as if trying to understand what was going on. What would be more plausible? "I didn't know you had a sister." Case in point. Like I said, people never guess I'm actually her dad.
I thought about lying, but Elle prevented me: "This is my daddy." She claimed, clinging to my leg, as if offended that anyone would think otherwise.
Jeremy's eyes widened in surprise. "You have a daughter?"
I sighed, nodding. "Elle, this is Jeremy, a friend. Jeremy, meet Elle."
My daughter eyed him carefully before nodding, while he smiled at her sweetly. "Nice to meet you, young lady." He tipped off his imaginary hat. Then turned back to me. "Does Joanna ..."
"No."
"I see." He pondered for a moment. "That explains a lot of things."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you have been around these past weeks, she hasn't mentioned you, no weddings ... you two don't talk anymore, do you?" I was a bit surprised, I'll admit. Maybe I underestimated him. As if reading my mind, Jeremy chuckled, shrugging. "I may not enjoy it much, but being on the force does teach you some things. Like learning how to read between the lines."
"Are you going to tell her?" I couldn't help but ask.
"Of course, not." Jeremy seemed offended by my statement. "I'm not a snitch. She needs to know, and you two need to work things out, but it's not my secret to tell." He furrowed his brows, this time looking at me accusingly. "Especially since she believes you, well, gay."
"I know, but ..." Instinctively, I glanced at my daughter, who was looking in between us, puzzled. "I don't know how."
Jeremy shrugged again. "Words will come out." He glanced at his watch, then at Elle, and kneeled before her. "A friend gave me tickets to the zoo," he squinted his eyes, I bet eying the plush toy my daughter always brings with her – cop instincts, huh –, "but I don't know much about penguins, I bet you could help me." He smiled kindly.
Elle grinned – she's always excited when she gets to talk about her favorite animals, penguins –, then looked at me. "Can I go, daddy?"
I should be worried that my daughter trusts the first stranger she thinks to be her dad's friend, but I guess this is a good chance as any. It's not like I really have anyone to leave Elle to, since none of my friends here know about her. "Yeah, sure." I wonder, if Jeremy knew I told his girlfriend I'm in love with her, would he be so willing to help us patch things up?
✧✧ ✧ ✧ ✧
JOANNA
"I know you like tea, but ... 4 cups in a row is a lot even for you."
When I heard his voice, my heart seemed to stop. I don't know whether it was because of the shock or because I had too much theine in one afternoon. "How ... how ..."
Ben smiled. "Find my phone, silly. How else?"
"Oh, so you're a stalker, too, more than just a liar." I scoffed, turning my head towards the bookshelf just not to look at him.
He sat in front of me, instead. "You gave me the password when you lost your phone at the theatre and it was on silent." He reminded me. Ugh.
"What do you want?"
"To talk."
"We already talked enough."
"No." When Ben grabbed my hand, I felt my heart once again seemingly stop. "It's time for you to start listening, JoJo."
"I-"
"I have a daughter."