And he just might make me smile but
I'm wishing it was you instead
Chapter 05 ~ Haunted
Liam Slater
Max. Max. Max. Max. Max. Max. Max.
For the first time in forever, I was thinking of someone other than Scotty and that really scared the hell out of me.
I wasn't thinking of Max in a totally-altogether-friendly kind of way. It came to my attention somewhere in the middle of our one sided conversation that I was thinking of Max in a totally-altogether-affectionate kind of way.
Even when the sun had set and we were walking the night streets of the small shopping plaza, Max was still talking. I didn't totally mind it because if Max was talking about himself, then it meant we weren't talking about me. He'd occasionally try to ask me a question, but I was reasonably short with him - not on purpose, though.
I made the huge mistake of telling Marcy about my condition, which was probably why I didn't like her that much. She acted different around me because she wanted to fix everything that was wrong with me. I didn't want Max to do the same thing, so I couldn't tell him about me.
But it made me feel horrible that I knew everything about him. I knew that he was in love with a boy named Jamie for almost three years now. He didn't actually say it like that, but I could hear the slight shift in his voice when he talked about him, and it reminded me of how I sounded when I talked about Scotty.
I knew about his friend Trey, who was gay too, but he didn't want anyone to know. I knew he liked to draw and he swore that he was really good at it. I knew about Robin, the girl who always tried to outdo him. I knew plenty of things that a stranger shouldn't know.
But maybe we weren't really strangers, because I felt like I've known Max my whole life. Maybe that was just because he really did talk a lot, but I didn't care. I wanted to know him.
"This is your car?" He practically shouted as soon as we approached the parking space occupied by my spotless, all-red Audi sports car. It was a gift from my parents as a reason for me to get out more. "Are your parents like rich or something?"
I shrugged. I had no idea what my parents' financial status was. All I knew was that they constantly spoiled me with gifts in order to cheer me up. I couldn't complain because a flashy sports car wasn't all that bad.
Max shook his head in disbelief while simultaneously running a hand through his well-groomed hair. "Wow."
"Do you want a ride?" I found myself asking, only because I wanted an excuse to talk to him more.
He gazed back at me with a puzzled look. "You want to give me a ride?"
There was a slight hint of surprise in his voice, which gave me the impression that he hadn't been asked this question before. I found that hard to believe. Even though I knew about the unfortunate circumstances he had to face at school, I couldn't imagine hating someone who looked so adorable and happy.
"Yeah," I replied and I was confident with my answer.
He thought it over. "I'd love to, but my parents will probably freak if they find out I'm hanging out with another boy."
"Completely understandable," I responded as I thumbed my car keys in between my fingers. "We should do this again."
Max's tongue swiped over his lips, wetting them. "Yeah, we should."
"So, I guess I'll see you around then?" I unlocked my car and reached for the handle with the full intent of sliding into the driver's seat.
I was caught off guard when he advanced towards me, stood on his tip toes and pressed his soft lips firmly against mine. The kiss made me numb almost immediately and the shock suddenly permeated my mind. I was too caught up in my own mind to return the kiss and that made Max pull away after only a few seconds.
His eyes grew wide. "Oh my god! I'm sorry. My goodness, you're straight! I've been reading this all wrong. I'm so sorry. Please let's pretend like that never happened. Please, I'm sorry."
I knew the blank look on my face wasn't helping the situation, but I couldn't help it. I was lost, confused, scared. Even though I liked Max in a totally-altogether-affectionate kind of way, and even though I felt like I knew him, he could be gone in the blink of an eye.
The signs were already there: family troubles, school bullies, unrequited love. Max was happy now, but there would be a time when he wasn't happy. Who knows what'll happen when he was faced with those dark hours? He might just kill himself like Scotty did.
But he spent this whole evening trying to make me feel happy, so I wanted to return the favor.
I kissed him then. Sweet and slow. My hands cupped the sides of his face and my fingers lost themselves in his black, silky hair. He melted into me almost instantly, hands dropping their defenses and enclosing around my waist. Our mouths fused together until it got to the point where my rib cage tightened and it made my heart feel as if it would burst. It didn't, though. It just kept pounding heavily in my chest, so loud that I was sure Max could hear it.
He groaned when he pulled away and for a while, we stared at each other. His eyes were darker than before as he gazed back at me, his breath still heavy from the heated kiss. "You're definitely not straight," he commented as he brought his fingers up to his lips.
I chuckled. "Definitely not."
Max pushed my shoulder playfully. "You could've given me a heads-up, you know. I was freaking out."
"You're cute when you freak out," I said before I could take the time to register what I was saying. The words didn't even sound like my own. I would never be so straight forward with someone.
Max's cheeks flushed with color at that very instant and it warmed my heart to know I made his day, just like he made mine. Even if this feeling was only temporary, I had no idea when the depression would set in and plague my thoughts until I felt like killing myself so I wanted to milk the moment for what it was worth.
The next thing I knew, we were kissing again. This time, I slipped my tongue past his teeth and he let me, uttering a quiet moan. I propped him up against the hood of my car and I pressed my body against his, feeling the sudden heat from the contact. It wasn't a burning heat, but it felt undeniably good and I never wanted it to go away.
His lips didn't feel like Scotty's. In fact, Scotty was nothing like Max. He knew exactly what he wanted, unlike Max who was still trying to figure out life. Scotty was a go-getter, as I had liked to call him. He always aimed high in everything he did and I had no idea how he did it, but he was always successful. Everyone told him he wouldn't be able to do something because of who he was, and he managed to prove them wrong every single time.
Scotty didn't give a damn about what anyone said, and that was one of the things I loved about him.
Max wasn't anywhere near to being Scotty, so why was I trying to compare the two? Why was I even trying to replace Scotty in the first place? If the roles had been reversed, Scotty would never do that to me.
I broke away from the kiss abruptly and stomped over to the driver's seat, without as much as an explanation. I had already started the car and buckled my seat belt when Max tapped on my window with a perplexed look on his face.
Sighing, I rolled down the window. "I have to go," I snapped.
Max blinked at me, his confusion becoming more apparent. "Um, okay. I guess I'll see you later, then?"
I gave him a slight nod and rolled the window up again. He started to say something else, but the glass separating us muffled his voice and I wasn't really motivated to listen to him anymore.
I hadn't realized how tense my body was until I hit the main road, where all the flashing lights and zooming cars that accompanied the highway made my shoulders slump backward and my chest fall in relief.
Maybe running out on Max without any explanation was a bit cruel, but I could already feel the depression setting in. Suddenly, Max didn't seem all that important anymore. He seemed almost insignificant in relation to Scotty. I found myself wondering why I had even agreed to meeting with Max, when he was nothing I wanted or needed. He'd already gone through enough heartache and getting involved with me would only drag him further into a never ending dark hole.
I fiddled with a few buttons on my stereo system until it started to dial Dr. Reis' number using the wireless bluetooth setting on my phone. I tapped my fingers patiently on the steering wheel while I waited.
He picked up on the third ring, sounding tired and incredibly groggy. "Hello?"
"I want to talk," I said immediately. I saw no point in beating around the bush.
Dr. Reis sighed heavily into the phone. I didn't think he knew I could sense his irritation. "It's almost ten, Liam. Can it wait?"
I took a deep breath. "I want to talk about Scotty."
He didn't respond immediately, but he sounded more awake when he did. "Okay. I'm not at my office."
"I can stop by your house, if that's okay."
"Yeah, that's fine. 560 Alcove Lane, near the organic supermarket."
I paused to recall the location of the organic supermarket, then nodded. "I'll be there in five."
He hung up shortly after my response, but I didn't have to stay in silence for long because almost exactly five minutes later, I was pulling into his driveway. He was patiently waiting on his porch steps with his hands crossed against the plain white t-shirt he was wearing. I almost didn't recognize him without his suit and tie.
"Hello, Liam," he greeted me as soon as I stepped foot onto the porch. "Forgive me for my informal wear, I wasn't exactly expecting you."
I waved him off and followed him into the house. Most of the lights were off, but from what I did see, his living room was well decorated. He didn't strike me as a decorative kind of guy, so I assumed the cohesive furniture and paintings were the work of his wife.
"Is here okay?" He asked me as he gestured towards the plush white sectional.
I shrugged. "It's fine."
He rubbed his eyes. "Do you want anything to drink?"
I shook my head and plopped down on the far end of the sectional next to the photograph case.
Dr. Reis released a heavy breath as he took a seat on the sofa across from me with his clipboard in hand. He thumbed his fancy pen between his fingers for a moment before snapping his gray eyes to mine. "You wanted to talk about Scotty."
I nodded, but I was really starting to regret my decision to come here.
"Whenever you're ready," he told me.
I clapped my hands together and exhaled heavily. I didn't know where to start until I remembered the reason why I wanted to talk to Dr. Reis in the first place.
I silently prayed to myself that Dr. Reis wouldn't see me in a different light after I told him the story, and began to speak.
"The night before Scotty died, we went down to the beach. I don't really know why we did. It was just something he liked to do once in a while because we could be alone and stuff. I remember we talked about his soccer competition coming up and he was really excited for it, like you could see it in his face. He never really liked school soccer because of all the people on the team who constantly teased him. I had tried to get him to quit the team, but his love for the sport itself, made him stay. But the point is, when he dropped me home that night and kissed me goodbye, I never thought he was going to kill himself."
I glanced up at Dr. Reis, who was avidly looking at me with curious eyes. He had completely disregarded his clipboard and I could tell he was actually listening.
"Even with all the shit that Scotty went through, he never complained. He never ranted about how it would be easier to end it all. He never did anything that showed he was contemplating suicide. He was normal. He would always say it was because of me, that he was able to forget about everyone else."
My mouth twitched into a smile when I recalled the memory, but it faded as soon I reminded myself of the ending of my story.
"The next morning, I woke up and checked my phone for a text from Scotty. He was an early riser and he always sent me good morning texts as soon as he woke up. He didn't that day, and that's when I knew something was wrong. I ran downstairs and I saw my parents gathered around the dinner table, looking at me with a strange look on their faces. They told me the news, apparently Marcy's mom told them, and I didn't want to believe them."
"How could I? Scotty was completely fine and lively the night before. What could have possibly changed in that short amount of time?" I was genuinely asking the question and I expected an answer from Dr. Reis, but he continued to stare at me intently.
I laughed dryly. "He didn't even leave a note or anything. Not to his parents, not to Marcy, and not to me. All I can remember is when Scotty told me he would talk to me tomorrow. He never did," I glanced down at my hands, "bastard didn't even say goodbye."
Dr. Reis sighed. "Liam, you can't blame yourself for Scotty's death. From what you've told me, he was going through a really tough time."
"Yeah, but he never cared about that stuff!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, growing defensive.
He squinted at me. "And how would you know that? You have no way of knowing what he's thinking."
I rolled my eyes. "Whatever."
"Look," his voice grew more serious, "I can't possibly understand the way you're feeling, so I'm not going to say that I do. For whatever reason Scotty committed suicide, we may never know. What matters is that you were an important part of his life and I'm absolutely positive that he feels horrible for leaving you alone like this."
I blinked at him. "So you're not, like, disgusted that we were ... you know?"
He scoffed and gestured towards the picture case next to me. "Liam, please take a look at the photograph next to you."
I eyed him skeptically before hesitantly turning my attention to the case. The first framed photo that caught my attention was a picture of two men dressed in suits, kissing each other. I could tell one of them was Dr. Reis, but the other man I didn't recognize.
I snapped my attention back to him. "You're gay?"
He smiled. "I am."
I suddenly felt silly for thinking Dr. Reis would have a problem with me being gay. "Wow, small world." I glanced back at the picture again. "Where is he?"
"In bed," he stated, "which was where I was before you called."
My eyebrows shot up when I realized. "Oh, my bad. I didn't mean to interrupt anything..."
Dr. Reis laughed. "We weren't doing any of that, Liam."
I nervously played with my fingers. "Oh."
He tapped his clipboard with his pen to indicate he wanted to get back to the issue at hand. "How does it feel to finally open up?"
Talking about Scotty out loud felt surprisingly good, especially since Dr. Reis was so chill about it. "It feels good."
"That's good," he reiterated. "This is great progress, Liam."
I shrugged again. "I guess."
He glanced down at his watch and sighed. "It's getting late. I don't want you getting into any trouble with your parents. Head home, take your pills, and get some rest. If you're still feeling antsy in the morning, you know where to find me."
I stood from the sectional and flashed him a quick smile. "Thank you."
His response was a simple tip of the head as he begun to walk me to the door. We exchanged our goodbyes and I trudged down the driveway to my car, slipping into the driver's seat and immediately turning on the radio to drown out any other thoughts of Scotty floating in my head.
By the time I got home, my parents were asleep. I didn't care enough to leave a note explaining my whereabouts. Chances were, though, they'd ask me in the morning and I would tune them out like I always did.
When I got to my room, I immediately collapsed onto my bed and groaned loudly into my pillow. With no one around to take my mind off him, my mind instinctively drifted to thoughts of Scotty when he was alive. More often than usual, I kept thinking about that day - the day I got the news. Nothing about that day made any sense. Dr. Reis might've been okay with not knowing why Scotty killed himself, but I wasn't.
I reached into my back pocket and tugged out my cell phone. Ignoring all the missed calls and text messages from Marcy, I dialed Scotty's number. It rang six times, like it always did, and went to voice mail.
"'Sup, it's Scotty. I'm obviously doing something way better than answering your call right now, so just leave a message."
I shook my head in disbelief at his ridiculous voice mail greeting. "Even in death, you still manage to make me laugh," I said into the phone. "Anyway, I miss you, like real bad. I'm only calling because I really wanted to hear your voice, but don't get too excited. I'm still mad at you for not telling me you were gonna put an end to your misery. I thought that's what this whole "I love you" thing entailed, but whatever. You're still an asshole, but I still love-"
The phone beeped, signaling the end of my voice message. The annoying lady began to speak in her monotone voice, asking me if I wanted to listen to my message again.
Sighing, I tossed my phone to the side and nuzzled my face into my pillow. I caught sight of the orange prescription bottle on my beside table, but I didn't have any energy or motivation to take my nighttime pills.
Instead, I rolled over to the side facing the wall and let my eyes flutter shut.
**
A/N: Goodness, I love this chapter. It'll probably be ridden with mistakes since it's almost one in the morning and I'm tired as hell. But unlike Liam, I was motivated to finish this.
How are you guys feeling about Scotty?
If you happened to enjoy this chapter, then I'd love it if you voted and commented. Random commenters get dedications!
Until next time,
Lara <3