hi :) this chapter is a little long and i was not planning that lol - but you know the drill. grab snacks 💋
billie
it was sometime past midnight
i shut the car door and look over at lola who was just as worried sick as i was as we start walking to the tall building, and we meet in the middle to grab hands.
when we entered the lobby, i look both ways to see my mom, whom is the only one sitting there in the small space.
"mom" i say walking quickly over to her and she stands up. and she looks as if she'd seen a ghost.
she comes over to comfort my panicky statement.
"what's going on? did they update you? where is he now?"
"he's being interrogated. for like... the billionth time" she answers me, slightly out of breath.
"are you kidding me?" i asks her. staring into her eyes with confusion and fright.
"no... it's been like hours. i don't get how much they really need to ask him"
"did you try and see him?" i ask, raising a brow.
"yes, the refuse"
"yeah, well, fuck that" i say turing and rushing to the front desk.
"oh my god, billie-" lola tries to grab my arm in a rush to calm me but i proceeded to walk through her light restraint and we both just end up at the desk.
looking pretty.... small
but i'd like to argue the the counter was just- high.
there was the woman officer sitting there and she was blankly ignoring us as she read something off her computer.
i bag on the thin window.
"hey, hello? hi-" i call her constantly and she finally looks at me with a sigh and a slight eye roll.
"yes, hi. i need to get in contact with my brother. you guys arrested him a few hours ago?" i say and she holds up a finger.
"what's his name?" she asks.
i roll my eyes. it's really not that busy. i doubt they arrested anyone else in the last four hours but i'll play nice.... for now.
"finneas o'connell"
she starts typing it up on her computer, and i sigh deeply and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear as my sweater sleeve falls down my arm.
yes it was late. and i had just thrown on some of my nearby pajama pants out of rush because i had no idea what the fuck was going on.
i was pretty cold but i got out the house as quick as i could. grabbing pants was an option but look,
i'm pregnant. and that's my comfort excuse.
my hand slightly fidgeted on the counter and lola notices, she gently grabs it and takes it into her own which sets my whole body at ease.
i take a deep breath out and look up at the fair toned girl and smile fondly. she returns it and then the officer speaks again.
"oh, yeah. you can't see him" she says calmly.
"what? why?" i snap my head forward and ask her.
"because he's in interrogation. and also, there's just no visitors past these hours. sorry" she says in a sarcastically nice tone and i close my eyes.
i fold my hands calmly and take a breathe as i look at the officer who was slyly smiling at me, i give her a warm, very forced, but kind, teethy smile.
"look" i say softly. "i haven't had decent sleep in four days. my back is slowly killing itself and i almost choked on my own throw up waking up this morning.. then almost tripped and fell and died getting to the bathroom because i'm starting to not be able to see my feet" i huff. but remain calm.
she looks pretty uncertain and concerned but she raises a brow.
"i'm tired. and i'm hormonal and i just want to cry and laugh all at the time. it hurts when i sneeze and when i sneeze i pee. i have been driving myself insane looking through stupid baby name books day in and day out. and i've gotten this close to hitting myself in the head with one of the fucking books. things are rough.. but i'm holding up pretty well, and getting a call from my exhausted mother that my brother had just been arrested, really killed the mood again. so no, i don't want to have to come around this counter and make you escort me back to those rooms. so i advise, to make this easier for both of us, you let me go see my brother..... before i get mad" i tell her.
i tilt my head with a sweet smile and she puts down her pen and sighs deeply as she turns with an eye still glaring at us, she gestures us to circle the counter.
i look back at lola whom was already smiling at me as we walk to her side of the counter and she opens up a door for us.
"thank you"
"nice eilish" lola whispered to me as we first bump and i smile at her, going to walk side by side though the door, but were stopped.
"whoa, whoa- she can't come" the officer says gesturing to lola, whom turns looks at me with big eyes.
"i'll be fine, lo" i nod at her with a sweet look and she nods a bit before rubbing my shoulder and making her way with a breath.
"okay... tell fin i said hi" she says walking back cutely.
"i will" i smile at her. before she looks over her other shoulder, i bite my lip.
the officer looks at me with a questionable look on her face.
"what? that's my girlfriend" i say proudly because i knew she didn't matter at all so who cared if she knew?
i continued to walk through the door, and the officer escorts me down the thin hallway. not too far in, she puts her hand on a door nob and lets me in a small room. from there i see finneas sitting at a table. head to toe in his normal clothes, except his hands where cuffed.
"finn" i say, rushing over to him and he stands up. i hug him. my arms wrapped around the tall man tightly as she peers down at me tenderly.
"no touching" the security guard calls from the door as my cheek was against his demon jacket, i turn to look at her with a scowl and roll my eyes just before pulling out a seat at the other side of the table, finneas sits with me.
"what- happened? why are you here? how are you here? why'd you come see... him?" i ask him almost immediately with nothing but concern and my brother looks at his hands and sighs.
i could see it on his face, some real shit happened...
fuck
"finneas" i say in a soft tone as i stare at him with serious eyes. tilting my head. ready for the burdensome news. whatever it was.
"i talked to these lawyers.. i got this contract. this deal. one where you could literally have control of his entire existence,"
i listen to him speak and i narrow my eyes a bit. confused at his pledge at first,
"it hurts billie. it hurts seeing the power he still has over you today. how he still controls your happiness. how you hold everything in your life so close to your chest because your so afraid that it will be taken from you. your so scared of losing what's yours. what you love most in the world. what you will love. i see it billie.. your my sister. i know the happy you and i know when she's gone away. i notice how the light leaves your eyes anytime he's brought up... like now"
i look down and bite my lip anxiously as he points out my new saddened demeanor.
he wasn't wrong
but that was once lifted by his next statement,
"so, i thought it would be good for you. it would help. make you feel like your the one in control for once... you even get to decide his sleep schedule- he could be forced to stay up for hours" he laughs.
"really???" i laugh with him.
"yeah" he says while giving me a teethy smile.
"i can't believe you did that for me.." i say looking up at him with pure veneration going throughout my eyes, partly in disbelief.
"well... for three years i had no idea you were going through the worst moments of your life. you just deserve it bil, you deserve to have him as your subordinate"
i nod and place my elbows on the table as i process this information to myself for a moment.
"i guess that would of been pretty cool" i sigh.
"would of been? billie, he signed. this will be pretty cool" he tells me and my eyes light up.
"forreal???" i ask smiling as i sit up in my seat and my finneas nods with a fond smile.
"yes! yeah. he's so dumb it was easy... i just told him it would take a few years off of his sentence. the dude has life"
we both start cracking up.
"that's so funny, that's so- great. i can't believe it" i laugh.
"i couldn't protect you for the longest, so now i'm finally making up for it" he says fondly as we share the moment.
i let out a happy sigh and i shake my head and shrug.
"so i guess the unfortunate question now is.. how is he?" i ask, releasing a breath and tilting my head.
"just as fucked up as before. i mean-" he replies and gestures to his busted lip with a good amount of blood just between it, i wince at the sight.
"ouch- why isn't anyone helping you with that?" i ask.
"it's jail. they weren't hired to exactly help"
"true, true" i chuckle.
"welp, he thinks we're both still fruity" he adds, looking up at me.
"well, is he wrong?" i ask back, raising a brow and finneas laughs.
i giggle and turn my head that shows a small blush on my cheek.
"he also thinks we're incest"
my smile fades almost immediately.
"what the fuck?"
"yep" he sighs. "might i quote, 'you're just mad that i put it in her first'"
"ah... disgusting- gross! what???" i cringe and lean back in my seat. making a horrid facial expression.
"yeah, i know. he's pretty pressed about it too.."
"he's just trying to blame his actions on anyone else. he's so fucked up in the head he can't actually process what he did as wrong. he just can't face the fact that he's a sick person. he's a narcissist and a psychopath."
"your telling me-" he scoffs and i sigh deeply.
i shake my head and look off.
"he's never gonna change...." i say lowly as i battle flashbacks fighting their way to my thoughts. i blink and put my focus back on finn before it's too late.
"and- also....... he knows-" finneas started in a darker tone, i shift my position to look at him, furrowing my brows. but then i raise one,
"he knows what?-" i ask more cautiously.
"about... you know-" he leads me guessing and i immediately get sick to my stomach.
"oh god finneas no....." i exhale. "no-"
i started to panic. my heart raced and i bit back the of my hand to hold back some real curses.
"no" i repeated shaking my head continuously.
finneas sighed and looked down.
"it- it got ahead of me... i was so fucking sick by the fact that he has no clue about what he did to you- i couldn't bare that asshole walking around completely oblivious to the cause and effects of his actions" he explains breathlessly as i place my hands over my for head.
"i didn't want him to know- he can't know. this isn't supposed to go this way- no" i hyperventilate. finneas moves closer to me in his seat.
"look, b- he can't do anything" he reassured me but i wasn't having it.
"so what!? what if administration wants him- to meet him? or see him!? or give him whatever fucked up money he has??? i don't want that for him. it's not safe!" i pant and finneas looks at the door behind me at some of the officers that had now whispering to each other and putting their attention back on us.
i bite my finger and try to calm myself. i close my eyes.
"i know billie, and i'm sorry. i know you want him to have no part in his life. i get that. i understand it. but we can face this... so many people are on your side and here for you now billie"
"i don't need people. i've fought him for long enough on my own, now i'm gonna have to teach my kid to do it? i-" i cover my eyes and shake my head. "this is bad.. this is so bad"
finneas bows his head and sighs in a stressful manner as he fidgets with his cuffs. i sit there and bite my nails a bit, my eyes steady watery just from the thought of brandon coming anywhere near him.
my fist clenched and i let out a shanty held in breath.
i wasn't mad at my brother, no. i was just...
scared
cautious?
defensive?
i've just been feeling like that so much lately... like i needed to be a safety guard for him at all cost.
it was so intense.
and sometimes felt like too much to bare at times.
"alright, your times up"
i look up from my hands and see the same security guard from the front desk tap me on my shoulder. i get up and push the chair in.
"so where good? he can come home?" i ask her hopefully.
"oh no, he's staying here for the night. your time is up" she tells me looking at the door then back at me then at the door then back at me.
"what!? why? why can't be come home? he didn't do anything. why should he stay?" i ask her, raising my voice a little bit.
"he assaulted an inmate" she reminds me.
"it was both of them" i give her a look.
"he's staying-"
"i'll pay" i offer immediately and she just sighs.
"it's one night blondie, he'll be fine" she scuffs and i feel offended for a moment before she starts pushing me to the doors.
"wait! fin-"
"it's okay billie.." finneas says lightly. "go home. go take care of yourself, go take care of the baby, go take care of her"
i look at him, then i look at the security guard next to me whom giving me a dirty look.
he was way too good for this world
i take my arm out of her grasp and run over to my brother once again and hug.
i close my eyes.
"i love you. thank you for protecting me"
it felt good to get out.. and i know he needed it after all that he's been through with all this being new information to him. i really am greatful for my brother, and one of the only reason i hold on most days is because of him.
"i love you too b" he tells me and once i let go of him i smile and walk back towards the door.
"let's go" the security guard tells me and i look her up and down coldly before escorting myself to door.
☆
a few days later
lola
i entered the gluten-free isle in the grocery store and picked up a box of cookies as i examined it.
aura comes walking up behind me and i throw them in the cart before she can make a snarky comment.
i was too late
"why are you grabbing so many fucking snacks?" she asks me raising a brow and i look over at the cart stacked with billies most favorite things to eat.
she's been going through her moods lately, she blames it on stress but i think we both know what it is.
and billie is a busy woman so, with monitoring people doing construction on her new house all day, setting up her new schedule while she's on maternity leave next year, planning the one two many events we have coming up, getting ready for a baby to move in, and juggling her personal life all while being pregnant is enough to prove she has a lot in her hands.
so maybe it is stress after all
but, i've decided to do something nice for her while she's dealing with the hormones and life itself. so i got a whole bunch of her favorite foods, i'm going to go to her place while she's at her parents house and set up a fort for us so we can have movie night in her new room together.
it just kinda sucks the amount of times i walk in a room to find her with her hands covering her face or in her hair, a long with that 'stressed-out-billie-look' on her face.
and now that he stomach was too much in the way to cradle herself.. i had to do it.
which i didn't mind because she deserves it.
but aura didn't need to know all of that
the last thing i needed her to find out right now was that billie is with-child
she still doesn't want hardly anyone to know. even though it was getting harder and harder to hide.
"i'm... throwing a party" i lie, pushing the cart down the isle with my arms and aura strolls next to me.
"a party for nerds??? because all that shit is either gluten-free, vegan, or organic" she commented slyly.
i roll my eyes.
"billie likes them" i say singly.
"ah, that's what it is" she nods.
it was quite for a moment as i leave to isle to go to the freezers where the milk is to get the chocolate milk that billie adores so much.
"so you're really gonna move in with her?" aura asks me in a more sentimental tone.
"yes...why?" i answer opening up the fridge.
"you really really do love her don't you?"
"i do, very much" i say putting it in the cart and then looking at her questionable.
aura is never in my business like this. but i guess because i've been doing so much more mature things she somewhat interested.
"where are you gonna sleep though?"
"with her" i raise an eyebrow.
"and where are you going to go to school?"
"on my lap top... like always"
"and where are you gonna work?"
"i'm figuring it out. i'll be fine aura"
"wrong answer. your supposed to say i'm not. - she's filthy rich remember?" aura shrugs.
"i am not using her. what is wrong with you?" i furrow my eyebrows we we walk.
"it's not using her. it's taking advantage" she says.
i pause the conversation out of frustration to let her own words catch up to her which never do. so i break the silence.
"that's the same thing!!" i exclaim.
"okay! but it's not like she needs all of it for fucks sake. what does she do but be this global pop star princess?? she doesn't go through anything or even know as much of what it feels like..... her life is perfect" aura scoffs and looks away.
i stare at her deeply as i narrowed my eyes and i gripped the shopping cart handle pretty hard.
she has no idea
i wanted to scream all the shit billie has been through, her suffering for years, her exile trauma, i wanted to scream it all to her fucking face...
but it wasn't my place
so i bite my tongue. and shut up. even though it was the hardest thing i could possibly do when someone was shitting on my girlfriends solidly.
"whatever man" i snort and keep strolling.
"look, thanks for bringing me here. but i gotta run- i mean i don't want to be late"
"to the party?"
"yup"
"it's five pm lola"
"actually four fourth five. and it's a small gathering......"
☆
5:30pm
when aura dropped me off, i rushed into the house and went straight up the the theater room that wasn't nearly done yet. but it was spacious which was good.
i had laid down a mattress and put pillows and blankets on top that wasn't easy to do by myself but i was determined. the snacks were with the blankets and pillows neatly.
billie would be home any minute now, and as i was just adjusting the projector onto the center wall i hear the door downstairs unlocking.
i can hear her come in the house and she hadn't known i was here. i dimmed the main light and the fairy lights that were strung messy but neatly in every room where keeping the bit of light and the mood in here calm and sweet.
just as it needed to be
i left the space and walked over to the broad balcony. i looked over and saw a small blonde girl at the tall front door.
when she turns around she had about two bags on her arms and she had lifted her foot as high as she could to take off her shoes seeing as bending over was not an option anymore.
she wore a white boho dress, that stopped a little bit above her knees but was originally longer without her stomach making it rise. she gave up on pants a few weeks ago because it added on unnecessary comfort.
she scrunched up her nose and her expression was struggled as she endeavored to get her other shoe off and when she finally did she let out a long groan as she threw her head back.
she's so beautiful
i smile as i start my way down one of the long staircases and towards her.
"billie-bee" i sing-song soft and sweetly, (my new found nickname for her that she loved so much), and when she saw me at the far left of the entrance her face lit up with a wide smile.
"lola!?" she excites. "i thought you were spending the day with your sister- babe, come here."
she pours in adorable way and holds out her arms for me.
i blush softly and make my way down the rest of the steps and into her warm arms. her vanilla sent fills my senses and i pull away to kiss her tenderly.
she slips her hands into mine and it always feels like the first time every time we kiss.
it never gets old
i smile through my half bitten lip and i tuck some of her hair behind her ear, her blue eyes collide with mine and the soft smile on her peach lips make me weak in the knees. her blush cheeks made her smile stand out.
"i canceled that. i wanted to be with you" i chuckle. and she bats her eyelashes away with a small giggle to start walking towards the kitchen with my hand in hers.
"well good. i missed you all day" she says leading me. "i was with my mom. she brought me to this infant store. and i told her i didn't want to go because i didn't wanna overwhelm myself but she made me"
"ooh" i say as we wrap around the kitchen counter and she places the tall thick paper bags on the counter.
"so, she shoved a bunch of shit down my throat about things he needs. but wanna see what i got?" she switched her tone from exhaustion to chipper dramatically and i laugh.
"i'm all over it"
she pulls out this four hook hanger that had onesies on them of all different colors but going along the scheme of baby blue, nude, and browns.
"i picked these up on the way out because they were too cute but that's not the point" she says quickly addressing them before placing them on the counter.
she pulls more things out of the bag.
"my mom made me get, these soothers aka pacifiers, pacifier clips, this nasal aspirator thingy, like ten burping clothes, mini towels, reusable nursing pads, disposable nursing pads, like a dozen itty bitty baby socks" she tells me and by this time everything is out on the counter.
even i was overwhelmed.
"and then this was sorta guilty pleasure thing, this tiny little dinosaur jumper" she holds up a green dinosaur jumper and her facial expression is so adorable i can't hold in my laugh. "too cute"
she places it down and reaches her arm into the other bag.
"and then she made me get this thing that you put on his little ween so he doesn't fucking shower me when i go to change him. i didn't believe her when she first told me boys pee everywhere but then she showed me fair evidence and i don't not want to be peed on every thirty minutes." she says quickly as her chest heaves on her last breath.
"wow" she holds onto the counter and closes her eyes. "i'm running out of breath very very easily now"
"yeah. your carrying a whole being inside of you. i can't even begin to assume how that feels but i'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that him getting heavier and heavier everyday is gonna do a number on you" i suggest. and she nods.
"also you do know your gonna get all this shit and more at the shower right?" i ask her.
"of course i do, but to get a head start of the many many things i need apparently.. my mom thought our brunch date wouldn't be complete without her giving me her first mother hood lecture."
"oh god" i chuckle.
"yup." billie scoffs and then places her hand on half her face. "the start to the many, many, loads of those- oh shit, i forgot to get the ultrasound machine so i can check on him like the doctors asked"
she places her hand on her hip and makes a defined 'o' shape with her lips as she takes deep breaths and that stress i mentioned starts rolling in.
"hey, b" i interrupt with a hand, before she can drive herself further. she puts her attention on me
"how about we get that covered later....."
i start, circling the counter to the bright girl on the other side, her vision follows me.
"i have a little bit of a surprise for you. upstairs." i tell her and she bites her lip with a little smile.
"ooh, surprise?"
"yeah. you'll thank me later. come on" i say and i grab her hand gently.
"is it a body pillow? i feel like it's a body pillow" she remarks with a chuckle as we walk upstairs at her pace.
"no. but if your trying to suggest that you need one. i'll get that covered."
"i do. desperately." she says and we reach the top of the steps.
"okay, cover your eyes"
"oh, okay" she says, using her free hand and placing it over her eyes as i keep her other soft hand in mine and i lead her to the theater.
it was perfect. when we enter the door way i smile in honor of myself. just because i'm proud and i feel like i deserve a pat on the back.
"okay baby, look" i say excitedly, folding my arms as billie uncovers her eyes.
i watch her expression go from confused to very quickly in awe, all while her smile becomes so big her cute little laugh lines and small wrinkles in the far corners of her eyes show.
"oh my god" she laughs.
she steps inside the dimmed chill room and follow her, she was so unbearably cute.
"lo.. you did this for me?" she turns to me, and she looks out of words.
"no...... i did it for my other teenage pop star, very much blonde, pregnant girlfriend that lives a few hours away-" i snort sarcastically and billie runs into my arms before i could even finish.
"it's so.... sweet! and cute. and i needed this. and i love it. how did you-" she says into my shoulder and i can tell she's smiling, i never want to let go of her.
"i love you..." she says backing away from the warm hug to look at me with a sympathetic look on her face. like she could just ahead a tear.
"i love you" i say tenderly before pulling her a little closer again and giving her a peck on the cheek, that turns a bright red after.
"okay... i'm starving. i need to get my hands on some of those cookies" billie laughs and i gently take her hand and help her step up on the mattress and get comfortable on the blankets.
i turn the projector on and we share one last kiss before diving into the pile of sweets between us.
☽
I try to keep from losin' the rest of me
I worry that I wasted the best of me on you, baby
You don't care
☽
A/N: yeah so that book i had planned and started writing got canceled bc it's too much of last era and we're much pass that and it's boring me to write, so uh... heh. BUT i have like 30+ NEW ideas that i am SO excited to write about. and that i will be starting super soon.. so yaysies ;)
xoxo
ily!!!
- skye ♡